Wow, it's been a long time since I've written on here! This past school year was the hardest one I've ever had and it took a big toll on me. I ended the year not feeling like myself. I spent so much of the year in "mean teacher" mode, having to discipline so much bad behavior, and I think it just made me numb by the end of the year. I was worn down to the bone.
It's only been 4 days since summer break started and I'm already feeling so much better. I really needed this break. I was supposed to go to Kenya and planned on only teaching 4 weeks of summer school, so that gives me 3 weeks off before I have to start working again. I am going to enjoy every moment of those 3 weeks!!
Alright, boy update. To make a looong story short, I completely cut all ties with Josh. I wrote him an email telling him how I was feeling...it took FOREVER for us to finally meet to talk about it...the talk didn't go super great and I made the decision to tell him we couldn't be friends. Period. He didn't seem like the same guy I dated, so it actually hasn't been that hard to cut ties with him. He made me super frustrated during our conversation, so I was okay turning the page on that chapter of my life. You snooze, you lose buddy. Your loss.
So...a couple of weeks ago, my former classroom aide Kris (who is like my second mom) was hanging out with another retired teacher from Oregon, Terry, and they came up with the idea of setting me up with someone Terry knows. Kris retired at the end of this school year and at her retirement party, I talked to Terry and Kris about this guy a little more. He is Terry's nephew's best friend and joins all of their family functions because his family lives out of the state. She told me he is very religious and that's what made her think of me. So, I gave her my number to give to him and told her I'd be up for meeting him.
He (Artie, short for Aracelio -- pronounced "are-seal-ee-o") called me this past weekend and we met for the first time yesterday. We originally decided to just meet for coffee...but after 5 hours at Starbucks, we decided to make our way across the parking lot to a restaurant for dinner, where we proceeded to talk and hang out for another 6 hours. It didn't feel like 11 hours had gone by though. Conversation was incredibly easy and enjoyable. I honestly had zero expectations going into meeting him and even when we first met, I wasn't so sure. But as we kept talking and getting to know each other, I realized he is an incredibly nice, sweet, and kind-hearted guy. I'm blown away at how much he cares about people. He brought me flowers yesterday, paid for everything, and treated me like a princess. My mind was just racing the minute I went home...this guy is SO nice and has such a strong faith in God...there's gotta be a catch, right?? What's wrong with him that he's still single?? I hate to say "what's wrong with him" because people probably wonder the same thing about me. Anyway, he was going to go to my frisbee game tonight, but it was canceled due to weather, so we made plans to go to the movies. We grabbed coffee, saw the movie, and grabbed wine and some food at the Dane afterwards. I had a slight panic attack before seeing him tonight though. Maybe panic attack is too dramatic...freakout maybe? I keep telling myself that this guy can't be THIS nice. There has to be something I don't know about, right?? I also have thought about my relationship with Josh a bit since meeting Artie. I was SO sure Josh was the one, even after we broke up. Nothing in my life has ever felt so right...and yet it just all fell apart out of nowhere (or what seems like nowhere). I opened myself up to him more than anyone else I've dated, only to find myself heartbroken. Now, here's this new guy pursuing me...and I'm suddenly feeling terrified. How do I know it's not going to leave me heartbroken again? I'm finding myself more scared than ever to open myself up to this guy.
