Last weekend was our family camping trip with my mom's side of the family. It was filled with hiking, games, playing with the kids, and lots of food like usual. The thing with seeing my extended family though is, because we only see each other a couple times a year, everyone always asks for an update on our lives. And I feel like everyone had something exciting or positive to report. My brother got a promotion. My sister finished school and bought my uncle's car. My mom and stepdad moved into their new house and bought a new car. Then it was my turn.
"Do you have a permanent job yet?"
Nope.
"Boyfriend prospects?"
Negative.
I have zilch to report.
My life is about the same it was last summer. And the summer before that. And the summer before that. You get the point. Besides being in a new apartment (which no one even asked about), I'm in the same place yet again. Single with an uncertain future.
It feels much harder this year. Everything. Being single. Watching my friends and family get married and have babies. Not having a teaching job. As Holly told me a few weeks ago with a big smile on her face, God must have some big plans in store. I choose to believe that with her. I don't believe God is a God that puts desires in us just for fun. I don't know how patient I can be though. I've never felt such an uneasiness inside me before. It's on the verge of being physically uncomfortable. It feels like my body wants to run but my legs can't move. Like I have all this energy but no way to get it out. I have these desires in me that just want to burst out of me...but I can't fulfill them. I'm stuck. I want my life to move forward...I'm ready to move on to the next phases of life...but I can't. I have absolutely no control over it. It's not a fun feeling.
In times like these, all I can do to move forward is to run towards God. That's easier some days than others. Some days I feel frustrated and upset. Other days, I'm thankful that God is putting me through this time to bring me closer to Him. It's just one giant rollercoaster ride. Rather than praying for a specific job, I've found myself just praying for peace. I know God will provide for me - I have to trust that in times like this. But He's my only source of peace. I can't find it anywhere else.
"A future awaits those who seek peace." Psalm 37:37b
