grace and redemption

I really should be going to bed right now. Tomorrow is the first day I have to get up early-ish for work. I'm only meeting with the teacher I'm taking over for, so it's nothing too official, but I should probably be somewhat awake and alert. But, I'm a night owl and not the least bit tired.

So I mentioned in my last post about my life getting to a point where I wasn't making the best decisions. For some reason, I got to a point where I was having fun enjoying life...life my way. I let myself drift away from God. I was enjoying being in charge of my own life.

Rewind a bit. Around last January or so, I was at Jose's, a Mexican restaurant we would often frequent after Impact for drinks and free chips and salsa. It was actually only my second or third time joining the Jose's crew...I usually went to TGI Fridays after Impact. I was sitting on the end of one of the long tables we were seated at, sitting next to people I didn't really know. I was casually talking to a guy at the head of the table (we'll call him John...I don't remember his name). John worked at a cell phone store, so we were talking about my (relatively) new iPhone and my favorite apps. During our conversation, a guy joined us at the end of the table. I found out his name was Dan and he jumped right into our convo. Continuing our discussion, I mentioned that my Sports Center app was one of my most used apps, making it one of my favorites. Dan's eyes lit up and quickly asked me what teams I followed. After mentioning that I love the Packers, Brewers, and Badgers, his eyes lit up even more. Needless to say, he was impressed that a girl (who on the outside looked like a girly girl) was that into sports. We chatted for a few more minutes and then he left.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. I went with my friend Ryan to Mike's brother's band's concert (follow that? :P). Dan was there and started talking to me. Except that I didn't remember who he was. I recognized him, but he had to remind me where we had met. We started casually talking and quickly realized we had a lot of the same interests. Conversation flowed so naturally. I found myself feeling incredibly comfortable with someone I hardly knew...not something that usually happens for me. It usually takes me a while before I open up and feel comfortable around someone new. Once the concert started, Dan asked my friend Renee and me if we wanted go to the front and dance. Again, not something I would usually do with someone I just met. But, I went and had an absolute blast.

From March until about May, we only saw each other randomly at Impact or I'm Not a Pilot concerts (Mike's brother's band). It was also during this time that he told me he was planning on moving to Texas sometime in the summer. I was bummed to hear this because I was enjoying getting to know him, but we had just become friends so it wasn't anything too devastating.

In the beginning of May, Ryan had his annual Cinqo de Mayo party (this year it was on Siete de Mayo) and he invited Dan, who was slowly becoming part of our little friend group. Again, Dan and I had a blast hanging out, being silly, and dancing. I was really enjoying hanging out with him. Impact ended in May and our last official event was a Brewers game. Dan came to the tailgate (in the pouring rain!!) but wasn't going to go to the game. I eventually convinced him to go and we, again, had a blast.

Throughout the summer, we started hanging out more and more. Always in a group, but we'd go to movies, hang out at friends' houses, or watch Brewers games at the bar. Multiple times, after seeing a movie or hanging out somewhere, we'd end up chatting in the parking lot for hours after everyone else had left. We would just start talking and before we knew it, 2 or 3 hours had gone by...except those 2 or 3 hours felt like 10 minutes. Talking to him felt so natural and we had so much in common. In the back of my mind, a little voice kept reminding me that he was moving. But I was having so much fun with him and I didn't want to be reminded that he was leaving. I had found a great friend. He brought out a side of me that only occasionally comes out. A goofy, fun-loving, outgoing side. I had never laughed more than when I was with him. We could talk sports one minute, be laughing about something stupid the next, and then be talking about something serious even the next minute. I had never felt so connected to someone before.

