what i'm learning from 2011

Another year is coming to a close. I swear, these years go by faster the older I get. And yet, I feel like time is crawling at the same time. It's a weird paradox.

This year was quite the year. It was marked with some good times with friends, the beginning of the job I've been dreaming of, and the start of new friendships. It was also a hard year - moving away from home sort of last minute, saying goodbye to good friends moving away, and poor choices.

The biggest lesson I'm learning from 2011 is how to give up my own control and submit to God's power and authority. I recently read a blog article about a girl learning not to view God in the same way she views her Earthly father. I've often heard the comparison of our own fathers with God and how that can affect how we view God. For whatever reason, I never stopped to think if that was true in my own life. Lo and behold, it was!

My parents got divorced when I was in 8th grade. Before my dad moved out, he and I had a tense relationship. I was at the climax of puberty, and therefore was quite emotional. I was also growing up and becoming more of my own person rather than a little girl. That caused lots of tension. I was finding that as I grew up, I had similar issues with my dad that my mom had with him. Him moving out helped since he wasn't around all the time to argue with, but our relationship has always been strained. It's gotten a little better with each passing year, but I am in no way "daddy's little girl." After the divorce, my dad struggled to provide. He didn't make a lot of money and his jobs were never permanent. He had good intentions and wanted to show us that he was a dad that was there for his kids. Rather than just be there for us emotionally or support us in the ways he could, he felt like he had to make us promises - that he would buy us this or that, help us with rent, take us to this concert, take us on that vacation - but he never followed through on them. Ever. At first, it was comforting to think that my dad was going to help me out financially as I was trying to get out on my own. But, once I saw he never followed through with what he "promised," I stopped believing him. To this day, 14 years since the divorce, he still makes promises he can't keep. He still thinks he can live a certain kind of life when in reality he can't afford it. I've learned over the years to not trust my dad. I can't trust a single "promise" he makes. I can't count on him to help provide for me.

When I read that blog article the other day, I actually stopped to think about how I feel about my dad. And then I thought about the struggles I have with God. Woah...there was a connection! I struggle with thinking that God will provide for me and follow through with His promises. Despite past blessings He's given me, it's still a struggle in my heart. Rather than rest in God's promises, I worry. Would I ever get to do what I had a passion for and teach? Would He ever provide a Godly man to spend the rest of my life with? Would I ever feel settled and connected? My worries led me to think that He wouldn't follow through. I only saw all the ways I had messed up in my life and thought that my desires wouldn't be met. I couldn't trust God. So, I learned to take matters into my own hands. I found ways to satisfy my desires on my own. I even got to the point this summer where I basically flipped God off and did whatever the hell I wanted...only to find myself broken and empty.

And then I got my dream job...and found that I'm good at it. That's weird...I just spent the summer doing what I knew was wrong and landed an amazing job a week later. And then I met an amazing guy that makes me happier than I've ever been. Hmm...

Despite feeling like God has started satisfying some of my desires, I'm learning that I am NOT in control of this life...nor should I be. The biggest thing that is teaching me that is this whole thing with Janaque. I don't know if we're "meant to be" or whatever, but when I first met him and things started up with us, I was still in my old mindset: I must take advantage of him being here and enjoy every moment while I can! Who was in control? Me. Then he moved. I thought things were over and I'd just move on. Wrong. He wasn't just some random fling...he was turning out to be this incredible guy that was so much of what I've been looking for. So, my instinct was to just want to snatch him up and just date him long distance. So, I tried planning out how that would work. How often would we visit each other? How long would we do the long distance thing before one of us moving? Where would we live if it worked out? I've always thought the East Coast was nice...I wonder what it would take to get a Massachusetts teaching license?

I was worrying and stressing again...until I realized it's not in my control. It's not up to me because I have no idea what the future holds. J may be the guy for me...he may not. At this point, I know what I want and I know how I'd have it play out if I were the author of my life. But I'm not...so why am I stressing out about it? When I took things into my own hands in the past, they failed or I made big mistakes. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm ready to see what God has for me. I need to be patient...and to trust that God WILL follow through on His promises...in His own way.

It's so scary for me to do that. Nowhere does it say in the Bible that J and I will be together in the future. There's always the possibility that it won't work out. But, God does promise that He works for the good to those who love Him, that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He will always love us. His plans may be different than mine...but He promises that they are always GOOD! If J isn't the best for me, then the guy that is will be SO MUCH better for me than he is.

The other day, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was crabby because my computer stopped working and I was just feeling off. I was missing J like crazy (he's been in Canada for the last week and a half and is there for another week) and his emails seemed to be getting shorter. I quickly found myself freaking out. What if J changes his mind about me and decides he doesn't like me anymore and never wants to date me? What if he meets someone in Massachusetts and decides she's better than me? What if I said or did something that annoyed him? I soon found myself crying because I couldn't talk to him, I missed him, and I felt completely out of control of the situation. The thoughts that were going through my head were eating me alive.

I don't believe it was a coincidence that my computer stopped working that night (it magically worked just fine the next morning). I realized that I needed to spend time with God before I went completely insane. I don't even remember what I read that night, but I do remember just laying out all my fears and thoughts before God on tear-stained journal pages. My fears are legitimate things that could happen, but suddenly I realized that they weren't something I needed to stress about. My focus should be on seeking God in ALL situations...whether things are going great or crappy. My heart needs to trust God and all that He promises...even if it's different than what I think I want. I need to learn to rest in Him.

In order to keep on track with this, I need to make some tangible goals for my life (here you go Miranda!):

1. Have a NOR once a week.

2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self-help" book every month.

3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week.

4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012.

That's all I have for now...if I think of more, I'll let you guys know. :)

Striving for Colossians 1:9-12

Well, Janaque and I made it 1 week without talking. It was quite the week. I spent some time thinking and praying about where things were going. I spent some time talking to close friends and asking for advice. Up until the day before we were going to talk again, I still felt far from a decision and felt just as confused as when the week started.

