I Am Valuable

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night at a get-together at The Great Dane.  My friend, Dharma, is a guy I know from my church and has been on my frisbee team the last couple of summers.  It's hard to describe what kind of guy Dharma is, but let's just say he's not one to usually just open up and talk about personal things very often.  He's kind of a dark guy who "loves tragedy" (his words).  But as you get to know him, you find out that he has a big heart and loves people.

The get-together we were at was starting to wind down, and as I was considering leaving for the night, he plopped down on the stool next to me.  We chatted a bit about my friend's band that he really enjoys, and then he asked THE question.

"What's going on with you and Josh?"

I think people shy away from asking me this question, in fear that it will bring up uncomfortable emotions.  Or maybe people are just tired of hearing about it, haha.  But honestly, I don't mind talking about it.  I'm a verbal processor, so I like talking through things I'm feeling (most of the time) and hearing other people's perspectives.  Otherwise, it just festers inside of me and I don't know what to do with all my thoughts and feelings.  My thoughts go around in circles in my head and eventually drive me crazy.

My first response was "That's a great question…I don't know."  I then got into just about everything that's happened and how I've been feeling about it over the past few months.  Dharma isn't afraid to tell it like it is.  I like that about him.  He kept telling me that Josh is such a great guy (you don't need to tell me that twice!) and he just doesn't understand why he would give up on someone and something so great.  He feels like Josh gave up something so precious.  He kept telling me how valuable I am and that any guy to walk away from me is an idiot.  For the first time probably ever, when he talked about how valuable I am, rather than dismissing it, I said "I know I am."  I've never really believed that about myself until now.  It took nearly 30 years, but I know I am valuable.  I am a great catch!  I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer.  And now I find myself in this place where I love Josh and his girls, and would do just about anything for them.  I WANT to be a part of their lives and be a support for them.  I've learned that "helps" is one of my spiritual gifts and the thought of supporting Josh and helping him take care of his girls is something that brings a lot of joy to my heart.  For instance, I hate doing and folding laundry, but I've helped Josh with his laundry a couple of times and it's something that brings me joy when I know I'm doing it to help or serve someone else.  Not many girls would accept someone despite the past he's been through, love and accept his kids, and want to walk through all the mess with him.  I don't want to toot my own horn, but many people have told me they wouldn't do it and I can't explain why I don't hesitate to feel like that.

It was not only encouraging to hear someone say those things about me, but it was nice to hear that other people think we should be together.  Granted Dharma doesn't know everything about our relationship, but he said that when he saw Josh and I talking the night we first met, he thought to himself that it totally made sense and he hoped we would hit it off.  I know Josh has some fear when it comes to relationships (understandably so), but Dharma informed me that guys oftentimes will have something great in front of them but won't act on it until it's too late.  Sometimes they need a push to encourage them to do something and overcome the fear of rejection or failure.  I also found out that Dharma and another friend of ours hang out with Josh periodically, so he said he wants to continue to get to know Josh so that he can feel comfortable asking him his side of everything, and maybe even to nudge him to do something. ;)  I'm not going to say no to that!

So here I continue to wait.  I told Dharma that if an interesting guy came along, I wouldn't turn him down.  But I went out on dates with a couple other guys since breaking up with Josh, and it's clear that my heart isn't fully ready to move on.  There's something in me that still tells me to wait.  It feels foolish though.  It doesn't make sense to wait for someone who is afraid to move on.  But at the same time, it's not fair to me to make me wait for an indefinite amount of time.  I feel like at some point (and some point soon), Josh and I need to talk about this again.  I tried to make that happen by asking him if I could take him out for a birthday drink, but he said he was busy for the next couple of weeks with family birthdays and a work trip to Vegas.  So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it when he's not so busy or out of town for work.  Part of me doesn't expect him to take me up on it, but I'm not going to push it.  If he truly wants to strengthen our friendship like he told me he does, he needs to do some of the work too.  I can't always be the one to initiate things.  In the meantime, I will just have to take things one day at a time and see where God guides me.

Another Year Down

Another year has come and gone.  Man, it feels like these years go by faster and faster the older I get.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I love the New Year.  I love the idea of reflecting on the past year, thinking about lessons learned, things that went well and things that didn't, and making goals for the year to come.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  It's refreshing.

