I am enough because You are enough

A little over a week ago, I was able to get together with some of my former Oregon coworkers for dinner.  It was so great!  They make me laugh and feel like I'm part of the family.  I love them dearly.

One thing that made this night interesting was that the two new kindergarten teachers that replaced me came (one was the one I had interviewed against but was later moved to a permanent position, and the other was the one hired to replace me after the first one was moved to a permanent position).  Before they got there, I asked my former aide Kris how it was going with them and her response was "fine, but they're not you."  After meeting them, they seem nice but they're very young.  I'm sure they're doing fine, but I just find the whole thing so interesting.  I would love to ask the superintendent what they have that I don't.

Later in the night, they were asking me about life and inevitably the topic of relationships (or the lack thereof) came up.  Kris' daughter Ali was with us and she and Kris started talking about how Ali's friend Jeff would be perfect for me.  He goes to my church, is an athletic trainer for the Badger football team, and is just an all-around nice, good-looking guy.  This got the rest of my coworkers really excited and they started devising a way for me to meet him.  We decided that I am going to meet him next weekend after the football game.  I guess they usually go out to one of the bars by the stadium after the game, so I'll meet up with them after the game.  I like that it will be a casual group thing with people I feel comfortable with.

Part of me is really excited.  The more they told me about him, the more he sounded like the type of guy I've been looking for.  But, last weekend, I started to struggle with some thoughts of inadequacy and overall lack of self esteem.

On Sunday, I was at my friend Kristin's for the Packer game.  During one of the commercial breaks, she started to tell us about how she sat behind one of the hottest guys at church a couple of weeks ago.  She went on to say that they talked a bit during the meet and greet but she had decided to try to ask him out if he stuck around after church.  He didn't end up sticking around and she didn't get another chance to talk to him.  At this point, I started to tell the girls about the guy my coworkers want to set me up with.  As we talked, Kristin and I realized we were talking about the same guy!  I felt bad at first, but Kristin was cool about it.

Later that night, my roommate Rachel texted me from church to tell me that she was sitting next to the guy at church!  When she came home, she said I have some "competition" because she saw Kristin talking to him after church.  I had been texting with Kristin and I know she isn't going to ask him out or anything because my friends are trying to set me up with him, but I didn't like that Rachel called it competition.  I've spent too much of my life comparing myself to other girls and even thinking other girls have things that I don't that make them more desirable to guys.  And of course, Kristin is tall, skinny, pretty, athletic, nice...so I suddenly felt uneasy about the whole thing.

I started thinking about the things I've heard about this guy which made me feel like this kind of guy wouldn't like a girl like me.  If he's really as hot and fit as people are saying, why would he like little old me?  I don't usually attract hot, athletic guys.  I feel like those kind of guys like skinny, athletic girls.  I then started thinking about the whole Kristin thing.  If he didn't like Kristin, he definitely wouldn't like me.  On the other hand, if he did like her, then there was no chance for me.  I kept thinking about how it was just going to be a lost cause with me on the losing end.

All this thinking was driving me crazy and stressing me out.  I quickly realized that I couldn't let myself think like that.  If God is in ultimate control, anything can happen and He has it all planned out.  God has shown me in the past that He can overcome things that feel like pretty big obstacles in my life, and without fail, it's been the right thing for my life.  I'm slowly realizing that these self esteem struggles, or whatever you want to call them, are still evident in my mind.  I thought I was doing better with feeling confident in and accepting who I am, but apparently it hasn't been completely surrendered.  As I've thought more about it, my actions with guys in the past have made it pretty clear that I don't see myself the way God sees me.  I've dated (if you can even call it dating...mostly just messing around with) guys I knew weren't good for me and clinging too much to them in order to feel wanted.

The sermon at church this morning really put things in perspective for me.  Our pastor talked about three characteristics that followers of Christ have, with the last one being "faith that God can and will do what He promises."  I call my self a follower of Christ, and I've had this faith in the past, but in this area of my life, I don't really live with this kind of faith.  My actions don't show that I trust Him.  In addition, I can't live my life thinking I'm not enough or finding my worth in guys.  My identity needs to be in Christ, and believing He made me the way I am with a purpose.  To help me with this, I picked up a book called You're Already Amazing (kind of a cheesy title, but it looks/sounds good) that helps women find and live in their strengths, and embrace who God made them to be without feeling like they need to do/have/be more.  I'll update you with anything I learn from reading this book.  Hopefully it'll be a lot!! :)

Summer Hiatus

Well it looks like I didn't just take a break from school for the summer.  I neglected this blog a bit...sorry!

Quick update:
I got a 1 year (of course) job teaching kindergarten in DeForest, northeast of Madison.  I moved to Waunakee (northwest of Madison) with a friend from my lifegroup.  I taught summer school this summer.  I had ridiculous amounts of fun with my friends.  I co-captained a losing frisbee team but still found a way to have fun.

