Me: "Wow, Mason! You spelled all of your words right!"
Mason: Yeah, I know. I can read everything you know."
Me: "Everything?"
Mason: "Yep. Well, except when I get stuck."

In other news, I tried out a new Bible study last night. My friend Shelley from Heritage leads a co-ed one on Monday nights, so I asked her about it. I didn't feel very connected to the Bible study I was in last year, so I decided to look around. There are at least 20 people in this study so we talked as a whole group for a bit, and then broke up into 3 smaller groups to discuss the passage being studied. Each week the small discussion groups change, so I'll have a chance to get to know the other people in the group. I really enjoyed the people I met last night. I met some fun women and I felt comfortable right away. I definitely plan on sticking with this study this year. :)

Kindergarteners say the darndest things!

I decided that since I will probably hear so many funny little kid sayings this year, I'm going to document as many as possible. Here are a couple from my first week!

A student playing in the house center: "You can use the credit card. (hands me a pretend credit card) Then you won't have to pay any money!"

Desiree to the student teacher in the house center: "Your credit card doesn't work. It's been denied!" (think she's heard that one somewhere before??)

More to come later!

Life in kindergarten!

I finished my first week of work! Whew, I'm exhausted! I'm really enjoying it though. I work with both kindergarten classrooms at Lincoln Elementary in Wauwatosa. Each class has 25 students (one class will soon have 26!) so I have lots of kiddos to work with! I pretty much had all their names down by the end of the second day...go me! The teachers and I sat down and made a schedule for me earlier this week. I basically help out in one classroom for an hour or two, and then switch to the other class...and go back and forth all day. It's hectic and tiring, but it's fun. I love kindergarten. I love the kids' curiosity and excitement. I love their cute sayings. And they're so adorable! I'm learning a ton from the two teachers I work with. And they know I'm a certified teacher, so they want to give me plenty of teaching responsibility. But, one of the best parts about this job is that I have no outside work! I don't really know what to do with my time after work. It's a good problem to have though. :)

Overall, being back in Milwaukee has been good. Last night, I went to the Heritage homecoming game and saw a lot of my former coworkers and even a few students. It was a blast and so good for my heart. Those people are my family here and I've really missed them. I kept hearing how much they all miss me at Heritage, but they're all genuinely excited for my new job. I miss my girls from Madison like crazy and I haven't really gotten to talk to them much since coming back to Milwaukee, but it helps knowing that I have people here that care about me and that I enjoy spending time with. I'm excited to see what changes this year will bring!

God is good. period.

Wow, God blows my mind. If you haven't heard yet, I got a job! I applied a couple weeks ago to a few teacher assistant positions in Wauwatosa, but honestly, didn't think much of it because I didn't have much hope. On Tuesday, I got a call about interviewing for one of these positions. I had to ask what positions they were because I'd applied to so many! I interviewed on Thursday, and it was probably one of the shortest interviews I've had...15 minutes. It went well and I felt pretty confident about it. Today, I got the call offering me the kindergarten teacher's aide position...the one I wanted the most. I start sometime next week, so I'll leave Madison on Sunday or Monday.

The last few months have been pretty hard. Fun...good...but hard. The Lord really worked on my heart this summer...once I actually slowed down enough to hear Him. It was hard to not lose heart and give up. I wanted to give up on trying to find a job because I didn't think there was anything that people would see in me that would set me apart from the others. I felt lonely despite being in the city I love living with my closest friends. But, over the last month or so, I've been slapped in the face by love (sound familiar Holly? :P) I have realized just how loved I am. The support I had when I had a job lead was incredible...I've never experienced so many people pulling for me and praying for me. I attempted to overcome a huge challenge (running) and have been successful (I went for a 25 minute run today and I was blown away by how much easier it's become)...and again, I have so many people encouraging me and telling me they're proud of me. And now I have a school that's excited to hire me...ME! The principal told me today that he was really impressed with my interview and how knowledgeable I am for a new teacher.

I've always known in my mind that God loves me and has my interests at heart. It's been something I've been told since childhood. But this summer, it was hard for me to believe it in my heart...truly believe it deep down. When the summer began, I had lost my job (a job I loved), was living at home again, and felt incredibly lonely. Yes, Jesus loves me...but I didn't understand why my life looked like it did. But, that's what it took for me to slow down, look up, and run into His arms. I neglected His strength and support last year...one of the hardest years of my life, and I didn't turn to Him. My heart became numb and I stopped feeling anything. I was so tired of feeling sad, defeated, tired, stressed...so I stopped feeling altogether. It took my life taking a u-turn for me to stop and realize I need Him.

