Well it looks like I didn't just take a break from school for the summer. I neglected this blog a bit...sorry!
Quick update:
I got a 1 year (of course) job teaching kindergarten in DeForest, northeast of Madison. I moved to Waunakee (northwest of Madison) with a friend from my lifegroup. I taught summer school this summer. I had ridiculous amounts of fun with my friends. I co-captained a losing frisbee team but still found a way to have fun.
Okay, now to the important stuff. :-P Throughout my whole job search this summer, I felt a crazy peace about it. I was frustrated with how it worked out and sad about having to leave good friends behind, but I wasn't worried about finding a new job. Not only does it work out every year, but I decided that things were going to be okay because God has never let me down in that area of my life. Don't get me wrong, His plans definitely haven't been anything I would've written for myself. I would've planned things differently...but I probably wouldn't be the person I am now had I been the author of my plans. God's plans have definitely been tougher, but they have not only made me a better teacher, but a more trusting follower of Christ. Win.
Since school has started (well since I started working at my new school in August), I've struggled a bit with trying to understand why God chose to play things out they way He did. The way I lost my job in Oregon was the only way I could've been without a job. There's no doubt it wasn't where God wanted me. And I do believe it helped me trust in His plan more than I have in the past. Maybe that was the only reason for it. But I keep wondering if there's another reason. I like my new school and my new coworkers...but it's not quite the same as last year. I don't feel a connection with any of my new coworkers like I did last year. From the beginning, I felt like my coworkers in Oregon were not just coworkers, but dear friends. I don't really feel that yet this year. I don't get the same "this is where I'm supposed to be" feeling like I did last year. It just all makes me wonder what God's purpose is.
I also feel like I've been in this paradox of being super thankful and excited about the community of friends I've built here in Madison while recently feeling the "single blues." I've grown closer to an amazing group of women through my lifegroup and church. We've tried to make it a point to have girls' nights at least twice a month and a recent trip to a friend's farm allowed for some awesome heart to heart with a couple girls. I'm loving my life here. Frisbee, girls' nights, lifegroup get-togethers, roommate bonding.
But then I see more of my friends finding new relationships and it makes me long for the day I can find that again too. I don't necessarily feel lonely here. On the contrary, I have a social life that keeps me quite busy. But I long for that companionship. Girls' time is one thing. I enjoy having girls to hang out with and get to know better. But I miss having that person. I miss the closeness that only a significant other can give. I miss hearing that I am beautiful and desired. As each friend finds a new relationship, it makes me wonder when it will be my turn.
I've been reminded that finding a relationship isn't the ultimate goal. Knowing and loving God intimately is. I'm (slowly) reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and tonight I read this quote that stuck out to me: "His pleasure matters more than mine. But His pleasure includes mine...Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good. And somehow, inevitably, at some point I discover joy." Just like with my career, God is in ultimate control. But I have to keep reminding myself that this ultimate control doesn't mean God is a vending machine where I can just tell him my requests and wait for Him to send them to me. There will be times that things don't work out the way I wish they would. I sure have experienced that. Rather than finding ways to try to make myself feel better, I need to focus on pleasing God, growing closer to Him and knowing Him better, and learning how to love others well. This will produce a joy that only God can give. And not only will this produce joy, but it is promised. God doesn't promise to give us everything we want, but He promises to do what is best for us so that we can experience joy in Him. The blessings He gives us this side of Heaven are just that...blessings. They shouldn't be my ultimate goal though. I'm trying to learn how to live in a way that pleases God, not because I want something, but to honor Him. That will give me more joy than a husband will.
