Kindergartenism #33:
Me: "Today is Dr. Suess' birthday. How old do you think he is?"
Josh: "20!"

I have found some great friends through church/HUB (bible study)/and Heritage here. We've had great laughs and many fun moments. I'm very thankful for them.

If it weren't for some of those friends, I'd feel lost and alone right now. Even with those friends, I still sometimes feel like that. Aside from my small group of "closer" friends here, I feel a little like an outcast, specifically at church/HUB. One girl stopped speaking to me because she had expressed an interest in Mike right before he and I started spending time together. Apparently I've ended up back in high school somehow...

And then sometimes I just feel invisible. I went to Heritage's spring play tonight with some people from my HUB and they hardly talked to me. I just sat there like an extra wheel while they all talked to each other. At one point, we were standing in a circle talking after the play and people moved in front of me and shut me out of the circle so I wasn't a part of it. Unintentional, I'm sure (at least I hope...), but still a little hurtful.

Last weekend, my friends were invited to multiple events by people from church...I wasn't invited to anything.

Am I boring to people? Harsh? Do I say things that make some people not want to try to get to know me more? I don't understand...

I like to be liked by people. I like feeling part of a group. I like being included. When that doesn't happen, it hurts and I don't understand why I'm not. Not only by people I'm not as close to, but even by people I consider close friends. And then I feel like if I didn't initiate any phone calls or conversations with friends, I would never hear from some of them. My close friends or even friends from church all talk to each other, but I'm left feeling out of the loop. Forgotten. Lost in the shuffle.

I think that's a big reason I latched on to spending so much time with Mike. It was someone that found an interest in me and liked spending time with me. And to be honest, I like that he still pays attention to me when we hang out...even just as friends. He's someone who includes me...doesn't forget about me...genuinely enjoys being around me. It makes my heart feel good. Not in a romantic way...just in general.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something that sends people around me a signal not to get close to me. If you're reading this and have any insight on this, I'd appreciate it because I'm completely clueless.

I don't want my self-worth to solely be based on what others think of me. But, how others perceive me is still important. I want to know if I'm doing something that keeps people at a distance...good friends and acquaintances alike. I'll let you know if I figure anything out...