I then realized that I was trying to justify why it was good for Janaque to try dating...I wasn't willing to listen to the people that were telling me reasons I shouldn't date him right now. I got a couple of hard emails to read that basically laid out all the things I need to work on before focusing on a relationship. They were hard to read because they had a lot of truth in them...and they weren't things I wanted to hear. However, once I stopped being defensive, I thought more about what they were saying. And once I did that, God made it pretty clear what the right decision was.

Talking to Janaque only confirmed what I felt like God was telling me the right decision was. He got the same advice from some of the people he talked to and was on the same page as I as we discussed it. I told him that it's been a couple of years since I've been actually single...not involved with any guy period. My discussions with some of my friends showed me that there are many things I need to work on in my heart and walk with God before I can focus on another boy...no matter how great I think he is. In addition to things I feel like I need to work on, I don't know what my job situation holds for me after this year (I'm in an interim position that can last as long as 3 years but can also be as short as just this year). In order to do this, I'm going to not date or consider dating anyone until school is out in the summer. From his side, the people he talked to all thought we should take more time to get to know each other. He also needs to figure out where his life is going in the near future. He needs to find a job for the next year or so and he'd like to apply to medical schools. We decided to just take the next few months to continue to get to know each other and see where God leads us. If it's meant for us to be together, God will cause our lives to run parallel.

Despite my peace about our decision, it's still hard at times. Janaque and I have decided not to talk everyday in order to give us some boundaries, but not talking every day is difficult at times. When we do talk, I'm reminded of how much I miss him being here. Last night, I went to bed after Skyping with him and my heart just ached. I miss him. It's going to take some time.

Tonight during my night of reflection, I was reading a couple of things that made me think. My church has been going back to various parts of Isaiah recently, so I decided to read through the whole book to get some context on the verses they have been highlighting. One thing that stuck out to me tonight was God's power and control over everything. He spoke through Isaiah and told him exactly how He was going to redeem the Israelites. He calmed the fears of the king of Judah by telling him specifically what was going to happen in the future. God already had everything all mapped out. So, rather than worrying about figuring out what the future holds, if I believe the Word to be Truth, I need to rest in the fact that God already has it figured out for me. Why do we worry so much??

I then looked up passages that talked about being patient because that's one struggle I have...being patient for what God has planned. It's hard for me to wait for something I can't see coming ahead. I'm a planner. I like to know what lies ahead. So, rather than being patient and doing what I know is right, I take things into my own hands and make decisions based on the here and now. I do what I want because it's something I know. I want to just throw caution to the wind and date Janaque despite him living 1,000 miles away because I know I like him, he likes me, and he makes me happy. But, that might not be what's best for us right now...or ever. I don't like not knowing, but I need to practice being patient and making good decisions in the meantime.

I was led to Colossians 1:9-12: "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light." Those are things I should be striving for. Those are the things that "please him in every way". It says in John that in order to bear fruit, we need to remain connected to God and allow Him to trim the branches that aren't producing fruit. That will in turn help us (me) grow in the knowledge of God and become stronger with endurance and patience.

God's not going to abandon me. He's not going to leave me high and dry. I need to just trust Him. I don't know why that's so hard for me sometimes. But I pray that I'm able to remain in Him...and that each day gets easier as I grow in patience and wait for Him.

Decision...

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks, but it's been a crazy busy last 3 weeks.

Last time, I wrote about hanging out with my Lifegroup and a guy named Janaque from my LG who was moving to Massachusetts. Well, about 2 weeks before he moved away, we realized that all of our hanging out was becoming more than friends. I didn't think I liked him initially, but the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him. We then had a decision to make...not see each other the last 2 weeks he was in town, or continue to hang out and essentially "date" for those 2 weeks. We chose the latter. ;) To make a long story short, we saw each other just about every day/night those 2 weeks and it was probably the best 2 weeks I've ever had. We realized that we were making him moving away harder on us, but I honestly didn't think it would be that hard after only knowing him well for about a month and "dating" for 2 weeks.

I was wrong.

Janaque moved away last Tuesday and it sucked...royally. I couldn't believe how much I fell for this guy in those short 2 weeks. We thought the smart thing would be to just try to be friends and keep boundaries on how often we talked. That lasted about a day. We couldn't hold back talking to each other. We talked last Saturday night for about 4 hours and in that conversation, realized we had a big decision to make. We couldn't keep things the way they were without any kind of definition. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Do we try the friend thing or do we try the long distance dating thing? The "I like you but I'm not actually dating you" thing wasn't going to work.

The "just be friends" route would be much safer. My type A logical brain likes that option. How could I possibly date and feel this way about someone after only 2 weeks of dating?? Trying a long distance relationship just seems foolish. But, just being friends means we'd probably have to not talk as much...I don't know if that would be possible.

On the other hand, a long distance relationship would mean a ton of risk and commitment. It would mean lots of money in flights to visit and trying to grow closer/continue to get to know each other from afar. And, ultimately if things worked out, it would mean one of us would have to sacrifice and move. Yikes.

We decided we couldn't make that decision in the spur of the moment. We decided we needed to pray about it. A lot. And talk to those closest to us to get advice. To do that, we decided not to talk (phone/text/email/FB) for a week so we could spend some quality time with the Lord about it. It's only been 2 days and I'm going crazy. I don't think I can last a whole week without talking to him. But, it has allowed me some sweet time with Jesus.

Obviously I need to talk to him to see where he's at with all this, but these last 2 days have showed me that I don't want to be "just friends" and not talk as much. I miss him too much. It scares the crap out of me though. A long distance relationship takes a lot of commitment. Any kind of relationship is risky. Can I really be feeling this way after 2 weeks?? How do I know this is really real and not just the beginning "honeymoon" stage?

