Kindergartenism #28:
Me: "Neighborhoods can have restaurants, too. What restaurants are in our neighborhood?"
Kelsey: "The Chancery! I know why they call it The Chancery."
Me: "Why?"
Kelsey: "Because it gives you a chance to spend time with people you like!"
It's 9:30 pm and all I want to do is go to sleep. I feel like that's all I've wanted to do the past few days. I have been just exhausted. When I go to bed, my body feels dead...like it hasn't had sleep in days. And even after going to bed early and attempting to get more sleep, I'm still exhausted the next day. And for no real reason either...my schedule this week has been no different than any other week. It's even been exhausting socializing with people. Usually I love seeing friends and it's something that energizes me. But this week, it's been hard to muster energy to be social.
Something isn't right, but I don't know what...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
When my heart is breaking, I will never leave Your hands...
Mike and I had another "us" talk last week. I wasn't really surprised by what he said...but it was good to hear him say it.
Basically he said that because he's unemployed and doesn't know what his life will look like in the near future, he feels like he can't commit to a relationship right now. He enjoys hanging out with me and still would like to do that...but that's all it will be. I then tried explaining that while I also enjoy hanging out with him, I need to look out for my heart. I'm a girl so my heart gets involved pretty easily.
I felt really good after our conversation. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because Mike brought up the subject, so I didn't need to worry about trying to initiate the conversation. And I didn't need to wonder what he was thinking or feeling. I don't have to try to interpret his words or actions because I know where he's at. I felt really good about the whole situation over the weekend.
Last Monday, he decided to come to my HUB group (bible study). He has family night every other week, so he decided to start coming to our HUB on the off weeks. For some reason, that night was hard. I'm glad I got to see him, but my heart felt heavy. It was hard for me to watch him talk to other people when he and I hardly got to talk.
After doing some processing the last few days, it's becoming a harder reality to swallow that there's this guy that is interested in me (and that I like too), but can't/doesn't want to date me. I really like him and it's hard some days to remember that I'm not with him when I see him. I had the closest taste of a relationship I've had in the past 7 years and I just long to be loved by someone. It felt so good to have someone pay attention to me and be interested in me. But it hurts to think that I can't be with him. I want to trust God that I will have that again someday, but it's hard. So hard. Why did He put me through all this with Mike? It's like giving a child a taste of an ice cream sundae, but then telling him he can't have any more. My friend Gracia helped me look at it from a positive point of view the other night. She said that maybe God just wanted me to know that I am lovable by others (guys) and that He has something great planned for me. That was uplifting. That thought helps me get through the tough parts. On Wednesday, I went to Impact at my church and sat behind Mike. I found myself looking at him and focusing on him, so I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see him and focused on God and the words we were singing. I need to do that more.
Basically he said that because he's unemployed and doesn't know what his life will look like in the near future, he feels like he can't commit to a relationship right now. He enjoys hanging out with me and still would like to do that...but that's all it will be. I then tried explaining that while I also enjoy hanging out with him, I need to look out for my heart. I'm a girl so my heart gets involved pretty easily.
I felt really good after our conversation. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because Mike brought up the subject, so I didn't need to worry about trying to initiate the conversation. And I didn't need to wonder what he was thinking or feeling. I don't have to try to interpret his words or actions because I know where he's at. I felt really good about the whole situation over the weekend.
Last Monday, he decided to come to my HUB group (bible study). He has family night every other week, so he decided to start coming to our HUB on the off weeks. For some reason, that night was hard. I'm glad I got to see him, but my heart felt heavy. It was hard for me to watch him talk to other people when he and I hardly got to talk.
After doing some processing the last few days, it's becoming a harder reality to swallow that there's this guy that is interested in me (and that I like too), but can't/doesn't want to date me. I really like him and it's hard some days to remember that I'm not with him when I see him. I had the closest taste of a relationship I've had in the past 7 years and I just long to be loved by someone. It felt so good to have someone pay attention to me and be interested in me. But it hurts to think that I can't be with him. I want to trust God that I will have that again someday, but it's hard. So hard. Why did He put me through all this with Mike? It's like giving a child a taste of an ice cream sundae, but then telling him he can't have any more. My friend Gracia helped me look at it from a positive point of view the other night. She said that maybe God just wanted me to know that I am lovable by others (guys) and that He has something great planned for me. That was uplifting. That thought helps me get through the tough parts. On Wednesday, I went to Impact at my church and sat behind Mike. I found myself looking at him and focusing on him, so I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see him and focused on God and the words we were singing. I need to do that more.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Kindergartenism #26:
Me (referring to Kelsey's shirt that says "Champion Talker"): "Do you think your shirt is true?"
Kelsey: Oh yeah! I'm the biggest champion! Well, in my family anyway."
Kindergartenism #27:
Raziel and I were reading a book together about animals and their babies. The last page showed 2 human babies, which somehow caused Raziel to blurt this out.
Raziel: "When I grow up, I don't want a honey."
Me: "A honey? What do you mean?"
Raziel: "A honey to marry."
Me: "You don't want to get married? Why not?"
Raziel: "I don't know."
A lot has happened since I last posted. Mike and I have started consistently seeing each other for the past 3 weeks, many times 3 or 4 days in a row.