But then I think about the last 2 days with Artie. Not only has he treated me incredibly well, he is completely smitten with me. It baffles my mind. He keeps telling me how gorgeous and cool I am, and how much he likes me. I don't think I've ever had a guy THIS into me...it's kind of weird. Not that he's weird, but it's strange to me that someone would like me so much. I'm used to guys that maybe like me but don't express it much or that really like me for a while and then realize they can't date me for various reasons. I've never been called gorgeous in my life. Except maybe by my dad, but that doesn't count. He can't stop telling me what amazing eyes I have or how cute my smile is or how perfect my hands are. I love the compliments but I don't really know what to do with that. It's hard for me to comprehend. I like this guy...he's got so many amazing qualities and he's adorable. But I'm feeling scared, especially with how much he seems to like me. I'll probably say something to him soon, but in the meantime this is a really great chance for me to go to and trust in God. So if you're reading this and think of it, pray that my anxieties and fears would be calmed and that I would be able to fully put trust in God.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Reality
This has been a tough week for me. When I'm at work or with other people, I've felt fine, but when I'm alone, it's been hard. I have a 25 minute drive to and from work everyday, so it's just long enough to get into a zone and start thinking about all sorts of things. This week, my mind has been on what was going on in my life a year ago. It was a year ago that Josh and I started getting to know each other and going out on dates. I don't know what started me thinking about that, but I couldn't get my mind off of it this entire week. A year ago, it was such an exciting time. I met a boy I really liked, and we were in the fun beginning stage. We were talking every chance we got and having fun going on dates. All my mind could focus on this week was how happy I was a year ago…and how different things are now. It's made me feel sad and frustrated. Thinking about a year ago makes me want to cry because I miss feeling that way…I miss talking to Josh…I miss the excitement of getting to know someone new…I miss going out on dates and wondering if he's going to kiss me or hold my hand. Then I get frustrated that it's gone. I think I would rather not have met Josh than to be where I am now. This whole "I still have deep feelings for him but can't be with him" is torture at times. Granted, things have gotten easier than 8 months ago, but those feelings are still there and they're real. I want to move on, but I can't just shut those feelings off. I can't just wake up and decide that I'm not going to feel something for him. So while I don't feel like I'm putting my life on hold for him and just waiting for him, in some way my heart will always feel something for him. That's not going to go away. It may change and evolve over time, but I don't think I will ever not have some sort of caring feelings for him. So what do I do? I'm so frustrated because I feel like I found what I've been looking for and I can't have it. And then I get more frustrated when I meet or see other guys and they don't even come close to what I want in a man, or I feel like all the "good ones" are taken. Why?? Why in the world would God do that? This far out of every other relationship I've been in (or even earlier), I've been able to look back on it and understand why I wasn't supposed to be with that guy. I don't even have an inkling as to why Josh and I shouldn't be together. Not a clue.
My friend Angie and I had a good talk about this and singleness in general on Friday. She reminded me that she's always willing to be a listening ear and wants me to feel like I can come to her (and the rest of our friends) when things are hard. It was a good reminder for me. I'm a people pleaser and I often fear that people will be annoyed to hear about Josh…again. I feel like that's all I talk about. But you know what? It's my reality. These feelings are real. So, friends, this is where I'm at. I'm sad. Even after 8 months, this is still hard. I still feel like crying sometimes. I miss him and the girls so much it hurts. I feel unwanted and like something's wrong with me. Many of you want to protect me and tell me he's not worth all these feelings. I appreciate your concern, and maybe he's not worth it right now, but I opened up my heart to him more than I have with anyone else because of the kids and that takes time to heal. We can sit here and try to place blame or point fingers, but that won't change the here and now. I know he's made mistakes and isn't manning up right now, and maybe even led me on after we broke up. But that doesn't change the time we did have together, the feelings I felt, and the memories that creep up to constantly remind me of a time I felt the happiest I've ever felt. So, for now, I'm asking for prayers and support. I'm not asking you to try to understand it or to try to make me hate him or get mad at him. I'm asking for a listening ear, a receptive heart, and prayers for my heart.
Monday, February 10, 2014
A New Chapter
Well, here it is. The eve of my 30th birthday. Crazy. I don't feel that old. And had you asked me 10 years ago what my life would be like at 30, it certainly wouldn't be this. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. My singleness has allowed me to develop so many awesome friendships with so many amazing women. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I still feel like there's a part of me that's "untapped." I've gotten pretty good at living for myself. As a single person, it's hard not to be selfish. Granted, I try to do things for others and show love to those closest to me. But, who am I kidding? I could be better at this. Anyway, I've discovered this part of me that loves to serve others and help when it's needed. And what feels untapped is my desire to do that for a family. I feel like I got a taste of that with Josh and I can't seem to shake how badly I want it. I hate doing laundry when it's just my laundry. It's not affecting anyone else, so I let it sit in the basket for a week before putting it away or folding it. It drives me crazy that I do that, but it's just me so I don't care enough to do something about it or expend the energy. And yet, when it's for someone else - serving someone else - it brings me joy. I've helped Josh fold his laundry and pack his apartment, and I enjoyed every minute. I was with someone I cared about and serving him, knowing it was helping him with something he doesn't like.