Overall, 2013 was a great year.  Sure, I had hard times and heartache, but it's all been for good.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I not only decided to get back into shape, but I stuck with it!  I signed up for a gym and a trainer, but gained so much more than muscle.  I learned how to eat better, how my body works, and workouts that will give me results.  More importantly, I gained a huge sense of accomplishment and realized that I am STRONG and can do so much more than I realize when I put my mind to it.  I gained a whole new sense of self, and now have the most positive self esteem I've had in my entire life.  It's a very welcome change to the way I used to view myself (think a lot of negative thoughts and comparison).

2.  I captained our frisbee team by myself this year, and we had a winning season!  It was the most fun I've had playing frisbee, and I made new friends along the way.  I also learned that I'm not a half-bad leader.

3.  I went overseas for the first time in my life.  It was such a scary step out of my comfort zone, but it was oh so good for me.  It was an incredible trip filled with new experiences, new friends (so many!!), uncertainty, new outlooks on the world, and lessons about me as a person.  I really struggled at certain points on the trip, mostly with feeling ineffective and wondering why I was there, but I learned so much about myself through that.  And now I have a special place in my heart for Africa - for its beauty and brokenness.  I saw and experienced so much brokenness and yet I feel like Africans are richer than we are in America.

4.  I had, yet another, relationship that ended.  Except this one was different.  I've really learned a lot from my relationship with Josh.  It's been almost a year since we first met and it's crazy to think about how I've changed because of him.  I don't know what 2014 holds for us (if anything), but I am so thankful that I know him and had the experiences I've had with him and his girls.  I've realized what I want in a relationship and I don't want to settle for anything less.  I've had glimpses of what it will be like to have a family and it's ignited an immense desire for a family of my own.  I've never had such a passion to be a wife or mother like I have now.  I've learned about myself as a partner in a relationship - ways I am strong and supportive, as well as things I do that I just need to not try to control on my own - and have had a glimpse at what a healthy relationship looks like.

5.  I've realized the importance of having deep, meaningful friendships.  I grew up as someone who was more of a "floater" and had a lot of acquaintances.  I've since been blessed with a lot of solid friendships, which have made me realize quality is far more valuable than quantity.  They've been a huge source of support this year and have helped me grow, laugh, cry, and smile.  We try to squeeze as much fun out of the stage of life we're in and it's been so much fun.  People tell me that I have a very fun life, and I tell them it's because I have such fun friends. :)

6.  Overall, I feel like I've really learned a lot about myself and who God has made me to be.  I've spent a lot of my life struggling with not liking who I am or even being unsure of who I really am.  I finally feel like I know who I am…and I finally like who I am.  Granted, there's still so much I can and want to work on, I've learned how to give myself grace, be okay with who I am, and trust God along this crazy path called life.

I don't really have many specific goals or resolutions for this new year.  I just want to continue on with what I learned and started in 2013 and see where God takes me.  I have little things here and there that I want to work on, but overall I'm just hopeful for what the new year will bring.

Bah Humbug

I was a Scrooge this Christmas.  I felt guilty for being in such a bad mood.  I mean, it's Christmas time - it's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" right?  It's a time to celebrate God sending his Son to be our Savior.  How can I not be joyful at a time meant for celebrating that?  

It didn't help that I caught a cold right before Christmas, so I wasn't feeling the greatest.  Nothing too horrible, but enough to be a nuisance.  On Christmas Eve, we always visit my dad's side of the family in northern Illinois.  This year, my dad was going to bring his fiancee (yes, that's right…I found out about this around late October/early November) and her 4 kids (plus one spouse).  I've had limited interactions with my dad's fiancee and had only met 2 of her 4 kids.  I'm not particularly close with my dad, and haven't really liked how he's handled the communication about his relationship and now wedding.  And by communication, I mean lack thereof.  Anyway, I wasn't feeling particularly social and wanting to do small talk with people I didn't know.  When they all showed up, my dad didn't introduce me to any of Shirley's kids.  The house was also super packed with close to 30 people, so it was kind of hard to make your way around to talk to people.  After a while, Shirley's daughter's husband introduced himself to my sister and I and did introductions with the rest of her kids.  The whole night just felt weird.  Lots has changed in my family (babies, weddings, etc.), which meant a lot  of family members don't come anymore and things feel different with the ones that are there.  And then add in this whole family of people I don't know.  To top my bad mood off, my dad didn't even get my sister or I anything for Christmas (actually not the first time that's happened), but yet was able to get his fiancee a huge rock for her finger.  Not that Christmas is all about the gifts, but that just didn't sit well with me.  