One night mid-July, we decided to have a little party at Ryan's house. My friend Kristina had just lost her job and we decided that we needed to have a night where we just put life's stresses behind us. In the past, we've had to deal with friends driving home when they shouldn't have after drinking, so beforehand we decided to make it a sleepover so nobody was driving home after drinking too much. Dan of course was invited to this little party and not long into it, we decided to have a dance party. We'd had dance parties before, but this time Dan and I danced together. I tried not to think anything of it and went on just enjoying the night. Later in the night, I laid down on Ryan's futon and Mike and Dan decided to sit on top of me and tickle me. Mike eventually gave up, but Dan kept going. Before I knew it, he had leaned in and started kissing me. I don't know if it's the connection I was telling myself we had or if it's really the way he kisses, but his kisses are the best I've ever had. There was something about his kiss that made me weak in the knees. From that point on, I was hooked. I was trying to just see him as a friend, despite being attracted to him, because I knew he was planning on moving. But as soon as our friendship turned into something more, I threw it all to the wind. I no longer cared that he was moving. All I knew was that I really liked him and didn't want the kissing to end.

The next month became a fling with Dan. Many times when we hung out with people, we would find an excuse to sneak away alone. Then it turned into finding excuses to sleep over at each other's places. It quickly became a regular thing. And most times, it revolved around us drinking and then making not-so-good choices.

The sad thing is that I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was going to hurt in the end. I knew I was doing something that was disappointing God. But I wanted to do it anyway. I wanted to soak up every minute I had with him. I was enjoying living in a fantasy...where morals and real life didn't exist.

He moved to Texas a little over a week ago. I knew I was going to miss him, but some days it really sucks. Part of me misses him because of the girl in me that likes to feel wanted and attractive. But most of me misses HIM...who he his, the friendship we created, the connection we have. I miss his energy. I miss goofing around with him. I miss his sense of humor. Discussing the Brewers over text just isn't the same.

The hard part is that I know without a doubt that moving to Texas was the right thing for him. There are things in his life that he needs to work on and figure out, and he was just feeling in a rut in Wisconsin. It's also good for me that he's not here because if he were, it would've been much harder to stop the fling we got into.

One thing I've experienced since Dan left is God's unfailing and unmistakeable presence. I deliberately turned my back on God this summer. I made choices that I KNEW were sinful. And yet...God made Himself known to me, covered me in grace, and blessed me when I didn't deserve a darn thing. WHAT?! I don't understand it...I don't think I ever will. All I know is that even though my flesh wants Dan to come back and to be with him, God has something greater for me...for us. Both of us are in big transition periods in our lives and I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened at the peak of our little fling. Some days it's really hard to cling to the truth that God has something better for me. In my head, Dan is just what I wanted. But I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God and He will take care of me. It'll all be okay.

A New Adventure...Finally!!

I FINALLY got a teaching position!!! Albeit, it's a temporary position, but it's a teaching job nonetheless!! I'm taking over for a kindergarten teacher that is doing an administrative internship. So basically that means that she's pursuing becoming a principal and can do an internship for up to 3 years. Which means I could be teaching for her for up to 3 years. Or, after a year or two, I could pursue a more permanent position in the district and would have a pretty good chance of getting one (so I'm told). Either way, it's great experience!

This new job means yet another move. But the good news is that I'm heading back to the Madison area! Despite most of my close Madison friends being gone, I'm excited to head back to the city that I love. Not that I don't love Milwaukee...but it's nice that I'll be moving to a city I'm familiar with. I have a church there. I know where I can get plugged in. I still have a few acquaintances. I know where things are. I don't usually welcome a move like this, but I feel ready and excited for it. I've had a couple good friends move out-of-state within the past month and I think it'll be easier for me if I'm in a new place too. Being here without them just reminds me that they're gone. I also was getting into some not-healthy habits while living here. I started drinking a lot more. I got involved with guys that weren't good for me (more on that later). I think a change will be good for me.

I read my last few posts from the last year. It's interesting to see why God brought me through the waiting period with my job. This time last year, I was so frustrated with life. I couldn't understand why God would allow me to lose my kindergarten aide job (a job I loved) at the end of the summer. But then, He provided me with my literacy aide job...a job that taught me so much and has made me so much more knowledgeable. I feel ready and confident because of the jobs I've had thus far. It's amazing to look back at the last 4 years since graduating college and see how each job has built upon the last. I can see the reason God put me in each job. I can even start to understand why He made me wait. Granted, this coming year will in no way be easy. But, I definitely feel more ready than ever. More ready and more prepared than I would've been even a year ago.

