What a week.

Janaque broke things off between us last Wednesday. The day before he planned to come to surprise me with a visit for my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

I don't really know who reads this anymore, so I'm sorry if you've already heard this once (or more!).

Last Wednesday, Janaque and I were talking on the phone on my way home from Lifegroup. It was a pretty normal, routine conversation. Once I got home, I told him I should probably go to bed. However, he kept talking and I couldn't really figure out why he wouldn't let me go to bed. He told me all about how he had a good, long talk with his sister that day. He talked to her about things he's struggling with, things he's feeling stressed/overwhelmed with, and about me. After their talk, it became apparent to him that he wasn't in the right place to emotionally invest in a relationship right now. He didn't think he could invest the amount he wanted to nor the amount he felt I deserved. He told me (vaguely) about a couple of things he's struggling with as well as fears he had if we were to keep trying things long distance while he was going through stuff.

He wrestled all that day with when the best time would be to tell me. He decided he needed to be upfront with me right away instead of pretending things were okay. He especially didn't think it was fair to pretend things were okay, have an amazing weekend together for my birthday (in which he would've met a lot of my friends in Milwaukee and my parents), and then break things off. I agreed that option would've been a jerky move. However, telling me right before my birthday put a huge damper on the whole weekend. My birthday is my favorite day of the year and this was the first year that I actually wasn't excited for my birthday. If you know me at all, you know it's kind of a big deal for me to not be excited for my birthday.

He told me that he was still planning on coming so he could see other friends, but he let me decide if we would see each other. He knew it was a blow to me and understood if it was going to be too hard to see him. I told him that I wanted to see him. If anything, we needed to talk about things more in person. He came over Thursday night and we had a really good talk. After I cried on his shoulder when I saw him and he gave me a hug of course. I am a mess these days.

After talking on Thursday night, we just decided to enjoy being with each other one last time (for however long that ends up being) rather than sitting around just being sad. We picked up where we left things when he moved and it felt like he hadn't even been gone. We hung out most of the day on Friday and literally did nothing together...and it was amazing. It felt like a honeymoon (or what I imagine a honeymoon feeling like), where you don't want to go anywhere because you just want to hold each other and be close. The original plan was for him to join my sister and I on a day trip to Chicago on Saturday for my birthday, but in light of the recent events, he didn't feel like that was appropriate. I didn't know if I was going to be able to come back to Madison on Saturday after Chicago, so we said our goodbyes on Friday.

After Chicago, I got to my parents' house around 10:00 pm. It was late and it had been a long day, but I ultimately decided I needed to see Janaque one more time before he left. It killed me to know he was so close and I wasn't with him. So, I drove back to Madison Saturday night and he and I hung out Saturday night and Sunday morning. It was the best decision I made. I was afraid of it making things harder or it making me sadder, but I decided that things were about as hard and as sad as they could get. I'd rather be sad and with Janaque than sad and alone. For whatever reason, the post-Chicago visit felt happier. We both just felt happy to be with each other one more time. We tried not to think about him leaving and us not being together anymore.

This past week has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever experienced. I'm not an emotional person, so I'm extra exhausted. I can't seem to stop crying when I think about him, about what we had (even all that time we had to get to know each other over the phone), and what could've been. I don't really know why it's hitting me like this. I feel like I lost someone I've loved for years, not someone I've only known for 5 months and casually dated for 3 months. I feel kind of foolish when I find myself crying over it because it shouldn't be hitting me like this.

I think my emotions are a culmination of things. Over the weekend, it was partly due to disappointment and ruined birthday plans. When I found out he was going to surprise me for my birthday (my sister spilled the beans to me early), I've never been so excited for something in my life. I dreamt of all the weekend was going to hold and I could hardly contain my excitement. When it all fell apart, it felt devastating. The other factor to my emotions are just sadness over the happiness being over. He made me happier than I've ever been with someone. I can't really explain why. I felt loved. I felt special. He made me laugh. I felt alive. I'm not only going to miss feeling like that, but I'm going to miss HIM. Who he is. How he made me feel. Being a part of his life and including him in mine, even 1,000 miles apart.