Okay, now to the important stuff.  :-P  Throughout my whole job search this summer, I felt a crazy peace about it.  I was frustrated with how it worked out and sad about having to leave good friends behind, but I wasn't worried about finding a new job.  Not only does it work out every year, but I decided that things were going to be okay because God has never let me down in that area of my life.  Don't get me wrong, His plans definitely haven't been anything I would've written for myself.  I would've planned things differently...but I probably wouldn't be the person I am now had I been the author of my plans.  God's plans have definitely been tougher, but they have not only made me a better teacher, but a more trusting follower of Christ.  Win.

Since school has started (well since I started working at my new school in August), I've struggled a bit with trying to understand why God chose to play things out they way He did.  The way I lost my job in Oregon was the only way I could've been without a job.  There's no doubt it wasn't where God wanted me.  And I do believe it helped me trust in His plan more than I have in the past.  Maybe that was the only reason for it.  But I keep wondering if there's another reason.  I like my new school and my new coworkers...but it's not quite the same as last year.  I don't feel a connection with any of my new coworkers like I did last year.  From the beginning, I felt like my coworkers in Oregon were not just coworkers, but dear friends.  I don't really feel that yet this year.  I don't get the same "this is where I'm supposed to be" feeling like I did last year.  It just all makes me wonder what God's purpose is.

I also feel like I've been in this paradox of being super thankful and excited about the community of friends I've built here in Madison while recently feeling the "single blues."  I've grown closer to an amazing group of women through my lifegroup and church.  We've tried to make it a point to have girls' nights at least twice a month and a recent trip to a friend's farm allowed for some awesome heart to heart with a couple girls.  I'm loving my life here.  Frisbee, girls' nights, lifegroup get-togethers, roommate bonding.

But then I see more of my friends finding new relationships and it makes me long for the day I can find that again too.  I don't necessarily feel lonely here.  On the contrary, I have a social life that keeps me quite busy.  But I long for that companionship.  Girls' time is one thing.  I enjoy having girls to hang out with and get to know better.  But I miss having that person.  I miss the closeness that only a significant other can give.  I miss hearing that I am beautiful and desired.  As each friend finds a new relationship, it makes me wonder when it will be my turn.

I've been reminded that finding a relationship isn't the ultimate goal.  Knowing and loving God intimately is.  I'm (slowly) reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and tonight I read this quote that stuck out to me: "His pleasure matters more than mine.  But His pleasure includes mine...Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good.  And somehow, inevitably, at some point I discover joy."  Just like with my career, God is in ultimate control.  But I have to keep reminding myself that this ultimate control doesn't mean God is a vending machine where I can just tell him my requests and wait for Him to send them to me.  There will be times that things don't work out the way I wish they would.  I sure have experienced that.  Rather than finding ways to try to make myself feel better, I need to focus on pleasing God, growing closer to Him and knowing Him better, and learning how to love others well.  This will produce a joy that only God can give.  And not only will this produce joy, but it is promised.  God doesn't promise to give us everything we want, but He promises to do what is best for us so that we can experience joy in Him.  The blessings He gives us this side of Heaven are just that...blessings.  They shouldn't be my ultimate goal though.  I'm trying to learn how to live in a way that pleases God, not because I want something, but to honor Him.  That will give me more joy than a husband will.

Well, it's official...I again am going into another summer without a job for the fall.  I found out from my principal they chose the other candidate about 2 weeks ago, and even though I knew it was a possibility, it was devastating news.  If you know me well, you know that I don't cry often.  I especially don't cry when I'm given time to process something coming (like when I had time to process my great aunt dying for about a month before it happened).  But when I found out I wasn't coming back to Brooklyn, I bawled.  Well, I waited to bawl until after I left my principal's office.  But I just sat in the teacher's workroom with my coworkers and cried.

I've worked at my fair share of schools, and never have I cried about leaving one of them.  I've loved every school I've worked at, but leaving Brooklyn is by far the hardest.  There's something special about that school.  Right from the start, I felt like it was a God thing that I got hired there.  The principal believed in me right from my interview, even though I felt like my interview there was the same as every other interview I've had at other schools.  She saw the skills I knew I had and didn't just judge me based on my computer application or my age.  Instead of seeing me as someone with only one year of full-time classroom experience, she saw each of my previous jobs as experience.  I felt welcomed and a part of the Brooklyn community right away.  The teachers were so great with including me, wanting to get to know me, and supporting me right from the start.  I've never worked in a school with hardly any drama and just a sense of calmness as you walk through the halls.  It's an incredible school and my heart hurts just thinking about not being there anymore.

