This week was kind of hard. Nothing new has happened. I'm just really struggling with not talking to Janaque in now a month. Some days are fine. Some days I feel sad. I honestly have tried to not think about him and have tried my best to move on. Whatever that means. But it has gotten to the point where I still cannot go a day without thinking of him. Sometimes something reminds me of him. But usually, he literally just pops into my head for no reason. I'll be busy at work or hanging out with friends and all of a sudden, there he is. And then I go back to missing him. How am I supposed to move on when that happens??
This whole not talking to him is torture. I don't just feel like I lost a guy I really cared about. I feel like I lost a very good friend. I HATE not knowing what he's doing or how things are going for him. And all the not knowing makes my mind think all the things I fear. He's moved on. He just told me all those reasons for breaking up just so he didn't have to be tied down to me. He's realized that he's able to go on without talking to me and being friends with me. They go on and on.
When I feel like this, it makes it VERY difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can tell myself over and over that God has a plan and it'll all turn out okay down the road. But telling myself that doesn't always fix my heart. Some days I still feel like crying. Some days I do still cry. I've asked God to comfort me and take away the sadness but I don't really feel like He completely has. Each day is easier than it used to be, but then there are days where I feel like I'm right back to where I was a month ago. Today is one of those days. I was looking for a Facebook message thread from my cousin and went past my last thread with Janaque. I opened it and read some of our old messages. I had forgotten how happy I was. I want to believe I'll feel those feelings again, but I still want to feel them with Janaque. I can't explain why I have these feelings or why it's been so hard. All I know is that it's beyond just being sad that a relationship is over. Yes, I want that, but I know how to get by without one. I've done it plenty of times. It's something about him as a person...as a friend...about how he made me feel...and feeling like it's gone.
Man, my blog must make me sound pathetic. I feel like every post is about how my life sucks or about how I'm feeling sad about something. I promise I'm not walking around depressed. I have good friends here, a great family, and awesome coworkers that make me laugh and that I enjoy hanging out with. But I think sometimes I'm just putting on a mask over how I'm really feeling. Sure, I may look relatively happy on the outside, but I'm not always feeling it on the inside. And, I for sure don't feel like I'm the same without Janaque in my life. I wish more people understood how I'm feeling. I feel like people think I'm ridiculous for feeling this for someone I, really, hardly dated. I don't really understand it myself, but it's real and I don't really know what to do with it.
That's it. Raw thoughts and feelings. No pretty red bow to tie the loose ends tonight.
