Life has been pretty busy lately, so I haven't been very good about blogging. Now that school is out and I won't be working this summer, hopefully I will be better at keeping you guys updated.
Things with Josh are going wonderfully. He is an amazing man. The amount of communication and openness in our relationship has been much more than I'm used to, but I love and appreciate it. Josh is going through a tough custody battle right now and has been put through the ringer in attempts to keep his kids and get more time with them. I feel so badly for all that he's been and is going through. This has definitely made our relationship go to a different level right away. Although there's not much I can physically do to help him, it has caused me to think about how I can be supportive of him and help him through this time. It has definitely made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm really an adult now." I've never experienced divorce from this side of things, and I don't have any experience with the court system. I'm definitely learning a lot. It really sucks and I'm praying for a positive outcome when it's all said and done in July.
One thing that I'm learning about myself through my relationship with Josh is that I have a lot of fears. I've been in some not-so-healthy relationships in the past, which contribute to these fears. Recently, I've been finding myself having slight freak-out moments where I start to worry that Josh is pulling away or that he will say he's not interested in me anymore. In my past relationships, the guys have always been the ones to end things between us, oftentimes out of nowhere. Even in my longest relationship of over a year where I thought I was going to marry the guy, he ended things. I am absolutely terrified of that happening with Josh. I care about Josh a lot and can without a doubt see a future with him. He is so much of what I want and need in a partner, and then some. I'm terrified of losing that. If Josh is stressed and seems a little more distant (I still can't figure out if it's just me thinking he's being distant or if he really is), I start to worry. I've experienced these slight freak-outs in past relationships, but this time it's causing me to think about how I can curb them before they fester. I'm trying to use them as an opportunity to just pray and lay it all at God's feet. He ultimately has my future in His hands, and whether Josh is in it or not, He knows what's best for me. This is hard for me to believe at times, but I've definitely seen how God's plan is always the best, which is a good reminder. Josh has also gone through a lot of heartache with his divorce and we talked the other day about some of the fears he has with getting married again someday. I'm hoping we can lean on each other to help us through the fears we both have, rather than letting them bother us.
In other news, I'm going to Kenya in a week!! I will definitely write some posts about my trip when I get back!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Blown Away by Grace
It turns out patience pays off. In my last post, I wrote about how I was trying to be patient with things with Josh. A few days after I wrote that post, Josh and I went out on another date. At the end of the date, I went to his place to hang out and we ended up having the "DTR" talk. More on that in a minute.
Rewind a few days. I had gone to the zoo with him and his girls about a week before and that outing left me very confused about what we were. We had gone out a couple of times but he hadn't shown any outward interest, and then all of a sudden I was meeting his kids. Well, it turns out that day was a "test" - a test to see how I fit in and how the girls acted around me and thought of me. It could not have gone better. The day felt fun and comfortable and he told me his girls (especially his youngest who is pretty shy around new people) were completely themselves around me. It was also a pivotal day for me as well, which I didn't realize until afterwards. Meeting his kids that he talked about so much and seeing him in "dad" mode calmed a lot of my fears and hesitations. He's a great dad and I can see a lot of his amazing character when he's with his kids. The fact that the day felt so comfortable and fun also made me realize that I want a family and am ready for a family...and I need to break down any expectations of how that might play out.
Okay...fast forward to the DTR date. Josh told me that he invited me to meet his kids because they are his life and if he's with someone, it's important that she fit who they are as a family and that his kids are comfortable with her. He said he saw a side of his youngest daughter at the zoo that only comes out when she's with family (never with people she doesn't know) and then on the drive home, she asked when I was coming back. He said that day was so important for him and it confirmed that he wants to pursue a relationship with me. I told him all about how I was hesitant at first about the fact that he has kids but how those fears were calmed after I met them at the zoo. We talked into the wee hours of the morning (on a school night...oops!) and it was like a wall just crumbled between us. As soon as we brought it all out in the open, there was no question anymore of how we each felt.
The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of late nights, hours of getting to know each other on a deeper level, and fun times with friends, family, and the girls. It has been the best 3 weeks and things only keep getting better the more we get to know each other and the more the girls and I get to know each other. I never want time with him to end.
In the last week or so, we've had the difficult but good talk about everything that happened in his divorce, struggles he's had in the past, and struggles I've had in the past. If I hadn't already thought things just felt right between us, I certainly did after that conversation. I'm just continually blown away at God's grace and perfect timing in each of our lives. We would not have been good for each other even a year ago. And not only that, but it is amazing how God is using things we've each struggled with to bring us closer to each other and relate to each other. Darkness in my past is now turning out to be something God is using to bring life to our relationship. I have no words for how amazed I am at how God works.
For so long, I didn't believe that there were any decent men out there that met my expectations and I didn't trust that God could provide the kind of man I truly longed for. I kept hearing people tell me to be patient, that patience pays off in the end, and that God will provide in the way He sees is good for me and that it will be better than anything I can imagine. Every time I heard something like that, I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, I know." I never really believed it to be true...until now.
Rewind a few days. I had gone to the zoo with him and his girls about a week before and that outing left me very confused about what we were. We had gone out a couple of times but he hadn't shown any outward interest, and then all of a sudden I was meeting his kids. Well, it turns out that day was a "test" - a test to see how I fit in and how the girls acted around me and thought of me. It could not have gone better. The day felt fun and comfortable and he told me his girls (especially his youngest who is pretty shy around new people) were completely themselves around me. It was also a pivotal day for me as well, which I didn't realize until afterwards. Meeting his kids that he talked about so much and seeing him in "dad" mode calmed a lot of my fears and hesitations. He's a great dad and I can see a lot of his amazing character when he's with his kids. The fact that the day felt so comfortable and fun also made me realize that I want a family and am ready for a family...and I need to break down any expectations of how that might play out.
