My life continues to be crazy...

My life is so unpredictable right now. I came to Madison over the weekend to help Miranda and Holly move. I then stayed on Sunday to help Holly clean and get her new room in order. Well, that led to me staying the night Sunday night (I can be easily persuaded). As Holly, Jennifer, and I were hanging out before bed, we were talking about how I probably won't be working until the end of the month because either schools aren't hiring new subs until then, or there just won't be sub jobs until then. This conversation led to Jennifer asking me if I would consider staying in Madison for a few weeks to help her (she injured her foot a couple of weeks ago) since she can't drive right now. So...I'm back in Madison. It's been pretty fun so far, even though I make multiple drives to campus (about a 15 min. drive) each day. I get to stay at their apartment for free, so I really can't complain. And, it gives me a couple more weeks with them. :)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a pushover. It took them asking me to stay once before I told them I would...even though it meant making a trip to Milwaukee and back in one afternoon. I love feeling needed by people, though. So, the thought of being there for someone and knowing that I'm helping out and making a difference is important to me. And if that means driving all over the place for them or helping move/unpack, it's worth it for me. It makes me feel good to know that I'm helping someone I love. But, I also think sometimes I fear that I do things for people because I know it'll make me feel more loved by others. I really don't want my motivation for helping others to be selfish...but I love the affirmation/attention/love I get. I love knowing that I'm appreciated. And I think sometimes, subconsciously, I want to help people out because I want them to love me...appreciate me...in fear that maybe I would go unnoticed if I didn't.

What a twisted mindset. But, deep down I have a huge need to feel loved. Even though I know my friends care about me, sometimes my twisted mind makes me question that unless I'm told that someone loves or appreciates me, or I get a hug or pat on the back from someone. Am I alone in this? Or is this normal? Why can't I just accept the fact that people do care about me instead of needing them to constantly tell me or show me? I think sometimes I worry that people care about other people more than me. Which is okay...I don't need to be the most important person in everyone's life. But for some reason, my mind tells me something's wrong with me if I'm not. It tells me that there's something I don't have that people are looking for or value. I know it's not true, but my heart doesn't believe the truth all the time.

This is something I've been wrestling with for a long time. Sometimes it goes away, but it seems to always find a way back. I need to find a way to make truth not only permeate my mind, but my heart also. I need to get to a point where lies don't have control over my mind, but where truth can overcome them.

The other day, I went to Holly's first fall frisbee game with Jennifer. A girl from my summer team was on the opposing team and was sharing Holly's water, so she often came over to where we were sitting to get a drink. One of the times she came over, she asked me if I was playing in fall league. I started to answer her, explaining that I was moving back to Milwaukee later in the week, but she walked away in the middle of my explanation (literally 2 sentences). Jennifer couldn't believe she had done that, but my first reaction was that it wasn't much different to how many people on my summer team treat me. I gave Jennifer the example of when Holly and I missed 2 weeks worth of games due to being out of town (for different reasons). When we returned, everyone on our team was so excited that Holly was back...while not a single person realized I had even been gone for 2 weeks. Either that, or they did realize, but just didn't care. My reaction to things like this is "What's new? It's the story of my life."

I was quickly told by both Holly and Jennifer on the way home that it doesn't have to be like that. People treat me like that because I let them. I sort of agree with this and have been known to let friends of mine walk over me and mistreat me, but I feel like it's different with people I don't know. Before I even get to know people, I feel like I'm cast into the shadows right away. I can't even count how many times I have to be introduced to people multiple times until they remember they've met me. I always thought it was because I'm quiet around people I don't know, especially when I'm not comfortable. That's who I am...someone who is quiet until I get to know people and feel more comfortable. I don't understand why that causes people to ignore me or not notice me or whatever.

Do I have to change who I am to change how people perceive me?
What do I do when I meet someone new that causes them to not remember me?
Do I come off as stuck up? Boring? Not interested in them?

The girls told me that it's one thing to be quiet and be okay with it...it's another thing to be quiet but not be okay with how people respond to it. Sometimes we have to do things out of our comfort zone. The only way I am going to be able to change how people act towards me is to change how I act towards them first.

That scares me.

I don't know how to go about it. I don't know how to suddenly become more talkative or outgoing or confident. I don't feel like I act uninterested when I meet new people, but I guess I need to put more effort into making conversation. I need to be more proactive about getting to know people. I love it when people take time out to ask me questions...get to know me...get to know my heart. I need to try to take the initiative in doing the same with others. It's not that I don't want to...it's just hard for me to do. It's not something that comes naturally. I want to be someone who people remember. I want to be someone who not only cares about others, but shows it. Sometimes...I just want to be someone else.

T-1 day until Milwaukee...

As you all know, I spent the summer in Madison. It was great to get away from everything, relax, and try to figure out the next step of my life. I was met with some issues in my life and heart that I didn't really realize were there until I slowed down...I'll post on those later. At times, it was a hard summer...I guess that just goes along with the hard year I had...but it was also a refreshing summer. As I get closer to heading back to Milwaukee, I often think back on when I first moved back to Milwaukee to start at Heritage a year ago. It feels like ages ago, and at the same time, the past year went by so fast. I remember how miserable I was. Leaving Madison was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...and I've moved a lot in my life. I felt like I had finally found solid community and I was suddenly ripped from it. I found myself having to rebuild community...again. I've never felt so lonely and depressed in my life. But, God knows how to provide for His children. Despite going through a very difficult first year of teaching, I was blessed with amazing coworkers. Now, a year later, I'm in a completely different place. For the first time in a very long time, I'm at peace about being in Milwaukee. It's been hard at times to come to terms with being let go at Heritage, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. The school is still going through a lot of bumps in the road and apparently God felt like it wasn't the best situation for me. It was frustrating to go through the summer and come up empty handed in the job department. But, I've decided to go back to subbing and get my foot in the door of a couple districts in the Milwaukee area...and I'm ok with it. Some days will be hard...some days my heart will ache for my own classroom and some consistency...but I did all I could to find a full-time teaching job and I'm confident that God has something else planned for me. I also feel at peace about some of the friendships I've made in Milwaukee. I've met some awesome, solid women that have just been good for my heart. They make me feel loved and cared for...just what I need. And I get to live with one of them this year, which will be awesome. :) So, it's been cool to think about how things worked out this past year, despite it being so hard. And now, one day before heading back, I find myself actually excited about what lies ahead. I've learned that home isn't just a city...it's wherever you make it.

hi friends. if you were invited to this blog, that means you are someone important in my life that i want to keep updated on my crazy life. i felt very removed from the people important to me last year when i made the move to milwaukee, so upon returning, this is my attempt to stay more connected with you and share how and what i'm doing. feel free to post comments and let me know people are actually reading this thing. :)