Life has been pretty busy lately, so I haven't been very good about blogging. Now that school is out and I won't be working this summer, hopefully I will be better at keeping you guys updated.
Things with Josh are going wonderfully. He is an amazing man. The amount of communication and openness in our relationship has been much more than I'm used to, but I love and appreciate it. Josh is going through a tough custody battle right now and has been put through the ringer in attempts to keep his kids and get more time with them. I feel so badly for all that he's been and is going through. This has definitely made our relationship go to a different level right away. Although there's not much I can physically do to help him, it has caused me to think about how I can be supportive of him and help him through this time. It has definitely made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm really an adult now." I've never experienced divorce from this side of things, and I don't have any experience with the court system. I'm definitely learning a lot. It really sucks and I'm praying for a positive outcome when it's all said and done in July.
One thing that I'm learning about myself through my relationship with Josh is that I have a lot of fears. I've been in some not-so-healthy relationships in the past, which contribute to these fears. Recently, I've been finding myself having slight freak-out moments where I start to worry that Josh is pulling away or that he will say he's not interested in me anymore. In my past relationships, the guys have always been the ones to end things between us, oftentimes out of nowhere. Even in my longest relationship of over a year where I thought I was going to marry the guy, he ended things. I am absolutely terrified of that happening with Josh. I care about Josh a lot and can without a doubt see a future with him. He is so much of what I want and need in a partner, and then some. I'm terrified of losing that. If Josh is stressed and seems a little more distant (I still can't figure out if it's just me thinking he's being distant or if he really is), I start to worry. I've experienced these slight freak-outs in past relationships, but this time it's causing me to think about how I can curb them before they fester. I'm trying to use them as an opportunity to just pray and lay it all at God's feet. He ultimately has my future in His hands, and whether Josh is in it or not, He knows what's best for me. This is hard for me to believe at times, but I've definitely seen how God's plan is always the best, which is a good reminder. Josh has also gone through a lot of heartache with his divorce and we talked the other day about some of the fears he has with getting married again someday. I'm hoping we can lean on each other to help us through the fears we both have, rather than letting them bother us.
In other news, I'm going to Kenya in a week!! I will definitely write some posts about my trip when I get back!