Okay...fast forward to the DTR date. Josh told me that he invited me to meet his kids because they are his life and if he's with someone, it's important that she fit who they are as a family and that his kids are comfortable with her. He said he saw a side of his youngest daughter at the zoo that only comes out when she's with family (never with people she doesn't know) and then on the drive home, she asked when I was coming back. He said that day was so important for him and it confirmed that he wants to pursue a relationship with me. I told him all about how I was hesitant at first about the fact that he has kids but how those fears were calmed after I met them at the zoo. We talked into the wee hours of the morning (on a school night...oops!) and it was like a wall just crumbled between us. As soon as we brought it all out in the open, there was no question anymore of how we each felt.
The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of late nights, hours of getting to know each other on a deeper level, and fun times with friends, family, and the girls. It has been the best 3 weeks and things only keep getting better the more we get to know each other and the more the girls and I get to know each other. I never want time with him to end.
In the last week or so, we've had the difficult but good talk about everything that happened in his divorce, struggles he's had in the past, and struggles I've had in the past. If I hadn't already thought things just felt right between us, I certainly did after that conversation. I'm just continually blown away at God's grace and perfect timing in each of our lives. We would not have been good for each other even a year ago. And not only that, but it is amazing how God is using things we've each struggled with to bring us closer to each other and relate to each other. Darkness in my past is now turning out to be something God is using to bring life to our relationship. I have no words for how amazed I am at how God works.
For so long, I didn't believe that there were any decent men out there that met my expectations and I didn't trust that God could provide the kind of man I truly longed for. I kept hearing people tell me to be patient, that patience pays off in the end, and that God will provide in the way He sees is good for me and that it will be better than anything I can imagine. Every time I heard something like that, I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, I know." I never really believed it to be true...until now.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
A Lesson in Patience and Trust
As most of you know, I met a guy through a friend from church about 2 months ago. We've been going out on casual dates and have spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Here's a little backstory to refresh your memory...
In January, I got a phone call from my friend Rachel who told me she wanted to set me up with her friend Josh. When I hear that phrase, I immediately think "no way", which is weird because people have never actually gone through with the set-ups, so I don't have any bad experiences to cause me to say no. Anyway, to be polite, I said I was willing to meet him. I then asked her to tell me about him. She said he's 34, a graphic designer, runs the sound board at church (all sounded good so far...)...and he is divorced with 2 kids. I already wasn't super thrilled with the idea, but now I find out he has kids?? No way...I'm not there in my life yet...not doing it. I want kids someday, but the thought of dating a guy that already had kids was weird to me, and for some reason caused me to shut out the idea of anything working out. Rachel is also divorced with a kid, so I didn't express my slight freak-out to her out loud, and again to be polite, I said sure. A couple of days later, Rachel called me back and said that instead of setting up a blind date, she was going to invite both of us to her birthday party to meet in a more casual environment. I felt much better about that idea, but still wasn't expecting anything.
I went to the birthday party, and after many attempts at introducing us (Rachel said she wasn't going to tell Josh she was wanting to set us up), we finally met. He was cute and seemed really...normal. We ended up sitting on the couch and talking for about 2 hours. I walked away from the party feeling a little ashamed that I had shut him out in my mind when Rachel first told me about him. This guy actually seemed pretty great...who was I to judge him based on his circumstances? I decided that I needed to get to know him and his story before making any conclusions.
Since February, we've gone out on a couple of dates, gone to church, and have spent many hours chatting on the phone and Facebook. The more I learn about Josh, the more I feel badly for the way I reacted when Rachel told me about him. I realized that I don't feel as old as I am, and that I need to grow up and realize I'm an adult and this is real life. Now that I'm closing in on my 30s, I've realized we all have a past and baggage from that past, but that doesn't necessarily define who we are now. While I still don't know the whole story of his divorce, I've learned bits and pieces of what happened and have spent some time getting to know his character. I've realized that divorce doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with someone, and coming from a divorced family I've actually been able to relate to him in that area. I get it. He's someone who has learned from his past, can see the good God brings out of the darkness, and has strived to be the best dad to his kids. Something that I immediately thought was a flaw has now become something that makes me respect him all the more.
Because of his past and the fact that he has kids, Josh has taken things very slowly. I often jumped into relationships with guys that I knew were wrong for me, and were ultimately guys that liked to jump into things quickly. I learned to like that because it meant there wasn't really a question of whether they liked me. I also have realized that I like to try to take control of situations in order to ensure things happen. In past relationships, if I hadn't heard from the guy in the amount of time acceptable to me, I would find excuses to send texts, messages, or phone calls to make sure he hadn't forgotten about me. I jumped in wholeheartedly with these guys because I feared they wouldn't like me otherwise. I handled relationships horribly and it's no wonder I found my heart bruised and broken.
Things with Josh have been on a completely different level. Because kids are involved, he has taken things pretty slowly...a lot slower than I'm used to. While that has been hard at times, I'm learning a good lesson in patience. And I'm actually finding it quite refreshing to take it at a slower pace. I'm getting to know Josh really well, and that is driving my decision for whether I am interested in him or not, rather than just physical attraction being the driving force. I am attracted to him, but a physical relationship isn't the foundation. In the past, I was afraid to let things happen in God's timing. I felt like I had to take control for things to happen. I'm not completely sitting back and expecting everything to happen to me, but I'm not trying to force things to move quicker. I respect that Josh is taking things slowly. I still find myself dreaming about what could be, but being patient makes all the little things Josh does to initiate all that much more exciting. Rather than worrying about if he's interested in me despite not holding my hand or calling me all the time, I'm enjoying the times we have together and trusting that God's timing and plan are perfect. :)
In January, I got a phone call from my friend Rachel who told me she wanted to set me up with her friend Josh. When I hear that phrase, I immediately think "no way", which is weird because people have never actually gone through with the set-ups, so I don't have any bad experiences to cause me to say no. Anyway, to be polite, I said I was willing to meet him. I then asked her to tell me about him. She said he's 34, a graphic designer, runs the sound board at church (all sounded good so far...)...and he is divorced with 2 kids. I already wasn't super thrilled with the idea, but now I find out he has kids?? No way...I'm not there in my life yet...not doing it. I want kids someday, but the thought of dating a guy that already had kids was weird to me, and for some reason caused me to shut out the idea of anything working out. Rachel is also divorced with a kid, so I didn't express my slight freak-out to her out loud, and again to be polite, I said sure. A couple of days later, Rachel called me back and said that instead of setting up a blind date, she was going to invite both of us to her birthday party to meet in a more casual environment. I felt much better about that idea, but still wasn't expecting anything.
