Reality

This has been a tough week for me.  When I'm at work or with other people, I've felt fine, but when I'm alone, it's been hard.  I have a 25 minute drive to and from work everyday, so it's just long enough to get into a zone and start thinking about all sorts of things.  This week, my mind has been on what was going on in my life a year ago.  It was a year ago that Josh and I started getting to know each other and going out on dates.  I don't know what started me thinking about that, but I couldn't get my mind off of it this entire week.  A year ago, it was such an exciting time.  I met a boy I really liked, and we were in the fun beginning stage.  We were talking every chance we got and having fun going on dates.  All my mind could focus on this week was how happy I was a year ago…and how different things are now.  It's made me feel sad and frustrated.  Thinking about a year ago makes me want to cry because I miss feeling that way…I miss talking to Josh…I miss the excitement of getting to know someone new…I miss going out on dates and wondering if he's going to kiss me or hold my hand.  Then I get frustrated that it's gone.  I think I would rather not have met Josh than to be where I am now.  This whole "I still have deep feelings for him but can't be with him" is torture at times.  Granted, things have gotten easier than 8 months ago, but those feelings are still there and they're real.  I want to move on, but I can't just shut those feelings off.  I can't just wake up and decide that I'm not going to feel something for him.  So while I don't feel like I'm putting my life on hold for him and just waiting for him, in some way my heart will always feel something for him.  That's not going to go away.  It may change and evolve over time, but I don't think I will ever not have some sort of caring feelings for him.  So what do I do?  I'm so frustrated because I feel like I found what I've been looking for and I can't have it.  And then I get more frustrated when I meet or see other guys and they don't even come close to what I want in a man, or I feel like all the "good ones" are taken.  Why??  Why in the world would God do that?  This far out of every other relationship I've been in (or even earlier), I've been able to look back on it and understand why I wasn't supposed to be with that guy.  I don't even have an inkling as to why Josh and I shouldn't be together.  Not a clue.  

My friend Angie and I had a good talk about this and singleness in general on Friday.  She reminded me that she's always willing to be a listening ear and wants me to feel like I can come to her (and the rest of our friends) when things are hard.  It was a good reminder for me.  I'm a people pleaser and I often fear that people will be annoyed to hear about Josh…again.  I feel like that's all I talk about.  But you know what?  It's my reality.  These feelings are real.  So, friends, this is where I'm at.  I'm sad.  Even after 8 months, this is still hard.  I still feel like crying sometimes.  I miss him and the girls so much it hurts.  I feel unwanted and like something's wrong with me.  Many of you want to protect me and tell me he's not worth all these feelings.  I appreciate your concern, and maybe he's not worth it right now, but I opened up my heart to him more than I have with anyone else because of the kids and that takes time to heal.  We can sit here and try to place blame or point fingers, but that won't change the here and now.  I know he's made mistakes and isn't manning up right now, and maybe even led me on after we broke up.  But that doesn't change the time we did have together, the feelings I felt, and the memories that creep up to constantly remind me of a time I felt the happiest I've ever felt.  So, for now, I'm asking for prayers and support.  I'm not asking you to try to understand it or to try to make me hate him or get mad at him.  I'm asking for a listening ear, a receptive heart, and prayers for my heart.