I really just need to not let my head freak out and rest in God. I need to trust that He has everything under control. If it's meant to be, it'll all work out. If not, He'll let us know that too. I'll keep you posted. :)

"Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for You are God my Savior,
and my hope is in You all day long."
Psalm 25:4-5

I had an awesome weekend! I went to a game night at my new friend Janaque's (pronounced juh-nake) on Friday night...kind of a last hurrah before he moves away in 2 weeks. Saturday, my lifegroup did some clean up at the Arboretum in the morning, went out to lunch together, and then played some frisbee. Saturday night, Janaque and I had a movie night together and ended up staying up really late talking and getting to know each other more. Sunday was purely lazy...and amazing. I think I watched 7 hours of football (while doing schoolwork and other things)...glorious.

This weekend was so good for me. It felt amazing to have plans in Madison and to feel like I have a friend group. It kind of made me sad though. I'm having such a great time with Janaque. He's like my little buddy here (he's 4 years younger than me...making him almost my younger sister's age and kind of like a little brother). We have so much fun. I can just call him up out of the blue and we can find random (and not-so-random) things to talk about for much longer than planned. He's an extrovert like me, so he's almost always up for hanging out on the spur of the moment. But...he's moving in 2 weeks. I told him the other day (when we were talking about how we were bummed that we just became friends a couple weeks ago) that it's just how my life works. I don't fully understand why it's working out like this. But, I'm not going to lie...I'm bummed that it is.

In spite of all this, I feel like God is trying to teach me something big. I just listened to yesterday's sermon from church online. It was about God's holiness and Tim used the passage in Isaiah 6 to paint the picture. Basically, the takeaway was that God's holiness is good (it's all-powerful and gives us life) but it also exposes our sin and requires that our sin be dealt with in order for us to be in God's presence. Thankfully, Jesus paid the ultimate price for our sins so that we can experience God personally. However, that doesn't mean we get to walk away scotch free when we sin. Yes, we are forgiven and can have access to eternal life. But we still need to deal with the sins in our life. And, as is shown in Isaiah, that refining is necessary, but will hurt. We've become so addicted and adapted to our sinful ways (personally and as a human race), that turning from them and dealing with them is going to be painful and hard. But it's absolutely necessary to experience life in Christ.

Like other times, the basic concept of all this isn't new. But, I think I've gotten accustomed to expecting life to be relatively easy and for repentance to be as simple as telling God "I'm sorry". I made so many horrible choices this past summer. I've struggled with the same sins for years, knowing that they were trouble areas for me, without a ton of success in walking away from them. I think I'm starting to realize that after the choices I deliberately made to do the complete opposite of what I knew was right, I'm having to deal with them before I can move on in my life. In the past, I've just gone right along with life...making it really easy to forget about areas of sin that I struggle with and secretly hoping that God would too. This time is different. God has blessed me with some community here in Madison so far, but I think I need to use this time of "less" community to focus on myself and God. This past weekend with Janaque is a good example. I found a good friend...an extrovert like me. So what do I do? Spend hours upon hours with him. Even though it wasn't necessarily bad, it's easy for me to get caught up in hanging out with friends and not take any time for myself or God. And that's only going to get me right back to where I was this past summer.

I struggle with unhealthy boundaries with boys I'm attracted to, among many other things...so to rid myself of that struggle (or at least allow for God to work in that area), He has to cleanse me of those situations. And, as Tim said in the sermon, it's not fun and might even hurt. It sucks to have your best friends move away, to be plucked from a comfortable and familiar place, and to move to a place that is familiar but not at the same time. But, I trust that God has a land of nourishment for me on the other side of this desert. In the meantime, HE needs to be my nourishment so that I can learn to make God my nourishment at all times, whether I'm in a desert or not.

Last weekend, Miranda asked me what I liked about being back in Madison. My first response was the city itself...I love this city. Despite that though, I haven't done much to enjoy it since moving back. Sad day.

It was kind of a thought provoking question. I don't dislike living here. I've always loved Madison. But it's so different. I met my best friends in Madison. But, none of them live here anymore. The people I do still know are just acquaintances. I went to a Halloween party with some people from church this past Saturday. I knew a handful of people. It was fun to hang out and meet new people, but I was quickly reminded of how long I've been gone. Conversations with the people I did know only lasted a brief few minutes. After the general, surface-level questions, they quickly moved on to hanging out with people they were closer with. I tried to open up and have a good time, but it just didn't feel right. I was clearly the newbie outsider...and I felt like it. If I were in the same situation with friends from Milwaukee, that party would've been a blast.

I'm enjoying my Lifegroup through church and it's nice to have a small group of people to see every week. Sadly, the one person I've connected the most with is a guy (don't worry, not in a romantic way...I'm not attracted to him) who is moving back home to the East coast at the end of the month. It figures the one person I connect the most with and enjoy the most is leaving...it's pretty much the story of my life.

I don't know why I'm struggling with this so much. How many times have I moved in my life?? Almost too many to count. So I should know that transition always takes time. Why am I expecting community to happen instantly? Actually, I don't think that it was that I was expecting it to happen so quickly. I think it's just that I long for it so much. This in between transition time is so hard for me as an extrovert. It makes me miss my close friends all that much more.

I just wish I could speed up time...

Learning to be Content

I'm starting to realize it's hard for me to feel content with where God has me in my life. For a long time, I longed for a teaching job. Little did I realize God was just preparing me for one with 4 years of "less-than-ideal" (in my mind) teaching-related jobs. And now, despite having a great job that I love and am good at, I now have something else to long for...a relationship. I see (what seems like) everyone around me getting into relationships, getting married, and having babies. And my first reaction is one of envy and longing. I don't even want babies right now! Why do I care??