My dad's fiancee and her kids are nice people - I really don't have any problems with them as people.  I just have a problem with how my dad handles things.  He now has this new family that he's spending a ton of time with.  We had to remind my dad to include my sister and I in a family picture at Christmas - he was just going to do one of him and Shirley's family - to which he responded "oh…right".  After my parents got divorced, my dad turned into the kind of person who made promises he couldn't keep and someone who would cancel his time with us kids to go out on dates.  I've come to not trust my dad.  And frankly, I've shut down and hardened my heart towards a close relationship with him because I've been burned one too many times by him.  It's weird and kind of hurtful to see him now with his new family being the dad he never was to his "real" kids.  

On Christmas morning, I was hoping for a better mood.  Instead of staying at my mom and stepdad's Christmas eve night like we usually do, my sister and I stayed at my brother and sister-in-law's because they were going to host Christmas morning.  While it was fun to wake up to my little niece running around, it was weird not to wake up at home.  We had a yummy Christmas breakfast and then opened gifts.  Afterwards, I headed back to my mom's for Christmas with my stepfamily that afternoon.  At this point, my sour mood had returned and my cold was flaring up.  It didn't help that my stepfamily is super loud and somewhat obnoxious.  To top that off, we found out that my sister's boyfriend was going to propose to her that night.  I was excited for her, but I also felt this immediate pang of heartache thinking about my baby sister getting engaged, leaving me to literally be the only family member over the age of 18 not married (or in a serious relationship) on all 3 sides of my family.  

I suddenly realized I felt like I didn't fit in with my own family anymore.  Everyone has their own "other" life and I don't.  Christmas just made me feel sad.  I felt such a heartache at the ways my family has changed and evolved, while feeling like nothing has changed with me.  I feel stuck while everyone else has their own little families.  And what is hard is that I not only want it for myself so much, but I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what it feels like (or could feel like) with Josh and it hurts that I have to wait.  I went to the Nutcracker with Josh and the girls a couple of weeks ago, and it was so amazing.  It was a blast getting dressed up, going downtown with them, and watching them experience something I love so much for the first time.  I felt like my heart was going to burst with so much joy that afternoon.  The girls had a blast and were so excited and happy - it was just perfect.  I wish I could've bottled the day up so I could open it whenever I'm feeling down.  

I don't even feel the need to be married at this moment in life.  I know that isn't the end all, be all.  But I want to feel like I have that person (my lobster as Phoebe from Friends would say) and that I'm heading in the direction of starting a life and memories with someone.  Maybe I am with Josh…it's not totally out of the picture.  But in the meantime - in this strange stage of unknown - it's hard.  I can't get over how much of a heartache it gives me at times.  All the changes and all the uncertainty is hard to swallow at times.

I must say that I have been incredibly blessed to have such amazing girlfriends in my life, both near and far.  They are girls I can have fun with, scream at football with, but who are mostly in the same stage of life as me, so we lean on each other often.  It makes me feel a little less like something is wrong with me when they tell me they know how I'm feeling. ;)  I wouldn't be this sane without them.

I read this from a devotional almost a month ago and it's something I'm desperately trying to remember day to day.  I need to stop longing for the next season of my life to start and be thankful for the season I'm in, while resting in and waiting with the Lord.

"I was forever changed when I stopped looking to the next season to make my life better. I started looking to Jesus in my times of waiting, in my times of enduring, and in my times of just-getting-through. When I looked to Jesus, I realized that He would be with me in the Then but He was also with me in the Now. I didn’t need to get to a new season of life to know Him.

So, while you groan, while you wait with expectation, can you also look to Jesus and ask that He sit with you? We’re all waiting for something, and it’s a blessed thing to look straight in the face of Jesus and know that He’s waiting with us. Thank goodness."

All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans, I surrender these into Your hands

This weekend has been one of those weekends.  Nothing bad happened.  In fact, it was a great weekend because we celebrated Emily's 1st birthday yesterday.  However, the last few days have been ones where my insides literally ache for things I wish I had in my life.  A husband.  Kids.  A house of my own.  You know how it goes.

