Ulysses

I've been obsessed with Josh Garrels lately.  He came to Blackhawk back in April to open up for Jars of Clay as part of the Pulse Arts Conference.  I've been hooked ever since.

His music really resonates with me.  Aside from his musicality just being phenomenal, his lyrics have a way of hitting my heart right where it's at.  On the one album I have on my iPod, there are 5 straight songs that I could listen to on repeat.  They all have something in the lyrics that hit my heart in different ways.

One of those songs is called Ulysses.  The lyrics in this song really speak to how I've been feeling about Josh lately.  In my last post, I said that I overall have felt pretty good about how things ended between us.  To be completely honest, I haven't felt as sure about it the last couple of weeks.  I've been a wreck at times.  I can't even count on my fingers how many times I've shed tears while driving in my car, usually listening to Josh Garrels songs.  I've cried myself to sleep a couple of times.  I even found myself crying at the end of Cast Away tonight.  I never cry at movies.  Ever.

Don't worry, I'm not walking around moping all day.  But I will say that the smile you see on my face isn't always real.  I am usually pretty good at putting on a strong front when I'm around people. But by myself, it all comes out, lately in the form of tears.

I have some amazing women in my life who all have been stellar friends during this time.  They have taken time to get together with me one-on-one, kept me busy with fun things, and sent me gifts that make me laugh.  I am incredibly thankful for all of them, even if they aren't physically near me.  I deeply appreciate their support.  But to be honest, it doesn't bring Josh back.  There's still a hole in my heart that girlfriends or gifts can't fill.  A hole that is so incredibly gaping and obvious as I attend weddings, hear of more friends engaged, or see pictures of people having the time of their lives with a spouse and/or children.  I have a great time with my friends when I'm with them.  But I have never experienced so much happiness and fulfillment outside of being with Josh.  It felt different than any happiness I've had before, and I would do anything to have it back.

So, that's where I'm at.  I miss Josh more than I can explain.  I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions ranging from sadness to frustration to confusion.  Sad that I can't see or talk to him (or the girls) regularly.  Frustrated that I can't have my turn to experience what I long for so much.  Confused as to why it's happening this way.  And I don't really know what to do with that.

Sorry for being a bit of a downer.  But I want to be real with where I'm at.  I'm honestly not sitting around expecting Josh to come running back to me.  I know there's a big chance I have to move on with my life.  But that's going to take some time...and some desperate prayers to God to work in my heart.  I've prayed at times more fervently than ever before, desperate for God to heal my heart.  Feeling like this sucks and I know He's the only one that can do anything about it.  It doesn't feel like anything is working yet, but I have to keep praying.  Begging that if I'm not supposed to be with Josh someday, He would take these feelings away and help me move on.  And if Josh and I are supposed to be together again someday, I pray that I would find peace in the meantime.  No matter, I have to constantly remind myself that this all isn't happening because God doesn't love me.  It doesn't feel a whole lot like love right now, but I'm sure it will someday, somehow.

"Ulysses" by Josh Garrels

I’m holding on to hope that one day this could be made right. 
I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights. 
Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night 
But oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light. 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 
Until, I find, my love 

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown 
Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones 
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home 
Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 

So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home 
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone 
I want to hold, her in, my arms

Taking a Break from the Kenya Posts

So I kinda dropped the ball on my Kenya posts!  I promise I'll come back to finish up the rest of my trip.  Today I'm going to take a break with posting about Kenya.

A little over 2 weeks ago, Josh and I broke up.  I sort of sensed it coming because he seemed to pull away ever since I got back from Kenya.  His custody trial was the week after I got back (Thursday and Friday), so I just assumed he was stressed about that.  

The week of his custody trial came and went, and I didn't see him that entire week.  We talked on the phone a couple of times, but most of our communication was through a few texts throughout the week. I knew he was stressed, but something just didn't feel right.  I was trying to be supportive without smothering, but he wasn't really letting me in.  I wanted to respect the space I thought he was showing me he needed, but I was sad that he didn't want to let me comfort him.  Finally on Sunday, after not seeing him for a week and after his custody stuff was settled, I asked if I could see him.  He told me to come over in the evening because he wanted to spend the afternoon processing everything that had happened.  