As we spent more time together, we started acting more like a couple. He first started kissing me the day before New Years Eve. He started holding my hand and putting his arm around me. We would cuddle on the couch when we watched movies. So after a couple days of this, I decided I needed to ask him where we were headed. Basically, he said that he doesn't like to put a label on feelings. He told me that he really likes me and has really enjoyed hanging out with me. I told him the feelings were mutual...and that was the end of the conversation. I left feeling like I could've said so much more. And I didn't really feel like anything was defined...which I suppose happens when someone says they don't like labels. He's been engaged before, so I really don't blame him for not wanting to jump into something defined right away. It's only been 3 weeks (2 weeks when we had the conversation) and he's clearly making an effort to see me. The week I went back to work, we still saw each other 5 days of the week. The change that I did notice was that we spent considerably less time "alone" all week...we mainly saw each other in group settings. He made it a point to invite me to these events or to make sure I was going...but we didn't have much time to ourselves. As a result, he's seemed to back away a little. He hasn't kissed me in over a week. Not even a little peck. Part of me thinks that maybe he felt like we rushed into things too quickly and backed away as a result. If that's the case, I totally support it...I just wish I knew for sure. I'm left sort of confused because he still wants to see me a ton, but he's not as intentional about showing affection...especially around our mutual friends.
I felt torn about what to do for a few days. I had some friends telling me that the fact he doesn't want to define or label anything isn't fair to me and that I need to ask him about it again. I had my family constantly wanting to know our "status". I had another circle of friends telling me to just be patient and enjoy the stage we're in. If he's not wanting to or ready to define anything, pushing him to discuss it will only push him away. I've decided to just be patient. While the girl in me is dying to know what he's thinking or feeling and to have a "defined" relationship, it has only been 3 weeks. We're still getting to know each other. His life is kind of up in the air as far as his job. I'm going to wait it out another couple of weeks and see how things go before trying to bring it up again.
This whole "dating" thing is all so new to me. I don't really know how things are supposed to work. Which is why I think I dwell on it so much. But I'm learning that there isn't a "right" way to do things when it comes to dating. The only "right" thing I can do is be myself. He's told me that he likes me and clearly he still enjoys spending time with me. I'm going to continue to be myself and see where things go. I've realized that I need to let go of the urge to control the outcome. God is in ultimate control. If both Mike and I are prayerful about the whole situation, it will work out the way it's supposed to. And I need to trust whatever that outcome is.
Me (referring to Kelsey's shirt that says "Champion Talker"): "Do you think your shirt is true?"
Kelsey: Oh yeah! I'm the biggest champion! Well, in my family anyway."
Kindergartenism #27:
Raziel and I were reading a book together about animals and their babies. The last page showed 2 human babies, which somehow caused Raziel to blurt this out.
Raziel: "When I grow up, I don't want a honey."
Me: "A honey? What do you mean?"
Raziel: "A honey to marry."
Me: "You don't want to get married? Why not?"
Raziel: "I don't know."
A lot has happened since I last posted. Mike and I have started consistently seeing each other for the past 3 weeks, many times 3 or 4 days in a row.
As we spent more time together, we started acting more like a couple. He first started kissing me the day before New Years Eve. He started holding my hand and putting his arm around me. We would cuddle on the couch when we watched movies. So after a couple days of this, I decided I needed to ask him where we were headed. Basically, he said that he doesn't like to put a label on feelings. He told me that he really likes me and has really enjoyed hanging out with me. I told him the feelings were mutual...and that was the end of the conversation. I left feeling like I could've said so much more. And I didn't really feel like anything was defined...which I suppose happens when someone says they don't like labels. He's been engaged before, so I really don't blame him for not wanting to jump into something defined right away. It's only been 3 weeks (2 weeks when we had the conversation) and he's clearly making an effort to see me. The week I went back to work, we still saw each other 5 days of the week. The change that I did notice was that we spent considerably less time "alone" all week...we mainly saw each other in group settings. He made it a point to invite me to these events or to make sure I was going...but we didn't have much time to ourselves. As a result, he's seemed to back away a little. He hasn't kissed me in over a week. Not even a little peck. Part of me thinks that maybe he felt like we rushed into things too quickly and backed away as a result. If that's the case, I totally support it...I just wish I knew for sure. I'm left sort of confused because he still wants to see me a ton, but he's not as intentional about showing affection...especially around our mutual friends.
I felt torn about what to do for a few days. I had some friends telling me that the fact he doesn't want to define or label anything isn't fair to me and that I need to ask him about it again. I had my family constantly wanting to know our "status". I had another circle of friends telling me to just be patient and enjoy the stage we're in. If he's not wanting to or ready to define anything, pushing him to discuss it will only push him away. I've decided to just be patient. While the girl in me is dying to know what he's thinking or feeling and to have a "defined" relationship, it has only been 3 weeks. We're still getting to know each other. His life is kind of up in the air as far as his job. I'm going to wait it out another couple of weeks and see how things go before trying to bring it up again.
This whole "dating" thing is all so new to me. I don't really know how things are supposed to work. Which is why I think I dwell on it so much. But I'm learning that there isn't a "right" way to do things when it comes to dating. The only "right" thing I can do is be myself. He's told me that he likes me and clearly he still enjoys spending time with me. I'm going to continue to be myself and see where things go. I've realized that I need to let go of the urge to control the outcome. God is in ultimate control. If both Mike and I are prayerful about the whole situation, it will work out the way it's supposed to. And I need to trust whatever that outcome is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)