About a week ago, I went to a friend's housewarming party.  Josh was invited and was going to be there.  As always, I was excited to see him, but after our lunch date about a month prior, I wasn't really sure what to expect with how I'd feel when I saw him.  The party was fun and there was a good balance of Josh and I talking and us hanging out with other people.  But, I found it hard to not want to revert back to interacting with him the way I used to when we were dating.  It's hard not to flirt with him a little.  At the party, he was telling me about moving in a week and how much he hates packing.  I told him that I actually get a lot of joy out of packing a perfect box and to let me know if he wanted help packing.  

The following Wednesday, I asked him how his packing was going.  He said it was going really slowly and asked if I could help the next evening.  I went over on Thursday night, brought a pizza, and helped him pack, mostly with the girls' room.  It was such a fun night.  We got a lot done and worked well as a team.  At times, we would work in separate rooms and not talk a whole lot (which wasn't weird...I like when there isn't the pressure to always be talking) and other times we would work together packing a room up and talking the whole time.  I didn't feel like I needed him to tell me what needed to be done...I felt comfortable and just took charge of certain things that needed to be done.  I felt at home.  

After we finished packing, we sat and talked for almost 2 hours.  We talked about the girls, our families, work...things we usually talk about.  But, at one point in the conversation, he told me that the girls ask about me a lot.  That is such a bittersweet thing to hear.  It makes my heart so happy that the girls care about me so much that 3 months later, they're still asking about me.  But at the same time, it breaks my heart because I miss them so much.  I didn't ask what Josh tells them...I'm not sure I want to know.  Instead, I just expressed that I really miss them.  To that, Josh said that once they get settled in to their new apartment, we should get ice cream with the girls sometime.  I nodded in approval, but in my head I wasn't sure how I felt about that statement.  I would LOVE to see the girls again.  But what are they going to think?  I can just hear his youngest asking "Why don't we see you anymore?"  I have no idea what he's told them thus far...what would I say to a 5 year old asking that question?  Is it going to confuse them to see me again if Josh and I aren't together?  A big thing that scared Josh was how much the girls were involved in our relationship.  Why is he okay with this now?  If he goes through with inviting me to hang out with them, I will have to talk to him about all these questions and feelings first.  That's one thing we're both trying to be better about...saying something when something doesn't feel right or we're feeling uncertain.  

After that conversation, we just sat and looked at each other.  It was one of those moments where you could tell we both wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.  I wanted to say how much I miss him and still care about him.  Who knows what he was thinking.  It was straight out of My Best Friend's Wedding when there's a moment to say something, and then all of a sudden, the moment passes without anyone saying something.  Josh and I haven't talked about "us" since breaking up...I wasn't sure if bringing it up at that moment was the right thing to do.  I kind of want him to take the lead in that when/if he ever feels the need.  But part of me wishes I would've said something.  We had that problem in our relationship - I assumed he would say or do things when he felt ready, but he didn't.    Either way, ever since that moment, it's made me wonder if there could ever be the possibility of "us" again.  I know I said I can't sit and wait for him.  I'm not...in fact I have a first date this week with a guy a friend set me up with.  I'm not turning down the chance to meet other guys and pursue other possibilities.  But I just can't stop thinking about Josh and how I feel about him.  I seriously felt like we were married on Thursday when I was helping him pack.  At one point, I helped him fold some laundry and folded a pair of his boxers for goodness sakes (by accident...I thought they were a t-shirt when I picked them up :P)...but it wasn't weird.  It felt normal and like it was something we did all the time.  I feel like we're just so perfect for each other and it's so hard to not be able to do anything about it.  

Today at church I was reminded that no matter what my hopes and dreams are, I need to surrender them to God because He is in control and His way is best.  It's freeing and exciting to think that God could have an even better plan than what I could dream up, but it's SO hard to wait expectantly and patiently.  My heart aches when I think of how much I miss Josh's girls and family, and how much I care about Josh.  Only time will tell.  In the meantime, I'll just take things day by day and trust the Lord knows what He's doing. ;)

Keeping Busy

Yikes, life feels so crazy during the school year.  Working 10+ hour days, lifegroup, and now high school home group (I agreed to help lead a high school group in Waunakee this year) makes for some busy weeks.  My weekends are often filled with fun things with friends too.  Luckily I'm an extrovert and enjoy having things going on, as long as I have a day or two in the week to unwind.