My 20s were all about discovering who I am and mostly focused on me. Now I hope my 30s can be focused on others. So friends, if you're reading this, hold me accountable to this and please don't hesitate to ever ask me to help with anything! I'd do just about anything at the drop of a hat for those I care about, but I'm still working on learning how to figure out what needs need to be met before it's asked of me. So while I don't have my own family, I do have so many amazing friends in my life. I hope I'm able to better show you love in the next 10 years (and more!) of my life. Even if I'm not able to physically be there for you, I hope I can become someone who prays for you more. Because I'll be the first to admit, I suck at this right now and as your friend, I apologize that this isn't something more prevalent in my life yet. I'm working on it. :)
I've spent some time recently thinking back on the past decade of my life. I can't believe how quickly it went and how much I've changed and learned about myself. I've had so many laughs, and believe it or not, many tears (although mostly private). I've had fun times and I've made mistakes, big and small. I've met more people than I can hardly keep track of, but have kept the ones that matter most closest to me. What amazes me most is how constant God has been, despite me being anything but constant! I've wandered, messed up, been selfish, and leaned on my own strength all too many times…and yet, the last decade is sprinkled with ways God has shown me grace, helped me learn and grow, and led me down the path He's marked out for me. I wouldn't change anything for a second - all the good and bad - because it's made me who I am today and brought some amazing people into my life. It's all a part of the story God has written for me…why would I change the story the Great Author has for me?? We all know I certainly can't write it any better, even though I try sometimes. So, here's to the next chapter of my life before me. Most people freak out about turning older, but for me, it's a new chapter filled with blank pages. Pages that will be filled with laughter and heartbreak. Pages that are already written by the One who knows me and loves me best, but are yet to be discovered.
So...read on. :)
My 20s were all about discovering who I am and mostly focused on me. Now I hope my 30s can be focused on others. So friends, if you're reading this, hold me accountable to this and please don't hesitate to ever ask me to help with anything! I'd do just about anything at the drop of a hat for those I care about, but I'm still working on learning how to figure out what needs need to be met before it's asked of me. So while I don't have my own family, I do have so many amazing friends in my life. I hope I'm able to better show you love in the next 10 years (and more!) of my life. Even if I'm not able to physically be there for you, I hope I can become someone who prays for you more. Because I'll be the first to admit, I suck at this right now and as your friend, I apologize that this isn't something more prevalent in my life yet. I'm working on it. :)
I've spent some time recently thinking back on the past decade of my life. I can't believe how quickly it went and how much I've changed and learned about myself. I've had so many laughs, and believe it or not, many tears (although mostly private). I've had fun times and I've made mistakes, big and small. I've met more people than I can hardly keep track of, but have kept the ones that matter most closest to me. What amazes me most is how constant God has been, despite me being anything but constant! I've wandered, messed up, been selfish, and leaned on my own strength all too many times…and yet, the last decade is sprinkled with ways God has shown me grace, helped me learn and grow, and led me down the path He's marked out for me. I wouldn't change anything for a second - all the good and bad - because it's made me who I am today and brought some amazing people into my life. It's all a part of the story God has written for me…why would I change the story the Great Author has for me?? We all know I certainly can't write it any better, even though I try sometimes. So, here's to the next chapter of my life before me. Most people freak out about turning older, but for me, it's a new chapter filled with blank pages. Pages that will be filled with laughter and heartbreak. Pages that are already written by the One who knows me and loves me best, but are yet to be discovered.
So...read on. :)
Sunday, February 2, 2014
FRUSTRATION
Last weekend, I went to a college roommate's wedding. I wasn't expecting to have much fun because I was only going to know a handful of people. But, I had a great time catching up and reminiscing with another college roommate. After dinner, we made our way to the dance floor, and over the course of the night, I had 3 guys interested in talking and/or dancing with me. One of them was a guy that the bride's mom wanted to set me up with. He was a charming and fun guy, and I had a great time dancing with him. But, I don't think he's a Christian and that's a big deal for me.
On my drive home, I was feeling conflicted. I had a great time at the wedding, but I just had this feeling of frustration. I had 3 guys show interest in me at this wedding…and yet the 1 guy I want seems to be taking forever to decide what he wants. I know it's not something wrong with me that's causing Josh to be so indecisive. But at the same time, I just want him to see what other people see in me. Maybe he does see it, but I want him to act on it. What girl doesn't want a guy to care about her so much that he doesn't want to hold back?
Since Josh's birthday on January 6, I decided to try a little experiment. I decided to not initiate contact with him until my birthday party (next weekend - essentially, a month later) to see if he would initiate anything. I had asked him if I could treat him to a birthday drink and he said he was busy that week and the following week he was traveling for work. So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it and then I took a step back. Well, the month is almost over and I haven't heard a thing from him, aside from random Facebook comments every now and then. I'm so frustrated and confused. How can you tell me you want to start over, want me to build a relationship with your girls, and want to focus on our friendship right now and then NOT TALK TO ME?? Did he not mean those words? Did he mean them, but is afraid to say or do anything? Is he just too busy? Ughhhhh I'm just at a loss for what to do. Every guy I meet just doesn't even come close to Josh. I'm still keeping my eyes open but it just doesn't look promising. I know what I want. I know who I want. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like some people have it so easy. Not that I want my life to be easy all the time, but I feel like I've had my fair share of trials and faith-building experiences. I wish something - just one thing - would happen easily. I'm sure someday I will look back at this and laugh or just shake my head, but for now I'm frustrated.