Instead of wanting what others have, I need to learn to be content (and thankful!) for what I have and where I am now. Otherwise I'm never going to be content with where I am in life...ever. Just like with my "less-than-ideal" jobs, they all served a specific purpose and prepared me for what was ahead. Could I have gotten more from those experiences if I had just learned (or let God help me) to be content in that season of life rather than worry? What can I get out of my season of singleness when I'm content with where God has me and focus on what God is trying to teach me?

I think partially why this is such a strong desire is because I have a romanticized idea of what marriage will be like. I've seen friend after friend get married. Their first response? "Married life is AMAZING!" Who wouldn't want to experience that if it's really that great? I also think it's partly because I'm longing for close community here in Madison. People that I know who are in relationships or are married always have someone to do something with. And more often than not, that significant other is someone with shared interests. I so badly long for someone to spend time with that enjoys the same things I do. Instead, I need to learn how to be content with what I have and where I am now. I need to learn how to say (and truly mean) that God is ENOUGH. All I need.

Getting married or teaching can't be my ultimate goals. Leaning on God and fully trusting Him need to be my goals. Those are things that will ultimately matter in life. God cares about our character and hearts, not what we accomplished.

Praying for peace...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Extrovert to the core

This past weekend, I had an amazing weekend. Possibly one of the best of my life!

Rewind.

Friday night: After a crazy Friday afternoon at school (we took the whole school to the Oregon homecoming parade!), I rushed to get the bare minimum ready for Monday and took off to Milwaukee. I picked Cassie up and we went to Turner Hall downtown to see Mat Kearney. When I bought the tickets, it said online that the concert was at 7:00. However, when we got there (right around 7), there was a big line out the door, waiting to get in. We quickly found out that the doors weren't opening until 7:30 and the opening act wasn't starting until 8:30. It ended up being perfect because I for sure thought we were going to be getting there right as the concert was starting. The tickets were general admission, so when we got inside, they had chairs and small tables set up throughout the hall. Cassie and I sat down in a couple of chairs, but quickly saw a small group of people standing up at the very front at the stage. It didn't take us long to decide that was where we wanted to watch the concert! To make a long, amazing concert short, we saw Mat Kearney from the very front and eventually got to shake his hand. Incredible.

Saturday night: On Saturday, my friends from Elmbrook Church in MKE, Reed and Sarah, got married. I wasn't sure who was going to be at the wedding because they know so many people from church and are the type of people that are friends with everyone. I wasn't sure where they made the cut-off. It ended up being kind of a random group of people, but it ended up being really fun. There were enough of my "closer" friends there that it was fun and wasn't the usual reminder of the fact that I'm single at yet another wedding. My friend Sevea and I ended up dancing the night away...and one of my favorite things is a good wedding dance! :)

Sunday: Miranda put her name in a lottery for Brewers playoff tickets a while back and was chosen to buy some! So, she and I went to the game on Sunday! On top of that, Anna was sitting 4 rows behind us with her fiancé and parents! Miller Park is one of my "happy places" just during a regular season game...imagine it during a playoff game!! It was one of the most incredible things I've ever been to! The energy in the park was absolutely insane! And on top of that, we won the game...so that was just a little bit cool. ;)

This weekend really reminded how much of an extrovert I am. Most people that I know would be burnt out by such a busy weekend. Instead, I was so energized by it! After being in a place where my social life, or people time if you will, has been significantly cut down, it felt so good to be around people I enjoy and who know me well. When I'm around those people in my life, I am so much more outgoing! I feel like the new people I have met here in Madison don't really know the "real" me. Not that I'm being fake with them. But when I'm around people I enjoy and know well, I come out of my shell so much more. I look forward to the day where I can feel like that around the people I've met here. It always takes me a bit when I meet someone to feel comfortable around them and like I can really be my "true" self. The girl who is crazy about sports and loves to yell and cheer on my favorite team. The girl who can quote Friends like it's my job and relate multiple situations a day to the show. The girl who loves being invested in, feeling needed and loved, and longs for deep meaningful relationships. The girl who loves having something to do with people.

I have noticed that each move has made this "warm up" time with new people shorter. When I first moved to Wisconsin in 6th grade, 4 previous moves had made me the shyest girl around. My best friend from high school would be the first person to tell you how long it took me to open up. Now, I wouldn't characterize myself as shy per say. For whatever reason, it just takes me a little bit to show people all sides of me. But, each time I have to do it, it takes a little bit less time.

The List

Miranda recently turned me onto this website called The Good Women Project. It's a website devoted to woman's issues, like singleness, image, and sexuality, and looks at them from a Christian perspective. September's topics have been about making the most out of singleness. I've heard about the concept before...using your single years to better yourself and grow closer to God while you only have yourself to worry about. Clearly, I haven't been very good at that. But what I love about this website is that "normal" women write articles about ways they've messed up, lessons they've learned, and challenges they face. This month, more often than not I'll read an article and think to myself "I'm not the only one who feels that way!" It's nice to know that I'm not crazy or weird for the feelings or struggles I have.

A couple of weeks ago, one woman wrote about not wasting the "wait" while being single. She suggested making a list of things you want to accomplish while you're single. That way, you're working towards goals (personal and "fun") rather than focusing on singleness or finding a relationship.

My first thought was "What in the world would I put on a list?? I have no idea what kinds of things I want to work towards!" But after thinking about it for a bit, I've come up with a couple of things. I'll probably add to the list as more come to me, but this is a start.

1. Climb another mountain - I climbed Camelback Mountain about a year ago and it was one of the most fulfilling, exciting things I've ever done. I'd love to do another one!

2. Hike the Grand Canyon - My family is talking about doing this next summer! It's been something I've always wanted to do.

3. Establish a regular "night of reflection" again - When I lived in San Diego for summer project in college, we spent one night a week as a night of reflection. It was a time to get away, forget about the stresses of life, and focus on God. Kind of like an extended quiet time. Last week, one of our pastors preached on approaching work from a state of rest. I'd like to be able to set aside an hour or two a week to forget about schoolwork and spend time reflecting on what God is trying to teach me. Otherwise, I end up working almost every hour I'm not sleeping...not healthy.