Lots has happened on the boy front in the last month or so.  Josh and I have kept in touch through Facebook a bit since seeing each other in August.  It was really hard for me to not talk to him completely.  Last week, I sent him a link from something from church and he responded a few days later.  In his response, he asked me how I was and how school was going, and then told me he was running sound at church on Sunday and asked me to stop by.  Instead of just stopping by, I decided to ask if he wanted to grab lunch.  I didn't realize it until after I asked, but I realized I needed some clarity and closure from this lunch date.  It's been hard for me to feel like I could move on in the last few months because I "had this feeling" it wasn't over.  Whether or not that is true, I still need to move on with my life.  Anyway, we met up after church and went to Panera.  It was great to see him and to have a chance to catch up.  But, I did have some clarity.  In our conversation, we talked about how things were with his ex-wife and with the whole custody situation.  As he was talking, I realized nothing has changed.  Things with his ex-wife are the same...how he's feeling about it all are the same.  He's been divorced for 3 1/2 years...and he's still dealing with it.  How much longer will it go on?  Will he ever be ready for a relationship?  I realized I can't just sit and wait for him to be ready.  I know I said I wasn't going to just wait for him, but in my heart, I was.  I dreamed of him realizing how much life sucks without me and telling me he was wrong for breaking up with me.  But after seeing him last weekend, I realized that may never happen.  I can't hold out for something I hope will happen.  While it's sad to let go of, I realized it's something I need to do.  I will still miss him and I will always love him in some way, but I feel like this is something I need to do.

A couple of days before I saw Josh, I actually went out on a date with another guy.  About a week prior, a guy named Jeremiah messaged me because he saw me tagged in someone's pictures from the 80s run.  We messaged back and forth throughout the week and he asked me out for last Friday.  I met him at his place in Waunakee and we rode his motorcycle out to a trail in Lodi.  We hiked up the trail to eat a picnic and watch the sun set over Lake Wisconsin.  Afterwards, we drove back to his place and hung out around his fire pit.  Before I met him, I asked a few people who were friends with him on Facebook about him.  Most people had only met him once or twice, but let's just say he didn't get rave reviews.  Because of this, I wasn't super excited for our date.  But, we actually had a pretty nice time.  He doesn't show a lot of emotion initially and kind of comes off a little harsh, so I can see why people who don't know him well didn't have the best impression of him.  But once we both got comfortable, he opened up and softened up a bit.  We had enjoyable conversation and he made me laugh.  We've texted a little this week and are hanging out again on Thursday.  I had fun with him, but I'm not totally sure how I feel about him.  There are some things I still would like to know about him, like his faith, before I really know how I feel.  If anything, I felt encouraged on Friday.  It was encouraging to have fun with another guy and feel like I could move on from Josh.  It reassured me that life isn't over without Josh.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about life.  I love my friends and the fun times we have.  My job is demanding and tiring and hard this year, more than ever before, but day by day we make little gains.  Despite Josh not wanting to be with me, I'm feeling overall pretty good that a boy saw me in a ridiculous picture and liked what he saw, so much so that he felt the desire to pursue getting to know me.  Life will move on and God is with me every step of the way.  My life isn't what I thought it would be at almost 30 and there are so many things I ache to have in my life someday.  But, I was reminded this past week that every beautiful fall leaf, sunset, or cloud I see is God's nudge reminding me He's with me.  I can't ask for more than that.

Ulysses

I've been obsessed with Josh Garrels lately.  He came to Blackhawk back in April to open up for Jars of Clay as part of the Pulse Arts Conference.  I've been hooked ever since.

His music really resonates with me.  Aside from his musicality just being phenomenal, his lyrics have a way of hitting my heart right where it's at.  On the one album I have on my iPod, there are 5 straight songs that I could listen to on repeat.  They all have something in the lyrics that hit my heart in different ways.

One of those songs is called Ulysses.  The lyrics in this song really speak to how I've been feeling about Josh lately.  In my last post, I said that I overall have felt pretty good about how things ended between us.  To be completely honest, I haven't felt as sure about it the last couple of weeks.  I've been a wreck at times.  I can't even count on my fingers how many times I've shed tears while driving in my car, usually listening to Josh Garrels songs.  I've cried myself to sleep a couple of times.  I even found myself crying at the end of Cast Away tonight.  I never cry at movies.  Ever.

