The List

Miranda recently turned me onto this website called The Good Women Project. It's a website devoted to woman's issues, like singleness, image, and sexuality, and looks at them from a Christian perspective. September's topics have been about making the most out of singleness. I've heard about the concept before...using your single years to better yourself and grow closer to God while you only have yourself to worry about. Clearly, I haven't been very good at that. But what I love about this website is that "normal" women write articles about ways they've messed up, lessons they've learned, and challenges they face. This month, more often than not I'll read an article and think to myself "I'm not the only one who feels that way!" It's nice to know that I'm not crazy or weird for the feelings or struggles I have.

A couple of weeks ago, one woman wrote about not wasting the "wait" while being single. She suggested making a list of things you want to accomplish while you're single. That way, you're working towards goals (personal and "fun") rather than focusing on singleness or finding a relationship.

My first thought was "What in the world would I put on a list?? I have no idea what kinds of things I want to work towards!" But after thinking about it for a bit, I've come up with a couple of things. I'll probably add to the list as more come to me, but this is a start.

1. Climb another mountain - I climbed Camelback Mountain about a year ago and it was one of the most fulfilling, exciting things I've ever done. I'd love to do another one!

2. Hike the Grand Canyon - My family is talking about doing this next summer! It's been something I've always wanted to do.

3. Establish a regular "night of reflection" again - When I lived in San Diego for summer project in college, we spent one night a week as a night of reflection. It was a time to get away, forget about the stresses of life, and focus on God. Kind of like an extended quiet time. Last week, one of our pastors preached on approaching work from a state of rest. I'd like to be able to set aside an hour or two a week to forget about schoolwork and spend time reflecting on what God is trying to teach me. Otherwise, I end up working almost every hour I'm not sleeping...not healthy.

4. Buy a new car - This is kind of more of a necessity at the moment, but it would be pretty fulfilling to say that I worked and saved and was able to afford a new car, rather than get another used one to get me by for the time being.

5. Take a vacation - Now that Angela is living in Arizona, this one might not be so hard. But I'm going to make the caveat that it can't be a trip to visit a friend. A real vacation.

That's all I can think of for now. Like I said, if I think of more, I'll add them. These are more specific than the ones in the article online, but I'm the type of person that needs specific direction in order to feel productive. What things would you put on a list?

It's been kind of strange being back in Madison. Sometimes it feels like I'm just visiting (like I did when I lived here for a summer) and then I'll just head back to Milwaukee eventually. I'm going to Milwaukee next weekend for a concert and a wedding and just realized the other day that I have to actually find a place to stay. It's weird to think about.

The hardest part about being back is the community. I had such a great community here when I first lived here. Since then, my friends have either moved away or have gotten married. I feel like the new girl again. As an extrovert, it's hard sometimes. I don't have anyone to watch sports with (my roommates don't care for sports). I don't really feel like I have people I can call up to do something on a Saturday night. I joined a new life group here (bible study) but of course it's going to take some time before I feel connected to people. We're still in that awkward getting-to-know you phase. I tried texting one of my life group leaders, Nate, to see if he wanted to get a group of people together to watch the Brewers game (it happened to be the game we clinched the division...I had a feeling it would happen that night and I really wanted to see it)...I didn't hear back from him until after the game and instead, I listened to the game on the radio at home while doing schoolwork.

I just don't feel very connected right now. I sat by myself at church today feeling very alone. The few people I did recognize were there with their new spouse/significant other. Every time I move, this phase is always inevitable. I know it's going to take time to build up community again here. I think it's hard moving back to a city you once lived because I have so many good memories here with such good friends. It's hard being here without those people.

It's also made me miss the friends I have back in Milwaukee. I miss having people I could just call up to hang out on a random night. I miss having plans and things to do with people. Moving kind of shows you who your true friends are. There have been 2 instances already where people I know from Milwaukee have come to Madison for various reasons and didn't tell me or ask if I wanted to meet up with them. Is that what it's going to be like? I've already had people tell me Madison is "too far" to drive for whatever reason. That's hard for me to understand. I'm someone who is willing to go out of my way to see a friend. I guess we aren't all like that.

The extrovert in me is going crazy for some quality people time. "People time" at work doesn't count because it's just that...work. I have one roommate that is hardly ever here and that works an opposite schedule than me and another roommate who likes to keep to herself. I'm just praying that God brings along some solid connections for me here because I think I might otherwise go crazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing life alone.

Immeasurably more...

