my life is on repeat.

Last week, I went to the Edwards' lake house in Okoboji, Iowa for some relaxation and sun. I know what you're thinking...a lake in Iowa?? But, believe me, it's a gorgeous lake! Anyway, on my way, I got a phone call from my school district to set up a meeting with the head HR director. They wanted to meet while I was going to be gone, so I set up the meeting for this morning.

I wasn't sure what this meeting was about, but I didn't really expect what happened. Leading up to today, I had an uneasy feeling about it (I hated the unknown!) and even had 2 bad dreams about it. Looking back, I now know why. I found out today that they eliminated my position and are letting me go. Yes, after telling me in June that I was being offered my position for next year. I'm guessing they just wanted to cover their bases just in case they were going to need extra help...it's much easier to fire people than to hire new people.

If I want to stay in the district, I have 2 options: 1) be put into the sub pool and attempt to get a long-term sub job aside from daily subbing, or 2) apply and (hopefully) interview for one of three literacy aide positions. Two of these positions travels between two or three different schools (Lincoln is one of them, I believe...at least it was last year) and one will permanently be at one school. A literacy aide basically works one-on-one or in small groups with students that struggle with reading or phonics.

I told the HR director that I hope to be a classroom teacher someday and asked his advice as to what route I should take. He told me that the literacy aide position would probably be better because it's a steadier position (and includes benefits) and shows that I would be dedicated to helping struggling students. However, a long-term sub job would be good to land as well because it would allow me to make connections in other schools (reference-wise) and it would give me good experience teaching in a classroom on my own. I told the HR director to put my name in for both of those options. Additionally, I spent about an hour today applying for openings in other districts (full-time classroom teaching and long-term subbing).

Part of me isn't surprised this ended up happening. I kind of felt like keeping my aide job for a second year was too good to be true. And, let's face it, this has become the pattern of my life in the "real-world."

I am beyond frustrated right now. I'm sure God is using all of these experiences to better me in some way (patience, perhaps??), but seriously, c'mon!!! I have such a passion for teaching and I feel like it's the only thing I want to do with my life...it's just about all I've ever wanted to do since 4th grade. Why can't I just do what I love???? Seriously, what normal person gets excited about school supplies at Target and could spend hours at the Learning Shop? I don't understand.

I want to believe that God faithful and things will work out. I go through this every summer...and something always ends up working out somehow. But, when am I ever going to catch a break?! Why do I have to suffer through this every single year? I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day. I get it God...You're in control. What else am I supposed to do? Am I being punished for something? Is my faith lacking? I feel like things can't be going well in my life for too long before God brings something crashing down. I know I don't have it as bad as many people in the world, but that's just how it feels right now.

I just wish I understood...

I have always had a hard time with finding motivation to do things that don't seem so fun. It's easy for me to think of things in my life that I want to change, but finding the motivation to work on changing them and sticking to it is hard. I can't imagine I'm the only one who struggles with this.

I've been thinking about some things that I'd ideally like to change...

1. Get into a regular workout routine.

Last summer, I was really good about running at least 3-5 times a week. Once school started, it was squelched pretty quickly. It is so hard to find the energy to go to the gym after work...I don't feel like I work any harder at Lincoln, but for some reason I feel absolutely exhausted after work each day. So, I'm hoping to get into a good routine...maybe bringing workout clothes with me and going straight from work to the gym.

2. Eat better.

Lately, I've been really unhappy with how my body has gotten. I am the heaviest I've ever been and it makes me feel disgusting. I try to make healthier choices, but it hasn't been a huge priority yet.

3. Make God a bigger priority.

The book that I'm reading with Angela has challenged me to make God a bigger priority in my life. One quote in the book really struck me..."don't try to build Me into your life anymore. Instead, build your life around Me." I want to know what that looks like. I want to figure out what that can be in my life.

4. Focus on loving others more than myself.

Recently, I've realized that I can be very selfish, especially when I'm with my family. I want to get into the habit of letting go of myself and being more loving to others.

I'm sure I'll be able to think of more, but this is a start. I'm hoping I'll be able to think of specific steps and things I can do daily to help me make these things a reality. Ask me about these things...I'm going to need accountability.

You would think that summer would make it easier to post, but I've been terrible about keeping this up-to-date!

Angela and I decided to start a little "book club" this summer that will hopefully continue after the summer. For this first round, we decided to read the same book and discuss it after each chunk we read. She and I have mentioned feeling a little spiritually dry and struggling in the same ways recently, so I felt like this would be a good step to take. It allows us to hold each other accountable to spending time with God as we read this book and hopefully learn something at the same time. The first book we're reading is called When God Writes Your Love Story, which is obviously about relationships. We've only read the first few chapters, but so far it's really good. I feel like this is something I need to focus on right now...making God first and not worrying about relationships...or lack thereof. Yesterday marked the beginning of the crazy amount of weddings I'm going to this summer. It was an exciting wedding, but weddings are hard. It's just another reminder that I'm single. I see how happy the couple is and it just makes my heart literally hurt that I haven't experienced that yet. But this book is going to be good...I think it'll help keep me in perspective and encourage my heart.