But, this stage of life isn't new for me anymore.  I go through this every year, and sure enough, every year God works things out.  In the moment it isn't what I want, but at the end of every year I can look back and see exactly why God put me into each job I've had thus far.  So, when I heard that I might not have a job again next year, I felt like I was being put to the test.  It's like God was thinking "Let's see how she handles it this time."  Usually, I have my freak out moment (or moments) where I whine or complain that all I want to do is teach and I sit and wish life were different.  This year was a little different with how I lost my job so I went through an angry period.  Not at God, but at the administrators behind it all, making the decision about my job when they hardly know me.  But I haven't had a freak out moment yet.  I feel relatively calm about things.  People have even commented on how well I'm taking things.  Yes I'm upset/sad I can't stay at Brooklyn, yes I think I was judged unfairly, but for the last 5 years God has worked everything out.  And not only that, but He's worked it all out so that I am completely prepared for each new job I come along.  There's no doubt that my job this year has built me up even more as a teacher.  I can only be grateful for the time I had at Brooklyn and look forward to what God has planned for me next.

I've learned a few things from this whole process:

1.  I am so loved and supported!  I knew this before because I get a lot of that love and support each time I lose my job, but this year has been different.  I had teachers at school give me flowers, cry, and get really angry when they found out I wasn't returning.  Not only that, but it has driven some teachers and parents to actually write letters and say something to administration about how upset they are that I'm leaving.  All because of me leaving...just me.  It's one thing to just be upset, but it's a whole other thing to take action, especially those that are still employees in the district.  This has happened to other teachers in the past, but no one responded the way they have with me.  It's been so encouraging!

2.  I really am a good teacher.  I mean, I always believed that about myself, but it's easy to think that it's just your own belief until you hear it from others.  I've heard it from other teachers I've worked with in the past, but when you don't get hired time after time, it's easy to waver from that belief.  Even though the higher up administrators didn't think I was skilled enough, every other person in my school told me time and again how great of a teacher I am.  I remember hearing that even within the first couple weeks of school from the reading teacher next door to me...someone who hardly knew me just came up to me one day and told me how great of a teacher I am merely from listening to me from next door.  Of course there are still things I can work on to get better, but for my age and for only having 2 years of full-time classroom experience, I'm pretty darn good.  :)  The administrators are the ones that are losing out on a great teacher and it was their choice to ignore all the things my principal told them about me.  They are the ones with the issues, not me.

3.  It's okay to be sad, upset, or angry.  At first, I was angry at the administrators.  I thought angry thoughts about them and sometimes even expressed them to my friends or family.  But then I felt a little guilty for being angry at the administrators putting me through this.  I realized that being angry at the people behind this isn't going to do anything except harbor unkind thoughts in me, but I realized it's okay to feel angry at a situation when you feel like you're (or someone else) being treated unfairly.  Human nature makes us want things to be fair.  If we didn't feel anger or sadness for unfair things, we would always sit back and just let the unjustness in the world pass us by.  It's those strong feelings that make us want to do something.  While I can't really do much from my position to change things, other people are being called into action.  And while I don't think it will affect my job situation, it's good to know that other people might be saved from unjustly being let go in the future.  And rather than let the administrators' feelings about me get me down, I'm that much more determined to find a new job and be that much better at it.

Thanks to those of you who still read this (all 3 of you! :P) for your support and encouragement.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people pulling and praying for me.  :)

Here We Go Again...

Just when I thought I was going to be able to know where I will be working next year before school let out for the first time, God decided it shouldn't be that easy.

I'm in an interim position, which means that as long as the teacher I'm replacing continues her internship, (she's doing an admin internship), I have to reapply and reinterview each year for another 1 year contract.  Sarah (the teacher I'm replacing) decided to stick with the internship, which meant I got to interview to keep my position.  I first interviewed with my principal and one of my kindergarten teammates and then interviewed with the superintendent and curriculum director about a week and a half ago.

I thought the 2nd interview went really well.  The superintendent and curriculum director know who I am, so when I sat down, they simply said "You've been through this before.  There's no need to go through all the formalities.  We just want to talk about how your year has been."  I talked about many things I've experienced this year, making sure to slip in things I know they were looking for (data, intervention, student success, parent communication, etc.).  I felt like it went really well.  They nodded along with a lot of the things I said.  Afterwards, the superintendent told me I'd probably hear a decision the next week (this past week) because they had one more person to interview.

Later that afternoon, my principal called me and told me that things were going to take a bit longer than they had expected.  She told me the reason was because the second person they interviewed wasn't qualified and they wanted my principal to reopen the position online for 2 weeks and go through the whole interview process again.

The next day, my principal came into my classroom during my prep time, sort of freaking out.  She said that she had no idea why they were making her reopen the position online and why she has to go through the whole process again.  She then asked how my interview went and what I said.  She agreed with what I said and talked about, thought it was what they were wanting to hear, but then said that she was really nervous.  She essentially was leading on to the fact that there was something about me that the superintendent and curriculum director didn't like and there was some reason they didn't want to just default the position to me when the 2nd interviewer didn't work out.  That, of course, led me to start getting nervous.

After an initial freak out period, I started thinking about other reasons why they would be going through all this.  Maybe it's just a formality.  Maybe they weren't even able to interview the other girl at all and they have to interview two people before making a decision.  I went through just about every possible scenario.

