So I mentioned in my last post about my life getting to a point where I wasn't making the best decisions. For some reason, I got to a point where I was having fun enjoying life...life my way. I let myself drift away from God. I was enjoying being in charge of my own life.
Rewind a bit. Around last January or so, I was at Jose's, a Mexican restaurant we would often frequent after Impact for drinks and free chips and salsa. It was actually only my second or third time joining the Jose's crew...I usually went to TGI Fridays after Impact. I was sitting on the end of one of the long tables we were seated at, sitting next to people I didn't really know. I was casually talking to a guy at the head of the table (we'll call him John...I don't remember his name). John worked at a cell phone store, so we were talking about my (relatively) new iPhone and my favorite apps. During our conversation, a guy joined us at the end of the table. I found out his name was Dan and he jumped right into our convo. Continuing our discussion, I mentioned that my Sports Center app was one of my most used apps, making it one of my favorites. Dan's eyes lit up and quickly asked me what teams I followed. After mentioning that I love the Packers, Brewers, and Badgers, his eyes lit up even more. Needless to say, he was impressed that a girl (who on the outside looked like a girly girl) was that into sports. We chatted for a few more minutes and then he left.
Fast forward to a few weeks later. I went with my friend Ryan to Mike's brother's band's concert (follow that? :P). Dan was there and started talking to me. Except that I didn't remember who he was. I recognized him, but he had to remind me where we had met. We started casually talking and quickly realized we had a lot of the same interests. Conversation flowed so naturally. I found myself feeling incredibly comfortable with someone I hardly knew...not something that usually happens for me. It usually takes me a while before I open up and feel comfortable around someone new. Once the concert started, Dan asked my friend Renee and me if we wanted go to the front and dance. Again, not something I would usually do with someone I just met. But, I went and had an absolute blast.
From March until about May, we only saw each other randomly at Impact or I'm Not a Pilot concerts (Mike's brother's band). It was also during this time that he told me he was planning on moving to Texas sometime in the summer. I was bummed to hear this because I was enjoying getting to know him, but we had just become friends so it wasn't anything too devastating.
In the beginning of May, Ryan had his annual Cinqo de Mayo party (this year it was on Siete de Mayo) and he invited Dan, who was slowly becoming part of our little friend group. Again, Dan and I had a blast hanging out, being silly, and dancing. I was really enjoying hanging out with him. Impact ended in May and our last official event was a Brewers game. Dan came to the tailgate (in the pouring rain!!) but wasn't going to go to the game. I eventually convinced him to go and we, again, had a blast.
Throughout the summer, we started hanging out more and more. Always in a group, but we'd go to movies, hang out at friends' houses, or watch Brewers games at the bar. Multiple times, after seeing a movie or hanging out somewhere, we'd end up chatting in the parking lot for hours after everyone else had left. We would just start talking and before we knew it, 2 or 3 hours had gone by...except those 2 or 3 hours felt like 10 minutes. Talking to him felt so natural and we had so much in common. In the back of my mind, a little voice kept reminding me that he was moving. But I was having so much fun with him and I didn't want to be reminded that he was leaving. I had found a great friend. He brought out a side of me that only occasionally comes out. A goofy, fun-loving, outgoing side. I had never laughed more than when I was with him. We could talk sports one minute, be laughing about something stupid the next, and then be talking about something serious even the next minute. I had never felt so connected to someone before.
One night mid-July, we decided to have a little party at Ryan's house. My friend Kristina had just lost her job and we decided that we needed to have a night where we just put life's stresses behind us. In the past, we've had to deal with friends driving home when they shouldn't have after drinking, so beforehand we decided to make it a sleepover so nobody was driving home after drinking too much. Dan of course was invited to this little party and not long into it, we decided to have a dance party. We'd had dance parties before, but this time Dan and I danced together. I tried not to think anything of it and went on just enjoying the night. Later in the night, I laid down on Ryan's futon and Mike and Dan decided to sit on top of me and tickle me. Mike eventually gave up, but Dan kept going. Before I knew it, he had leaned in and started kissing me. I don't know if it's the connection I was telling myself we had or if it's really the way he kisses, but his kisses are the best I've ever had. There was something about his kiss that made me weak in the knees. From that point on, I was hooked. I was trying to just see him as a friend, despite being attracted to him, because I knew he was planning on moving. But as soon as our friendship turned into something more, I threw it all to the wind. I no longer cared that he was moving. All I knew was that I really liked him and didn't want the kissing to end.
The next month became a fling with Dan. Many times when we hung out with people, we would find an excuse to sneak away alone. Then it turned into finding excuses to sleep over at each other's places. It quickly became a regular thing. And most times, it revolved around us drinking and then making not-so-good choices.
The sad thing is that I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was going to hurt in the end. I knew I was doing something that was disappointing God. But I wanted to do it anyway. I wanted to soak up every minute I had with him. I was enjoying living in a fantasy...where morals and real life didn't exist.
He moved to Texas a little over a week ago. I knew I was going to miss him, but some days it really sucks. Part of me misses him because of the girl in me that likes to feel wanted and attractive. But most of me misses HIM...who he his, the friendship we created, the connection we have. I miss his energy. I miss goofing around with him. I miss his sense of humor. Discussing the Brewers over text just isn't the same.
The hard part is that I know without a doubt that moving to Texas was the right thing for him. There are things in his life that he needs to work on and figure out, and he was just feeling in a rut in Wisconsin. It's also good for me that he's not here because if he were, it would've been much harder to stop the fling we got into.
One thing I've experienced since Dan left is God's unfailing and unmistakeable presence. I deliberately turned my back on God this summer. I made choices that I KNEW were sinful. And yet...God made Himself known to me, covered me in grace, and blessed me when I didn't deserve a darn thing. WHAT?! I don't understand it...I don't think I ever will. All I know is that even though my flesh wants Dan to come back and to be with him, God has something greater for me...for us. Both of us are in big transition periods in our lives and I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened at the peak of our little fling. Some days it's really hard to cling to the truth that God has something better for me. In my head, Dan is just what I wanted. But I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God and He will take care of me. It'll all be okay.