Speaking of relationships (sort of), I had to decide who I wanted to invite as my date to my brother's wedding. When Mike and I were seeing each other, we talked a couple of times about going together. Since then, things have obviously changed and I wasn't sure if he was still wanting/willing to go (as friends, of course). I thought it would still be fun to take him because we have a lot of fun together and I'm determined to not go to my brother's wedding alone. So, I decided to ask him about it...except he's been spending a lot of time with Katie lately and I didn't want him going to my brother's wedding to cause drama. I already feel like Katie doesn't really like me or doesn't like that Mike and I are friends, and I didn't need to give her more reason to be mad. So I asked Mike if he still wanted to go, but I told him that if there's anything between him and Katie, I didn't want him going to the wedding to be a problem. His response was that he was going to ask her about it. At first I was going to let him, but after thinking about it and talking to a couple friends about it, I didn't feel right. I ended up telling him that if he's that involved with Katie and had to ask her permission to go, he probably shouldn't be going with me. He agreed. It was kind of a hard conversation to have. Part of me felt a little hurt because he's basically choosing someone else over me...the "other girl" won. And it's not that I even want to date him anymore....but as a girl, it's hard to let someone go like that and realize that he doesn't like you anymore. I'm especially frustrated because he told me he wasn't in a place to date anyone...but now he's seeing someone to the point where he has to ask her if he can hang out with me. I feel lied to. I feel like he's either afraid of commitment or he just didn't like me enough to pursue a relationship with me but he likes Katie enough to. All the more reason why I need to keep reading this book! Thank goodness for good girl friends...I'm taking Angela to my brother's wedding...way more fun than any stupid boy!!!

On one last note, my trip to Colorado with Jennifer is no longer. The cabin we were going to stay in isn't available in August, so we can't go. :( Sad day. I was looking forward to that trip...my one and only real vacation of the summer. But, maybe we can do it another time. I will conquer that mountain sometime in my life! :)

Well, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted...sorry! A lot has happened!

Right before school ended, I found out that my position at Lincoln Elementary as a teacher's assistant is available for next year! I didn't think it would be available because kindergarten enrollment is going down next year (at the end of the year, it was at about 22-23/class vs. 26/class last year) and there already is a 1st grade assistant teacher. But, the first grade classes are going to be at about 25-26/class (maybe higher if we get new kids before school starts, which is a possibility), with a few pretty needy kiddos. I haven't been assigned a grade level yet, but I think I'm going to move up to 1st grade with the kiddos from last year because of the needs and numbers. Then we'd probably just have one assistant per class. I still would like to have my own classroom someday, but after seeing how few openings there are and after 482 teachers from MPS were laid off and are now looking for jobs, I'm happy to stay in my position and have a job at all.

I also was able to snag a summer school position right before school ended. I was originally looking into helping out with special education this summer, but after some persuasion by me and a coworker, I was able to get a job assisting one of my Lincoln coworkers with her summer art classes. So basically, I show up for 4 hours a day and help kids paint. Not a bad gig! :)

In other news, I went to Madison last weekend and spent some time with Jennifer. It had been so long since we'd seen each other...I missed her! Anyway, we were catching up at Starbucks and she told me about how she wants to hike Longs Peak in Colorado before she turns 30 (at the end of August). After some discussing, we decided to do it together! The details aren't totally worked out, but we're tentatively thinking about going the week of August 8. Jennifer's family has cabins out there, so all we'd have to worry about is gas to drive out there, food, and anything extra we'd want to do. We would go out there and do a couple shorter hikes to get our bodies used to the elevation change and then we'd do Longs Peak in the middle of the week. The Longs Peak trail is about 7.5 miles one way and you have to start at 3 am to be off the mountain before the afternoon thunderstorms come. It sounds super intense, but exciting!

Kindergartenism #54:

Isabel: "We're having a Miley Cyrus singing competition."

Kelsey: "I'm really good at singing Miley Cyrus. I sound just like her. I can change my voice."

This isn't a kindergartenism, but it was something funny that my 4 year-old cousin Ainsley said last weekend:

Ainsley: "Naomi needs new pants."

Me: "Why?"

Ainsley: "Because she's a cranky pants!"

I'm feeling really defeated right now. I just received an email from the guy in charge of summer school telling me that there aren't any more openings for summer school. On Wednesday, we had a staff meeting and someone asked about whether they will be making another 1st grade class next year and my principal said it wasn't looking likely because we're losing 3-4 kids over the summer. I'm lucky to be able to apply to 1 teaching opening a week for next year.

This is how each summer has been the last 3 years, and yet I still feel anxious about job stuff. I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer on top of not knowing what I'm going to be doing in the fall. And, I need to be looking for apartments in order to possibly move out by the end of the summer. There are just so many unknowns and yet I need to be making decisions despite not knowing what I'll be doing. I have to have faith that God will make everything work out, but I'm not going to lie, it's hard to truly believe that sometimes.

Kindergartenism #52:

Grant: "It's hard for me to write with my right hand and it's hard for Aidan (his twin brother) to write with his left hand."

Me: "Grant, I just realized like a week ago that you are a leftie and Aidan is a rightie."