I went to the birthday party, and after many attempts at introducing us (Rachel said she wasn't going to tell Josh she was wanting to set us up), we finally met. He was cute and seemed really...normal. We ended up sitting on the couch and talking for about 2 hours. I walked away from the party feeling a little ashamed that I had shut him out in my mind when Rachel first told me about him. This guy actually seemed pretty great...who was I to judge him based on his circumstances? I decided that I needed to get to know him and his story before making any conclusions.
Since February, we've gone out on a couple of dates, gone to church, and have spent many hours chatting on the phone and Facebook. The more I learn about Josh, the more I feel badly for the way I reacted when Rachel told me about him. I realized that I don't feel as old as I am, and that I need to grow up and realize I'm an adult and this is real life. Now that I'm closing in on my 30s, I've realized we all have a past and baggage from that past, but that doesn't necessarily define who we are now. While I still don't know the whole story of his divorce, I've learned bits and pieces of what happened and have spent some time getting to know his character. I've realized that divorce doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with someone, and coming from a divorced family I've actually been able to relate to him in that area. I get it. He's someone who has learned from his past, can see the good God brings out of the darkness, and has strived to be the best dad to his kids. Something that I immediately thought was a flaw has now become something that makes me respect him all the more.
Because of his past and the fact that he has kids, Josh has taken things very slowly. I often jumped into relationships with guys that I knew were wrong for me, and were ultimately guys that liked to jump into things quickly. I learned to like that because it meant there wasn't really a question of whether they liked me. I also have realized that I like to try to take control of situations in order to ensure things happen. In past relationships, if I hadn't heard from the guy in the amount of time acceptable to me, I would find excuses to send texts, messages, or phone calls to make sure he hadn't forgotten about me. I jumped in wholeheartedly with these guys because I feared they wouldn't like me otherwise. I handled relationships horribly and it's no wonder I found my heart bruised and broken.
Things with Josh have been on a completely different level. Because kids are involved, he has taken things pretty slowly...a lot slower than I'm used to. While that has been hard at times, I'm learning a good lesson in patience. And I'm actually finding it quite refreshing to take it at a slower pace. I'm getting to know Josh really well, and that is driving my decision for whether I am interested in him or not, rather than just physical attraction being the driving force. I am attracted to him, but a physical relationship isn't the foundation. In the past, I was afraid to let things happen in God's timing. I felt like I had to take control for things to happen. I'm not completely sitting back and expecting everything to happen to me, but I'm not trying to force things to move quicker. I respect that Josh is taking things slowly. I still find myself dreaming about what could be, but being patient makes all the little things Josh does to initiate all that much more exciting. Rather than worrying about if he's interested in me despite not holding my hand or calling me all the time, I'm enjoying the times we have together and trusting that God's timing and plan are perfect. :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Stronger
One thing I wanted to get back into this year was working out on a regular basis. It's one of those things that I know I should be doing, but have never really been super excited about it. I feel a little lost when I walk into a gym and end up just hopping on a bike or elliptical and going until the "calories burned" is an acceptable amount. And then I go home and undo it all by eating M&Ms. :P
So, at the end of January, I joined one of the local gyms in Waunakee. As part of signing up, each new member gets a complimentary training session with one of the personal trainers. I signed up for my session and thought nothing more of it.
I showed up to my training session not really knowing what to expect. I met the trainer, Michael, who was nothing like Bob or Jillian on The Biggest Loser. The workout was really hard and the entire time, I kept thinking I hated every minute of it. Afterwards (well, the next day), I met with the "head trainer" and we talked through why I joined the gym, what goals I have for myself, and the reality of achieving those goals based on my current lifestyle. It was very informative. I never really thought I had a horribly unhealthy lifestyle (I didn't), but I quickly learned there were a couple things I could change to make a big difference (eating a bigger breakfast, eating little snacks more often to keep my metabolism going, etc.). When it came to the part where I had to decide if I wanted to sign up for personal training, I had a hard time deciding (if you know me at all, you know this isn't a surprise :P). It was expensive and I hated the workout the day before, but something inside of me liked the idea of investing in myself and the thought of someone helping me attain my goals that I felt like were not realistic on my own. In the end, I decided to go for it. I've never really invested in myself before...29 seemed like a good year to start. :)
I've been working with my trainer for a month now. In the beginning, he had me run a mile, do sit ups for a minute, and do push ups for a minute. Now that it's been a month, we did it again to see how far I've come. I expected a little improvement, but I didn't expect the results I got. I ran the mile almost a minute and a half faster (11:40 to 10:19), did 7 more sit ups, and did 15 more push ups. And, I lost 4 lbs (1 lb/week which is what we're shooting for), which we discovered after measuring body fat percentage, was all fat.