4. Buy a new car - This is kind of more of a necessity at the moment, but it would be pretty fulfilling to say that I worked and saved and was able to afford a new car, rather than get another used one to get me by for the time being.

5. Take a vacation - Now that Angela is living in Arizona, this one might not be so hard. But I'm going to make the caveat that it can't be a trip to visit a friend. A real vacation.

That's all I can think of for now. Like I said, if I think of more, I'll add them. These are more specific than the ones in the article online, but I'm the type of person that needs specific direction in order to feel productive. What things would you put on a list?

It's been kind of strange being back in Madison. Sometimes it feels like I'm just visiting (like I did when I lived here for a summer) and then I'll just head back to Milwaukee eventually. I'm going to Milwaukee next weekend for a concert and a wedding and just realized the other day that I have to actually find a place to stay. It's weird to think about.

The hardest part about being back is the community. I had such a great community here when I first lived here. Since then, my friends have either moved away or have gotten married. I feel like the new girl again. As an extrovert, it's hard sometimes. I don't have anyone to watch sports with (my roommates don't care for sports). I don't really feel like I have people I can call up to do something on a Saturday night. I joined a new life group here (bible study) but of course it's going to take some time before I feel connected to people. We're still in that awkward getting-to-know you phase. I tried texting one of my life group leaders, Nate, to see if he wanted to get a group of people together to watch the Brewers game (it happened to be the game we clinched the division...I had a feeling it would happen that night and I really wanted to see it)...I didn't hear back from him until after the game and instead, I listened to the game on the radio at home while doing schoolwork.

I just don't feel very connected right now. I sat by myself at church today feeling very alone. The few people I did recognize were there with their new spouse/significant other. Every time I move, this phase is always inevitable. I know it's going to take time to build up community again here. I think it's hard moving back to a city you once lived because I have so many good memories here with such good friends. It's hard being here without those people.

It's also made me miss the friends I have back in Milwaukee. I miss having people I could just call up to hang out on a random night. I miss having plans and things to do with people. Moving kind of shows you who your true friends are. There have been 2 instances already where people I know from Milwaukee have come to Madison for various reasons and didn't tell me or ask if I wanted to meet up with them. Is that what it's going to be like? I've already had people tell me Madison is "too far" to drive for whatever reason. That's hard for me to understand. I'm someone who is willing to go out of my way to see a friend. I guess we aren't all like that.

The extrovert in me is going crazy for some quality people time. "People time" at work doesn't count because it's just that...work. I have one roommate that is hardly ever here and that works an opposite schedule than me and another roommate who likes to keep to herself. I'm just praying that God brings along some solid connections for me here because I think I might otherwise go crazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing life alone.

Immeasurably more...

Since my whirlwind of a summer with Dan, I've tried to process a little bit why I end up in the same position with guys over and over again. I get caught up in them, despite seeing a red flag or two with them. I make bad choices with them. I end up hurt or sad in the end. Repeat.

With Dan, I knew he wasn't right for me. Yes, we got along well and I loved hanging out with him. He's a great friend. But, deep down I knew there were things about him that were bad for me to be getting involved with romantically. He was the first one where I knew 100% I shouldn't be involved with him and I did it anyway. I didn't even try to justify it or find good things about him to try to outweigh the "bad". I just deliberately went against what I knew was right because I didn't want to face reality.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I try to justify why it's okay for me to get involved with different guys, even when I know it's wrong?

I've decided it comes down to a lack of trust. I don't trust that God will provide someone better for me. Sure, I say that I believe He will. But deep down in my heart, I don't trust Him. At least my actions don't show that I do. Talk about a dagger in God's heart. Ouch.

It is REALLY hard for me to truly believe that there are decent guys still out there. I see everyone else I know finding them, but instead of believing there's still one out there for me, I think they're all being snatched up by my friends...leaving no one left for me.

If you look at my past history of boys, it makes total sense that I would think this way. Every guy that I've dated (however you want to define that term) looked like a "good guy" on the outside. But as time went on, he'd turn out to not be the good guy I thought he was. Every. Single. Time. But instead of dumping him when I find out or figure out he isn't as good as I thought, I hang on and try to justify why he "isn't that bad". That's when I let myself get hurt. I'm afraid to let go of what I've found because deep down, I don't know if I'll find someone better. Or at least someone better that likes me back. So I hang on, get myself in trouble, and ultimately end up hurting.

Some of this comes down to a lack of self-respect. Not only do I not fully believe there are still decent guys out there, if there was, I don't believe a decent guy would want to be with me. As a good friend told me, I don't believe God's truths about myself. For a while, I thought I was getting better at this. It's been a struggle for a long time. And I have gotten better. But obviously it's not a struggle that's conquered. I do know I have good qualities but do I really believe that I am a co-heir with Christ? That I'm fearfully and wonderfully made? That God delights in me more than the birds in the air or the flowers on the land? I only see the ways I've failed God. Repeatedly. Why should I be blessed with a wonderful husband?

Lucky for me, that's not what God sees. He covers us with grace every single time we mess up. He doesn't see us for our failures...He sees us in His image. I don't get it. I never will. It doesn't matter that I don't get it. I need to learn to live IN it. No matter what I think I deserve (or don't deserve). I need to learn to accept God's grace for me and live in complete faith. I'm done trying to take things into my own hands. I'm done being hurt by boys or my poor choices with them.