Kelsey: "I'm a bothie...I can do things with both of my hands."

Me: "Do you want to learn what that's called and impress your mom and dad? It's called being ambidextrous."

Kelsey: "Can you write that down? Sometimes it's hard for me to remember things. My brain is so big that sometimes things get lost in there. One time, I was at daycare and it was so windy that what I was trying to remember flew out of my head."

Kindergartenism #53:

We've been talking to the kiddos about ways to be safe. Yesterday, we talked about saying no to strangers, and we defined a stranger as anyone you don't know.

Ashton: "I know everyone."

So I applied in late February to work summer school in my district. At the end of April, we got a district-wide email that said they were working on summer school hiring and would be sending out contracts within the next few weeks. It also had an attachment that listed everyone in the district who applied for summer school. I checked, and I, as well as all of my information, was on the list. I waited and waited, and by the second week of May, I still hadn't heard anything about being officially hired. I emailed the guy in charge, asking when I could expect some information, and he replied by telling me I wasn't on the list. Since then, I've been waiting for him to get his act together and tell me if I will be teaching or not. I emailed him and told him I need to know ASAP so I can figure out my summer employment, but I still haven't heard anything from him in about a week. I'm very frustrated with the whole situation. Apparently, things have been very disorganized with summer school since he took over. If I can't teach summer school in the district, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm sure most districts are done hiring for summer school by now and I don't know what places would be looking to hire for only 2 months or so. Just another unknown to add to my life.

Kindergartenism #48:
Oscar: "It's going to be in the 80s today! And then it's going to rain the rest of the week. And then it's going to be 28 on Friday!"
Me: "28?! That's winter weather!"
Oscar: "Yep, 28."

Kindergartenism #49:
Ricki (a girl): "It's so hot! I wish I could take my shirt off. But girls have private parts under their shirts. They have belly buttons."

Kindergartenism #50:
Bella (while reading a book she wrote about her friends): "Kelsey...She is the bestest kid in the class. She always listens. She always tells me what to do...but I still like her anyway."

Kindergartenism #51:
Nora: "My dad hurt his back this weekend."
Me: "Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that. How did it happen?"
Nora: "He was riding his bike with his friend Derek. He fell off and hit his back."
Me: "Ouch I bet that hurt."
Nora: "Yeah, he broke a rib too. I have a real stethoscope at home, so I can check on him and make sure he's okay."

I have decided to make a summer to-do list. This summer will be the first summer in 7 years that I will be in Milwaukee and I realized that, despite growing up here for many years, there are many things I haven't done here. On Friday, I crossed the first thing off my list!

#1: Go on the Lakefront Brewery tour. May 21, 2010

This was probably the best $7 I've ever spent! You get 24 oz. of beer (4 6 oz. samples), an entertaining tour, and a free glass at the end! It was really fun and we plan on going many more times this summer!

Kindergartenism #46:
Harrison: "Look at this one. (points to something he's drawing) It's so awkward."
Ella: "What does awkward mean?"
Harrison: "I don't know."

Kindergartenism #47:
I don't remember who said this quote...
"Who were the first people in the world?"
"I think their names were Jack and Jill."

Since I last posted, my parents have decided to sell their house. It was always something that was looming in the future, but my mom stumbled upon a house she loves and jumped into moving mode. The time between when she found the new house online and when we had a realtor come to look at our house was pretty sudden. And not only that, but the new house is in Sullivan...about 45 minutes west of where we live now. My sister and I were given the option to move out there with my parents, but neither of us want to deal with that kind of commute. It would take my sister at least an hour just to get to school everyday in downtown Milwaukee. So, we have been talking about getting a place together. I wasn't planning on living at home past the summer anyway, but there are a lot of unknowns in my life right now (i.e. where I'm working next school year), so the thought of having to find a place by a certain time is a little stressful right now. Granted, it could be months before our house sells, but my parents want to have as much stuff out of our house as we can to make it look bigger and less cluttered. So, we'll see what this summer brings in that area.

The superintendent of my district brought up the idea of creating another 1st grade in my classroom at my school next year. We have 52 kindergarteners right now (26 in 2 classes) including a handful of pretty needy kiddos. Only 2 kids that we know of are not returning to the school next year which puts each 1st grade class at 25 for next year. And there are always new kids that register over the summer. So, if the class sizes get big enough, they might split into 3 classrooms, in which case, I told my principal I'd like to be considered for the position. It's not a guarantee and the decision probably wouldn't be made until sometime over the summer, but it's a possibility. In the meantime, i'm still watching the postings...which are very few and far between right now. I have to have faith though. I have to constantly remind myself that God totally provided a job for me this year when I thought all hope for one was lost. I have such a huge desire to teach in my own classroom and I have to believe that desire is put in me for a reason...and that eventually, in His timing, God will fulfill that desire as long as I continue to seek after Him.

Kindergartenism #44:
Kelsey: "I was born without patience."
Me: "No patience?"
Kelsey: "Nope...I just can't handle it."