I don't have a lot of weight to lose, but one of my goals was to "tone up", which in reality is losing weight. While that goal is being worked on, I'm learning a lot more about myself through this. At church, Pastor Chris talked about how effort put forth = results gained. Little effort (in this case, he was referring to reading the Bible) results in little change. Especially when life gets hard or busy, I put in little effort into things. I kind of shut down and do the minimum to get by because it's tiring to think of doing more. But, this program at my gym meant that I not only was going to have to work out regularly, I was going to have to make changes to my diet and schedule...and someone was going to hold me accountable. I've learned that I can actually do it...and it's not that hard! The thought of getting up 30 minutes earlier to actually cook and eat breakfast, versus just eating a granola bar in the car, was a horrendous thought...until I did it. Getting up earlier and actually eating a good breakfast gives me so much more energy during the day, therefore making it easier to do each day!
Probably the biggest thing for me has been my perception of myself through all of this. I remember blogging about this a few years ago (read here), but I've never considered myself athletic. I've let other people tell me things that are ultimately untrue, but I've believed them and as a result, haven't ever let myself take the risk of trying to change that. I believed these lies way back in middle school, which led me to never join a sport in high school, and to see myself as a sub-par frisbee player. Early last fall, a few of us biked to New Glarus (about 20 miles one way) for a friend's birthday. I love biking and was told the pace would be "no one left behind", so I thought I'd be able to survive it. Well, 10 miles in, I found myself left behind by my friends. When they took a break and I finally caught up, they'd take off again, leaving me in the dust. I somehow made it to New Glarus, but I felt horrible. Not only did my knees hurt more than they've ever hurt before, but my confidence was shaken and I felt horrible about myself. It brought up so many feelings and thoughts I had grown up telling myself were true. I wanted to just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry. But this training program has done wonders for my mind and confidence. Having someone tell you regularly that you're "rocking" all of the exercises given to you (which is partially his job, but I've seen him train other people, and he doesn't tell them that all the time) is encouraging. I've even had people at the gym watch me while I'm training with Michael and they've said things like "Oh my gosh, if I tried that, I'd fall flat on my face!" or (from another trainer) "That's hardcore, man!" They're talking about me! I've never impressed anyone with something I can do...ever. I've always felt like I was always a step behind other people...not fast enough, not strong enough, etc. And now that I'm able to compare how I did exercises a month ago (more like struggle through them) to how I can do them now and feel strong when I do them, it only boosts my confidence more. This seriously is probably one of the best things I could've done for myself...and I'm never looking back.
For the first time in my entire 29 years on this earth, I can say that I am strong, confident, and athletic. And this is only after 1 month of this program...I can't wait to see what 6 months will bring. :)
So, at the end of January, I joined one of the local gyms in Waunakee. As part of signing up, each new member gets a complimentary training session with one of the personal trainers. I signed up for my session and thought nothing more of it.
I showed up to my training session not really knowing what to expect. I met the trainer, Michael, who was nothing like Bob or Jillian on The Biggest Loser. The workout was really hard and the entire time, I kept thinking I hated every minute of it. Afterwards (well, the next day), I met with the "head trainer" and we talked through why I joined the gym, what goals I have for myself, and the reality of achieving those goals based on my current lifestyle. It was very informative. I never really thought I had a horribly unhealthy lifestyle (I didn't), but I quickly learned there were a couple things I could change to make a big difference (eating a bigger breakfast, eating little snacks more often to keep my metabolism going, etc.). When it came to the part where I had to decide if I wanted to sign up for personal training, I had a hard time deciding (if you know me at all, you know this isn't a surprise :P). It was expensive and I hated the workout the day before, but something inside of me liked the idea of investing in myself and the thought of someone helping me attain my goals that I felt like were not realistic on my own. In the end, I decided to go for it. I've never really invested in myself before...29 seemed like a good year to start. :)
I've been working with my trainer for a month now. In the beginning, he had me run a mile, do sit ups for a minute, and do push ups for a minute. Now that it's been a month, we did it again to see how far I've come. I expected a little improvement, but I didn't expect the results I got. I ran the mile almost a minute and a half faster (11:40 to 10:19), did 7 more sit ups, and did 15 more push ups. And, I lost 4 lbs (1 lb/week which is what we're shooting for), which we discovered after measuring body fat percentage, was all fat.
I don't have a lot of weight to lose, but one of my goals was to "tone up", which in reality is losing weight. While that goal is being worked on, I'm learning a lot more about myself through this. At church, Pastor Chris talked about how effort put forth = results gained. Little effort (in this case, he was referring to reading the Bible) results in little change. Especially when life gets hard or busy, I put in little effort into things. I kind of shut down and do the minimum to get by because it's tiring to think of doing more. But, this program at my gym meant that I not only was going to have to work out regularly, I was going to have to make changes to my diet and schedule...and someone was going to hold me accountable. I've learned that I can actually do it...and it's not that hard! The thought of getting up 30 minutes earlier to actually cook and eat breakfast, versus just eating a granola bar in the car, was a horrendous thought...until I did it. Getting up earlier and actually eating a good breakfast gives me so much more energy during the day, therefore making it easier to do each day!