Because I'm a first year teacher in the district, I'm under an evaluation year.  I had to put together a Professional Learning Plan and I had to present it to my principal yesterday.  I made sure to go above and beyond on it in the event that my principal's worries were true.  Needless to say, she was impressed with it.  After telling me that she was impressed, she asked if she could keep it.  I of course said yes.  She said that she wanted to keep it not only to finish my evaluation, but to show it to the superintendent and curriculum director.  My principal is a pretty emotional person and has been known to cry on a few occasions.  As she said that she wanted to show it to them, she got teary eyed.  She said that she couldn't tell me why, but they needed to see it and that she was going to do whatever she could to keep me.  What?!

So, apparently there was something I said or did or whatever that is making the superintendent and curriculum director hesitate with rehiring me.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I could understand it if I did something that caused worry, but I haven't done ANYTHING wrong!  My principal has only raved about me and my teaching all year.  I've taken advantage of learning opportunities that the district has offered.  I signed up to do curriculum work this summer.  What the heck could be the issue??

What makes me nervous is the curriculum director.  She was the principal at my school last year and apparently got rid of a great interim 1st grade teacher for no apparent reason.  She gave this girl good feedback on her teaching all year and then when it came down to rehiring her, she didn't and didn't give a reason why.  She has a track record of just getting rid of interim teachers for no apparent reason.  And now, as the curriculum director, she has even more power.  Luckily for me, I have my principal on my side fighting for me as much as she can.  She's not going to let me go down without a fight, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.

I'm sure this is another testing of my faith.  But sometimes I get to a point where I just want to ask God why.  Why do I have to go through all this yet again?  Why does everyone else find and get to keep jobs they love?  I know God never promised an easy life, but I seriously feel like I can't ever catch a break.

We just read Job in church for our Bible in a Year plan.  Job couldn't ever catch a break either because Satan wanted to show God that if bad things happened to Job, he would turn his back on God.  Job never did.  I don't want to be mad at God for having to go through this stuff every year and I desperately want to trust that it's all a part of a greater purpose.  But some days, I'm just plain mad and frustrated.  Mad that people with power do crappy things to good people.  Frustrated that I put everything I had into this year and it feels like it wasn't good enough.  Sad that I could potentially have to leave a school and district that I love so dearly, even after only one year.  But it's out of my control now and I just have to trust that God will work it out...somehow.

It's been over a month since I've blogged...whoops!  Things have been busy, but mostly I've just been exhausted from work and kind of went into hibernation mode.  I haven't kept up with my weekly NORs like I've wanted to mainly because the last thing I've wanted to do after work is to keep real clothes on and go somewhere.  I kept telling myself I would just do it from home, but let's face it...when I'm home after work curled up in my bed, my brain wants to just turn off.  I catch up on my shows online instead of processing life.

One thing I've discovered, though, with doing my church's Eat This Book Bible in 1 year challenge is that I really enjoy sleeping in on a Saturday and waking up to drink my coffee and read my Bible.  I am NOT a morning person and it takes me a good hour to feel awake and ready to go.  So my idea of a perfect Saturday morning is to stay curled up in bed with my coffee and catch up on my Bible reading for church and/or other reading.  This morning, I did my daily reading for church and then caught up on a couple of websites I try to follow.  One of them had a post that caught my attention and made me process a little.

Read it here.

I almost didn't read it because it starts out with the author talking about struggles she has as a mom in her 30s.  I thought to myself, "Ugh, here's another another post I can't relate to."  For whatever reason, I kept reading.  It went on to talk about two different kinds of love: love that is loyal, steadfast, and faithful (God's covenant love) and love that is full of desire and delight.  I ended up relating quite a bit with the woman who wrote the article because, although we're in different life stages, we both want to be loved through someone desiring us and delighting in us.

My past relationships scream this.  I clung to different guys because I felt a "connection."  I felt known, desired, and wanted.  I'm not saying that connection didn't always exist with those guys, but it was the connection that made me cling to those guys despite knowing it might be unhealthy or not right.  I made stupid decisions with them because, unconsciously, it was my way of making sure they stuck around.  I fear not being desired.

I see this in my friendships too.  I love when people show an interest in getting to know me past surface level.  I love when people ask me about difficult situations in my life (even though it's hard to talk about difficult situations sometimes) because it shows me they want to know me.  I love being known.  I love when people say "this made me think of you" or "I knew you'd love this" because it shows that they know the quirks and things that are unique to me.

I long for the day when I meet a man that knows me, desires me, and delights in me so much that he wants to do it for the rest of his life.  It makes my heart ache when I watch person after person find that while I sit on the sidelines.

I had a glimpse of that with Janaque.  My relationship with him was one that, for the first time ever, I didn't feel like being with him was wrong.  There were no red flags that I could see.  I felt so known after such a short period of time because we had many similarities in how we thought and what we wanted.  He made me feel so desired.  When we were alone, he didn't want to let me go.  On the phone, he didn't want to hang up and we'd talk for hours.  I miss that so much!!!  It felt incredible.  I felt on top of the world...alive...content.