On my way over to his house, I had this weird feeling that this was going to be it.  Something just didn't feel right...he wasn't the same Josh I had known for the past 4 months.  When I got there and he didn't hug me, I knew my gut feeling was right.  Despite that, he mixed us up some cocktails and we sat out on his porch for about 2 hours, just having normal conversation.  We made our way inside due to the bugs and that's when he finally brought up how he was feeling.  It basically came down to us being on different levels of emotion and commitment to the relationship.  That was something I knew and expected when I went into the relationship, figuring if he hadn't dated since being divorced, he probably wasn't going to jump into things quickly.  Because of this, I let him take the lead with various steps of our relationship - involving the girls, meeting and getting involved with family, etc.  He took all of those steps, and took them relatively early, so I allowed myself to open up my heart.  Those steps implied that he was feeling confident in our relationship and where it was headed, and therefore wanted to invest our time with those closest to him.  After our breakup, I found out he didn't have the feelings behind what those steps implied.  It really hurt to hear that.

Because I am someone who takes time to process things and because I felt a little blindsided, I didn't have very many coherent thoughts the night we broke up.  So I processed through how I was feeling and sent him an email the next night.  I wanted him to understand what the steps he took in our relationship told me and what they did to my heart.  He responded saying he was going to take some time to hear what I was saying and respond thoughtfully.  After a few days and no response from him, we both decided talking face to face was going to be much easier.  

About a week after we broke up, we got together to talk face to face.  I was hurt, but I wanted him to have a chance to explain himself more before I got too upset.  Our talk was so good.  He walked me through the thought processes he had when making decisions in our relationship (like how much to involve the kids) and why he decided what he did.  I learned that he is still operating in a mindset from when he was in an unhealthy marriage.  He thought I would've been upset if the girls weren't a part of our relationship and thought that's what I expected.  When he started feeling unsure and uneasy about how quickly our relationship was progressing, he got scared to say something because he's used to hard conversations turning into yelling and fighting.  In reality, we were on the same page the entire time but just didn't know it.  I told him repeatedly that I wished he had just said something.  I told him that I never expected the girls (or our families) to be a part of our relationship right away and was looking to him to decide when he was ready.  There were so many "should'ves" in our conversation and I said multiple times that I wish we had a redo button.  We simply did not communicate well - he out of fear and me out of wanting to give him space and not seem pushy.  Had we just had this conversation earlier in our relationship, things would've gone so much differently.  But it didn't and there's probably a good reason for it.

By the end of our talk, we felt a huge sense of relief and peace.  Both of us went into our talk feeling anxious but once we talked things through and understood each other better, we felt much better.  I realized through our talk that he has so much healing he needs to do still.  He still operates out of fear and insecurities, and he needs time to sort through all that and figure out who he is apart from his ex-wife.  As hard as it is to lose him, I know this is what he needs and I felt so much peace about just letting him go.  We could certainly feel God's presence in our conversation that night and we felt very comforted by Him.  We knew this was the right thing for now.  We ended our talk by holding hands and praying for each other.  I told him he needs space right now and he needs to decide what that looks like.  

Overall, I have continued to feel a huge peace about how things ended between Josh and I.  I know this is the right thing for the time being.  But I also have this weird sense that this isn't it between us.  Throughout our relationship, I felt like things were just so right between us.  I couldn't really explain it, but it just felt so perfect.  When it ended, I was devastated that he didn't feel the same way.  But after we talked, I was reminded that it wasn't something about me that caused the break up, it was the brokenness and hurt that Josh still has in his heart and mind.  He told me how much he cares about me...it was nice to hear that from him.  So when we ended our talk, I just had this sense that God was telling me, "let him go...this isn't the end."  I don't know how much weight to put into gut feelings though, so I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Josh to be ready.  It very well may be that my gut feeling is wrong and we may need to move on.  So in the time being, I'm going to go on with my life.  If another guy that I'm interested in comes along, I'll pursue that.  If Josh comes back, great.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep praying that God would work in my heart and mold it to whatever He has planned.