Probably the biggest thing for me has been my perception of myself through all of this. I remember blogging about this a few years ago (read here), but I've never considered myself athletic. I've let other people tell me things that are ultimately untrue, but I've believed them and as a result, haven't ever let myself take the risk of trying to change that. I believed these lies way back in middle school, which led me to never join a sport in high school, and to see myself as a sub-par frisbee player. Early last fall, a few of us biked to New Glarus (about 20 miles one way) for a friend's birthday. I love biking and was told the pace would be "no one left behind", so I thought I'd be able to survive it. Well, 10 miles in, I found myself left behind by my friends. When they took a break and I finally caught up, they'd take off again, leaving me in the dust. I somehow made it to New Glarus, but I felt horrible. Not only did my knees hurt more than they've ever hurt before, but my confidence was shaken and I felt horrible about myself. It brought up so many feelings and thoughts I had grown up telling myself were true. I wanted to just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry. But this training program has done wonders for my mind and confidence. Having someone tell you regularly that you're "rocking" all of the exercises given to you (which is partially his job, but I've seen him train other people, and he doesn't tell them that all the time) is encouraging. I've even had people at the gym watch me while I'm training with Michael and they've said things like "Oh my gosh, if I tried that, I'd fall flat on my face!" or (from another trainer) "That's hardcore, man!" They're talking about me! I've never impressed anyone with something I can do...ever. I've always felt like I was always a step behind other people...not fast enough, not strong enough, etc. And now that I'm able to compare how I did exercises a month ago (more like struggle through them) to how I can do them now and feel strong when I do them, it only boosts my confidence more. This seriously is probably one of the best things I could've done for myself...and I'm never looking back.
For the first time in my entire 29 years on this earth, I can say that I am strong, confident, and athletic. And this is only after 1 month of this program...I can't wait to see what 6 months will bring. :)
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013: A Year of ?
Another year has come and gone. 2012 was one of the hardest years I've had in a while.
- I said goodbye to a guy that I was completely convinced I was going to be with for a very long time.
- I had emotionally draining, stressful roommate drama that even went so far as to involve the cops.
- I lost my job at a school I felt like was home and had to say goodbye to amazing coworkers that became good friends and a great community.
- I endured the job search once again.
- My great aunt passed away, which was the first close family member death in 15 years.
I honestly don't think I've cried so much in a year as I did in 2012. Many of those hard things above not only made me cry, but they made me ugly cry. Oy. Guess I'm not totally dead inside.
But, with those tough things came some great things. In fact, most of those hard things happened within the first half of 2012. The second half brought some awesome things.
- I co-captained a frisbee team and had a blast making losing fun.
- I grew closer to an awesome group of girls who I can laugh with, be spontaneous with, but also be real with and find support in.
- My niece Emily was born :)
- I found a new job doing what I love.
- I found a new (normal!) roommate that I get along with.
- I've continued to keep in touch and spend time with some close friends from my last school, which have included dinner dates, girls' movie nights, pool floating, a Badger game, and a Halloween party.
I love the New Year. I love reflecting upon the previous year, the good and the bad, and feeling the motivation to work on new goals. I went back and read the goals I made for 2012. I stuck to them okay, but I think I want to keep some of them (for a form of some of them) to hopefully continue to make them habits, not just goals to be accomplished once in a year. For 2012, I wanted to:
1. Have a NOR (Night of Reflection) once a week. - I stuck to this pretty well for a good portion of the year, but I've kinda fallen away from it recently.
2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self help" book a month. - This is a lofty goal considering I'm not a huge reader during the school year. I'd like to keep the goal of always reading at least 1 devotional-type book, but I'm not going to put a time limit on it.
3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week. - Again, I didn't really stick to this timeline, but I'd like to continue blogging on a somewhat regular basis to give myself time to stop and process life, as well as share it with those closest to me.
4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012. - I stuck to this pretty well (I read 75%!), despite having to skip a few sections due to falling behind. The goal of this for Blackhawk was to make Bible reading a habit, not necessarily just reading through the Bible in a year. I feel like that goal was accomplished in me. I have made the time I get ready in the morning when I listen to the Bible passage for the day, and I enjoy reading on lazy weekend mornings. In 2013, I'd like to use the other plans on my Bible app to keep me in the Word daily.
The one goal I'm adding to 2013 is to work on finding/learning what my strengths are and figuring out how to use those to serve others. For Kenya, we had to take a spiritual gifts assessment, which was interesting. When I think of my strengths, I usually only can say I'm a good teacher. So, it was interesting to see what other things this assessment said I was good at. I'm also currently reading a book called You're Already Amazing, which helps women find their strengths, realize they are made exactly the way God wants, and live in a way that uses those strengths. Like I said before, I usually just see teaching as my strength. But, to be honest, the last thing I want to do on a Sunday is volunteer with/teach kids. That's what I do all week! I feel like it would just burn me out. So, this year, I'd like to realize my other strengths and learn how to use them to serve (at church, at school, with my friends, with my Kenya team, etc.). I'm tired of thinking about what I need/want to work on...it's time to start thinking about how I'm already a great person!
Happy New Year! Bring it 2013! :)
- I said goodbye to a guy that I was completely convinced I was going to be with for a very long time.
- I had emotionally draining, stressful roommate drama that even went so far as to involve the cops.
- I lost my job at a school I felt like was home and had to say goodbye to amazing coworkers that became good friends and a great community.
- I endured the job search once again.
- My great aunt passed away, which was the first close family member death in 15 years.
I honestly don't think I've cried so much in a year as I did in 2012. Many of those hard things above not only made me cry, but they made me ugly cry. Oy. Guess I'm not totally dead inside.
But, with those tough things came some great things. In fact, most of those hard things happened within the first half of 2012. The second half brought some awesome things.
- I co-captained a frisbee team and had a blast making losing fun.
- I grew closer to an awesome group of girls who I can laugh with, be spontaneous with, but also be real with and find support in.
- My niece Emily was born :)
- I found a new job doing what I love.
- I found a new (normal!) roommate that I get along with.
- I've continued to keep in touch and spend time with some close friends from my last school, which have included dinner dates, girls' movie nights, pool floating, a Badger game, and a Halloween party.
I love the New Year. I love reflecting upon the previous year, the good and the bad, and feeling the motivation to work on new goals. I went back and read the goals I made for 2012. I stuck to them okay, but I think I want to keep some of them (for a form of some of them) to hopefully continue to make them habits, not just goals to be accomplished once in a year. For 2012, I wanted to:
1. Have a NOR (Night of Reflection) once a week. - I stuck to this pretty well for a good portion of the year, but I've kinda fallen away from it recently.