On my drive home, I was feeling conflicted. I had a great time at the wedding, but I just had this feeling of frustration. I had 3 guys show interest in me at this wedding…and yet the 1 guy I want seems to be taking forever to decide what he wants. I know it's not something wrong with me that's causing Josh to be so indecisive. But at the same time, I just want him to see what other people see in me. Maybe he does see it, but I want him to act on it. What girl doesn't want a guy to care about her so much that he doesn't want to hold back?
Since Josh's birthday on January 6, I decided to try a little experiment. I decided to not initiate contact with him until my birthday party (next weekend - essentially, a month later) to see if he would initiate anything. I had asked him if I could treat him to a birthday drink and he said he was busy that week and the following week he was traveling for work. So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it and then I took a step back. Well, the month is almost over and I haven't heard a thing from him, aside from random Facebook comments every now and then. I'm so frustrated and confused. How can you tell me you want to start over, want me to build a relationship with your girls, and want to focus on our friendship right now and then NOT TALK TO ME?? Did he not mean those words? Did he mean them, but is afraid to say or do anything? Is he just too busy? Ughhhhh I'm just at a loss for what to do. Every guy I meet just doesn't even come close to Josh. I'm still keeping my eyes open but it just doesn't look promising. I know what I want. I know who I want. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like some people have it so easy. Not that I want my life to be easy all the time, but I feel like I've had my fair share of trials and faith-building experiences. I wish something - just one thing - would happen easily. I'm sure someday I will look back at this and laugh or just shake my head, but for now I'm frustrated.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
I Am Valuable
I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night at a get-together at The Great Dane. My friend, Dharma, is a guy I know from my church and has been on my frisbee team the last couple of summers. It's hard to describe what kind of guy Dharma is, but let's just say he's not one to usually just open up and talk about personal things very often. He's kind of a dark guy who "loves tragedy" (his words). But as you get to know him, you find out that he has a big heart and loves people.
The get-together we were at was starting to wind down, and as I was considering leaving for the night, he plopped down on the stool next to me. We chatted a bit about my friend's band that he really enjoys, and then he asked THE question.
"What's going on with you and Josh?"
I think people shy away from asking me this question, in fear that it will bring up uncomfortable emotions. Or maybe people are just tired of hearing about it, haha. But honestly, I don't mind talking about it. I'm a verbal processor, so I like talking through things I'm feeling (most of the time) and hearing other people's perspectives. Otherwise, it just festers inside of me and I don't know what to do with all my thoughts and feelings. My thoughts go around in circles in my head and eventually drive me crazy.
My first response was "That's a great question…I don't know." I then got into just about everything that's happened and how I've been feeling about it over the past few months. Dharma isn't afraid to tell it like it is. I like that about him. He kept telling me that Josh is such a great guy (you don't need to tell me that twice!) and he just doesn't understand why he would give up on someone and something so great. He feels like Josh gave up something so precious. He kept telling me how valuable I am and that any guy to walk away from me is an idiot. For the first time probably ever, when he talked about how valuable I am, rather than dismissing it, I said "I know I am." I've never really believed that about myself until now. It took nearly 30 years, but I know I am valuable. I am a great catch! I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer. And now I find myself in this place where I love Josh and his girls, and would do just about anything for them. I WANT to be a part of their lives and be a support for them. I've learned that "helps" is one of my spiritual gifts and the thought of supporting Josh and helping him take care of his girls is something that brings a lot of joy to my heart. For instance, I hate doing and folding laundry, but I've helped Josh with his laundry a couple of times and it's something that brings me joy when I know I'm doing it to help or serve someone else. Not many girls would accept someone despite the past he's been through, love and accept his kids, and want to walk through all the mess with him. I don't want to toot my own horn, but many people have told me they wouldn't do it and I can't explain why I don't hesitate to feel like that.
It was not only encouraging to hear someone say those things about me, but it was nice to hear that other people think we should be together. Granted Dharma doesn't know everything about our relationship, but he said that when he saw Josh and I talking the night we first met, he thought to himself that it totally made sense and he hoped we would hit it off. I know Josh has some fear when it comes to relationships (understandably so), but Dharma informed me that guys oftentimes will have something great in front of them but won't act on it until it's too late. Sometimes they need a push to encourage them to do something and overcome the fear of rejection or failure. I also found out that Dharma and another friend of ours hang out with Josh periodically, so he said he wants to continue to get to know Josh so that he can feel comfortable asking him his side of everything, and maybe even to nudge him to do something. ;) I'm not going to say no to that!
