my life is on repeat.

Last week, I went to the Edwards' lake house in Okoboji, Iowa for some relaxation and sun. I know what you're thinking...a lake in Iowa?? But, believe me, it's a gorgeous lake! Anyway, on my way, I got a phone call from my school district to set up a meeting with the head HR director. They wanted to meet while I was going to be gone, so I set up the meeting for this morning.

I wasn't sure what this meeting was about, but I didn't really expect what happened. Leading up to today, I had an uneasy feeling about it (I hated the unknown!) and even had 2 bad dreams about it. Looking back, I now know why. I found out today that they eliminated my position and are letting me go. Yes, after telling me in June that I was being offered my position for next year. I'm guessing they just wanted to cover their bases just in case they were going to need extra help...it's much easier to fire people than to hire new people.

If I want to stay in the district, I have 2 options: 1) be put into the sub pool and attempt to get a long-term sub job aside from daily subbing, or 2) apply and (hopefully) interview for one of three literacy aide positions. Two of these positions travels between two or three different schools (Lincoln is one of them, I believe...at least it was last year) and one will permanently be at one school. A literacy aide basically works one-on-one or in small groups with students that struggle with reading or phonics.

I told the HR director that I hope to be a classroom teacher someday and asked his advice as to what route I should take. He told me that the literacy aide position would probably be better because it's a steadier position (and includes benefits) and shows that I would be dedicated to helping struggling students. However, a long-term sub job would be good to land as well because it would allow me to make connections in other schools (reference-wise) and it would give me good experience teaching in a classroom on my own. I told the HR director to put my name in for both of those options. Additionally, I spent about an hour today applying for openings in other districts (full-time classroom teaching and long-term subbing).

Part of me isn't surprised this ended up happening. I kind of felt like keeping my aide job for a second year was too good to be true. And, let's face it, this has become the pattern of my life in the "real-world."

I am beyond frustrated right now. I'm sure God is using all of these experiences to better me in some way (patience, perhaps??), but seriously, c'mon!!! I have such a passion for teaching and I feel like it's the only thing I want to do with my life...it's just about all I've ever wanted to do since 4th grade. Why can't I just do what I love???? Seriously, what normal person gets excited about school supplies at Target and could spend hours at the Learning Shop? I don't understand.

I want to believe that God faithful and things will work out. I go through this every summer...and something always ends up working out somehow. But, when am I ever going to catch a break?! Why do I have to suffer through this every single year? I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day. I get it God...You're in control. What else am I supposed to do? Am I being punished for something? Is my faith lacking? I feel like things can't be going well in my life for too long before God brings something crashing down. I know I don't have it as bad as many people in the world, but that's just how it feels right now.

I just wish I understood...

I have always had a hard time with finding motivation to do things that don't seem so fun. It's easy for me to think of things in my life that I want to change, but finding the motivation to work on changing them and sticking to it is hard. I can't imagine I'm the only one who struggles with this.

I've been thinking about some things that I'd ideally like to change...

1. Get into a regular workout routine.

Last summer, I was really good about running at least 3-5 times a week. Once school started, it was squelched pretty quickly. It is so hard to find the energy to go to the gym after work...I don't feel like I work any harder at Lincoln, but for some reason I feel absolutely exhausted after work each day. So, I'm hoping to get into a good routine...maybe bringing workout clothes with me and going straight from work to the gym.

2. Eat better.

Lately, I've been really unhappy with how my body has gotten. I am the heaviest I've ever been and it makes me feel disgusting. I try to make healthier choices, but it hasn't been a huge priority yet.

3. Make God a bigger priority.

The book that I'm reading with Angela has challenged me to make God a bigger priority in my life. One quote in the book really struck me..."don't try to build Me into your life anymore. Instead, build your life around Me." I want to know what that looks like. I want to figure out what that can be in my life.

4. Focus on loving others more than myself.

Recently, I've realized that I can be very selfish, especially when I'm with my family. I want to get into the habit of letting go of myself and being more loving to others.

I'm sure I'll be able to think of more, but this is a start. I'm hoping I'll be able to think of specific steps and things I can do daily to help me make these things a reality. Ask me about these things...I'm going to need accountability.

You would think that summer would make it easier to post, but I've been terrible about keeping this up-to-date!