I also feel like God totally went before me when I interviewed for Oregon. I walked away from it feeling like it went pretty well, but it wasn't any different than any other interview I've had in the past...interviews for jobs I didn't get. I even felt like I didn't do all that great and wasn't able to communicate the best at the 2nd interview. And yet, I was offered the job within 45 minutes of leaving the 2nd interview. My new principal is beyond excited to have me working at her school. She knows that I am a knowledgeable and talented teacher. I already feel comfortable and welcomed from the few people I've met. I know this was God-ordained. It came at a time in my life when I least deserved it (again...more on that later). And yet, it all feels almost too perfect (aside from having to move rather quickly). Nothing I've done should have my principal this excited to have me a part of her staff. God has paved the path long before I stepped foot on it. It's a shame I ever doubted.

I'm hoping to be better at blogging...especially now that I will be moving once again. I will be incredibly busy this year, but I'm hoping to use this as a chance to slow down and actually process life a bit. And maybe document a few funny kid quotes. :)

Stuck.

Last weekend was our family camping trip with my mom's side of the family. It was filled with hiking, games, playing with the kids, and lots of food like usual. The thing with seeing my extended family though is, because we only see each other a couple times a year, everyone always asks for an update on our lives. And I feel like everyone had something exciting or positive to report. My brother got a promotion. My sister finished school and bought my uncle's car. My mom and stepdad moved into their new house and bought a new car. Then it was my turn.

"Do you have a permanent job yet?"

Nope.

"Boyfriend prospects?"

Negative.

I have zilch to report.

My life is about the same it was last summer. And the summer before that. And the summer before that. You get the point. Besides being in a new apartment (which no one even asked about), I'm in the same place yet again. Single with an uncertain future.

It feels much harder this year. Everything. Being single. Watching my friends and family get married and have babies. Not having a teaching job. As Holly told me a few weeks ago with a big smile on her face, God must have some big plans in store. I choose to believe that with her. I don't believe God is a God that puts desires in us just for fun. I don't know how patient I can be though. I've never felt such an uneasiness inside me before. It's on the verge of being physically uncomfortable. It feels like my body wants to run but my legs can't move. Like I have all this energy but no way to get it out. I have these desires in me that just want to burst out of me...but I can't fulfill them. I'm stuck. I want my life to move forward...I'm ready to move on to the next phases of life...but I can't. I have absolutely no control over it. It's not a fun feeling.

In times like these, all I can do to move forward is to run towards God. That's easier some days than others. Some days I feel frustrated and upset. Other days, I'm thankful that God is putting me through this time to bring me closer to Him. It's just one giant rollercoaster ride. Rather than praying for a specific job, I've found myself just praying for peace. I know God will provide for me - I have to trust that in times like this. But He's my only source of peace. I can't find it anywhere else.

"A future awaits those who seek peace." Psalm 37:37b

Taking my life off pause

I have been avoiding things lately. My job future is uncertain. There are many things about me that need changing or working on. Instead of being proactive and doing something about the things I'm not happy with or stressed about, I shut my thoughts and emotions off. I keep myself busy so I "don't have time or energy" to work on things. Or when I'm not busy, I become a lazy blob with no motivation to do anything. I'm not quite sure why I shut myself off sometimes. I think it's because I get overwhelmed with whatever is going on or whatever I'm feeling. It's easier to shut down and just be than to deal with life. But where is that going to get me? Not very far.

I'm stressed (once again) about job stuff. This year with everything going on politically, I feel like (and have been pretty much told) my chances of finding a teaching job are next to nothing. But I have a God that can do anything and only wants the best for me...yet I'm not putting my faith in Him. I'm not living out what I say I believe. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. And then when I think about how I've messed up (and keep messing up), I feel like God won't bless me. I let Satan get in my head and let me believe God is disappointed in me. Which then leads me to not spend any time with Him because I'm ashamed for letting Him down. It's so stupid. I know in my head it's all not true, but I don't let my heart believe it. It's been a common problem for me. I hate feeling like I don't deserve anything. I see people around me getting into relationships, getting married, or getting their dream job and I think to myself that I don't deserve that. I haven't been putting God first in my life and I'm constantly messing up - why would He bless me and give me the things I long for? But that's what is so mind-blowing...He doesn't hold anything against us. It's hard for me to live like I believe that though.