I'm not mad at Janaque for any of this and completely understand why he needs to do this. I want him to be able to do this. I want what's best for him. I'm extremely frustrated with life though. My initial reaction to all this was frustration and confusion. Not only was I losing Janaque, it happened over my birthday. I still don't understand why God has chosen for things to happen this way. Before the weekend, I was even feeling like it was so cruel of God to rip this all away from me on my birthday. I know God does things for a reason and for our good, but my birthday?? C'mon God, really?

I've gotten to the point where I almost feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. Whether it's a job, friends, or this, I feel like as soon as I'm happy with where I'm at in life or what I have, it's ripped away from me. I've become VERY skeptical when I'm starting to feel really happy about something. I love the job I have now. My gut tells me it won't last past this year. I find some of the best friends I've ever had, and they move all over the country. It makes me not want to open up past a certain point to other people here. Although I was very happy with Janaque, I was often uneasy or scared to think it could last. My gut told me that it was all too good to be true. And it was. I'm so tired of feeling like I won't experience happiness in my life. I just feel like it's going to be stripped away from me. When will it be my turn, God? Why does everyone else around me get to experience it? What's wrong with me that I have to wait like this?

Despite all these feelings, I've been desperately trying to hold onto truth. I've been learning a lot about God and His character as my church has been reading through the Bible in a year together. I've learned that God has an ultimate plan and He doesn't waver from it...even if it takes 400 years for His plan to start to unfold like it did with the Israelites while they were slaves in Egypt. I've been trying to think back to other times in my life when I felt like things were falling apart, only for it to end up being a good thing. If I don't try to cling to these truths, I'll fall apart. I can't carry myself or hold myself up. I'm an emotional mess...I'm not strong enough to do that. I shouldn't have to. That's why Jesus came for us. I don't understand God's plan and I even have times where I'm frustrated or upset at how God is choosing to unfold His plan. But it's God. The God I believe in is loving. He always does what is best for us. He is ALWAYS good. It's hard for me to say that with a lot of belief behind it these days, but I choose to believe it. I want to believe God has something better for me. It can only get better, right?

In just 23 short days, I feel like 2012 has been pretty transforming for me already. The Eat This Book challenge at Blackhawk is really helping me to understand the Bible in a whole new way and I've been able to learn more a lot more about God's character through it.

I've been working a lot on trusting God through everything and truly believing in His plan over my own. It's been cool to read through Genesis and Exodus, and just watch God's plan weave through generation after generation. It's easy to dismiss the first few chapters because they make up so little of the actual Bible, but once I really thought about how many years pass from when God makes his covenant to Abraham to when God frees His people from Egypt in Exodus, it amazed me how His promises have held steadfast.

Despite feeling like I'm learning a lot, I obviously still have my days where it feels harder to leave it all up to God and not worry. This week was one of those weeks. For various reasons, Janaque and I didn't talk much this week. We Skyped last Tuesday but then didn't talk again until last night. In between, he didn't text me much. If he did respond to a text, it usually wasn't until hours later. I was trying not to become the "clingy girl," but it was hard to not hear from him much and not really know why. Partially because of the time of the month and partially because I'm a girl, it ate away at my mind. Satan really knows how to pick at your fears! Am I annoying him? Is he suddenly not interested in me? Is he mad at me? What is he doing that he's so busy he can't text me? Ahhhh I hate being a girl sometimes!!!

I still don't know the answers to some of those questions, but it was definitely a test of whether I was going to trust God and find comfort in Him, or let my fears eat away at me. Some days, I chose to rest in God. Other days, it was harder to do for whatever reason. The ironic thing was that when I chose to lay my fears at God's feet and just ask for Him to comfort my heart and mind, Janaque would respond almost immediately with something that quieted my fears. It happened multiple times this week. However, the days that I let myself dwell on my fears, I would feel uneasy all day.