Angela and I decided to start a little "book club" this summer that will hopefully continue after the summer. For this first round, we decided to read the same book and discuss it after each chunk we read. She and I have mentioned feeling a little spiritually dry and struggling in the same ways recently, so I felt like this would be a good step to take. It allows us to hold each other accountable to spending time with God as we read this book and hopefully learn something at the same time. The first book we're reading is called When God Writes Your Love Story, which is obviously about relationships. We've only read the first few chapters, but so far it's really good. I feel like this is something I need to focus on right now...making God first and not worrying about relationships...or lack thereof. Yesterday marked the beginning of the crazy amount of weddings I'm going to this summer. It was an exciting wedding, but weddings are hard. It's just another reminder that I'm single. I see how happy the couple is and it just makes my heart literally hurt that I haven't experienced that yet. But this book is going to be good...I think it'll help keep me in perspective and encourage my heart.

Speaking of relationships (sort of), I had to decide who I wanted to invite as my date to my brother's wedding. When Mike and I were seeing each other, we talked a couple of times about going together. Since then, things have obviously changed and I wasn't sure if he was still wanting/willing to go (as friends, of course). I thought it would still be fun to take him because we have a lot of fun together and I'm determined to not go to my brother's wedding alone. So, I decided to ask him about it...except he's been spending a lot of time with Katie lately and I didn't want him going to my brother's wedding to cause drama. I already feel like Katie doesn't really like me or doesn't like that Mike and I are friends, and I didn't need to give her more reason to be mad. So I asked Mike if he still wanted to go, but I told him that if there's anything between him and Katie, I didn't want him going to the wedding to be a problem. His response was that he was going to ask her about it. At first I was going to let him, but after thinking about it and talking to a couple friends about it, I didn't feel right. I ended up telling him that if he's that involved with Katie and had to ask her permission to go, he probably shouldn't be going with me. He agreed. It was kind of a hard conversation to have. Part of me felt a little hurt because he's basically choosing someone else over me...the "other girl" won. And it's not that I even want to date him anymore....but as a girl, it's hard to let someone go like that and realize that he doesn't like you anymore. I'm especially frustrated because he told me he wasn't in a place to date anyone...but now he's seeing someone to the point where he has to ask her if he can hang out with me. I feel lied to. I feel like he's either afraid of commitment or he just didn't like me enough to pursue a relationship with me but he likes Katie enough to. All the more reason why I need to keep reading this book! Thank goodness for good girl friends...I'm taking Angela to my brother's wedding...way more fun than any stupid boy!!!

On one last note, my trip to Colorado with Jennifer is no longer. The cabin we were going to stay in isn't available in August, so we can't go. :( Sad day. I was looking forward to that trip...my one and only real vacation of the summer. But, maybe we can do it another time. I will conquer that mountain sometime in my life! :)

Well, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted...sorry! A lot has happened!

Right before school ended, I found out that my position at Lincoln Elementary as a teacher's assistant is available for next year! I didn't think it would be available because kindergarten enrollment is going down next year (at the end of the year, it was at about 22-23/class vs. 26/class last year) and there already is a 1st grade assistant teacher. But, the first grade classes are going to be at about 25-26/class (maybe higher if we get new kids before school starts, which is a possibility), with a few pretty needy kiddos. I haven't been assigned a grade level yet, but I think I'm going to move up to 1st grade with the kiddos from last year because of the needs and numbers. Then we'd probably just have one assistant per class. I still would like to have my own classroom someday, but after seeing how few openings there are and after 482 teachers from MPS were laid off and are now looking for jobs, I'm happy to stay in my position and have a job at all.

I also was able to snag a summer school position right before school ended. I was originally looking into helping out with special education this summer, but after some persuasion by me and a coworker, I was able to get a job assisting one of my Lincoln coworkers with her summer art classes. So basically, I show up for 4 hours a day and help kids paint. Not a bad gig! :)

In other news, I went to Madison last weekend and spent some time with Jennifer. It had been so long since we'd seen each other...I missed her! Anyway, we were catching up at Starbucks and she told me about how she wants to hike Longs Peak in Colorado before she turns 30 (at the end of August). After some discussing, we decided to do it together! The details aren't totally worked out, but we're tentatively thinking about going the week of August 8. Jennifer's family has cabins out there, so all we'd have to worry about is gas to drive out there, food, and anything extra we'd want to do. We would go out there and do a couple shorter hikes to get our bodies used to the elevation change and then we'd do Longs Peak in the middle of the week. The Longs Peak trail is about 7.5 miles one way and you have to start at 3 am to be off the mountain before the afternoon thunderstorms come. It sounds super intense, but exciting!