I'm not going to lie...it's going to suck. It's not fun to deny what your flesh wants. If I had it my way, I'd just throw caution to the wind and be with Dan (or some other guy that doesn't live in Texas...) and live it up. I enjoyed every second of my summer with him...I won't lie about that. But that kind of life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling as the life I'm learning to believe I will have if I follow after God. It'll be hard now but I'm trusting it'll be worth it in the end.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever." Ephesians 3:20-21

2 days down, 178 to go

The first two days of school have come and gone. And I'm still alive and able to write about it! :P

Our district has it so that 1/2 of each kindergarten class comes the first day of school and the other 1/2 comes the second day of school. It definitely made the first two days much easier! Part of me liked only having 11 and 9 kids at a time (for obvious reasons), but Tuesday with all 20 is going to be like starting all over. Tuesday is going to be like the first day all over again. Yikes.

Overall, I really like my class. They're all very sweet! I can already pick out the kiddos that will wear on my patience and the ones that will have a hard time following directions though. Nothing (hopefully) too bad. With some of the kiddos I've dealt with in the past, my kids this year seem very tame.

I'm really enjoying my coworkers! They're very different than the teachers I worked with last year (who I loved as well!), but I feel like I fit in pretty well. One thing I really love is how encouraging they all are. I still don't know who everyone is or everyone's name, but despite that, I'm always being asked how things are going and how I'm doing. I've also been told multiple times how great of a teacher I am...even after only the first day! It amazes me how much these people believe in me and how much potential they see in me so early on. It's very clear to me that this is something God has ordained because no other district or school I applied to in the past 4 years saw my potential and were willing to give me a chance despite not having a lot of full-time classroom teaching experience.

I feel like there is more I can tell you guys about the first couple of days, but my brain is so tired that it was hard for me to even write those last couple of paragraphs. I'll try to keep you guys updated. :)

grace and redemption

I really should be going to bed right now. Tomorrow is the first day I have to get up early-ish for work. I'm only meeting with the teacher I'm taking over for, so it's nothing too official, but I should probably be somewhat awake and alert. But, I'm a night owl and not the least bit tired.

So I mentioned in my last post about my life getting to a point where I wasn't making the best decisions. For some reason, I got to a point where I was having fun enjoying life...life my way. I let myself drift away from God. I was enjoying being in charge of my own life.

Rewind a bit. Around last January or so, I was at Jose's, a Mexican restaurant we would often frequent after Impact for drinks and free chips and salsa. It was actually only my second or third time joining the Jose's crew...I usually went to TGI Fridays after Impact. I was sitting on the end of one of the long tables we were seated at, sitting next to people I didn't really know. I was casually talking to a guy at the head of the table (we'll call him John...I don't remember his name). John worked at a cell phone store, so we were talking about my (relatively) new iPhone and my favorite apps. During our conversation, a guy joined us at the end of the table. I found out his name was Dan and he jumped right into our convo. Continuing our discussion, I mentioned that my Sports Center app was one of my most used apps, making it one of my favorites. Dan's eyes lit up and quickly asked me what teams I followed. After mentioning that I love the Packers, Brewers, and Badgers, his eyes lit up even more. Needless to say, he was impressed that a girl (who on the outside looked like a girly girl) was that into sports. We chatted for a few more minutes and then he left.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. I went with my friend Ryan to Mike's brother's band's concert (follow that? :P). Dan was there and started talking to me. Except that I didn't remember who he was. I recognized him, but he had to remind me where we had met. We started casually talking and quickly realized we had a lot of the same interests. Conversation flowed so naturally. I found myself feeling incredibly comfortable with someone I hardly knew...not something that usually happens for me. It usually takes me a while before I open up and feel comfortable around someone new. Once the concert started, Dan asked my friend Renee and me if we wanted go to the front and dance. Again, not something I would usually do with someone I just met. But, I went and had an absolute blast.

From March until about May, we only saw each other randomly at Impact or I'm Not a Pilot concerts (Mike's brother's band). It was also during this time that he told me he was planning on moving to Texas sometime in the summer. I was bummed to hear this because I was enjoying getting to know him, but we had just become friends so it wasn't anything too devastating.

In the beginning of May, Ryan had his annual Cinqo de Mayo party (this year it was on Siete de Mayo) and he invited Dan, who was slowly becoming part of our little friend group. Again, Dan and I had a blast hanging out, being silly, and dancing. I was really enjoying hanging out with him. Impact ended in May and our last official event was a Brewers game. Dan came to the tailgate (in the pouring rain!!) but wasn't going to go to the game. I eventually convinced him to go and we, again, had a blast.

Throughout the summer, we started hanging out more and more. Always in a group, but we'd go to movies, hang out at friends' houses, or watch Brewers games at the bar. Multiple times, after seeing a movie or hanging out somewhere, we'd end up chatting in the parking lot for hours after everyone else had left. We would just start talking and before we knew it, 2 or 3 hours had gone by...except those 2 or 3 hours felt like 10 minutes. Talking to him felt so natural and we had so much in common. In the back of my mind, a little voice kept reminding me that he was moving. But I was having so much fun with him and I didn't want to be reminded that he was leaving. I had found a great friend. He brought out a side of me that only occasionally comes out. A goofy, fun-loving, outgoing side. I had never laughed more than when I was with him. We could talk sports one minute, be laughing about something stupid the next, and then be talking about something serious even the next minute. I had never felt so connected to someone before.

One night mid-July, we decided to have a little party at Ryan's house. My friend Kristina had just lost her job and we decided that we needed to have a night where we just put life's stresses behind us. In the past, we've had to deal with friends driving home when they shouldn't have after drinking, so beforehand we decided to make it a sleepover so nobody was driving home after drinking too much. Dan of course was invited to this little party and not long into it, we decided to have a dance party. We'd had dance parties before, but this time Dan and I danced together. I tried not to think anything of it and went on just enjoying the night. Later in the night, I laid down on Ryan's futon and Mike and Dan decided to sit on top of me and tickle me. Mike eventually gave up, but Dan kept going. Before I knew it, he had leaned in and started kissing me. I don't know if it's the connection I was telling myself we had or if it's really the way he kisses, but his kisses are the best I've ever had. There was something about his kiss that made me weak in the knees. From that point on, I was hooked. I was trying to just see him as a friend, despite being attracted to him, because I knew he was planning on moving. But as soon as our friendship turned into something more, I threw it all to the wind. I no longer cared that he was moving. All I knew was that I really liked him and didn't want the kissing to end.