Kindergartenism #45:
In a reading group, I was discussing r-controlled words (words with -ar) with the students.
Me: "Can anyone think of another -ar word?"
Grant: "Bernard"
Me: "Oh yeah, the boy's name."
Josh: "Bernard? Like the store?"
Me: "Store? I don't know a store named Bernard."
Josh: "You know...(sings) Save big money at Bernards"

Kindergartenism #43:
Me: "Does anyone know what the black circles in your eye are called?"
Brian: "Pimples!"

Freedom.

I love how the Lord knows how to comfort our hearts when we need it most. This week was difficult at times because of everything I've been feeling about the Mike situation. I've felt hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, pushed aside, inadequate...the list continues.

On Wednesday, I went to Impact with a very heavy heart. On the verge of tears (if you know me, you know this is pretty significant because crying is rare for me), I just laid everything at God's feet. I tried to focus on Him rather than worrying about Mike. As a result, I felt so uplifted. The message was the last in a series studying Exodus. We had messages on bondage, liberation, and wilderness leading up to it and on Wednesday we talked about freedom.

Freedom. Freedom from the things that weigh us down. Freedom from the bondage of sin. Freedom from pain...sadness...heartache.

Benj (the Impact intern giving the message) talked about how the Israelites experienced freedom when they reached the Promise Land. In the same way, we experience freedom through Christ. He pointed out how we became cursed by the fall in Genesis but in Revelation it talks about how the curse will be lifted when Jesus returns. He pointed out all the things we will experience..."God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:3-4). He then talked about how we can experience all of those things in Jesus. Just like heaven will come to earth when Jesus returns, those things of heaven can come to earth now through Jesus.

None of what I heard on Wednesday was new information to me. I've heard it all before. But it was like God opened my eyes to it in a different way. It was like all of a sudden, it just made sense. I saw the connections in Genesis and Revelation and understood how that's relevant to us now through Jesus. I've always known that we can experience good things through faith in Jesus, but I never fully realized that we can experience HEAVEN on earth...Jesus made that possible for us. Instead of yearning for the day I can experience heaven, I can experience those things now. It seems like something so obvious...but it finally hit home.

I tend to dwell in my pain and hurt, and wish for the day that things are different. But this week, I realized the extent of what I have in Jesus. Dwelling on the obstacles in life only make them seem bigger. Staring at a mountain from the bottom makes it seem huge. But when you compare a mountain to the rest of the world from above, it's tiny. In the same way, dwelling on Jesus and who He is will make the obstacles in life seem much smaller. Duh! It only took me how long to realize this?

When I left Impact on Wednesday, I felt so incredibly uplifted. Why dwell on this stupid situation with Mike? In the words of Jill Briscoe this morning at church, "It is God that determines whether I'm worthy." I can't let any boy (or any person for that matter) try to determine my worth. I am so blessed with the friends and family in my life, and I am blessed with who God made me to be. I'm SO tired of letting other people determine my worth. I've spent so much time yearning to feel loved and dwelling on things like being single or feeling lonely, that I have completely left God out of the equation.

My friend Joshua said it best this week at bible study: "Sometimes God doesn't fulfill our desires until we desire Him more."

So that's what I want to try to do...desire Him more. It won't be easy and there will be days that I won't have the motivation to try, but it will be so worth it...

freedom.

Kindergartenism #42:
Gavin: "Miss Hansen, did you know hand sanitizer kills 100 billion percent of germs?!"

I have an interview tomorrow for Tosa. It's a preliminary interview where I'll meet with some principals (not sure how many) and they'll ask me 4 questions. If they like me, I'll be asked for a second interview for a specific opening. I'm overall feeling pretty good about it. This year has helped me learn what things the district is looking for and puts emphasis on.

Last Sunday went pretty well when I went to Ryan's to play Settlers with Mike and Katie. I was feeling a little better about it until last night when I showed up to team trivia...and saw Mike had invited her. Not only that, but I felt almost invisible to him despite sitting next to him. I do have some feelings of jealousy, but I think part of my struggle is that I feel like our friendship is different when she's around. He doesn't talk to me like he used to...he's usually focused on her and even seems slightly annoyed with me sometimes. Ugh, I hate feeling this way. I didn't enjoy trivia at all last night and mostly focused on the Brewers game on the TVs when we weren't discussing a question. I just wanted to go home. It's going to take time and lots of strength through God to get through this. Thank goodness I have other wonderful friends that are so loving and supportive...even if they don't know what's going on.

The last few weeks...

It's been a while since I've posted anything significant on here. I mean, kindergartenisms are important and all, but they don't really keep anyone updated on my life...and that was the original intent of this blog. ;)

Life has had ups and downs the past few weeks. I actually have been putting off blogging to avoid processing some of the things going on...so healthy, right? Where to start?