Despite my huge sense of peace, I've still had my hard days.  The first of those came last Sunday.  Pastor Chris did a sermon on Psalm 23 as a part of our summer Praying the Psalms series.  By the end of the sermon and into the closing worship, I was in tears.  It's a psalm that verbalizes what I've trusted in and believed in all week, thus giving me the confidence that this is the right thing.  But for some reason, it was hard that day.  I think some of it was mourning the loss of what Josh and I had, especially after feeling the lack of Josh's presence at various times over the weekend.  I think some of it was also the realization that even though God is with me through it all, it's not always going to be easy or feel good.  Being a Christ-follower sometimes means loss - and that hurts.  I think I had to mourn that.  I don't want the loss right now.  It hurts to lose someone you love.  (Yes, I said it...I love Josh.  I was always afraid to say it out loud, but I've known it for a while.)  But, I also realized that day that I have a choice to make.  I can choose to continue to mourn and let my heart grow bitter because of the loss, or I can choose to believe Psalm 23 is truth.  The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He guides me along the right paths.  His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.  I choose to believe this is a part of God's bigger and better plan.  It seems like what I had - what Josh and I had - was so right and so perfect.  But it turns out God has something more right and more perfect.  That's hard to comprehend.  But I can't wait to see what that is.  In the meantime, "He refreshes my soul."

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Kenya -- Day 5

Tuesday 6/25 - Loitoktok Medical Camp
After a couple of hours of "sleep" (between someone chopping wood until the wee hours of the night and sleeping on the floor, we didn't get much solid sleep), we woke up bright and early to catch a glimpse of Mt. Kilimanjaro's peak.  Since June is the beginning of winter in Kenya, it was overcast just about everyday.  However, at dawn or right before dusk, the clouds would often break.  Getting up at the crack of dawn proved to be worth it once we made our way across the street to get a good view of the mountain.  We all stood in awe of God and His creation as we watched the sun rise and cast shadows on the peak.  Pictures don't do it justice.

We returned to the camp to grab a breakfast of eggs, toast, and tea before the craziness of the day.  Even before the start of the medical camp at 8:00 am, people started to show up and wait.  This was the first medical camp Beacon of Hope had done in Loitoktok, so we didn't really know how many people to expect.  The night before, we had delegated roles for everyone and I was made a "runner".  My job was to take the patients from the doctor/clinic area and to walk them to their next location - HIV testing, cervical cancer testing, or pharmacy.  The set-up of this medical camp wasn't ideal because the location of the pharmacy was a long walk across an open area of dirt.  At first, I didn't really feel like my job was super important, but after walking about a dozen patients all the way to the pharmacy in the first hour or less, I quickly realized how long this day was going to be.  As soon as I would return from walking one patient over, a doctor would have another patient ready to go.  Because the patients were mostly Maasai people, most didn't speak English or even Swahili.  The doctors and nurses used local translators, but I wasn't able to speak to the patients I walked with.  They often walked out of the clinic looking confused and lost, which required me to speak directly to the doctor or refer to their paperwork to know where to take them.  

Because I couldn't talk to the patients, I often didn't know their stories.  However, the doctors learned the most about these people and what brought them to the clinic.  We quickly learned that many of the people that visited us had never seen a doctor before.  There is a hospital in the general area, but so many of these people's mode of transportation is by foot, making medical care very inaccessible.  In addition, many of the Maasai people are farmers, and therefore can't afford medical care even if they had access to it.  The doctors shared many cool stories with us afterwards, but I'll just share a couple.

One Maasai man came missing a leg, hobbling in on a homemade crutch and walking stick, and wearing the traditional Maasai dress.  One of our American doctors, Todd, saw him and told us that many years ago, he was attacked by a lion.  The initial attack left him wounded, but he still had his leg.  A few years later, he was attacked by a lion again, in which he lost almost his entire leg.  He was able to get around using his homemade crutch, but his leg stub rubbed the crutch every time he took a step, causing a large open sore.  Todd was able to treat the open wound, and got him in touch with someone who could provide him with a covering for his stub so it wouldn't continue getting injured with each step he took.  I can't even imagine how much this little treatment changed this man's life.  We actually had a few men come in claiming they had been attacked by lions, which makes sense when you realize they live in the Serengeti.  We also learned that a traditional Maasai rite of passage is to catch a lion, which I imagine would result in a lot of injuries.  Talk about cultures being worlds apart.