Don't worry, I'm not walking around moping all day.  But I will say that the smile you see on my face isn't always real.  I am usually pretty good at putting on a strong front when I'm around people. But by myself, it all comes out, lately in the form of tears.

I have some amazing women in my life who all have been stellar friends during this time.  They have taken time to get together with me one-on-one, kept me busy with fun things, and sent me gifts that make me laugh.  I am incredibly thankful for all of them, even if they aren't physically near me.  I deeply appreciate their support.  But to be honest, it doesn't bring Josh back.  There's still a hole in my heart that girlfriends or gifts can't fill.  A hole that is so incredibly gaping and obvious as I attend weddings, hear of more friends engaged, or see pictures of people having the time of their lives with a spouse and/or children.  I have a great time with my friends when I'm with them.  But I have never experienced so much happiness and fulfillment outside of being with Josh.  It felt different than any happiness I've had before, and I would do anything to have it back.

So, that's where I'm at.  I miss Josh more than I can explain.  I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions ranging from sadness to frustration to confusion.  Sad that I can't see or talk to him (or the girls) regularly.  Frustrated that I can't have my turn to experience what I long for so much.  Confused as to why it's happening this way.  And I don't really know what to do with that.

Sorry for being a bit of a downer.  But I want to be real with where I'm at.  I'm honestly not sitting around expecting Josh to come running back to me.  I know there's a big chance I have to move on with my life.  But that's going to take some time...and some desperate prayers to God to work in my heart.  I've prayed at times more fervently than ever before, desperate for God to heal my heart.  Feeling like this sucks and I know He's the only one that can do anything about it.  It doesn't feel like anything is working yet, but I have to keep praying.  Begging that if I'm not supposed to be with Josh someday, He would take these feelings away and help me move on.  And if Josh and I are supposed to be together again someday, I pray that I would find peace in the meantime.  No matter, I have to constantly remind myself that this all isn't happening because God doesn't love me.  It doesn't feel a whole lot like love right now, but I'm sure it will someday, somehow.

"Ulysses" by Josh Garrels

I’m holding on to hope that one day this could be made right. 
I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights. 
Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night 
But oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light. 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 
Until, I find, my love 

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown 
Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones 
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home 
Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 

So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home 
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone 
I want to hold, her in, my arms

Taking a Break from the Kenya Posts

So I kinda dropped the ball on my Kenya posts!  I promise I'll come back to finish up the rest of my trip.  Today I'm going to take a break with posting about Kenya.

A little over 2 weeks ago, Josh and I broke up.  I sort of sensed it coming because he seemed to pull away ever since I got back from Kenya.  His custody trial was the week after I got back (Thursday and Friday), so I just assumed he was stressed about that.  

The week of his custody trial came and went, and I didn't see him that entire week.  We talked on the phone a couple of times, but most of our communication was through a few texts throughout the week. I knew he was stressed, but something just didn't feel right.  I was trying to be supportive without smothering, but he wasn't really letting me in.  I wanted to respect the space I thought he was showing me he needed, but I was sad that he didn't want to let me comfort him.  Finally on Sunday, after not seeing him for a week and after his custody stuff was settled, I asked if I could see him.  He told me to come over in the evening because he wanted to spend the afternoon processing everything that had happened.  

On my way over to his house, I had this weird feeling that this was going to be it.  Something just didn't feel right...he wasn't the same Josh I had known for the past 4 months.  When I got there and he didn't hug me, I knew my gut feeling was right.  Despite that, he mixed us up some cocktails and we sat out on his porch for about 2 hours, just having normal conversation.  We made our way inside due to the bugs and that's when he finally brought up how he was feeling.  It basically came down to us being on different levels of emotion and commitment to the relationship.  That was something I knew and expected when I went into the relationship, figuring if he hadn't dated since being divorced, he probably wasn't going to jump into things quickly.  Because of this, I let him take the lead with various steps of our relationship - involving the girls, meeting and getting involved with family, etc.  He took all of those steps, and took them relatively early, so I allowed myself to open up my heart.  Those steps implied that he was feeling confident in our relationship and where it was headed, and therefore wanted to invest our time with those closest to him.  After our breakup, I found out he didn't have the feelings behind what those steps implied.  It really hurt to hear that.