A couple of weekends ago, I went to the spring retreat with Impact, the young adult group at my church. It was a random mix of people - many of whom I didn't know at all - but it was a good time. The speaker ended up being a guy named Bob, who turned out to be my friend MK from Madison's boyfriend...and she came with him! What a small world. It was really fun to see her. Bob talked about how we can write a better story for our lives. He challenged us to look at our lives and find the things (sin, idols, challenges) that hinder us from walking closely to God. It was easy to find many things I need to work on in my walk with God. There have been things in my life that I've struggled with for a long time that I haven't been able to change...or haven't tried hard enough to change, I should say. But he reminded us that God is the God of the impossible...there is nothing He can't get us through. The various things I struggle with all stem from one area in my life I need to improve...meeting with God regularly. I went through a phase in college where I felt so close to Him and I had regular quiet times. Since college, it's been a struggle for me to "fit" God into my busy schedule...but it's not because I don't have the time. I don’t make it a big enough priority in my life. I’ve taken a couple small steps to work on that...we’ll see how it goes. Please hold me accountable to this...that’s something I need more of in my life.

Last Friday, I found out that the 2nd grade opening at my school is going to be filled by another person from my school. I was trying not to bank on me getting that job, but it was a big possibility. When I heard the news, my heart sank. The reality of having to leave yet another school (a school I’ve come to really love) and go through yet another job transition struck me. I’m disappointed...frustrated...anxious to just settle down and keep a job for more than a year. I know in my head that God has something planned for me next year. It’s just a matter of making that head knowledge true heart knowledge too. It’s hard to not feel frustrated and worried about next year. I have applied to a couple of openings within my district, so I’m hoping I have more of a chance now that I’ve worked in the district for a year. In case it doesn’t, I’ve also started applying to openings in other districts. I’ll keep you updated.

And finally, Mike stuff. It wouldn’t be my blog without something about that kid. I finally felt like I got to the point where I was happy just being friends with him. There were things I saw in his life and character that made me realize he wasn’t someone I should be dating. We continued to hang out as friends and I was having a blast because I wasn’t worried about feelings. He went on the retreat a couple of weeks ago too and met a girl there named Katie. On the drive home, I was trying to sleep in the backseat while he and our friend Ryan talked. I wasn’t fully asleep (which Ryan apparently knew but Mike must have thought I was asleep) so I heard him tell Ryan that he thought Katie was really cute. They talked a bit about her and whether she could “keep up” with Mike (as he put it). My heart fell to my stomach. So much for feeling “over” Mike. Things didn’t really change between Mike and I for a couple of weeks after the retreat though, so slowly I forgot about the whole Katie thing. Last night, our friends Jenny and Tory had a birthday party and Katie came. Mike realized she was there and talked to her for the majority of the night. I could tell he was really into her. Later tonight, I’m going to Ryan’s to play Settlers with Mike and some other friends...including Katie, who was invited by none other than Mike. Why do I care so much??? He’s not someone I should be dating or even interested in. Ryan and I had an interesting talk last night after the birthday party..he told me that when Mike and I were “seeing each other”, I wasn’t the only girl he was interested in or even spending time with. I never really knew that, but it really didn’t surprise me. Still, it really hurt to hear. There are so many things about him that frustrate me...yet I can’t completely get over him. Despite those frustrations, we have such a good time and he makes me feel really happy when I’m around him. He gives me attention and makes me feel important to him and I like that...that is, until last night when he was with Katie. Now I just feel sad. I feel like I’m something that has faded and something new and shiny came along. I shouldn’t be interested in someone who is interested, or even pursues, multiple girls at once. There are other things about him and his life that are red flags...yet that doesn’t change how I’m feeling. He’s become a big part of my life and a friend that I’ve come to care about. But, I’ve realized that I need to learn how to find my identity in Christ rather in a guy...or anyone for that matter. I need to learn how to not let someone’s opinion of me or actions toward me affect what I think of me. Rather than letting this whole Mike thing make me feel unlovable or hurt, I need to learn how to be confident in how God sees me and how He has made me. I am PERFECT in God’s eyes...no one should ever make me feel less than that. So much easier said than done...

Kindergartenism #41:
The kids were making mothers day booklets where they had to finish different sentences. One of the sentences was "My mom is the best __________."

This was Ryder's sentence:
My mom is the best lover.

Mrs. Thaker: "Umm..Ryder, what do you mean by that?"
Ryder: "Because she loves me a lot."
Mrs. Thaker: "How does she show you that she loves you?"
Ryder: "She hugs me a lot."
Mrs. Thaker: "Ok, let's write that instead!"

Kindergartenism #40:
Brian: "You know how adults have a 4 pack?" (points to his stomach...I think he meant 6 pack)
Me: "Yeah..."
Brian: "I have a 2 pack!"

RIP Miriam

This afternoon, I went to my friend Peter's cello recital downtown. It started at 3:00 and after driving around to find a parking spot, it was 3:05. So, as soon as I found a spot, I bolted out of my car and started running 2 blocks to the building where the recital was being held. As soon as I got there, it dawned on me that I had left my GPS (named Miriam) turned on and attached to my windshield. I couldn't go back because I already had walked in to the recital late...in between movements of one of his pieces...in front of the whole audience.

After the recital, I decided not to go out to dinner with everyone because I had come down with a sore throat earlier this afternoon and just felt like going home and relaxing. I walked to my car...only to find my front passenger window shattered and Miriam gone. They also apparently went through my center console, but didn't take anything else.

It's sad that Miriam is gone. It's annoying that I have to get yet another window in my car completely replaced. But, I'm trying to keep my mind in perspective.