2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self help" book a month. - This is a lofty goal considering I'm not a huge reader during the school year. I'd like to keep the goal of always reading at least 1 devotional-type book, but I'm not going to put a time limit on it.
3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week. - Again, I didn't really stick to this timeline, but I'd like to continue blogging on a somewhat regular basis to give myself time to stop and process life, as well as share it with those closest to me.
4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012. - I stuck to this pretty well (I read 75%!), despite having to skip a few sections due to falling behind. The goal of this for Blackhawk was to make Bible reading a habit, not necessarily just reading through the Bible in a year. I feel like that goal was accomplished in me. I have made the time I get ready in the morning when I listen to the Bible passage for the day, and I enjoy reading on lazy weekend mornings. In 2013, I'd like to use the other plans on my Bible app to keep me in the Word daily.
The one goal I'm adding to 2013 is to work on finding/learning what my strengths are and figuring out how to use those to serve others. For Kenya, we had to take a spiritual gifts assessment, which was interesting. When I think of my strengths, I usually only can say I'm a good teacher. So, it was interesting to see what other things this assessment said I was good at. I'm also currently reading a book called You're Already Amazing, which helps women find their strengths, realize they are made exactly the way God wants, and live in a way that uses those strengths. Like I said before, I usually just see teaching as my strength. But, to be honest, the last thing I want to do on a Sunday is volunteer with/teach kids. That's what I do all week! I feel like it would just burn me out. So, this year, I'd like to realize my other strengths and learn how to use them to serve (at church, at school, with my friends, with my Kenya team, etc.). I'm tired of thinking about what I need/want to work on...it's time to start thinking about how I'm already a great person!
Happy New Year! Bring it 2013! :)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I am enough because You are enough
A little over a week ago, I was able to get together with some of my former Oregon coworkers for dinner. It was so great! They make me laugh and feel like I'm part of the family. I love them dearly.
One thing that made this night interesting was that the two new kindergarten teachers that replaced me came (one was the one I had interviewed against but was later moved to a permanent position, and the other was the one hired to replace me after the first one was moved to a permanent position). Before they got there, I asked my former aide Kris how it was going with them and her response was "fine, but they're not you." After meeting them, they seem nice but they're very young. I'm sure they're doing fine, but I just find the whole thing so interesting. I would love to ask the superintendent what they have that I don't.
Later in the night, they were asking me about life and inevitably the topic of relationships (or the lack thereof) came up. Kris' daughter Ali was with us and she and Kris started talking about how Ali's friend Jeff would be perfect for me. He goes to my church, is an athletic trainer for the Badger football team, and is just an all-around nice, good-looking guy. This got the rest of my coworkers really excited and they started devising a way for me to meet him. We decided that I am going to meet him next weekend after the football game. I guess they usually go out to one of the bars by the stadium after the game, so I'll meet up with them after the game. I like that it will be a casual group thing with people I feel comfortable with.
Part of me is really excited. The more they told me about him, the more he sounded like the type of guy I've been looking for. But, last weekend, I started to struggle with some thoughts of inadequacy and overall lack of self esteem.
On Sunday, I was at my friend Kristin's for the Packer game. During one of the commercial breaks, she started to tell us about how she sat behind one of the hottest guys at church a couple of weeks ago. She went on to say that they talked a bit during the meet and greet but she had decided to try to ask him out if he stuck around after church. He didn't end up sticking around and she didn't get another chance to talk to him. At this point, I started to tell the girls about the guy my coworkers want to set me up with. As we talked, Kristin and I realized we were talking about the same guy! I felt bad at first, but Kristin was cool about it.
Later that night, my roommate Rachel texted me from church to tell me that she was sitting next to the guy at church! When she came home, she said I have some "competition" because she saw Kristin talking to him after church. I had been texting with Kristin and I know she isn't going to ask him out or anything because my friends are trying to set me up with him, but I didn't like that Rachel called it competition. I've spent too much of my life comparing myself to other girls and even thinking other girls have things that I don't that make them more desirable to guys. And of course, Kristin is tall, skinny, pretty, athletic, nice...so I suddenly felt uneasy about the whole thing.
I started thinking about the things I've heard about this guy which made me feel like this kind of guy wouldn't like a girl like me. If he's really as hot and fit as people are saying, why would he like little old me? I don't usually attract hot, athletic guys. I feel like those kind of guys like skinny, athletic girls. I then started thinking about the whole Kristin thing. If he didn't like Kristin, he definitely wouldn't like me. On the other hand, if he did like her, then there was no chance for me. I kept thinking about how it was just going to be a lost cause with me on the losing end.
All this thinking was driving me crazy and stressing me out. I quickly realized that I couldn't let myself think like that. If God is in ultimate control, anything can happen and He has it all planned out. God has shown me in the past that He can overcome things that feel like pretty big obstacles in my life, and without fail, it's been the right thing for my life. I'm slowly realizing that these self esteem struggles, or whatever you want to call them, are still evident in my mind. I thought I was doing better with feeling confident in and accepting who I am, but apparently it hasn't been completely surrendered. As I've thought more about it, my actions with guys in the past have made it pretty clear that I don't see myself the way God sees me. I've dated (if you can even call it dating...mostly just messing around with) guys I knew weren't good for me and clinging too much to them in order to feel wanted.