Despite me feeling like it was right, God apparently didn't think so.  The timing of everything with us was always off and it ultimately became the deciding factor.  Since then, I've been trying to cling to God's covenant love: that He will always be there and He will always love me.  I always thought desiring love was to be found in earthly relationships and that I could just rest in God's covenant love.

No wonder it's been such a struggle.  God doesn't love us just because He has to and He's promised to.  He wants to and desires each of us.  God knows me and delights in me.  He knows my needs and knows what makes me happy.  ME...not just people as a human race...ME.  That's good news to my mind...but I need to figure out how that can comfort my heart and my soul.  How can I tap into that comfort when it seems like every other girl is getting married or having a baby or squealing "I love my little family!" while posting a million pictures of her perfect life on Facebook?  How can I find the same feeling I found with Janaque in God?  With Janaque, it was reciprocal.  I could hear his voice telling me things that made my heart happy.  I could feel the warmth of his arms wrapped around me.  How can I feel that and be comforted with a God I can't see, hear, or feel?  It's good news that God will always love us and never leave us, but for me it's even better news that I can experience a love full of desire with Him.  I just need to figure out how.

Not much has changed since I last posted. And unfortunately, this post isn't going to have any profound thoughts. Sorry.

This week was kind of hard. Nothing new has happened. I'm just really struggling with not talking to Janaque in now a month. Some days are fine. Some days I feel sad. I honestly have tried to not think about him and have tried my best to move on. Whatever that means. But it has gotten to the point where I still cannot go a day without thinking of him. Sometimes something reminds me of him. But usually, he literally just pops into my head for no reason. I'll be busy at work or hanging out with friends and all of a sudden, there he is. And then I go back to missing him. How am I supposed to move on when that happens??

This whole not talking to him is torture. I don't just feel like I lost a guy I really cared about. I feel like I lost a very good friend. I HATE not knowing what he's doing or how things are going for him. And all the not knowing makes my mind think all the things I fear. He's moved on. He just told me all those reasons for breaking up just so he didn't have to be tied down to me. He's realized that he's able to go on without talking to me and being friends with me. They go on and on.

When I feel like this, it makes it VERY difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can tell myself over and over that God has a plan and it'll all turn out okay down the road. But telling myself that doesn't always fix my heart. Some days I still feel like crying. Some days I do still cry. I've asked God to comfort me and take away the sadness but I don't really feel like He completely has. Each day is easier than it used to be, but then there are days where I feel like I'm right back to where I was a month ago. Today is one of those days. I was looking for a Facebook message thread from my cousin and went past my last thread with Janaque. I opened it and read some of our old messages. I had forgotten how happy I was. I want to believe I'll feel those feelings again, but I still want to feel them with Janaque. I can't explain why I have these feelings or why it's been so hard. All I know is that it's beyond just being sad that a relationship is over. Yes, I want that, but I know how to get by without one. I've done it plenty of times. It's something about him as a person...as a friend...about how he made me feel...and feeling like it's gone.

Man, my blog must make me sound pathetic. I feel like every post is about how my life sucks or about how I'm feeling sad about something. I promise I'm not walking around depressed. I have good friends here, a great family, and awesome coworkers that make me laugh and that I enjoy hanging out with. But I think sometimes I'm just putting on a mask over how I'm really feeling. Sure, I may look relatively happy on the outside, but I'm not always feeling it on the inside. And, I for sure don't feel like I'm the same without Janaque in my life. I wish more people understood how I'm feeling. I feel like people think I'm ridiculous for feeling this for someone I, really, hardly dated. I don't really understand it myself, but it's real and I don't really know what to do with it.

That's it. Raw thoughts and feelings. No pretty red bow to tie the loose ends tonight.

When It Rains, It Pours...But God Has the Umbrella

Man, when it rains, it pours. On top of everything happening with Janaque 2 weeks ago, I've had roommate drama to the max over the past week.

To make a very long story a little shorter, a few weeks ago, my roommate Shirley told us that she was going to move out. She had been looking for a condo and things weren't exactly going well with all of us living together, so we (Amanda and I) told her that she could move out early if she found a place she liked. She asked us to help her find a subletter and said that as soon as we found one, she'd move out. We agreed, and found one within a couple of weeks. The subletter filled out the paperwork with our landlord and Shirley picked up and signed the paperwork for moving out early. When it came time for Amanda and I to sign the paperwork and get it turned in, Shirley changed her mind and said she wasn't moving out. Amanda got really upset. A few text messages were exchanged between Amanda and Shirley, and Shirley basically told Amanda that if she was the one with a problem, that she needs to be the one to move out. Amanda agreed out of anger and decided that Tuesday night at 10:30 pm was the best time to (loudly) pack. As soon as Shirley came out of her room to ask what Amanda was doing, Amanda flipped her lid and started yelling at Shirley. She said some pretty mean things to her. Shirley immediately went into her room, threatened to use her taser on Amanda (yes, her taser...this is who I'm living with), and proceeded to call the cops on her (for yelling, mind you). The cops came around 11:00 pm and basically told Amanda (after trying to sort through the situation for about an hour) that she needs to move out ASAP since Shirley was refusing to. Amanda moved out the next day. As if that wasn't enough, Shirley also put a restraining order on Amanda so she'll be arrested if she comes to the house.