I don't know why I let my head get in the way of my heart. It is something that is so hard for me. I know I can't do things on my own - yet I continue to try. I know I need to lean on God for support - yet I still find support elsewhere. It's going to take a lot to change the way I think and see things. But I'm ready to try. I'm tired of living my life on pause. I want to press play and change some of the things I know need changing. I'm tired of living like a hypocrite, saying I believe one thing, but living like I believe another. I don't want to turn my mind and emotions off. I want to experience the freedom and grace I have in Christ.

I'm back! Hopefully...

It's way too easy to neglect this little blog! I kept thinking that I should update it, but obviously that hasn't happened since the summer. Here's my attempt at updating you on my life since last August (although, hopefully I've talked to you sometime since then and none of this is new information...if people still read this, that is).

My job: A week or two after I found out I had lost my job as a kindergarten aide, I interviewed in Tosa for a literacy aide position. I ended up getting a full-time literacy aide position at Washington School...a school only a mile or so away from the school I was at last year. Basically, my job consists of me working one-on-one or in small groups with struggling readers in grades 4K-5, as well as supporting the teachers in the classroom during reading or writing time. It took some time to adjust to this new job and new school, but it's going well. The reading specialist that I work closely with is very scatter-brained and hard for me to work with. She's not well liked by the teachers in the school, so it's taken A LOT of patience to work alongside her. My schedule is constantly changing, so it took a while to get into the groove. At this point in the year though, I now know what I'm doing and feel confident. I love the staff at Washington. I love that I work with so many of them and from that, feel like many of them come to me with questions, concerns, or just to vent or joke around. As for next year, that of course, is up in the air. I'm fairly confident that my position will be available next year, which would provide a good back-up. I enjoy most parts of my job this year, but I still want to be in the classroom. There are 2 third grade teachers retiring from my school after this year (if their retirement requests are accepted), so that could be a possibility. I will also look for openings in others schools, both in the district and out of the district.

Relationships: At the end of October, I started dating a guy I met at my church's young adult group, Impact. He was new to Impact, and we started dating within a couple weeks of meeting. The relationship went really well...he treated me well and I had a lot of fun getting to know him and spending time with him. However, in the beginning of December, he decided we should break up. The biggest reason was because he's new to being a Christian and felt like that was a big area where we differed. He felt like he had a long way to go to be anywhere near where I am in my faith. He decided that he wanted to work on things in his life, and felt like he would only be holding me back if we kept dating. I was disappointed that the relationship ended so quickly, but I knew it was the right decision for him. We decided to be friends, but haven't really seen each other much since breaking up. We did email quite a bit after breaking up, further discussing the break-up and how we were both feeling. I feel good about things, and hope the best for him. I miss being in a relationship, but I feel like God brought Danny into my life to help me realize that there are things about me that guys like. I was kind of struggling with feeling like someone could like me for who I am after the whole Mike thing. But now, I'm feeling more confident in who I am and can say that I am beautiful and worth it.

Other: I've been living at home since the summer of 2009 and my sister and I finally decided it was time to move out. This week, we'll be moving to an apartment on the east-side of Tosa. I've always wanted to live down there. It has a small town feel, with lots of cute boutiques, restaurants, and shops all within walking distance. It also has a park and a river with a great biking/running trail also within walking distance. We're so excited to finally have our own place! I have also been trying to workout regularly, as well as watch what I eat (during the workweek anyway)...and have lost 8 pounds! I'm hoping to lose at least another 10 pounds eventually.

I think that's about it. I'm hoping to update this more regularly, so keep checking back! :)

my life is on repeat.