The sermon at church this morning really put things in perspective for me. Our pastor talked about three characteristics that followers of Christ have, with the last one being "faith that God can and will do what He promises." I call my self a follower of Christ, and I've had this faith in the past, but in this area of my life, I don't really live with this kind of faith. My actions don't show that I trust Him. In addition, I can't live my life thinking I'm not enough or finding my worth in guys. My identity needs to be in Christ, and believing He made me the way I am with a purpose. To help me with this, I picked up a book called You're Already Amazing (kind of a cheesy title, but it looks/sounds good) that helps women find and live in their strengths, and embrace who God made them to be without feeling like they need to do/have/be more. I'll update you with anything I learn from reading this book. Hopefully it'll be a lot!! :)
One thing that made this night interesting was that the two new kindergarten teachers that replaced me came (one was the one I had interviewed against but was later moved to a permanent position, and the other was the one hired to replace me after the first one was moved to a permanent position). Before they got there, I asked my former aide Kris how it was going with them and her response was "fine, but they're not you." After meeting them, they seem nice but they're very young. I'm sure they're doing fine, but I just find the whole thing so interesting. I would love to ask the superintendent what they have that I don't.
Later in the night, they were asking me about life and inevitably the topic of relationships (or the lack thereof) came up. Kris' daughter Ali was with us and she and Kris started talking about how Ali's friend Jeff would be perfect for me. He goes to my church, is an athletic trainer for the Badger football team, and is just an all-around nice, good-looking guy. This got the rest of my coworkers really excited and they started devising a way for me to meet him. We decided that I am going to meet him next weekend after the football game. I guess they usually go out to one of the bars by the stadium after the game, so I'll meet up with them after the game. I like that it will be a casual group thing with people I feel comfortable with.
Part of me is really excited. The more they told me about him, the more he sounded like the type of guy I've been looking for. But, last weekend, I started to struggle with some thoughts of inadequacy and overall lack of self esteem.
On Sunday, I was at my friend Kristin's for the Packer game. During one of the commercial breaks, she started to tell us about how she sat behind one of the hottest guys at church a couple of weeks ago. She went on to say that they talked a bit during the meet and greet but she had decided to try to ask him out if he stuck around after church. He didn't end up sticking around and she didn't get another chance to talk to him. At this point, I started to tell the girls about the guy my coworkers want to set me up with. As we talked, Kristin and I realized we were talking about the same guy! I felt bad at first, but Kristin was cool about it.
Later that night, my roommate Rachel texted me from church to tell me that she was sitting next to the guy at church! When she came home, she said I have some "competition" because she saw Kristin talking to him after church. I had been texting with Kristin and I know she isn't going to ask him out or anything because my friends are trying to set me up with him, but I didn't like that Rachel called it competition. I've spent too much of my life comparing myself to other girls and even thinking other girls have things that I don't that make them more desirable to guys. And of course, Kristin is tall, skinny, pretty, athletic, nice...so I suddenly felt uneasy about the whole thing.
I started thinking about the things I've heard about this guy which made me feel like this kind of guy wouldn't like a girl like me. If he's really as hot and fit as people are saying, why would he like little old me? I don't usually attract hot, athletic guys. I feel like those kind of guys like skinny, athletic girls. I then started thinking about the whole Kristin thing. If he didn't like Kristin, he definitely wouldn't like me. On the other hand, if he did like her, then there was no chance for me. I kept thinking about how it was just going to be a lost cause with me on the losing end.
All this thinking was driving me crazy and stressing me out. I quickly realized that I couldn't let myself think like that. If God is in ultimate control, anything can happen and He has it all planned out. God has shown me in the past that He can overcome things that feel like pretty big obstacles in my life, and without fail, it's been the right thing for my life. I'm slowly realizing that these self esteem struggles, or whatever you want to call them, are still evident in my mind. I thought I was doing better with feeling confident in and accepting who I am, but apparently it hasn't been completely surrendered. As I've thought more about it, my actions with guys in the past have made it pretty clear that I don't see myself the way God sees me. I've dated (if you can even call it dating...mostly just messing around with) guys I knew weren't good for me and clinging too much to them in order to feel wanted.
The sermon at church this morning really put things in perspective for me. Our pastor talked about three characteristics that followers of Christ have, with the last one being "faith that God can and will do what He promises." I call my self a follower of Christ, and I've had this faith in the past, but in this area of my life, I don't really live with this kind of faith. My actions don't show that I trust Him. In addition, I can't live my life thinking I'm not enough or finding my worth in guys. My identity needs to be in Christ, and believing He made me the way I am with a purpose. To help me with this, I picked up a book called You're Already Amazing (kind of a cheesy title, but it looks/sounds good) that helps women find and live in their strengths, and embrace who God made them to be without feeling like they need to do/have/be more. I'll update you with anything I learn from reading this book. Hopefully it'll be a lot!! :)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Summer Hiatus
Well it looks like I didn't just take a break from school for the summer. I neglected this blog a bit...sorry!
Quick update:
I got a 1 year (of course) job teaching kindergarten in DeForest, northeast of Madison. I moved to Waunakee (northwest of Madison) with a friend from my lifegroup. I taught summer school this summer. I had ridiculous amounts of fun with my friends. I co-captained a losing frisbee team but still found a way to have fun.
Okay, now to the important stuff. :-P Throughout my whole job search this summer, I felt a crazy peace about it. I was frustrated with how it worked out and sad about having to leave good friends behind, but I wasn't worried about finding a new job. Not only does it work out every year, but I decided that things were going to be okay because God has never let me down in that area of my life. Don't get me wrong, His plans definitely haven't been anything I would've written for myself. I would've planned things differently...but I probably wouldn't be the person I am now had I been the author of my plans. God's plans have definitely been tougher, but they have not only made me a better teacher, but a more trusting follower of Christ. Win.