My car wasn't stolen.
My mom is an insurance agent and knows people at an auto glass company who can get me a new window for only $100.
My stepdad can fix the window himself.
I wasn't hurt.

Miriam is just a thing. She was a nice convenience, but in the grand scheme of things, she's not something that was essential to life.

I just need to remind myself of those things...especially when I look at Bullet's sad window wrapped in plastic wrap...again.

Kindergartenism #39:
Nora: "Shelby, I love you. You're so cute. You look like a little turtle." (Turtles are Shelby's favorite animal, so I think this was supposed to be a compliment. :P)


Well, this is it. Wedding season. It's looming in the near distance.

Usually, I have 1, maybe 2 weddings each wedding season. The grand total so far this season...5. Not just any 5 weddings...my brother's as well as a few good friends'.

Did I mention that it's my younger brother getting married? Oh, and that I will be the only person in my family (siblings, cousins, etc.) at the wedding that's single?

I'm excited for everyone that's getting married. And I'm even looking forward to the weddings because it'll be fun to see everyone. But it'll be 5 more reminders that I'm single and nowhere near getting married.

I know God has a plan for that area of my life. And I know that it'll be better than anything I can imagine. But some days it's hard to be patient. Especially when people around me don't have to wait anymore.

I'm thankful that I still have a handful of good friends that are single. They remind me that I'm not alone and they help me not think or worry about being single.

Kindergartenism #37:
Marie: "Oh man, my backpack is so heavy today!"
Me: "What's making it so heavy?"
Marie: "Well, I have an extra pair of gloves and an extra hat in it today."

Kindergartenism #38:
Evelyn: "Public school means you can't come to school with no clothes on."
Me: "What??"
Evelyn: "Public school means you can't go to school naked."
Me: "You can't go to any school naked!"

On Monday my principal observed me teach a whole group literacy lesson. My intention is that he'll have a good idea of my teaching style and strengths when I interview for the 2nd grade opening at my school. I thought it went pretty well. I was a little nervous when he first came to the classroom, but once I started teaching, I completely forgot he was even there. He told me he wants to type up what he saw and then meet with me soon. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say!

Mike decided not to take the job in Green Bay. He said that his heart just wasn't in it and he was dreading it before he even decided to take it. I'm excited he'll be staying in the area. For now, he's going to keep working at the running store because they've told him there's the opportunity to do management, as well as possibly website design or marketing. He'll be a fun buddy to have around this summer!

I saw Mike tonight at team trivia. Our friendship is so interesting. We're flirty with each other, but I don't expect anything or let it affect my heart. It's almost just naturally how we interact together...I can't really explain it.

Mike had 2 interviews for a job in Green Bay in the last couple of weeks, and was finally given an offer. He's been thinking, praying, and processing this decision for the last week and told me tonight he's 80% sure he's going to take it. It's either take the job (in the field he wants to work in and has a passion for) in a city he doesn't want to live in, or stay in the city he loves and sell running shoes (not a field he has a passion for). Naturally, he's leaning towards following his passion. I don't blame the guy. I did that when I moved from Madison to Milwaukee before I felt ready. It turned out to be the best thing for me...after the hardest year of my life.

I want him to pursue his passion. I want him to have the opportunity to do what he loves doing. But, to be honest...I don't want him to leave. I love having him here. We have so much fun. He's fun to be around. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel important. He's become a really good friend and I will miss him terribly if he leaves. And I honestly mean that just as a friend.

I hate change. Anyone who knows me well knows my whole life has been about change, and I'm ready for it to end. But unfortunately, change is a part of life and I have to accept it. I hate that friends come and go in my life. I hate that people I once felt close to feel distant now. But, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that God has put certain people in my life at certain times for a reason. It may be just for a season or it may be longer...but each person plays a role. And I've noticed that God also has put the right people in my life at the right times. He knows what I need in my life and hasn't failed to provide that. I just need to remember to trust His timing and learn to let go if it's time for a friend to move on...as hard as it may be.

Kindergartenism #35:
The kiddos were posting signs in the classroom and hallway in hopes to catch a leprechaun. One of the signs read: "God in our room!!!" He was trying to say "Gold in our room!" :)

Kindergartenism #36:
Mrs. Thaker: "What are some things that humans need in order to live?"
Various children: "Food." "Water." "Shelter."
Liam: "Cell phones."

Kindergartenism #34:
Me: "What are you doing Josh?"
Josh: "I'm just getting a drink because my hand hurts."

Kindergartenism #33:
Me: "Today is Dr. Suess' birthday. How old do you think he is?"
Josh: "20!"

I have found some great friends through church/HUB (bible study)/and Heritage here. We've had great laughs and many fun moments. I'm very thankful for them.

If it weren't for some of those friends, I'd feel lost and alone right now. Even with those friends, I still sometimes feel like that. Aside from my small group of "closer" friends here, I feel a little like an outcast, specifically at church/HUB. One girl stopped speaking to me because she had expressed an interest in Mike right before he and I started spending time together. Apparently I've ended up back in high school somehow...