I turned away from Him...and yet He still held my hand and led me to a better life. He was my last priority, but I was His first. He surrounded me with incredible friends this summer that never stop loving me for me. He whispered to me during church and helped me realize that I shouldn't give up on Him. And now He's blessed me with this great job opportunity.

The journey isn't over. In fact, a new one is just beginning. I'm heading back to Milwaukee and starting a completely new phase of my life. But, instead of going into it upset that I'm leaving something comfortable like I did last year, I'm going into it on the other side of an emotional and spiritual desert...refreshed and renewed.

Never let go

Well, all schools are officially underway. Most public schools started on Sept. 1 and Heritage started on Sept. 9. Which means I officially am stuck with subbing for now. Which is fine - I figured that's what would happen - but schools starting means my chances of landing a full-time teaching job are over until next school year.

Both first days of school were hard days for me. It's hard for me to read Facebook status updates of my friends that are teachers about their first days of school. It's hard for me to realize that I had a full-time job, but now I'm back to where I started. I thought my job searching days were over last year. I thought I'd get to teach full-time at Heritage for as long as I wanted, or as long as I felt like it was the place for me.

I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I have sooo many ideas of how I want to do things differently or things I want to try in the classroom. I get so excited about new teaching ideas and it just sucks that I can't use them.

It's interesting that despite how hard of a year I had last year, I still am anxious to teach. There were many bad things about last year, but as I think back on last year, the good things outweigh the bad in my mind. Instead of being weighed down by the negative, I realize that there are things I would do differently and I'm anxious to try them out and attempt to further "perfect" my teaching.

Yesterday in church, we sang the song "Never Let Go".

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to this trouble but until that day comes
Still I will praise you, still I will praise you Lord

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, you never let go of me"

It's so easy for me to want to give up on the idea of me getting a full-time teaching job. And it's so easy for me to not want to have a heart of praise. But, my feelings and circumstances don't change God's goodness. The fact that things aren't going the way I want them doesn't mean that God isn't doing something good in my life. I've been able to use this time off to do lots of things I normally wouldn't do (like train for a 5K, what??) and bless people I care about.

It was comforting to be reminded yesterday that God will never let go of me. Never. Sometimes it feels like He is more distant. It's easy to feel that way when things aren't going the way I'd like. But, He's still holding my hand through this. It makes me think of a little kid holding his dad's hand. When they're walking down a sidewalk alone, it's easy for the kid to hold on to his dad's hand. But, in a large crowd, it's hard to hold on. But that dad will never let go of his child's hand...he actually will hold onto it harder to help lead the child through the crowd. God is the same way. He's holding my hand through the crowd. He doesn't want to lose me as I go through this time of my life where I can't see what's ahead. That's comforting. Things will turn out okay in the end. :)

A lesson in Philippians 4:13

As many of you know, I've been training for a 5K. Over the summer, Jenny (co-worker from Heritage) brought up the idea of doing a 5K in the fall, and without much thought, I said yes.

If you know me well enough, you know that I am not a runner. And you know that I do not make decisions easily. My mom used to get so annoyed with me as a kid because I could easily take 10 minutes to pick out a candy bar at the grocery store. But that's a different issue.

I do not have good memories of running in school. Whenever we had to do the mile run in P.E., I was always one of the last ones to finish. I was the one that made the entire class wait while I huffed and puffed around the track before we could go on with the rest of class. It was humiliating.

But, for some reason, I decided to take on this challenge. I'm not one to take challenges in my life. I like to stay within my comfort zone and keep life easy. But, I liked the idea of having something to work for while I'm unemployed. It makes me feel less like a complete bum. ;)

Anyway, Jenny told me about this "couch to 5K" training program. It's a 9 week program that uses alternating running and walking to work your way up to running 3 miles. I liked the idea of the program and it seemed like something I could actually have a shot at doing. So, in August, I started training.