Since my whirlwind of a summer with Dan, I've tried to process a little bit why I end up in the same position with guys over and over again. I get caught up in them, despite seeing a red flag or two with them. I make bad choices with them. I end up hurt or sad in the end. Repeat.

With Dan, I knew he wasn't right for me. Yes, we got along well and I loved hanging out with him. He's a great friend. But, deep down I knew there were things about him that were bad for me to be getting involved with romantically. He was the first one where I knew 100% I shouldn't be involved with him and I did it anyway. I didn't even try to justify it or find good things about him to try to outweigh the "bad". I just deliberately went against what I knew was right because I didn't want to face reality.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I try to justify why it's okay for me to get involved with different guys, even when I know it's wrong?

I've decided it comes down to a lack of trust. I don't trust that God will provide someone better for me. Sure, I say that I believe He will. But deep down in my heart, I don't trust Him. At least my actions don't show that I do. Talk about a dagger in God's heart. Ouch.

It is REALLY hard for me to truly believe that there are decent guys still out there. I see everyone else I know finding them, but instead of believing there's still one out there for me, I think they're all being snatched up by my friends...leaving no one left for me.

If you look at my past history of boys, it makes total sense that I would think this way. Every guy that I've dated (however you want to define that term) looked like a "good guy" on the outside. But as time went on, he'd turn out to not be the good guy I thought he was. Every. Single. Time. But instead of dumping him when I find out or figure out he isn't as good as I thought, I hang on and try to justify why he "isn't that bad". That's when I let myself get hurt. I'm afraid to let go of what I've found because deep down, I don't know if I'll find someone better. Or at least someone better that likes me back. So I hang on, get myself in trouble, and ultimately end up hurting.

Some of this comes down to a lack of self-respect. Not only do I not fully believe there are still decent guys out there, if there was, I don't believe a decent guy would want to be with me. As a good friend told me, I don't believe God's truths about myself. For a while, I thought I was getting better at this. It's been a struggle for a long time. And I have gotten better. But obviously it's not a struggle that's conquered. I do know I have good qualities but do I really believe that I am a co-heir with Christ? That I'm fearfully and wonderfully made? That God delights in me more than the birds in the air or the flowers on the land? I only see the ways I've failed God. Repeatedly. Why should I be blessed with a wonderful husband?

Lucky for me, that's not what God sees. He covers us with grace every single time we mess up. He doesn't see us for our failures...He sees us in His image. I don't get it. I never will. It doesn't matter that I don't get it. I need to learn to live IN it. No matter what I think I deserve (or don't deserve). I need to learn to accept God's grace for me and live in complete faith. I'm done trying to take things into my own hands. I'm done being hurt by boys or my poor choices with them.

I'm not going to lie...it's going to suck. It's not fun to deny what your flesh wants. If I had it my way, I'd just throw caution to the wind and be with Dan (or some other guy that doesn't live in Texas...) and live it up. I enjoyed every second of my summer with him...I won't lie about that. But that kind of life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling as the life I'm learning to believe I will have if I follow after God. It'll be hard now but I'm trusting it'll be worth it in the end.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever." Ephesians 3:20-21

2 days down, 178 to go

The first two days of school have come and gone. And I'm still alive and able to write about it! :P

Our district has it so that 1/2 of each kindergarten class comes the first day of school and the other 1/2 comes the second day of school. It definitely made the first two days much easier! Part of me liked only having 11 and 9 kids at a time (for obvious reasons), but Tuesday with all 20 is going to be like starting all over. Tuesday is going to be like the first day all over again. Yikes.

Overall, I really like my class. They're all very sweet! I can already pick out the kiddos that will wear on my patience and the ones that will have a hard time following directions though. Nothing (hopefully) too bad. With some of the kiddos I've dealt with in the past, my kids this year seem very tame.

I'm really enjoying my coworkers! They're very different than the teachers I worked with last year (who I loved as well!), but I feel like I fit in pretty well. One thing I really love is how encouraging they all are. I still don't know who everyone is or everyone's name, but despite that, I'm always being asked how things are going and how I'm doing. I've also been told multiple times how great of a teacher I am...even after only the first day! It amazes me how much these people believe in me and how much potential they see in me so early on. It's very clear to me that this is something God has ordained because no other district or school I applied to in the past 4 years saw my potential and were willing to give me a chance despite not having a lot of full-time classroom teaching experience.

I feel like there is more I can tell you guys about the first couple of days, but my brain is so tired that it was hard for me to even write those last couple of paragraphs. I'll try to keep you guys updated. :)