I don't really know why I have such strong fears with Janaque sometimes. Part of me thinks it's because I'm used to the type of guy I've been with in the past...one that just interested in a fling, is not considerate of girls' feelings, or that just all of a sudden decides he's not interested anymore. Another part of me thinks that it's because this is the first time I'm feeling this happy with a guy and I'm terrified of it ending. I'm finding myself reverting back to my old way of thinking sometimes, where I didn't think I deserved anything good and good things were going to be taken away from me or kept from me.

No matter what is causing these fears, I need to learn to find my happiness and joy in God, not Janaque. Janaque is not perfect and will inevitably let me down in some way. Even if we end up spending the rest of our lives together, there will unaviodably be trials in our relationship. I absolutely cannot rely on our relationship to be my main source of joy. God is the only one who is unchangeable and can ALWAYS be relied upon. He will ALWAYS love me. He will ALWAYS guide me along His path. He will ALWAYS be with me. Even when it feels like He is silent. Even when times are tough. He is my rock in a shaky world.

I have no doubt that this whole thing with Janaque has been a huge source of growth for me. Not only can I pick out reasons why I think it's been so good for us that he moved, it has really helped me to rely on God throughout it all. It's a situation I feel totally out of control of, it's made me deal with lies I was believing about myself and God, and it's helping me trust Him for guidance in whatever happens in the future. Even though it's not an ideal situation from a selfish point of view, I don't think I would have it any other way.

Learning To Trust Again

I love when God makes a lesson clear to you through multiple ways. Last time I blogged, I wrote about how I've struggled with trusting God and surrendering complete control to Him. Tonight, the theme of trust jumped out of everything I read or listened to. You can hear God when you take the time to listen...

Right now, I'm reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's the author's journey in finding the joys among life's stresses and busyness through recording 1,000 gifts she's blessed with, and the lessons she learns along the way. Tonight's chapter? Trusting God.

One of the things that struck me from this chapter was when the author pointed out us trying to take control of things in our lives and not trusting God's ability is basically disbelief in God. She even went as far as to say it's basically atheism. If we truly believe in God, we must believe in the truths about God...including His power, ability, and goodness. When we try to take control of things in our lives and struggle to trust God, we're basically telling Him we don't think He can handle, fix, help, or do something in a situation. And if we don't think He can do something, we're not really believing.

In order to develop trust (true, deep, unfailing trust), we must look back at all the ways God has blessed us and helped us in the past. This will help us learn and realize God's power because we're able to look at things He's already done...and know He can do more.

It made me think about when I'm driving. There's a stretch on my way to work where there's a large bend in the road before a stoplight. Every morning, I always look ahead to the light to see if I should be stopping for a red light or if I can keep going through for a green light. Probably the safe thing to do, but there's plenty of time to prepare for a stop after the bend if needed. There's really no reason I need to look ahead so early. But I do it every morning. That's how I work. I like to see what's ahead. I like to know what I need to prepare for.

Instead, trusting God, as I'm slowly learning, is more like driving at night. Rather than being able to see far ahead down the road, you're limited to only seeing a few feet in front of you. You have to trust that the road is always going to be there in front of you, and that the car you're driving is going to get you to where you need to go, despite you not being able to fully see.

I'm reading through Genesis right now with my church's Bible-in-a-year plan. Pastor Chris explained how the story of creation is more of a story to teach us about the Creator. It shows us His power. His creativity. His sovereignty. If God can create a world like this - a universe like this - why can't He do anything else?? Why do I doubt His ability lead me in my tiny life? Genesis is bleeding with God's own creation sinning over and over again, right from the beginning...only for God to respond with blessing and redemption over and over again. Why do I doubt that He is good and will bless and redeem me? He had an entire plan of redemption for the Israelites that spanned generations. Each person and event had a specific purpose. Why wouldn't God have a specific purpose for each person and event in my life?