Another man brought in a young child, around 4 or 5 years old.  The man said the boy had never been able to walk.  Our doctors were able to determine that the child had Cerebral Palsy, explain to the man what that meant, and got him in touch with the local hospital to get the boy braces for his legs.  So cool.

Discussing with a translator trying to figure out what this patient needs

Befriending a little boy who was waiting for his father to finish with a doctor

Walking a Maasai woman the lengthy walk to the pharmacy

There was a consistent long line all day and people waited for hours.  All I could think about was how quickly Americans would complain or give up if heaven forbid we ever have to wait a fraction of how long these people voluntarily waited.

My fellow runner partner, Mick!

Maasai beauty

I feel like this is straight out of National Geographic!

Kenya -- Days 3 & 4

Sunday 6/23
For church on Sunday, we went to Nairobi Chapel - Rongai.  Nairobi Chapel is a church similar to Blackhawk in that it has many venues around the Nairobi area.  The Rongai campus reminded us a lot of Blackhawk - Fitchburg (or so I was told...I haven't been to the Fitchburg venue yet).  The atmosphere felt very similar to church in the States, but once the music started, it suddenly felt completely different!  The music they played was upbeat, some of it was in English and some in Swahili, and just about every song included dancing!  Not only did the Kenyans do their own little dances to the music, but the worship leaders led the whole congregation in various dance moves!  With this only being our 2nd full day in Kenya, I was feeling pretty out of my comfort zone.  I loved watching everyone during worship though.  There was so much joy and praise in the room - enough to blanket the entire city.  Everyone was just so joyful and so in love with the Lord.  It was hard not to smile.  After church, Nairobi Chapel had a newcomers tea.  We went outside to a tent set up next to the church and were served tea and mandazis.  Since Kenya was colonized by the British, there are still many British influences in the culture, and tea is one of them.  The Kenyans have tea and mandazis every day around 10:00 am (and also sometimes in the afternoon).  The tea is a chai-type of tea mixed with milk and offered with sugar on the side.  It wasn't as good as a chai you might get at Starbucks or something, but it wasn't bad.  At the newcomers tea, some of the worship team sat and had tea with us.  At our table, we talked to Linstrom, one of the vocalists and "emcees" of the service.  (Kenyan church services have "emcees" that talk about announcements, things happening in the church, and lead the congregation in a "question of the day" where everyone discusses a topic related to the sermon or something happening in the church).  Linstrom works full-time as a tax guy and loved asking us about what life is like in Wisconsin.  He couldn't quite fathom the thought of snowy and cold winters.  ;)  This was my first experience really talking to and getting to know one of the locals.  It was awesome to hear what his life is like in Kenya, and note the similarities and differences.  We all talked about how cool it would be for our churches to do some sort of exchange program, where we could go to Kenya and work with Nairobi Chapel, and they could come to Wisconsin and work with Blackhawk.  If anything, Linstrom would love to visit the States, so Kristin and I exchanged email addresses with him and have since connected with him on Facebook.

After church, we went to Ken and Jane Wathome's house for lunch.  Jane Wathome is the founder of Beacon of Hope and is an incredible woman.  She has such a heart for the people of her country and is doing so many things to spread the love of Jesus to the sick and poor in many parts of Kenya.  Ken and Jane have a beautiful house with an incredible patio/backyard.  I've never seen such a beautifully manicured lawn and landscaping!  We ate a ton of amazing food, connected to wifi for the first time since landing in Kenya, and enjoyed a relaxing afternoon of fellowship with her family.  It was the afternoon we had all been needing.