So, that has become my life over the last week. Like I said, when it rains, it pours.

I haven't talked to Janaque since he left Wisconsin after visiting 2 weeks ago and now Amanda has moved out, leaving me with a roommate I don't talk to. I'm feeling kind of alone these days.

It's very easy to feel discouraged right now. Sometimes, I just want to give up. But, throughout all this crap, I've been reminded time and again that my suffering is for a greater purpose - a GOOD purpose.

Despite that promise and reminders of that promise, I still struggle with feeling sadness or discouragement for how things have turned out recently. What happened with Janaque and me is all for good reason. I don't doubt this is what he needs. I probably need this too. But what do I do with these feelings? Do I try to forget about him? Do I pray that my feelings for him go away? I suppose time will tell. I haven't quite figured out the reason for the roommate drama, but nevertheless, my focus needs to be redirected. I once again let myself get caught up with a boy. Even when I thought I was surrendering things to God, I was really only picking and choosing what I wanted to surrender. Suddenly, my desires and dreams became the focus. So, God decided it was necessary to take away what I was choosing to cling onto and what was comfortable in order to fulfill His greater purposes and teach me. It's hard because it's easy to think that God will do what makes us happy. I want to get married...that isn't a bad dream to have. But sometimes we have to lose what makes us happy now to experience true blessing and life later. That makes it SO hard to hold onto the hope that this suffering will lead to greater life and TRUE joy (not just happiness in circumstances). But, if I TRULY say I believe in God - Yahweh - I have to stand firm in that belief at ALL times, no matter the circumstances.

I just started reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. It is so what I need to read right now. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it already. Tonight I read about Jesus going to the Mount of Olives the night before his crucifixion. Crabb pointed out that Jesus went to the mountain to cry and plead with God. Jesus himself struggled with desiring the same thing God desired ("Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me." Luke 22:42a). He didn't necessarily like the idea of having to be crucified, and he asked that God would consider changing His mind. But the next part is the clincher: "Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Luke 22:42b Imagine if Jesus hadn't held God's will higher than His own. Imagine if God had just given Jesus what He desired. We wouldn't have a Savior that gave us a way to Heaven! Jesus' suffering was necessary for God's bigger plan. And it ended up being good in the end.

What I'm slowly learning is that it's not that I'm not allowed to be happy (see previous post). God does want to bless us and allow us to experience His love. But, our joy needs to be in Him, not our circumstances. God never promised us a life full of happiness, the perfect husband, 2 1/2 kids, and a house with a white picket fence. There will be times of trial (boy do I know that!) and there will also be times of joy. Our faith in God must be steady no matter what life throws at us.

"Though you have made me see troubles,

many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once more."

Psalm 71:20-21

What a week.

Janaque broke things off between us last Wednesday. The day before he planned to come to surprise me with a visit for my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

I don't really know who reads this anymore, so I'm sorry if you've already heard this once (or more!).

Last Wednesday, Janaque and I were talking on the phone on my way home from Lifegroup. It was a pretty normal, routine conversation. Once I got home, I told him I should probably go to bed. However, he kept talking and I couldn't really figure out why he wouldn't let me go to bed. He told me all about how he had a good, long talk with his sister that day. He talked to her about things he's struggling with, things he's feeling stressed/overwhelmed with, and about me. After their talk, it became apparent to him that he wasn't in the right place to emotionally invest in a relationship right now. He didn't think he could invest the amount he wanted to nor the amount he felt I deserved. He told me (vaguely) about a couple of things he's struggling with as well as fears he had if we were to keep trying things long distance while he was going through stuff.

He wrestled all that day with when the best time would be to tell me. He decided he needed to be upfront with me right away instead of pretending things were okay. He especially didn't think it was fair to pretend things were okay, have an amazing weekend together for my birthday (in which he would've met a lot of my friends in Milwaukee and my parents), and then break things off. I agreed that option would've been a jerky move. However, telling me right before my birthday put a huge damper on the whole weekend. My birthday is my favorite day of the year and this was the first year that I actually wasn't excited for my birthday. If you know me at all, you know it's kind of a big deal for me to not be excited for my birthday.

He told me that he was still planning on coming so he could see other friends, but he let me decide if we would see each other. He knew it was a blow to me and understood if it was going to be too hard to see him. I told him that I wanted to see him. If anything, we needed to talk about things more in person. He came over Thursday night and we had a really good talk. After I cried on his shoulder when I saw him and he gave me a hug of course. I am a mess these days.