I still have a long way to go. There are no major decisions looming in my immediate future (in the next 4 months or so anyway), so it's easier to say these things now with confidence. The true test will be when I am faced with decisions or hard moments in life.

what i'm learning from 2011

Another year is coming to a close. I swear, these years go by faster the older I get. And yet, I feel like time is crawling at the same time. It's a weird paradox.

This year was quite the year. It was marked with some good times with friends, the beginning of the job I've been dreaming of, and the start of new friendships. It was also a hard year - moving away from home sort of last minute, saying goodbye to good friends moving away, and poor choices.

The biggest lesson I'm learning from 2011 is how to give up my own control and submit to God's power and authority. I recently read a blog article about a girl learning not to view God in the same way she views her Earthly father. I've often heard the comparison of our own fathers with God and how that can affect how we view God. For whatever reason, I never stopped to think if that was true in my own life. Lo and behold, it was!

My parents got divorced when I was in 8th grade. Before my dad moved out, he and I had a tense relationship. I was at the climax of puberty, and therefore was quite emotional. I was also growing up and becoming more of my own person rather than a little girl. That caused lots of tension. I was finding that as I grew up, I had similar issues with my dad that my mom had with him. Him moving out helped since he wasn't around all the time to argue with, but our relationship has always been strained. It's gotten a little better with each passing year, but I am in no way "daddy's little girl." After the divorce, my dad struggled to provide. He didn't make a lot of money and his jobs were never permanent. He had good intentions and wanted to show us that he was a dad that was there for his kids. Rather than just be there for us emotionally or support us in the ways he could, he felt like he had to make us promises - that he would buy us this or that, help us with rent, take us to this concert, take us on that vacation - but he never followed through on them. Ever. At first, it was comforting to think that my dad was going to help me out financially as I was trying to get out on my own. But, once I saw he never followed through with what he "promised," I stopped believing him. To this day, 14 years since the divorce, he still makes promises he can't keep. He still thinks he can live a certain kind of life when in reality he can't afford it. I've learned over the years to not trust my dad. I can't trust a single "promise" he makes. I can't count on him to help provide for me.

When I read that blog article the other day, I actually stopped to think about how I feel about my dad. And then I thought about the struggles I have with God. Woah...there was a connection! I struggle with thinking that God will provide for me and follow through with His promises. Despite past blessings He's given me, it's still a struggle in my heart. Rather than rest in God's promises, I worry. Would I ever get to do what I had a passion for and teach? Would He ever provide a Godly man to spend the rest of my life with? Would I ever feel settled and connected? My worries led me to think that He wouldn't follow through. I only saw all the ways I had messed up in my life and thought that my desires wouldn't be met. I couldn't trust God. So, I learned to take matters into my own hands. I found ways to satisfy my desires on my own. I even got to the point this summer where I basically flipped God off and did whatever the hell I wanted...only to find myself broken and empty.

And then I got my dream job...and found that I'm good at it. That's weird...I just spent the summer doing what I knew was wrong and landed an amazing job a week later. And then I met an amazing guy that makes me happier than I've ever been. Hmm...

Despite feeling like God has started satisfying some of my desires, I'm learning that I am NOT in control of this life...nor should I be. The biggest thing that is teaching me that is this whole thing with Janaque. I don't know if we're "meant to be" or whatever, but when I first met him and things started up with us, I was still in my old mindset: I must take advantage of him being here and enjoy every moment while I can! Who was in control? Me. Then he moved. I thought things were over and I'd just move on. Wrong. He wasn't just some random fling...he was turning out to be this incredible guy that was so much of what I've been looking for. So, my instinct was to just want to snatch him up and just date him long distance. So, I tried planning out how that would work. How often would we visit each other? How long would we do the long distance thing before one of us moving? Where would we live if it worked out? I've always thought the East Coast was nice...I wonder what it would take to get a Massachusetts teaching license?