So here I continue to wait. I told Dharma that if an interesting guy came along, I wouldn't turn him down. But I went out on dates with a couple other guys since breaking up with Josh, and it's clear that my heart isn't fully ready to move on. There's something in me that still tells me to wait. It feels foolish though. It doesn't make sense to wait for someone who is afraid to move on. But at the same time, it's not fair to me to make me wait for an indefinite amount of time. I feel like at some point (and some point soon), Josh and I need to talk about this again. I tried to make that happen by asking him if I could take him out for a birthday drink, but he said he was busy for the next couple of weeks with family birthdays and a work trip to Vegas. So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it when he's not so busy or out of town for work. Part of me doesn't expect him to take me up on it, but I'm not going to push it. If he truly wants to strengthen our friendship like he told me he does, he needs to do some of the work too. I can't always be the one to initiate things. In the meantime, I will just have to take things one day at a time and see where God guides me.
The get-together we were at was starting to wind down, and as I was considering leaving for the night, he plopped down on the stool next to me. We chatted a bit about my friend's band that he really enjoys, and then he asked THE question.
"What's going on with you and Josh?"
I think people shy away from asking me this question, in fear that it will bring up uncomfortable emotions. Or maybe people are just tired of hearing about it, haha. But honestly, I don't mind talking about it. I'm a verbal processor, so I like talking through things I'm feeling (most of the time) and hearing other people's perspectives. Otherwise, it just festers inside of me and I don't know what to do with all my thoughts and feelings. My thoughts go around in circles in my head and eventually drive me crazy.
My first response was "That's a great question…I don't know." I then got into just about everything that's happened and how I've been feeling about it over the past few months. Dharma isn't afraid to tell it like it is. I like that about him. He kept telling me that Josh is such a great guy (you don't need to tell me that twice!) and he just doesn't understand why he would give up on someone and something so great. He feels like Josh gave up something so precious. He kept telling me how valuable I am and that any guy to walk away from me is an idiot. For the first time probably ever, when he talked about how valuable I am, rather than dismissing it, I said "I know I am." I've never really believed that about myself until now. It took nearly 30 years, but I know I am valuable. I am a great catch! I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer. And now I find myself in this place where I love Josh and his girls, and would do just about anything for them. I WANT to be a part of their lives and be a support for them. I've learned that "helps" is one of my spiritual gifts and the thought of supporting Josh and helping him take care of his girls is something that brings a lot of joy to my heart. For instance, I hate doing and folding laundry, but I've helped Josh with his laundry a couple of times and it's something that brings me joy when I know I'm doing it to help or serve someone else. Not many girls would accept someone despite the past he's been through, love and accept his kids, and want to walk through all the mess with him. I don't want to toot my own horn, but many people have told me they wouldn't do it and I can't explain why I don't hesitate to feel like that.
It was not only encouraging to hear someone say those things about me, but it was nice to hear that other people think we should be together. Granted Dharma doesn't know everything about our relationship, but he said that when he saw Josh and I talking the night we first met, he thought to himself that it totally made sense and he hoped we would hit it off. I know Josh has some fear when it comes to relationships (understandably so), but Dharma informed me that guys oftentimes will have something great in front of them but won't act on it until it's too late. Sometimes they need a push to encourage them to do something and overcome the fear of rejection or failure. I also found out that Dharma and another friend of ours hang out with Josh periodically, so he said he wants to continue to get to know Josh so that he can feel comfortable asking him his side of everything, and maybe even to nudge him to do something. ;) I'm not going to say no to that!
So here I continue to wait. I told Dharma that if an interesting guy came along, I wouldn't turn him down. But I went out on dates with a couple other guys since breaking up with Josh, and it's clear that my heart isn't fully ready to move on. There's something in me that still tells me to wait. It feels foolish though. It doesn't make sense to wait for someone who is afraid to move on. But at the same time, it's not fair to me to make me wait for an indefinite amount of time. I feel like at some point (and some point soon), Josh and I need to talk about this again. I tried to make that happen by asking him if I could take him out for a birthday drink, but he said he was busy for the next couple of weeks with family birthdays and a work trip to Vegas. So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it when he's not so busy or out of town for work. Part of me doesn't expect him to take me up on it, but I'm not going to push it. If he truly wants to strengthen our friendship like he told me he does, he needs to do some of the work too. I can't always be the one to initiate things. In the meantime, I will just have to take things one day at a time and see where God guides me.
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