The next month became a fling with Dan. Many times when we hung out with people, we would find an excuse to sneak away alone. Then it turned into finding excuses to sleep over at each other's places. It quickly became a regular thing. And most times, it revolved around us drinking and then making not-so-good choices.

The sad thing is that I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was going to hurt in the end. I knew I was doing something that was disappointing God. But I wanted to do it anyway. I wanted to soak up every minute I had with him. I was enjoying living in a fantasy...where morals and real life didn't exist.

He moved to Texas a little over a week ago. I knew I was going to miss him, but some days it really sucks. Part of me misses him because of the girl in me that likes to feel wanted and attractive. But most of me misses HIM...who he his, the friendship we created, the connection we have. I miss his energy. I miss goofing around with him. I miss his sense of humor. Discussing the Brewers over text just isn't the same.

The hard part is that I know without a doubt that moving to Texas was the right thing for him. There are things in his life that he needs to work on and figure out, and he was just feeling in a rut in Wisconsin. It's also good for me that he's not here because if he were, it would've been much harder to stop the fling we got into.

One thing I've experienced since Dan left is God's unfailing and unmistakeable presence. I deliberately turned my back on God this summer. I made choices that I KNEW were sinful. And yet...God made Himself known to me, covered me in grace, and blessed me when I didn't deserve a darn thing. WHAT?! I don't understand it...I don't think I ever will. All I know is that even though my flesh wants Dan to come back and to be with him, God has something greater for me...for us. Both of us are in big transition periods in our lives and I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened at the peak of our little fling. Some days it's really hard to cling to the truth that God has something better for me. In my head, Dan is just what I wanted. But I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God and He will take care of me. It'll all be okay.

A New Adventure...Finally!!

I FINALLY got a teaching position!!! Albeit, it's a temporary position, but it's a teaching job nonetheless!! I'm taking over for a kindergarten teacher that is doing an administrative internship. So basically that means that she's pursuing becoming a principal and can do an internship for up to 3 years. Which means I could be teaching for her for up to 3 years. Or, after a year or two, I could pursue a more permanent position in the district and would have a pretty good chance of getting one (so I'm told). Either way, it's great experience!

This new job means yet another move. But the good news is that I'm heading back to the Madison area! Despite most of my close Madison friends being gone, I'm excited to head back to the city that I love. Not that I don't love Milwaukee...but it's nice that I'll be moving to a city I'm familiar with. I have a church there. I know where I can get plugged in. I still have a few acquaintances. I know where things are. I don't usually welcome a move like this, but I feel ready and excited for it. I've had a couple good friends move out-of-state within the past month and I think it'll be easier for me if I'm in a new place too. Being here without them just reminds me that they're gone. I also was getting into some not-healthy habits while living here. I started drinking a lot more. I got involved with guys that weren't good for me (more on that later). I think a change will be good for me.

I read my last few posts from the last year. It's interesting to see why God brought me through the waiting period with my job. This time last year, I was so frustrated with life. I couldn't understand why God would allow me to lose my kindergarten aide job (a job I loved) at the end of the summer. But then, He provided me with my literacy aide job...a job that taught me so much and has made me so much more knowledgeable. I feel ready and confident because of the jobs I've had thus far. It's amazing to look back at the last 4 years since graduating college and see how each job has built upon the last. I can see the reason God put me in each job. I can even start to understand why He made me wait. Granted, this coming year will in no way be easy. But, I definitely feel more ready than ever. More ready and more prepared than I would've been even a year ago.

I also feel like God totally went before me when I interviewed for Oregon. I walked away from it feeling like it went pretty well, but it wasn't any different than any other interview I've had in the past...interviews for jobs I didn't get. I even felt like I didn't do all that great and wasn't able to communicate the best at the 2nd interview. And yet, I was offered the job within 45 minutes of leaving the 2nd interview. My new principal is beyond excited to have me working at her school. She knows that I am a knowledgeable and talented teacher. I already feel comfortable and welcomed from the few people I've met. I know this was God-ordained. It came at a time in my life when I least deserved it (again...more on that later). And yet, it all feels almost too perfect (aside from having to move rather quickly). Nothing I've done should have my principal this excited to have me a part of her staff. God has paved the path long before I stepped foot on it. It's a shame I ever doubted.

I'm hoping to be better at blogging...especially now that I will be moving once again. I will be incredibly busy this year, but I'm hoping to use this as a chance to slow down and actually process life a bit. And maybe document a few funny kid quotes. :)

Stuck.

Last weekend was our family camping trip with my mom's side of the family. It was filled with hiking, games, playing with the kids, and lots of food like usual. The thing with seeing my extended family though is, because we only see each other a couple times a year, everyone always asks for an update on our lives. And I feel like everyone had something exciting or positive to report. My brother got a promotion. My sister finished school and bought my uncle's car. My mom and stepdad moved into their new house and bought a new car. Then it was my turn.

"Do you have a permanent job yet?"

Nope.

"Boyfriend prospects?"

Negative.

I have zilch to report.

My life is about the same it was last summer. And the summer before that. And the summer before that. You get the point. Besides being in a new apartment (which no one even asked about), I'm in the same place yet again. Single with an uncertain future.