Kindergartenism #54:

Isabel: "We're having a Miley Cyrus singing competition."

Kelsey: "I'm really good at singing Miley Cyrus. I sound just like her. I can change my voice."

This isn't a kindergartenism, but it was something funny that my 4 year-old cousin Ainsley said last weekend:

Ainsley: "Naomi needs new pants."

Me: "Why?"

Ainsley: "Because she's a cranky pants!"

I'm feeling really defeated right now. I just received an email from the guy in charge of summer school telling me that there aren't any more openings for summer school. On Wednesday, we had a staff meeting and someone asked about whether they will be making another 1st grade class next year and my principal said it wasn't looking likely because we're losing 3-4 kids over the summer. I'm lucky to be able to apply to 1 teaching opening a week for next year.

This is how each summer has been the last 3 years, and yet I still feel anxious about job stuff. I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer on top of not knowing what I'm going to be doing in the fall. And, I need to be looking for apartments in order to possibly move out by the end of the summer. There are just so many unknowns and yet I need to be making decisions despite not knowing what I'll be doing. I have to have faith that God will make everything work out, but I'm not going to lie, it's hard to truly believe that sometimes.

Kindergartenism #52:

Grant: "It's hard for me to write with my right hand and it's hard for Aidan (his twin brother) to write with his left hand."

Me: "Grant, I just realized like a week ago that you are a leftie and Aidan is a rightie."

Kelsey: "I'm a bothie...I can do things with both of my hands."

Me: "Do you want to learn what that's called and impress your mom and dad? It's called being ambidextrous."

Kelsey: "Can you write that down? Sometimes it's hard for me to remember things. My brain is so big that sometimes things get lost in there. One time, I was at daycare and it was so windy that what I was trying to remember flew out of my head."

Kindergartenism #53:

We've been talking to the kiddos about ways to be safe. Yesterday, we talked about saying no to strangers, and we defined a stranger as anyone you don't know.

Ashton: "I know everyone."

So I applied in late February to work summer school in my district. At the end of April, we got a district-wide email that said they were working on summer school hiring and would be sending out contracts within the next few weeks. It also had an attachment that listed everyone in the district who applied for summer school. I checked, and I, as well as all of my information, was on the list. I waited and waited, and by the second week of May, I still hadn't heard anything about being officially hired. I emailed the guy in charge, asking when I could expect some information, and he replied by telling me I wasn't on the list. Since then, I've been waiting for him to get his act together and tell me if I will be teaching or not. I emailed him and told him I need to know ASAP so I can figure out my summer employment, but I still haven't heard anything from him in about a week. I'm very frustrated with the whole situation. Apparently, things have been very disorganized with summer school since he took over. If I can't teach summer school in the district, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm sure most districts are done hiring for summer school by now and I don't know what places would be looking to hire for only 2 months or so. Just another unknown to add to my life.

Kindergartenism #48:
Oscar: "It's going to be in the 80s today! And then it's going to rain the rest of the week. And then it's going to be 28 on Friday!"
Me: "28?! That's winter weather!"
Oscar: "Yep, 28."

Kindergartenism #49:
Ricki (a girl): "It's so hot! I wish I could take my shirt off. But girls have private parts under their shirts. They have belly buttons."

Kindergartenism #50:
Bella (while reading a book she wrote about her friends): "Kelsey...She is the bestest kid in the class. She always listens. She always tells me what to do...but I still like her anyway."

Kindergartenism #51:
Nora: "My dad hurt his back this weekend."
Me: "Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that. How did it happen?"
Nora: "He was riding his bike with his friend Derek. He fell off and hit his back."
Me: "Ouch I bet that hurt."
Nora: "Yeah, he broke a rib too. I have a real stethoscope at home, so I can check on him and make sure he's okay."

I have decided to make a summer to-do list. This summer will be the first summer in 7 years that I will be in Milwaukee and I realized that, despite growing up here for many years, there are many things I haven't done here. On Friday, I crossed the first thing off my list!

#1: Go on the Lakefront Brewery tour. May 21, 2010

This was probably the best $7 I've ever spent! You get 24 oz. of beer (4 6 oz. samples), an entertaining tour, and a free glass at the end! It was really fun and we plan on going many more times this summer!