After talking on Thursday night, we just decided to enjoy being with each other one last time (for however long that ends up being) rather than sitting around just being sad. We picked up where we left things when he moved and it felt like he hadn't even been gone. We hung out most of the day on Friday and literally did nothing together...and it was amazing. It felt like a honeymoon (or what I imagine a honeymoon feeling like), where you don't want to go anywhere because you just want to hold each other and be close. The original plan was for him to join my sister and I on a day trip to Chicago on Saturday for my birthday, but in light of the recent events, he didn't feel like that was appropriate. I didn't know if I was going to be able to come back to Madison on Saturday after Chicago, so we said our goodbyes on Friday.

After Chicago, I got to my parents' house around 10:00 pm. It was late and it had been a long day, but I ultimately decided I needed to see Janaque one more time before he left. It killed me to know he was so close and I wasn't with him. So, I drove back to Madison Saturday night and he and I hung out Saturday night and Sunday morning. It was the best decision I made. I was afraid of it making things harder or it making me sadder, but I decided that things were about as hard and as sad as they could get. I'd rather be sad and with Janaque than sad and alone. For whatever reason, the post-Chicago visit felt happier. We both just felt happy to be with each other one more time. We tried not to think about him leaving and us not being together anymore.

This past week has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever experienced. I'm not an emotional person, so I'm extra exhausted. I can't seem to stop crying when I think about him, about what we had (even all that time we had to get to know each other over the phone), and what could've been. I don't really know why it's hitting me like this. I feel like I lost someone I've loved for years, not someone I've only known for 5 months and casually dated for 3 months. I feel kind of foolish when I find myself crying over it because it shouldn't be hitting me like this.

I think my emotions are a culmination of things. Over the weekend, it was partly due to disappointment and ruined birthday plans. When I found out he was going to surprise me for my birthday (my sister spilled the beans to me early), I've never been so excited for something in my life. I dreamt of all the weekend was going to hold and I could hardly contain my excitement. When it all fell apart, it felt devastating. The other factor to my emotions are just sadness over the happiness being over. He made me happier than I've ever been with someone. I can't really explain why. I felt loved. I felt special. He made me laugh. I felt alive. I'm not only going to miss feeling like that, but I'm going to miss HIM. Who he is. How he made me feel. Being a part of his life and including him in mine, even 1,000 miles apart.

I'm not mad at Janaque for any of this and completely understand why he needs to do this. I want him to be able to do this. I want what's best for him. I'm extremely frustrated with life though. My initial reaction to all this was frustration and confusion. Not only was I losing Janaque, it happened over my birthday. I still don't understand why God has chosen for things to happen this way. Before the weekend, I was even feeling like it was so cruel of God to rip this all away from me on my birthday. I know God does things for a reason and for our good, but my birthday?? C'mon God, really?

I've gotten to the point where I almost feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. Whether it's a job, friends, or this, I feel like as soon as I'm happy with where I'm at in life or what I have, it's ripped away from me. I've become VERY skeptical when I'm starting to feel really happy about something. I love the job I have now. My gut tells me it won't last past this year. I find some of the best friends I've ever had, and they move all over the country. It makes me not want to open up past a certain point to other people here. Although I was very happy with Janaque, I was often uneasy or scared to think it could last. My gut told me that it was all too good to be true. And it was. I'm so tired of feeling like I won't experience happiness in my life. I just feel like it's going to be stripped away from me. When will it be my turn, God? Why does everyone else around me get to experience it? What's wrong with me that I have to wait like this?

Despite all these feelings, I've been desperately trying to hold onto truth. I've been learning a lot about God and His character as my church has been reading through the Bible in a year together. I've learned that God has an ultimate plan and He doesn't waver from it...even if it takes 400 years for His plan to start to unfold like it did with the Israelites while they were slaves in Egypt. I've been trying to think back to other times in my life when I felt like things were falling apart, only for it to end up being a good thing. If I don't try to cling to these truths, I'll fall apart. I can't carry myself or hold myself up. I'm an emotional mess...I'm not strong enough to do that. I shouldn't have to. That's why Jesus came for us. I don't understand God's plan and I even have times where I'm frustrated or upset at how God is choosing to unfold His plan. But it's God. The God I believe in is loving. He always does what is best for us. He is ALWAYS good. It's hard for me to say that with a lot of belief behind it these days, but I choose to believe it. I want to believe God has something better for me. It can only get better, right?

In just 23 short days, I feel like 2012 has been pretty transforming for me already. The Eat This Book challenge at Blackhawk is really helping me to understand the Bible in a whole new way and I've been able to learn more a lot more about God's character through it.

I've been working a lot on trusting God through everything and truly believing in His plan over my own. It's been cool to read through Genesis and Exodus, and just watch God's plan weave through generation after generation. It's easy to dismiss the first few chapters because they make up so little of the actual Bible, but once I really thought about how many years pass from when God makes his covenant to Abraham to when God frees His people from Egypt in Exodus, it amazed me how His promises have held steadfast.

