I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night at a get-together at The Great Dane. My friend, Dharma, is a guy I know from my church and has been on my frisbee team the last couple of summers. It's hard to describe what kind of guy Dharma is, but let's just say he's not one to usually just open up and talk about personal things very often. He's kind of a dark guy who "loves tragedy" (his words). But as you get to know him, you find out that he has a big heart and loves people.
The get-together we were at was starting to wind down, and as I was considering leaving for the night, he plopped down on the stool next to me. We chatted a bit about my friend's band that he really enjoys, and then he asked THE question.
"What's going on with you and Josh?"
I think people shy away from asking me this question, in fear that it will bring up uncomfortable emotions. Or maybe people are just tired of hearing about it, haha. But honestly, I don't mind talking about it. I'm a verbal processor, so I like talking through things I'm feeling (most of the time) and hearing other people's perspectives. Otherwise, it just festers inside of me and I don't know what to do with all my thoughts and feelings. My thoughts go around in circles in my head and eventually drive me crazy.
My first response was "That's a great question…I don't know." I then got into just about everything that's happened and how I've been feeling about it over the past few months. Dharma isn't afraid to tell it like it is. I like that about him. He kept telling me that Josh is such a great guy (you don't need to tell me that twice!) and he just doesn't understand why he would give up on someone and something so great. He feels like Josh gave up something so precious. He kept telling me how valuable I am and that any guy to walk away from me is an idiot. For the first time probably ever, when he talked about how valuable I am, rather than dismissing it, I said "I know I am." I've never really believed that about myself until now. It took nearly 30 years, but I know I am valuable. I am a great catch! I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer. And now I find myself in this place where I love Josh and his girls, and would do just about anything for them. I WANT to be a part of their lives and be a support for them. I've learned that "helps" is one of my spiritual gifts and the thought of supporting Josh and helping him take care of his girls is something that brings a lot of joy to my heart. For instance, I hate doing and folding laundry, but I've helped Josh with his laundry a couple of times and it's something that brings me joy when I know I'm doing it to help or serve someone else. Not many girls would accept someone despite the past he's been through, love and accept his kids, and want to walk through all the mess with him. I don't want to toot my own horn, but many people have told me they wouldn't do it and I can't explain why I don't hesitate to feel like that.
It was not only encouraging to hear someone say those things about me, but it was nice to hear that other people think we should be together. Granted Dharma doesn't know everything about our relationship, but he said that when he saw Josh and I talking the night we first met, he thought to himself that it totally made sense and he hoped we would hit it off. I know Josh has some fear when it comes to relationships (understandably so), but Dharma informed me that guys oftentimes will have something great in front of them but won't act on it until it's too late. Sometimes they need a push to encourage them to do something and overcome the fear of rejection or failure. I also found out that Dharma and another friend of ours hang out with Josh periodically, so he said he wants to continue to get to know Josh so that he can feel comfortable asking him his side of everything, and maybe even to nudge him to do something. ;) I'm not going to say no to that!
So here I continue to wait. I told Dharma that if an interesting guy came along, I wouldn't turn him down. But I went out on dates with a couple other guys since breaking up with Josh, and it's clear that my heart isn't fully ready to move on. There's something in me that still tells me to wait. It feels foolish though. It doesn't make sense to wait for someone who is afraid to move on. But at the same time, it's not fair to me to make me wait for an indefinite amount of time. I feel like at some point (and some point soon), Josh and I need to talk about this again. I tried to make that happen by asking him if I could take him out for a birthday drink, but he said he was busy for the next couple of weeks with family birthdays and a work trip to Vegas. So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it when he's not so busy or out of town for work. Part of me doesn't expect him to take me up on it, but I'm not going to push it. If he truly wants to strengthen our friendship like he told me he does, he needs to do some of the work too. I can't always be the one to initiate things. In the meantime, I will just have to take things one day at a time and see where God guides me.
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