Taking my life off pause

I have been avoiding things lately. My job future is uncertain. There are many things about me that need changing or working on. Instead of being proactive and doing something about the things I'm not happy with or stressed about, I shut my thoughts and emotions off. I keep myself busy so I "don't have time or energy" to work on things. Or when I'm not busy, I become a lazy blob with no motivation to do anything. I'm not quite sure why I shut myself off sometimes. I think it's because I get overwhelmed with whatever is going on or whatever I'm feeling. It's easier to shut down and just be than to deal with life. But where is that going to get me? Not very far.

I'm stressed (once again) about job stuff. This year with everything going on politically, I feel like (and have been pretty much told) my chances of finding a teaching job are next to nothing. But I have a God that can do anything and only wants the best for me...yet I'm not putting my faith in Him. I'm not living out what I say I believe. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. And then when I think about how I've messed up (and keep messing up), I feel like God won't bless me. I let Satan get in my head and let me believe God is disappointed in me. Which then leads me to not spend any time with Him because I'm ashamed for letting Him down. It's so stupid. I know in my head it's all not true, but I don't let my heart believe it. It's been a common problem for me. I hate feeling like I don't deserve anything. I see people around me getting into relationships, getting married, or getting their dream job and I think to myself that I don't deserve that. I haven't been putting God first in my life and I'm constantly messing up - why would He bless me and give me the things I long for? But that's what is so mind-blowing...He doesn't hold anything against us. It's hard for me to live like I believe that though.

I don't know why I let my head get in the way of my heart. It is something that is so hard for me. I know I can't do things on my own - yet I continue to try. I know I need to lean on God for support - yet I still find support elsewhere. It's going to take a lot to change the way I think and see things. But I'm ready to try. I'm tired of living my life on pause. I want to press play and change some of the things I know need changing. I'm tired of living like a hypocrite, saying I believe one thing, but living like I believe another. I don't want to turn my mind and emotions off. I want to experience the freedom and grace I have in Christ.