I was worrying and stressing again...until I realized it's not in my control. It's not up to me because I have no idea what the future holds. J may be the guy for me...he may not. At this point, I know what I want and I know how I'd have it play out if I were the author of my life. But I'm not...so why am I stressing out about it? When I took things into my own hands in the past, they failed or I made big mistakes. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm ready to see what God has for me. I need to be patient...and to trust that God WILL follow through on His promises...in His own way.

It's so scary for me to do that. Nowhere does it say in the Bible that J and I will be together in the future. There's always the possibility that it won't work out. But, God does promise that He works for the good to those who love Him, that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He will always love us. His plans may be different than mine...but He promises that they are always GOOD! If J isn't the best for me, then the guy that is will be SO MUCH better for me than he is.

The other day, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was crabby because my computer stopped working and I was just feeling off. I was missing J like crazy (he's been in Canada for the last week and a half and is there for another week) and his emails seemed to be getting shorter. I quickly found myself freaking out. What if J changes his mind about me and decides he doesn't like me anymore and never wants to date me? What if he meets someone in Massachusetts and decides she's better than me? What if I said or did something that annoyed him? I soon found myself crying because I couldn't talk to him, I missed him, and I felt completely out of control of the situation. The thoughts that were going through my head were eating me alive.

I don't believe it was a coincidence that my computer stopped working that night (it magically worked just fine the next morning). I realized that I needed to spend time with God before I went completely insane. I don't even remember what I read that night, but I do remember just laying out all my fears and thoughts before God on tear-stained journal pages. My fears are legitimate things that could happen, but suddenly I realized that they weren't something I needed to stress about. My focus should be on seeking God in ALL situations...whether things are going great or crappy. My heart needs to trust God and all that He promises...even if it's different than what I think I want. I need to learn to rest in Him.

In order to keep on track with this, I need to make some tangible goals for my life (here you go Miranda!):

1. Have a NOR once a week.

2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self-help" book every month.

3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week.

4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012.

That's all I have for now...if I think of more, I'll let you guys know. :)

Striving for Colossians 1:9-12

Well, Janaque and I made it 1 week without talking. It was quite the week. I spent some time thinking and praying about where things were going. I spent some time talking to close friends and asking for advice. Up until the day before we were going to talk again, I still felt far from a decision and felt just as confused as when the week started.

I then realized that I was trying to justify why it was good for Janaque to try dating...I wasn't willing to listen to the people that were telling me reasons I shouldn't date him right now. I got a couple of hard emails to read that basically laid out all the things I need to work on before focusing on a relationship. They were hard to read because they had a lot of truth in them...and they weren't things I wanted to hear. However, once I stopped being defensive, I thought more about what they were saying. And once I did that, God made it pretty clear what the right decision was.

Talking to Janaque only confirmed what I felt like God was telling me the right decision was. He got the same advice from some of the people he talked to and was on the same page as I as we discussed it. I told him that it's been a couple of years since I've been actually single...not involved with any guy period. My discussions with some of my friends showed me that there are many things I need to work on in my heart and walk with God before I can focus on another boy...no matter how great I think he is. In addition to things I feel like I need to work on, I don't know what my job situation holds for me after this year (I'm in an interim position that can last as long as 3 years but can also be as short as just this year). In order to do this, I'm going to not date or consider dating anyone until school is out in the summer. From his side, the people he talked to all thought we should take more time to get to know each other. He also needs to figure out where his life is going in the near future. He needs to find a job for the next year or so and he'd like to apply to medical schools. We decided to just take the next few months to continue to get to know each other and see where God leads us. If it's meant for us to be together, God will cause our lives to run parallel.

Despite my peace about our decision, it's still hard at times. Janaque and I have decided not to talk everyday in order to give us some boundaries, but not talking every day is difficult at times. When we do talk, I'm reminded of how much I miss him being here. Last night, I went to bed after Skyping with him and my heart just ached. I miss him. It's going to take some time.