Ken and Jane Wathome's house

Our team enjoying an amazing lunch in the backyard of the Wathomes'

Later on Sunday, a few of us visited the Karen Blixen museum.  I have yet to see it, but the movie Out of Africa was about Karen Blixen.  She was an influential woman to the Kenya in the early 20th century and helped many people in her community.  She lived not far from where we were staying in the town of Karen (named after her), so her house was made into a museum.  It was interesting to hear about her life.  The team is planning an Out of Africa viewing party sometime this summer for those of us who haven't seen it. :)

Us at the Karen Blixen museum

Karen Blixen museum

Monday 6/24
In the morning, we went to Beacon of Hope for their daily devotional time.  All of the Beacon staff (except the teachers) gather every morning for worship and teaching.  The worship time was simple - one man, David, leading the singing, and everyone's voices.  Now, we have some very talented musicians at Blackhawk and even on our team, but let me tell ya, Kenyans can sing!  Their harmonies are unmatchable.  It was so cool to just listen to their voices sing praises in Swahili.  After learning a few Swahili songs, we heard a devotional from Beacon's chaplain.

After devotions and tea time, we started loading things up to begin the long drive to our first medical camp location, Loitoktok ("Loy-tock-tock").  Loitoktok is a small rural community located near the Kenya-Tanzania border, near the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro, and part of the Masai Mara (the Kenyan side of the Serengeti).  The Masai Mara is home to the Maasai tribe.  As we drove through the Masai Mara, it felt like we had stepped back into time.  The land was wide open in every direction with hardly any sign of civilization.  Every now and then, we would see small huts with Maasai people tending to cattle or walking with large walking sticks.  Many of them still wear the traditional Maasai tribal dress, which consists of bright red and blue fabric worn as shawls or skirts.  All of them stretch out their earlobes and have circles branded on their cheeks.  The women wear a ton of brightly colored jewelry on their ears and heads.

Woman in traditional Maasai dress that visited our medical camp

One thing we learned pretty quickly is that the Kenyans' view of time is very different than Americans. We are so used to sticking to a schedule, not being late, and being efficient so that we can get as much done in a certain amount of time as possible.  That's not how the Kenyans work.  Time is usually a general guideline, and we quickly learned not to really trust the amount of time we were told by a Kenyan.  Our drive to Loitoktok was one of our first lessons in this.  We were told that it would be a 3 hour drive, 4 at the most.  5 1/2 hours later, we finally made it to the church where the medical camp was going to be.  Mealtimes are another example of how time is not of as much importance.  While we are very used to lunch or dinner being at a certain time, we never really knew when our next mealtime would be.  When we got to Loitoktok, it was "dinnertime" according to our American internal clocks; however there was a lot of work to be done before we could think about food.  We met the church pastor that was hosting us and his family, and started setting things up for the medical camp.  Of course, a big group of "Mzungus" (white people) rolling into a tiny community like Loitoktok would attract some attention.  Some of the neighborhood children noticed us and quickly started hanging around our site.  A few of us tried to talk to them, but most of them didn't know much English.  Either way, they were freaking adorable and we did our best to play and interact with them.  Afterwards, we ate dinner and had a worship/devotional time with our team, the Beacon of Hope team, and the local church's team.  It included a lot of dancing and laughing.  Shortly after, all the women set up sleeping bags in the "youth room", the men set up in the church, and we attempted to get a few hours of sleep before a long medical camp day.

Colleen and I with some of the local children!

My favorite local Loitoktok child.  Her name was Wongatti (sp?) and followed me around everywhere. :)

Setting up the camp inside the church.  We hung sheets to make "cubicles" for each of the doctors to have their own space to see patients.

Kenya -- Days 1 & 2

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Kenya!  I still can't believe I did something like this.  I usually am afraid to go out of my comfort zone, and this trip certainly did that!  I'm so glad I did though.  It was quite the experience.  We did so much on our trip, so I'm going to break the trip down and summarize a day or two at a time.

I went with a team of 17 people from Blackhawk, ranging in age from 19 to mid-50s, and consisting of mostly doctors/nurses and teachers/educators.  Once in Kenya, we met up with 3 other men who joined our team for the week.