And then sometimes I just feel invisible. I went to Heritage's spring play tonight with some people from my HUB and they hardly talked to me. I just sat there like an extra wheel while they all talked to each other. At one point, we were standing in a circle talking after the play and people moved in front of me and shut me out of the circle so I wasn't a part of it. Unintentional, I'm sure (at least I hope...), but still a little hurtful.

Last weekend, my friends were invited to multiple events by people from church...I wasn't invited to anything.

Am I boring to people? Harsh? Do I say things that make some people not want to try to get to know me more? I don't understand...

I like to be liked by people. I like feeling part of a group. I like being included. When that doesn't happen, it hurts and I don't understand why I'm not. Not only by people I'm not as close to, but even by people I consider close friends. And then I feel like if I didn't initiate any phone calls or conversations with friends, I would never hear from some of them. My close friends or even friends from church all talk to each other, but I'm left feeling out of the loop. Forgotten. Lost in the shuffle.

I think that's a big reason I latched on to spending so much time with Mike. It was someone that found an interest in me and liked spending time with me. And to be honest, I like that he still pays attention to me when we hang out...even just as friends. He's someone who includes me...doesn't forget about me...genuinely enjoys being around me. It makes my heart feel good. Not in a romantic way...just in general.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something that sends people around me a signal not to get close to me. If you're reading this and have any insight on this, I'd appreciate it because I'm completely clueless.

I don't want my self-worth to solely be based on what others think of me. But, how others perceive me is still important. I want to know if I'm doing something that keeps people at a distance...good friends and acquaintances alike. I'll let you know if I figure anything out...

Okay, so this isn't a kindergartenism, but it was a funny story a second grade teacher shared the other day in the lounge:

A second grade class was in the computer lab and the librarian was showing them a website about animals. There were multiple animals to click on and the librarian asked the class which animal she should click on. A student blurts out "A fricken elephant!" The librarian scolds the student for using the word "fricken" and then the second grade teacher pulls the student out into the hallway to talk to him. After scolding the student again for blurting out and using an inappropriate word in school, she asks the student why he did it (this student is usually a really well-behaved kid). With a worried look on his face, the student replies "I meant to say African elephant!!" Haha!

I have not been doing a good job of writing down the latest kindergartenisms! Or for keeping this updated for that matter...

Kindergartenism #31:
Me (working one-on-one with students): "Alright, we're done Oscar. Can you get Shelby next?"
Oscar (skipping down the hallway): "YES!! I get to get the girl I'm going to marry!!"

Kindergartenism #32:
Me: "Can you get Ella next?"
Josh (rolls his eyes): "Oh great."
Me: "What's the matter?"
Josh: "Ella is my arch enemy!"
Me: "Well, I think you can handle telling her to come out into the hallway."

Well it's been a couple weeks since I last updated. I'll try my best to update the last few weeks of my life.

Mike and I are just friends at this point. I don't see it being anything other than that. And I'm actually okay with that. We've become pretty good friends over the last few months and I've just been enjoying that. He interviewed for a job in Green Bay that went pretty well, so it's a possibility he may be moving in the near future. He doesn't want to move so he's going to try to still look for something around Milwaukee, but he may eventually have to go where the jobs are. I've been trying to process in my head and heart where I'm at and how I'm feeling about everything. I honestly am feeling okay with where things are at. With the possibility of a move for Mike, I'm thankful we never got into a relationship. I'm not ready for anything long-distance...that's not what I want right now. And while I've enjoyed hanging out with him as friends, there are little things about him that I'm unsure about in terms of someone I want to date. So, for now, I'm having fun being his friend.

My job is going well. It's getting to the point in the year where the kids are restless and crankier, so it's been stressful at times. I found out a few weeks ago that there is a 2nd grade teacher at my school that is retiring after this year. So, I told my principal that I'm interested in her position and asked him to observe me teach sometime. I have a pretty good foot in the door for this position, but they have to post the opening to the entire district and I'll have to interview for it along with everyone else interested. But my principal will do the hiring, so I have a good leg-up.

I'll try to be better about keeping this updated!

Kindergartenism #29:
Logan (in art class at 2:30 pm): "It's 8:00...it's almost time to go!"

Kindergartenism #30:
Lauren (in art class): "Miss Hansen, can you write 'picture by Lauren W. Art Class 2010' in cursive?"
Me: "Sure. Why?"
Lauren: "I want my picture to be in a museum someday! It has to be in cursive because adults are going to read it."

Kindergartenism #28:
Me: "Neighborhoods can have restaurants, too. What restaurants are in our neighborhood?"
Kelsey: "The Chancery! I know why they call it The Chancery."
Me: "Why?"
Kelsey: "Because it gives you a chance to spend time with people you like!"

It's 9:30 pm and all I want to do is go to sleep. I feel like that's all I've wanted to do the past few days. I have been just exhausted. When I go to bed, my body feels dead...like it hasn't had sleep in days. And even after going to bed early and attempting to get more sleep, I'm still exhausted the next day. And for no real reason either...my schedule this week has been no different than any other week. It's even been exhausting socializing with people. Usually I love seeing friends and it's something that energizes me. But this week, it's been hard to muster energy to be social.

