My life is so unpredictable right now. I came to Madison over the weekend to help Miranda and Holly move. I then stayed on Sunday to help Holly clean and get her new room in order. Well, that led to me staying the night Sunday night (I can be easily persuaded). As Holly, Jennifer, and I were hanging out before bed, we were talking about how I probably won't be working until the end of the month because either schools aren't hiring new subs until then, or there just won't be sub jobs until then. This conversation led to Jennifer asking me if I would consider staying in Madison for a few weeks to help her (she injured her foot a couple of weeks ago) since she can't drive right now. So...I'm back in Madison. It's been pretty fun so far, even though I make multiple drives to campus (about a 15 min. drive) each day. I get to stay at their apartment for free, so I really can't complain. And, it gives me a couple more weeks with them. :)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a pushover. It took them asking me to stay once before I told them I would...even though it meant making a trip to Milwaukee and back in one afternoon. I love feeling needed by people, though. So, the thought of being there for someone and knowing that I'm helping out and making a difference is important to me. And if that means driving all over the place for them or helping move/unpack, it's worth it for me. It makes me feel good to know that I'm helping someone I love. But, I also think sometimes I fear that I do things for people because I know it'll make me feel more loved by others. I really don't want my motivation for helping others to be selfish...but I love the affirmation/attention/love I get. I love knowing that I'm appreciated. And I think sometimes, subconsciously, I want to help people out because I want them to love me...appreciate me...in fear that maybe I would go unnoticed if I didn't.
What a twisted mindset. But, deep down I have a huge need to feel loved. Even though I know my friends care about me, sometimes my twisted mind makes me question that unless I'm told that someone loves or appreciates me, or I get a hug or pat on the back from someone. Am I alone in this? Or is this normal? Why can't I just accept the fact that people do care about me instead of needing them to constantly tell me or show me? I think sometimes I worry that people care about other people more than me. Which is okay...I don't need to be the most important person in everyone's life. But for some reason, my mind tells me something's wrong with me if I'm not. It tells me that there's something I don't have that people are looking for or value. I know it's not true, but my heart doesn't believe the truth all the time.
This is something I've been wrestling with for a long time. Sometimes it goes away, but it seems to always find a way back. I need to find a way to make truth not only permeate my mind, but my heart also. I need to get to a point where lies don't have control over my mind, but where truth can overcome them.
No comments:
Post a Comment