Friday 6/21
After a long trip (16 hours in a plane), we made it to Kenya late on Friday night (Kenya time).  We picked up some necessities and headed straight to the guest house for bed.  We stayed at Kijiji (pronounced "ka-jee-jee") Guest House in Karen, a suburb of Nairobi.  Kijiji (or "the Jeej" as we started calling it halfway through the trip) consisted of 2 large, round buildings with many 2 or 3-person bedrooms, and one cottage big enough for 4 people.  I stayed in the cottage with Colleen (whom I shared a bedroom with), Julie, and Tara.  We eventually deemed our cottage "The Ladies Lounge" because we were the only ones with a living room area and kitchen.  The accommodations were pretty nice for Kenya.  The bathrooms/showers were similar to nicer camping bathrooms in the States.  We slept in beds like you would find at a summer camp.  I slept pretty hard every night I was there, so they must not have been that bad. ;)

Outside view of our "Ladies Lounge" cottage at Kijiji

Saturday 6/22
Saturday morning, we woke up bright and early, and grabbed breakfast at the Kijiji cafeteria.  One of my biggest worries was the food, but we actually ate a lot of things you would eat in the States.  Breakfast usually consisted of eggs, toast, and sausage (although the sausage was very different than ours...rumor has it that it could've been chicken or even warthog!).  Some days we even had french toast.  After breakfast, we drove to Beacon of Hope, the organization our church partners with and that we were working with for the week.  BOH helps women with or affected by AIDS, in addition to running a clinic for AIDS testing, treatment, and education, and a primary school for ages 3-8.  BOH teaches women with or affected by AIDS various skills to help them provide for their family.  Women there can learn weaving, sewing, beadwork, or cooking.  The products they make are then sold and the profits go to the women.  BOH is growing quickly, so when we went on Saturday morning for a tour, we were able to see the new buildings in the process of being built.  They are building a youth center, where teens can spend time and take classes on music, art, cooking, etc., a guest house for groups like us to come and stay, a large group gathering room for large group meetings and morning devotions, and a new school building to house more grades than the school has now.  It was so cool to see all they are doing for the community.  After the tour, the teachers on our team met with the teachers of BOH Academy to discuss our plans for the 2 days we were going to spend with them.  They had given us a list of things they wanted our help with and for us to bring, so we had to narrow down what we would have time to accomplish.

Afterwards, we grabbed a quick lunch at a coffee shop (similar to Panera), and headed to another organization our church is involved with called Care of Creation.  COC teaches local farmers good farming practices in order to help preserve the land.  There is a lot of deforestation happening in parts of Kenya due to people mainly relying on fire as a heating source for cooking.  Farmers also don't use the land wisely when they farm, so COC is helping them farm in order to prevent erosion and to use space wisely.  We were served tea and mandazis (like a donut) upon arrival, heard all about what COC is doing, and then saw some of their garden plots, demonstrating the farming practices they teach.

That night, we got dinner at Kijiji and had a laid-back evening.  A few people came over to our cottage to hang out and then went to bed.

The main building at Beacon of Hope

Beacon of Hope Academy

Life has been pretty busy lately, so I haven't been very good about blogging.  Now that school is out and I won't be working this summer, hopefully I will be better at keeping you guys updated.

Things with Josh are going wonderfully.  He is an amazing man.  The amount of communication and openness in our relationship has been much more than I'm used to, but I love and appreciate it.  Josh is going through a tough custody battle right now and has been put through the ringer in attempts to keep his kids and get more time with them.  I feel so badly for all that he's been and is going through.  This has definitely made our relationship go to a different level right away.  Although there's not much I can physically do to help him, it has caused me to think about how I can be supportive of him and help him through this time.  It has definitely made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm really an adult now."  I've never experienced divorce from this side of things, and I don't have any experience with the court system.  I'm definitely learning a lot.  It really sucks and I'm praying for a positive outcome when it's all said and done in July.