Tonight during my night of reflection, I was reading a couple of things that made me think. My church has been going back to various parts of Isaiah recently, so I decided to read through the whole book to get some context on the verses they have been highlighting. One thing that stuck out to me tonight was God's power and control over everything. He spoke through Isaiah and told him exactly how He was going to redeem the Israelites. He calmed the fears of the king of Judah by telling him specifically what was going to happen in the future. God already had everything all mapped out. So, rather than worrying about figuring out what the future holds, if I believe the Word to be Truth, I need to rest in the fact that God already has it figured out for me. Why do we worry so much??

I then looked up passages that talked about being patient because that's one struggle I have...being patient for what God has planned. It's hard for me to wait for something I can't see coming ahead. I'm a planner. I like to know what lies ahead. So, rather than being patient and doing what I know is right, I take things into my own hands and make decisions based on the here and now. I do what I want because it's something I know. I want to just throw caution to the wind and date Janaque despite him living 1,000 miles away because I know I like him, he likes me, and he makes me happy. But, that might not be what's best for us right now...or ever. I don't like not knowing, but I need to practice being patient and making good decisions in the meantime.

I was led to Colossians 1:9-12: "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light." Those are things I should be striving for. Those are the things that "please him in every way". It says in John that in order to bear fruit, we need to remain connected to God and allow Him to trim the branches that aren't producing fruit. That will in turn help us (me) grow in the knowledge of God and become stronger with endurance and patience.

God's not going to abandon me. He's not going to leave me high and dry. I need to just trust Him. I don't know why that's so hard for me sometimes. But I pray that I'm able to remain in Him...and that each day gets easier as I grow in patience and wait for Him.

Decision...

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks, but it's been a crazy busy last 3 weeks.

Last time, I wrote about hanging out with my Lifegroup and a guy named Janaque from my LG who was moving to Massachusetts. Well, about 2 weeks before he moved away, we realized that all of our hanging out was becoming more than friends. I didn't think I liked him initially, but the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him. We then had a decision to make...not see each other the last 2 weeks he was in town, or continue to hang out and essentially "date" for those 2 weeks. We chose the latter. ;) To make a long story short, we saw each other just about every day/night those 2 weeks and it was probably the best 2 weeks I've ever had. We realized that we were making him moving away harder on us, but I honestly didn't think it would be that hard after only knowing him well for about a month and "dating" for 2 weeks.

I was wrong.

Janaque moved away last Tuesday and it sucked...royally. I couldn't believe how much I fell for this guy in those short 2 weeks. We thought the smart thing would be to just try to be friends and keep boundaries on how often we talked. That lasted about a day. We couldn't hold back talking to each other. We talked last Saturday night for about 4 hours and in that conversation, realized we had a big decision to make. We couldn't keep things the way they were without any kind of definition. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Do we try the friend thing or do we try the long distance dating thing? The "I like you but I'm not actually dating you" thing wasn't going to work.

The "just be friends" route would be much safer. My type A logical brain likes that option. How could I possibly date and feel this way about someone after only 2 weeks of dating?? Trying a long distance relationship just seems foolish. But, just being friends means we'd probably have to not talk as much...I don't know if that would be possible.

On the other hand, a long distance relationship would mean a ton of risk and commitment. It would mean lots of money in flights to visit and trying to grow closer/continue to get to know each other from afar. And, ultimately if things worked out, it would mean one of us would have to sacrifice and move. Yikes.

We decided we couldn't make that decision in the spur of the moment. We decided we needed to pray about it. A lot. And talk to those closest to us to get advice. To do that, we decided not to talk (phone/text/email/FB) for a week so we could spend some quality time with the Lord about it. It's only been 2 days and I'm going crazy. I don't think I can last a whole week without talking to him. But, it has allowed me some sweet time with Jesus.