So far, the training has been going well. I had to repeat a week because I went from running on a treadmill to running outside (it's so much harder to run outside!). As soon as I finally felt comfortable with where my schedule was at, it got much harder. Today, I went running with Holly after she got off work. I had to alternate walking 5 min. and running 8 min. The most I had run up to this point was 5 min. at a time, so 8 min. was a bit more challenging. Well, it turned out to be a lot more challenging. If it wasn't for Holly, I would've given up on myself. She was an awesome motivator and wouldn't let me quit. It was almost like being on The Biggest Loser and having my own personal Bob...except without the yelling. :)

At the end of my last 8 min. interval run, I couldn't breathe. As I was running, it felt like my throat was getting smaller and it was getting hard to breathe. Once I stopped running, I tried to catch my breath, but it was hard to take deep enough breaths. I started hyperventilating and crying. I've never not been able to breathe, so I freaked out. Luckily, I had Holly with me and she helped me calm down and catch my breath. I finally caught my breath, but I felt so embarrassed. We were on a trail just outside of the UW-Madison campus, so there were a ton of students out for afternoon runs. I felt so stupid. Who cries after running?? (Kind of like a "there's no crying in baseball!" moment...except insert running.) Holly reassured me that I wasn't stupid and she told me repeatedly how proud she was of me for not giving up on my running. She's such a rockstar friend. :)

I definitely don't give myself enough credit. I compare myself to other people and then beat myself up when I don't match up. I'm glad I was able to finish my run today, but I felt like a wimp because I could barely get through it and so many other people can do things like run marathons.

In the spring of sixth grade, I decided to sign up for the baseball team. I had just moved to Wisconsin in the winter, but I knew I loved baseball (surprised? :P), so I signed up. I ended up being the only girl on the team. Before practices even started, the boys at school made fun of me for joining. They said things like "You're a girl...can you even hit the ball??" I quit before the season started. I let myself believe what they said was true. In my mind, I thought, "I don't have any experience playing baseball...of course I'm going to suck." But, I will never know if that was true because I didn't give myself a chance. I quit and didn't play a sport until I joined a frisbee team...12 years later. I let those stupid middle school boys dictate the rest of my school-age years. Ever since then, I've let myself believe that I won't succeed in something like sports. So, now, when my running gets hard, my mind immediately starts thinking, "You can't do this. This is too hard. You're not athletic...why would you convince yourself you could even try to run this much? You're not as skinny as that girl that just passed you...you don't stand a chance..."

It's so hard to keep going when that's all that goes through my head. But, I want to prove myself wrong. I want to prove those stupid middle school boys wrong. I may not be the fittest or the skinniest or the fastest, but I have the potential to do this. I have Jesus on my side and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. That needs to be my motivator. HE needs to be my motivator (although, Holly's a great one too!).

For it is in giving that we receive...

During worship at church on Sunday, we read a prayer out loud as a congregation that really spoke to me. It goes something like this:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

I posted a week or so ago about being in Madison to help Jennifer (and Holly), and my fear of doing things to be noticed/loved/whatever. I fear having selfish motives. This prayer at church spoke to me because it talks about how we need to do things to make things better for others. Instead of focusing on ourselves and what we get out of certain situations, we need to focus on other people and how they are being affected. And in this, we will receive the love, understanding, consolation, etc. that we long for.

Sometimes when I'm down, I sit and dwell on how I'm feeling and sulk that I'm feeling that way. How is that going to change anything? If I want to feel loved by others, I need to be someone that others want to love. Rather than focusing on me, I need to focus on being someone who brings light to people (both friends and strangers)...someone who gives of themselves to help others...someone who loves unconditionally.

Jesus lived a hard life where he was often mistreated. Even though He is the God of the universe, He lived a life of persecution and serving on this Earth. Yet, when we read about Him, He never dwelled on how hard his life was, or sulked about how He was tired or being mistreated or didn't feel loved. He knew His Father loved Him and He came to the world to give that love to others. I should be doing the same. This life isn't about me. It's about spreading God's love to others. While pouring into others, they will in turn pour into me. God will provide the right people in my life to help me on this journey. But, I can't expect people to pour into me while I'm just sitting on my butt worrying about myself.

I often feel like I blend into the crowd and get lost in the shadows. What if I was someone who loved "out loud" more? I bet I wouldn't feel lost in the shadows as much...

Trying to be creative

I felt like being creative and getting a new blog background. In other words, I need a life... :P