Despite feeling like I'm learning a lot, I obviously still have my days where it feels harder to leave it all up to God and not worry. This week was one of those weeks. For various reasons, Janaque and I didn't talk much this week. We Skyped last Tuesday but then didn't talk again until last night. In between, he didn't text me much. If he did respond to a text, it usually wasn't until hours later. I was trying not to become the "clingy girl," but it was hard to not hear from him much and not really know why. Partially because of the time of the month and partially because I'm a girl, it ate away at my mind. Satan really knows how to pick at your fears! Am I annoying him? Is he suddenly not interested in me? Is he mad at me? What is he doing that he's so busy he can't text me? Ahhhh I hate being a girl sometimes!!!

I still don't know the answers to some of those questions, but it was definitely a test of whether I was going to trust God and find comfort in Him, or let my fears eat away at me. Some days, I chose to rest in God. Other days, it was harder to do for whatever reason. The ironic thing was that when I chose to lay my fears at God's feet and just ask for Him to comfort my heart and mind, Janaque would respond almost immediately with something that quieted my fears. It happened multiple times this week. However, the days that I let myself dwell on my fears, I would feel uneasy all day.

I don't really know why I have such strong fears with Janaque sometimes. Part of me thinks it's because I'm used to the type of guy I've been with in the past...one that just interested in a fling, is not considerate of girls' feelings, or that just all of a sudden decides he's not interested anymore. Another part of me thinks that it's because this is the first time I'm feeling this happy with a guy and I'm terrified of it ending. I'm finding myself reverting back to my old way of thinking sometimes, where I didn't think I deserved anything good and good things were going to be taken away from me or kept from me.

No matter what is causing these fears, I need to learn to find my happiness and joy in God, not Janaque. Janaque is not perfect and will inevitably let me down in some way. Even if we end up spending the rest of our lives together, there will unaviodably be trials in our relationship. I absolutely cannot rely on our relationship to be my main source of joy. God is the only one who is unchangeable and can ALWAYS be relied upon. He will ALWAYS love me. He will ALWAYS guide me along His path. He will ALWAYS be with me. Even when it feels like He is silent. Even when times are tough. He is my rock in a shaky world.

I have no doubt that this whole thing with Janaque has been a huge source of growth for me. Not only can I pick out reasons why I think it's been so good for us that he moved, it has really helped me to rely on God throughout it all. It's a situation I feel totally out of control of, it's made me deal with lies I was believing about myself and God, and it's helping me trust Him for guidance in whatever happens in the future. Even though it's not an ideal situation from a selfish point of view, I don't think I would have it any other way.

Learning To Trust Again

I love when God makes a lesson clear to you through multiple ways. Last time I blogged, I wrote about how I've struggled with trusting God and surrendering complete control to Him. Tonight, the theme of trust jumped out of everything I read or listened to. You can hear God when you take the time to listen...

Right now, I'm reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's the author's journey in finding the joys among life's stresses and busyness through recording 1,000 gifts she's blessed with, and the lessons she learns along the way. Tonight's chapter? Trusting God.

One of the things that struck me from this chapter was when the author pointed out us trying to take control of things in our lives and not trusting God's ability is basically disbelief in God. She even went as far as to say it's basically atheism. If we truly believe in God, we must believe in the truths about God...including His power, ability, and goodness. When we try to take control of things in our lives and struggle to trust God, we're basically telling Him we don't think He can handle, fix, help, or do something in a situation. And if we don't think He can do something, we're not really believing.

In order to develop trust (true, deep, unfailing trust), we must look back at all the ways God has blessed us and helped us in the past. This will help us learn and realize God's power because we're able to look at things He's already done...and know He can do more.

It made me think about when I'm driving. There's a stretch on my way to work where there's a large bend in the road before a stoplight. Every morning, I always look ahead to the light to see if I should be stopping for a red light or if I can keep going through for a green light. Probably the safe thing to do, but there's plenty of time to prepare for a stop after the bend if needed. There's really no reason I need to look ahead so early. But I do it every morning. That's how I work. I like to see what's ahead. I like to know what I need to prepare for.

Instead, trusting God, as I'm slowly learning, is more like driving at night. Rather than being able to see far ahead down the road, you're limited to only seeing a few feet in front of you. You have to trust that the road is always going to be there in front of you, and that the car you're driving is going to get you to where you need to go, despite you not being able to fully see.

I'm reading through Genesis right now with my church's Bible-in-a-year plan. Pastor Chris explained how the story of creation is more of a story to teach us about the Creator. It shows us His power. His creativity. His sovereignty. If God can create a world like this - a universe like this - why can't He do anything else?? Why do I doubt His ability lead me in my tiny life? Genesis is bleeding with God's own creation sinning over and over again, right from the beginning...only for God to respond with blessing and redemption over and over again. Why do I doubt that He is good and will bless and redeem me? He had an entire plan of redemption for the Israelites that spanned generations. Each person and event had a specific purpose. Why wouldn't God have a specific purpose for each person and event in my life?

I still have a long way to go. There are no major decisions looming in my immediate future (in the next 4 months or so anyway), so it's easier to say these things now with confidence. The true test will be when I am faced with decisions or hard moments in life.