Because I am someone who takes time to process things and because I felt a little blindsided, I didn't have very many coherent thoughts the night we broke up.  So I processed through how I was feeling and sent him an email the next night.  I wanted him to understand what the steps he took in our relationship told me and what they did to my heart.  He responded saying he was going to take some time to hear what I was saying and respond thoughtfully.  After a few days and no response from him, we both decided talking face to face was going to be much easier.  

About a week after we broke up, we got together to talk face to face.  I was hurt, but I wanted him to have a chance to explain himself more before I got too upset.  Our talk was so good.  He walked me through the thought processes he had when making decisions in our relationship (like how much to involve the kids) and why he decided what he did.  I learned that he is still operating in a mindset from when he was in an unhealthy marriage.  He thought I would've been upset if the girls weren't a part of our relationship and thought that's what I expected.  When he started feeling unsure and uneasy about how quickly our relationship was progressing, he got scared to say something because he's used to hard conversations turning into yelling and fighting.  In reality, we were on the same page the entire time but just didn't know it.  I told him repeatedly that I wished he had just said something.  I told him that I never expected the girls (or our families) to be a part of our relationship right away and was looking to him to decide when he was ready.  There were so many "should'ves" in our conversation and I said multiple times that I wish we had a redo button.  We simply did not communicate well - he out of fear and me out of wanting to give him space and not seem pushy.  Had we just had this conversation earlier in our relationship, things would've gone so much differently.  But it didn't and there's probably a good reason for it.

By the end of our talk, we felt a huge sense of relief and peace.  Both of us went into our talk feeling anxious but once we talked things through and understood each other better, we felt much better.  I realized through our talk that he has so much healing he needs to do still.  He still operates out of fear and insecurities, and he needs time to sort through all that and figure out who he is apart from his ex-wife.  As hard as it is to lose him, I know this is what he needs and I felt so much peace about just letting him go.  We could certainly feel God's presence in our conversation that night and we felt very comforted by Him.  We knew this was the right thing for now.  We ended our talk by holding hands and praying for each other.  I told him he needs space right now and he needs to decide what that looks like.  

Overall, I have continued to feel a huge peace about how things ended between Josh and I.  I know this is the right thing for the time being.  But I also have this weird sense that this isn't it between us.  Throughout our relationship, I felt like things were just so right between us.  I couldn't really explain it, but it just felt so perfect.  When it ended, I was devastated that he didn't feel the same way.  But after we talked, I was reminded that it wasn't something about me that caused the break up, it was the brokenness and hurt that Josh still has in his heart and mind.  He told me how much he cares about me...it was nice to hear that from him.  So when we ended our talk, I just had this sense that God was telling me, "let him go...this isn't the end."  I don't know how much weight to put into gut feelings though, so I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Josh to be ready.  It very well may be that my gut feeling is wrong and we may need to move on.  So in the time being, I'm going to go on with my life.  If another guy that I'm interested in comes along, I'll pursue that.  If Josh comes back, great.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep praying that God would work in my heart and mold it to whatever He has planned.

Despite my huge sense of peace, I've still had my hard days.  The first of those came last Sunday.  Pastor Chris did a sermon on Psalm 23 as a part of our summer Praying the Psalms series.  By the end of the sermon and into the closing worship, I was in tears.  It's a psalm that verbalizes what I've trusted in and believed in all week, thus giving me the confidence that this is the right thing.  But for some reason, it was hard that day.  I think some of it was mourning the loss of what Josh and I had, especially after feeling the lack of Josh's presence at various times over the weekend.  I think some of it was also the realization that even though God is with me through it all, it's not always going to be easy or feel good.  Being a Christ-follower sometimes means loss - and that hurts.  I think I had to mourn that.  I don't want the loss right now.  It hurts to lose someone you love.  (Yes, I said it...I love Josh.  I was always afraid to say it out loud, but I've known it for a while.)  But, I also realized that day that I have a choice to make.  I can choose to continue to mourn and let my heart grow bitter because of the loss, or I can choose to believe Psalm 23 is truth.  The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He guides me along the right paths.  His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.  I choose to believe this is a part of God's bigger and better plan.  It seems like what I had - what Josh and I had - was so right and so perfect.  But it turns out God has something more right and more perfect.  That's hard to comprehend.  But I can't wait to see what that is.  In the meantime, "He refreshes my soul."

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.