One thing that I'm learning about myself through my relationship with Josh is that I have a lot of fears.  I've been in some not-so-healthy relationships in the past, which contribute to these fears.  Recently, I've been finding myself having slight freak-out moments where I start to worry that Josh is pulling away or that he will say he's not interested in me anymore.  In my past relationships, the guys have always been the ones to end things between us, oftentimes out of nowhere.  Even in my longest relationship of over a year where I thought I was going to marry the guy, he ended things.  I am absolutely terrified of that happening with Josh.  I care about Josh a lot and can without a doubt see a future with him.  He is so much of what I want and need in a partner, and then some.  I'm terrified of losing that.  If Josh is stressed and seems a little more distant (I still can't figure out if it's just me thinking he's being distant or if he really is), I start to worry.  I've experienced these slight freak-outs in past relationships, but this time it's causing me to think about how I can curb them before they fester.  I'm trying to use them as an opportunity to just pray and lay it all at God's feet.  He ultimately has my future in His hands, and whether Josh is in it or not, He knows what's best for me.  This is hard for me to believe at times, but I've definitely seen how God's plan is always the best, which is a good reminder.  Josh has also gone through a lot of heartache with his divorce and we talked the other day about some of the fears he has with getting married again someday.  I'm hoping we can lean on each other to help us through the fears we both have, rather than letting them bother us.

In other news, I'm going to Kenya in a week!!  I will definitely write some posts about my trip when I get back!

Blown Away by Grace

It turns out patience pays off.  In my last post, I wrote about how I was trying to be patient with things with Josh.  A few days after I wrote that post, Josh and I went out on another date.  At the end of the date, I went to his place to hang out and we ended up having the "DTR" talk.  More on that in a minute.

Rewind a few days.  I had gone to the zoo with him and his girls about a week before and that outing left me very confused about what we were.  We had gone out a couple of times but he hadn't shown any outward interest, and then all of a sudden I was meeting his kids.  Well, it turns out that day was a "test" - a test to see how I fit in and how the girls acted around me and thought of me.  It could not have gone better.  The day felt fun and comfortable and he told me his girls (especially his youngest who is pretty shy around new people) were completely themselves around me.  It was also a pivotal day for me as well, which I didn't realize until afterwards.  Meeting his kids that he talked about so much and seeing him in "dad" mode calmed a lot of my fears and hesitations.  He's a great dad and I can see a lot of his amazing character when he's with his kids.  The fact that the day felt so comfortable and fun also made me realize that I want a family and am ready for a family...and I need to break down any expectations of how that might play out.

Okay...fast forward to the DTR date.  Josh told me that he invited me to meet his kids because they are his life and if he's with someone, it's important that she fit who they are as a family and that his kids are comfortable with her.  He said he saw a side of his youngest daughter at the zoo that only comes out when she's with family (never with people she doesn't know) and then on the drive home, she asked when I was coming back.  He said that day was so important for him and it confirmed that he wants to pursue a relationship with me.  I told him all about how I was hesitant at first about the fact that he has kids but how those fears were calmed after I met them at the zoo.  We talked into the wee hours of the morning (on a school night...oops!) and it was like a wall just crumbled between us.  As soon as we brought it all out in the open, there was no question anymore of how we each felt.

The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of late nights, hours of getting to know each other on a deeper level, and fun times with friends, family, and the girls.  It has been the best 3 weeks and things only keep getting better the more we get to know each other and the more the girls and I get to know each other.  I never want time with him to end.

In the last week or so, we've had the difficult but good talk about everything that happened in his divorce, struggles he's had in the past, and struggles I've had in the past.  If I hadn't already thought things just felt right between us, I certainly did after that conversation.  I'm just continually blown away at God's grace and perfect timing in each of our lives.  We would not have been good for each other even a year ago.  And not only that, but it is amazing how God is using things we've each struggled with to bring us closer to each other and relate to each other.  Darkness in my past is now turning out to be something God is using to bring life to our relationship.  I have no words for how amazed I am at how God works.

For so long, I didn't believe that there were any decent men out there that met my expectations and I didn't trust that God could provide the kind of man I truly longed for.  I kept hearing people tell me to be patient, that patience pays off in the end, and that God will provide in the way He sees is good for me and that it will be better than anything I can imagine.  Every time I heard something like that, I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, I know."  I never really believed it to be true...until now.