Obviously I need to talk to him to see where he's at with all this, but these last 2 days have showed me that I don't want to be "just friends" and not talk as much. I miss him too much. It scares the crap out of me though. A long distance relationship takes a lot of commitment. Any kind of relationship is risky. Can I really be feeling this way after 2 weeks?? How do I know this is really real and not just the beginning "honeymoon" stage?

I really just need to not let my head freak out and rest in God. I need to trust that He has everything under control. If it's meant to be, it'll all work out. If not, He'll let us know that too. I'll keep you posted. :)

"Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for You are God my Savior,
and my hope is in You all day long."
Psalm 25:4-5

I had an awesome weekend! I went to a game night at my new friend Janaque's (pronounced juh-nake) on Friday night...kind of a last hurrah before he moves away in 2 weeks. Saturday, my lifegroup did some clean up at the Arboretum in the morning, went out to lunch together, and then played some frisbee. Saturday night, Janaque and I had a movie night together and ended up staying up really late talking and getting to know each other more. Sunday was purely lazy...and amazing. I think I watched 7 hours of football (while doing schoolwork and other things)...glorious.

This weekend was so good for me. It felt amazing to have plans in Madison and to feel like I have a friend group. It kind of made me sad though. I'm having such a great time with Janaque. He's like my little buddy here (he's 4 years younger than me...making him almost my younger sister's age and kind of like a little brother). We have so much fun. I can just call him up out of the blue and we can find random (and not-so-random) things to talk about for much longer than planned. He's an extrovert like me, so he's almost always up for hanging out on the spur of the moment. But...he's moving in 2 weeks. I told him the other day (when we were talking about how we were bummed that we just became friends a couple weeks ago) that it's just how my life works. I don't fully understand why it's working out like this. But, I'm not going to lie...I'm bummed that it is.

In spite of all this, I feel like God is trying to teach me something big. I just listened to yesterday's sermon from church online. It was about God's holiness and Tim used the passage in Isaiah 6 to paint the picture. Basically, the takeaway was that God's holiness is good (it's all-powerful and gives us life) but it also exposes our sin and requires that our sin be dealt with in order for us to be in God's presence. Thankfully, Jesus paid the ultimate price for our sins so that we can experience God personally. However, that doesn't mean we get to walk away scotch free when we sin. Yes, we are forgiven and can have access to eternal life. But we still need to deal with the sins in our life. And, as is shown in Isaiah, that refining is necessary, but will hurt. We've become so addicted and adapted to our sinful ways (personally and as a human race), that turning from them and dealing with them is going to be painful and hard. But it's absolutely necessary to experience life in Christ.

Like other times, the basic concept of all this isn't new. But, I think I've gotten accustomed to expecting life to be relatively easy and for repentance to be as simple as telling God "I'm sorry". I made so many horrible choices this past summer. I've struggled with the same sins for years, knowing that they were trouble areas for me, without a ton of success in walking away from them. I think I'm starting to realize that after the choices I deliberately made to do the complete opposite of what I knew was right, I'm having to deal with them before I can move on in my life. In the past, I've just gone right along with life...making it really easy to forget about areas of sin that I struggle with and secretly hoping that God would too. This time is different. God has blessed me with some community here in Madison so far, but I think I need to use this time of "less" community to focus on myself and God. This past weekend with Janaque is a good example. I found a good friend...an extrovert like me. So what do I do? Spend hours upon hours with him. Even though it wasn't necessarily bad, it's easy for me to get caught up in hanging out with friends and not take any time for myself or God. And that's only going to get me right back to where I was this past summer.

I struggle with unhealthy boundaries with boys I'm attracted to, among many other things...so to rid myself of that struggle (or at least allow for God to work in that area), He has to cleanse me of those situations. And, as Tim said in the sermon, it's not fun and might even hurt. It sucks to have your best friends move away, to be plucked from a comfortable and familiar place, and to move to a place that is familiar but not at the same time. But, I trust that God has a land of nourishment for me on the other side of this desert. In the meantime, HE needs to be my nourishment so that I can learn to make God my nourishment at all times, whether I'm in a desert or not.