It feels much harder this year. Everything. Being single. Watching my friends and family get married and have babies. Not having a teaching job. As Holly told me a few weeks ago with a big smile on her face, God must have some big plans in store. I choose to believe that with her. I don't believe God is a God that puts desires in us just for fun. I don't know how patient I can be though. I've never felt such an uneasiness inside me before. It's on the verge of being physically uncomfortable. It feels like my body wants to run but my legs can't move. Like I have all this energy but no way to get it out. I have these desires in me that just want to burst out of me...but I can't fulfill them. I'm stuck. I want my life to move forward...I'm ready to move on to the next phases of life...but I can't. I have absolutely no control over it. It's not a fun feeling.

In times like these, all I can do to move forward is to run towards God. That's easier some days than others. Some days I feel frustrated and upset. Other days, I'm thankful that God is putting me through this time to bring me closer to Him. It's just one giant rollercoaster ride. Rather than praying for a specific job, I've found myself just praying for peace. I know God will provide for me - I have to trust that in times like this. But He's my only source of peace. I can't find it anywhere else.

"A future awaits those who seek peace." Psalm 37:37b

Taking my life off pause

I have been avoiding things lately. My job future is uncertain. There are many things about me that need changing or working on. Instead of being proactive and doing something about the things I'm not happy with or stressed about, I shut my thoughts and emotions off. I keep myself busy so I "don't have time or energy" to work on things. Or when I'm not busy, I become a lazy blob with no motivation to do anything. I'm not quite sure why I shut myself off sometimes. I think it's because I get overwhelmed with whatever is going on or whatever I'm feeling. It's easier to shut down and just be than to deal with life. But where is that going to get me? Not very far.

I'm stressed (once again) about job stuff. This year with everything going on politically, I feel like (and have been pretty much told) my chances of finding a teaching job are next to nothing. But I have a God that can do anything and only wants the best for me...yet I'm not putting my faith in Him. I'm not living out what I say I believe. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. And then when I think about how I've messed up (and keep messing up), I feel like God won't bless me. I let Satan get in my head and let me believe God is disappointed in me. Which then leads me to not spend any time with Him because I'm ashamed for letting Him down. It's so stupid. I know in my head it's all not true, but I don't let my heart believe it. It's been a common problem for me. I hate feeling like I don't deserve anything. I see people around me getting into relationships, getting married, or getting their dream job and I think to myself that I don't deserve that. I haven't been putting God first in my life and I'm constantly messing up - why would He bless me and give me the things I long for? But that's what is so mind-blowing...He doesn't hold anything against us. It's hard for me to live like I believe that though.

I don't know why I let my head get in the way of my heart. It is something that is so hard for me. I know I can't do things on my own - yet I continue to try. I know I need to lean on God for support - yet I still find support elsewhere. It's going to take a lot to change the way I think and see things. But I'm ready to try. I'm tired of living my life on pause. I want to press play and change some of the things I know need changing. I'm tired of living like a hypocrite, saying I believe one thing, but living like I believe another. I don't want to turn my mind and emotions off. I want to experience the freedom and grace I have in Christ.

I'm back! Hopefully...

It's way too easy to neglect this little blog! I kept thinking that I should update it, but obviously that hasn't happened since the summer. Here's my attempt at updating you on my life since last August (although, hopefully I've talked to you sometime since then and none of this is new information...if people still read this, that is).

My job: A week or two after I found out I had lost my job as a kindergarten aide, I interviewed in Tosa for a literacy aide position. I ended up getting a full-time literacy aide position at Washington School...a school only a mile or so away from the school I was at last year. Basically, my job consists of me working one-on-one or in small groups with struggling readers in grades 4K-5, as well as supporting the teachers in the classroom during reading or writing time. It took some time to adjust to this new job and new school, but it's going well. The reading specialist that I work closely with is very scatter-brained and hard for me to work with. She's not well liked by the teachers in the school, so it's taken A LOT of patience to work alongside her. My schedule is constantly changing, so it took a while to get into the groove. At this point in the year though, I now know what I'm doing and feel confident. I love the staff at Washington. I love that I work with so many of them and from that, feel like many of them come to me with questions, concerns, or just to vent or joke around. As for next year, that of course, is up in the air. I'm fairly confident that my position will be available next year, which would provide a good back-up. I enjoy most parts of my job this year, but I still want to be in the classroom. There are 2 third grade teachers retiring from my school after this year (if their retirement requests are accepted), so that could be a possibility. I will also look for openings in others schools, both in the district and out of the district.

Relationships: At the end of October, I started dating a guy I met at my church's young adult group, Impact. He was new to Impact, and we started dating within a couple weeks of meeting. The relationship went really well...he treated me well and I had a lot of fun getting to know him and spending time with him. However, in the beginning of December, he decided we should break up. The biggest reason was because he's new to being a Christian and felt like that was a big area where we differed. He felt like he had a long way to go to be anywhere near where I am in my faith. He decided that he wanted to work on things in his life, and felt like he would only be holding me back if we kept dating. I was disappointed that the relationship ended so quickly, but I knew it was the right decision for him. We decided to be friends, but haven't really seen each other much since breaking up. We did email quite a bit after breaking up, further discussing the break-up and how we were both feeling. I feel good about things, and hope the best for him. I miss being in a relationship, but I feel like God brought Danny into my life to help me realize that there are things about me that guys like. I was kind of struggling with feeling like someone could like me for who I am after the whole Mike thing. But now, I'm feeling more confident in who I am and can say that I am beautiful and worth it.

Other: I've been living at home since the summer of 2009 and my sister and I finally decided it was time to move out. This week, we'll be moving to an apartment on the east-side of Tosa. I've always wanted to live down there. It has a small town feel, with lots of cute boutiques, restaurants, and shops all within walking distance. It also has a park and a river with a great biking/running trail also within walking distance. We're so excited to finally have our own place! I have also been trying to workout regularly, as well as watch what I eat (during the workweek anyway)...and have lost 8 pounds! I'm hoping to lose at least another 10 pounds eventually.

I think that's about it. I'm hoping to update this more regularly, so keep checking back! :)