Something isn't right, but I don't know what...

When my heart is breaking, I will never leave Your hands...

Mike and I had another "us" talk last week. I wasn't really surprised by what he said...but it was good to hear him say it.

Basically he said that because he's unemployed and doesn't know what his life will look like in the near future, he feels like he can't commit to a relationship right now. He enjoys hanging out with me and still would like to do that...but that's all it will be. I then tried explaining that while I also enjoy hanging out with him, I need to look out for my heart. I'm a girl so my heart gets involved pretty easily.

I felt really good after our conversation. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because Mike brought up the subject, so I didn't need to worry about trying to initiate the conversation. And I didn't need to wonder what he was thinking or feeling. I don't have to try to interpret his words or actions because I know where he's at. I felt really good about the whole situation over the weekend.

Last Monday, he decided to come to my HUB group (bible study). He has family night every other week, so he decided to start coming to our HUB on the off weeks. For some reason, that night was hard. I'm glad I got to see him, but my heart felt heavy. It was hard for me to watch him talk to other people when he and I hardly got to talk.

After doing some processing the last few days, it's becoming a harder reality to swallow that there's this guy that is interested in me (and that I like too), but can't/doesn't want to date me. I really like him and it's hard some days to remember that I'm not with him when I see him. I had the closest taste of a relationship I've had in the past 7 years and I just long to be loved by someone. It felt so good to have someone pay attention to me and be interested in me. But it hurts to think that I can't be with him. I want to trust God that I will have that again someday, but it's hard. So hard. Why did He put me through all this with Mike? It's like giving a child a taste of an ice cream sundae, but then telling him he can't have any more. My friend Gracia helped me look at it from a positive point of view the other night. She said that maybe God just wanted me to know that I am lovable by others (guys) and that He has something great planned for me. That was uplifting. That thought helps me get through the tough parts. On Wednesday, I went to Impact at my church and sat behind Mike. I found myself looking at him and focusing on him, so I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see him and focused on God and the words we were singing. I need to do that more.

Kindergartenism #26:
Me (referring to Kelsey's shirt that says "Champion Talker"): "Do you think your shirt is true?"
Kelsey: Oh yeah! I'm the biggest champion! Well, in my family anyway."

Kindergartenism #27:
Raziel and I were reading a book together about animals and their babies. The last page showed 2 human babies, which somehow caused Raziel to blurt this out.
Raziel: "When I grow up, I don't want a honey."
Me: "A honey? What do you mean?"
Raziel: "A honey to marry."
Me: "You don't want to get married? Why not?"
Raziel: "I don't know."

A lot has happened since I last posted. Mike and I have started consistently seeing each other for the past 3 weeks, many times 3 or 4 days in a row.

As we spent more time together, we started acting more like a couple. He first started kissing me the day before New Years Eve. He started holding my hand and putting his arm around me. We would cuddle on the couch when we watched movies. So after a couple days of this, I decided I needed to ask him where we were headed. Basically, he said that he doesn't like to put a label on feelings. He told me that he really likes me and has really enjoyed hanging out with me. I told him the feelings were mutual...and that was the end of the conversation. I left feeling like I could've said so much more. And I didn't really feel like anything was defined...which I suppose happens when someone says they don't like labels. He's been engaged before, so I really don't blame him for not wanting to jump into something defined right away. It's only been 3 weeks (2 weeks when we had the conversation) and he's clearly making an effort to see me. The week I went back to work, we still saw each other 5 days of the week. The change that I did notice was that we spent considerably less time "alone" all week...we mainly saw each other in group settings. He made it a point to invite me to these events or to make sure I was going...but we didn't have much time to ourselves. As a result, he's seemed to back away a little. He hasn't kissed me in over a week. Not even a little peck. Part of me thinks that maybe he felt like we rushed into things too quickly and backed away as a result. If that's the case, I totally support it...I just wish I knew for sure. I'm left sort of confused because he still wants to see me a ton, but he's not as intentional about showing affection...especially around our mutual friends.

I felt torn about what to do for a few days. I had some friends telling me that the fact he doesn't want to define or label anything isn't fair to me and that I need to ask him about it again. I had my family constantly wanting to know our "status". I had another circle of friends telling me to just be patient and enjoy the stage we're in. If he's not wanting to or ready to define anything, pushing him to discuss it will only push him away. I've decided to just be patient. While the girl in me is dying to know what he's thinking or feeling and to have a "defined" relationship, it has only been 3 weeks. We're still getting to know each other. His life is kind of up in the air as far as his job. I'm going to wait it out another couple of weeks and see how things go before trying to bring it up again.

This whole "dating" thing is all so new to me. I don't really know how things are supposed to work. Which is why I think I dwell on it so much. But I'm learning that there isn't a "right" way to do things when it comes to dating. The only "right" thing I can do is be myself. He's told me that he likes me and clearly he still enjoys spending time with me. I'm going to continue to be myself and see where things go. I've realized that I need to let go of the urge to control the outcome. God is in ultimate control. If both Mike and I are prayerful about the whole situation, it will work out the way it's supposed to. And I need to trust whatever that outcome is.