Last week, I went to the Edwards' lake house in Okoboji, Iowa for some relaxation and sun. I know what you're thinking...a lake in Iowa?? But, believe me, it's a gorgeous lake! Anyway, on my way, I got a phone call from my school district to set up a meeting with the head HR director. They wanted to meet while I was going to be gone, so I set up the meeting for this morning.

I wasn't sure what this meeting was about, but I didn't really expect what happened. Leading up to today, I had an uneasy feeling about it (I hated the unknown!) and even had 2 bad dreams about it. Looking back, I now know why. I found out today that they eliminated my position and are letting me go. Yes, after telling me in June that I was being offered my position for next year. I'm guessing they just wanted to cover their bases just in case they were going to need extra help...it's much easier to fire people than to hire new people.

If I want to stay in the district, I have 2 options: 1) be put into the sub pool and attempt to get a long-term sub job aside from daily subbing, or 2) apply and (hopefully) interview for one of three literacy aide positions. Two of these positions travels between two or three different schools (Lincoln is one of them, I believe...at least it was last year) and one will permanently be at one school. A literacy aide basically works one-on-one or in small groups with students that struggle with reading or phonics.

I told the HR director that I hope to be a classroom teacher someday and asked his advice as to what route I should take. He told me that the literacy aide position would probably be better because it's a steadier position (and includes benefits) and shows that I would be dedicated to helping struggling students. However, a long-term sub job would be good to land as well because it would allow me to make connections in other schools (reference-wise) and it would give me good experience teaching in a classroom on my own. I told the HR director to put my name in for both of those options. Additionally, I spent about an hour today applying for openings in other districts (full-time classroom teaching and long-term subbing).

Part of me isn't surprised this ended up happening. I kind of felt like keeping my aide job for a second year was too good to be true. And, let's face it, this has become the pattern of my life in the "real-world."

I am beyond frustrated right now. I'm sure God is using all of these experiences to better me in some way (patience, perhaps??), but seriously, c'mon!!! I have such a passion for teaching and I feel like it's the only thing I want to do with my life...it's just about all I've ever wanted to do since 4th grade. Why can't I just do what I love???? Seriously, what normal person gets excited about school supplies at Target and could spend hours at the Learning Shop? I don't understand.

I want to believe that God faithful and things will work out. I go through this every summer...and something always ends up working out somehow. But, when am I ever going to catch a break?! Why do I have to suffer through this every single year? I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day. I get it God...You're in control. What else am I supposed to do? Am I being punished for something? Is my faith lacking? I feel like things can't be going well in my life for too long before God brings something crashing down. I know I don't have it as bad as many people in the world, but that's just how it feels right now.

I just wish I understood...

I have always had a hard time with finding motivation to do things that don't seem so fun. It's easy for me to think of things in my life that I want to change, but finding the motivation to work on changing them and sticking to it is hard. I can't imagine I'm the only one who struggles with this.

I've been thinking about some things that I'd ideally like to change...

1. Get into a regular workout routine.

Last summer, I was really good about running at least 3-5 times a week. Once school started, it was squelched pretty quickly. It is so hard to find the energy to go to the gym after work...I don't feel like I work any harder at Lincoln, but for some reason I feel absolutely exhausted after work each day. So, I'm hoping to get into a good routine...maybe bringing workout clothes with me and going straight from work to the gym.

2. Eat better.

Lately, I've been really unhappy with how my body has gotten. I am the heaviest I've ever been and it makes me feel disgusting. I try to make healthier choices, but it hasn't been a huge priority yet.

3. Make God a bigger priority.

The book that I'm reading with Angela has challenged me to make God a bigger priority in my life. One quote in the book really struck me..."don't try to build Me into your life anymore. Instead, build your life around Me." I want to know what that looks like. I want to figure out what that can be in my life.

4. Focus on loving others more than myself.

Recently, I've realized that I can be very selfish, especially when I'm with my family. I want to get into the habit of letting go of myself and being more loving to others.

I'm sure I'll be able to think of more, but this is a start. I'm hoping I'll be able to think of specific steps and things I can do daily to help me make these things a reality. Ask me about these things...I'm going to need accountability.