Since school has started (well since I started working at my new school in August), I've struggled a bit with trying to understand why God chose to play things out they way He did. The way I lost my job in Oregon was the only way I could've been without a job. There's no doubt it wasn't where God wanted me. And I do believe it helped me trust in His plan more than I have in the past. Maybe that was the only reason for it. But I keep wondering if there's another reason. I like my new school and my new coworkers...but it's not quite the same as last year. I don't feel a connection with any of my new coworkers like I did last year. From the beginning, I felt like my coworkers in Oregon were not just coworkers, but dear friends. I don't really feel that yet this year. I don't get the same "this is where I'm supposed to be" feeling like I did last year. It just all makes me wonder what God's purpose is.
I also feel like I've been in this paradox of being super thankful and excited about the community of friends I've built here in Madison while recently feeling the "single blues." I've grown closer to an amazing group of women through my lifegroup and church. We've tried to make it a point to have girls' nights at least twice a month and a recent trip to a friend's farm allowed for some awesome heart to heart with a couple girls. I'm loving my life here. Frisbee, girls' nights, lifegroup get-togethers, roommate bonding.
But then I see more of my friends finding new relationships and it makes me long for the day I can find that again too. I don't necessarily feel lonely here. On the contrary, I have a social life that keeps me quite busy. But I long for that companionship. Girls' time is one thing. I enjoy having girls to hang out with and get to know better. But I miss having that person. I miss the closeness that only a significant other can give. I miss hearing that I am beautiful and desired. As each friend finds a new relationship, it makes me wonder when it will be my turn.
I've been reminded that finding a relationship isn't the ultimate goal. Knowing and loving God intimately is. I'm (slowly) reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and tonight I read this quote that stuck out to me: "His pleasure matters more than mine. But His pleasure includes mine...Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good. And somehow, inevitably, at some point I discover joy." Just like with my career, God is in ultimate control. But I have to keep reminding myself that this ultimate control doesn't mean God is a vending machine where I can just tell him my requests and wait for Him to send them to me. There will be times that things don't work out the way I wish they would. I sure have experienced that. Rather than finding ways to try to make myself feel better, I need to focus on pleasing God, growing closer to Him and knowing Him better, and learning how to love others well. This will produce a joy that only God can give. And not only will this produce joy, but it is promised. God doesn't promise to give us everything we want, but He promises to do what is best for us so that we can experience joy in Him. The blessings He gives us this side of Heaven are just that...blessings. They shouldn't be my ultimate goal though. I'm trying to learn how to live in a way that pleases God, not because I want something, but to honor Him. That will give me more joy than a husband will.
Quick update:
I got a 1 year (of course) job teaching kindergarten in DeForest, northeast of Madison. I moved to Waunakee (northwest of Madison) with a friend from my lifegroup. I taught summer school this summer. I had ridiculous amounts of fun with my friends. I co-captained a losing frisbee team but still found a way to have fun.
Okay, now to the important stuff. :-P Throughout my whole job search this summer, I felt a crazy peace about it. I was frustrated with how it worked out and sad about having to leave good friends behind, but I wasn't worried about finding a new job. Not only does it work out every year, but I decided that things were going to be okay because God has never let me down in that area of my life. Don't get me wrong, His plans definitely haven't been anything I would've written for myself. I would've planned things differently...but I probably wouldn't be the person I am now had I been the author of my plans. God's plans have definitely been tougher, but they have not only made me a better teacher, but a more trusting follower of Christ. Win.
Since school has started (well since I started working at my new school in August), I've struggled a bit with trying to understand why God chose to play things out they way He did. The way I lost my job in Oregon was the only way I could've been without a job. There's no doubt it wasn't where God wanted me. And I do believe it helped me trust in His plan more than I have in the past. Maybe that was the only reason for it. But I keep wondering if there's another reason. I like my new school and my new coworkers...but it's not quite the same as last year. I don't feel a connection with any of my new coworkers like I did last year. From the beginning, I felt like my coworkers in Oregon were not just coworkers, but dear friends. I don't really feel that yet this year. I don't get the same "this is where I'm supposed to be" feeling like I did last year. It just all makes me wonder what God's purpose is.
I also feel like I've been in this paradox of being super thankful and excited about the community of friends I've built here in Madison while recently feeling the "single blues." I've grown closer to an amazing group of women through my lifegroup and church. We've tried to make it a point to have girls' nights at least twice a month and a recent trip to a friend's farm allowed for some awesome heart to heart with a couple girls. I'm loving my life here. Frisbee, girls' nights, lifegroup get-togethers, roommate bonding.
But then I see more of my friends finding new relationships and it makes me long for the day I can find that again too. I don't necessarily feel lonely here. On the contrary, I have a social life that keeps me quite busy. But I long for that companionship. Girls' time is one thing. I enjoy having girls to hang out with and get to know better. But I miss having that person. I miss the closeness that only a significant other can give. I miss hearing that I am beautiful and desired. As each friend finds a new relationship, it makes me wonder when it will be my turn.
I've been reminded that finding a relationship isn't the ultimate goal. Knowing and loving God intimately is. I'm (slowly) reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and tonight I read this quote that stuck out to me: "His pleasure matters more than mine. But His pleasure includes mine...Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good. And somehow, inevitably, at some point I discover joy." Just like with my career, God is in ultimate control. But I have to keep reminding myself that this ultimate control doesn't mean God is a vending machine where I can just tell him my requests and wait for Him to send them to me. There will be times that things don't work out the way I wish they would. I sure have experienced that. Rather than finding ways to try to make myself feel better, I need to focus on pleasing God, growing closer to Him and knowing Him better, and learning how to love others well. This will produce a joy that only God can give. And not only will this produce joy, but it is promised. God doesn't promise to give us everything we want, but He promises to do what is best for us so that we can experience joy in Him. The blessings He gives us this side of Heaven are just that...blessings. They shouldn't be my ultimate goal though. I'm trying to learn how to live in a way that pleases God, not because I want something, but to honor Him. That will give me more joy than a husband will.
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