To make a very long story a little shorter, a few weeks ago, my roommate Shirley told us that she was going to move out. She had been looking for a condo and things weren't exactly going well with all of us living together, so we (Amanda and I) told her that she could move out early if she found a place she liked. She asked us to help her find a subletter and said that as soon as we found one, she'd move out. We agreed, and found one within a couple of weeks. The subletter filled out the paperwork with our landlord and Shirley picked up and signed the paperwork for moving out early. When it came time for Amanda and I to sign the paperwork and get it turned in, Shirley changed her mind and said she wasn't moving out. Amanda got really upset. A few text messages were exchanged between Amanda and Shirley, and Shirley basically told Amanda that if she was the one with a problem, that she needs to be the one to move out. Amanda agreed out of anger and decided that Tuesday night at 10:30 pm was the best time to (loudly) pack. As soon as Shirley came out of her room to ask what Amanda was doing, Amanda flipped her lid and started yelling at Shirley. She said some pretty mean things to her. Shirley immediately went into her room, threatened to use her taser on Amanda (yes, her taser...this is who I'm living with), and proceeded to call the cops on her (for yelling, mind you). The cops came around 11:00 pm and basically told Amanda (after trying to sort through the situation for about an hour) that she needs to move out ASAP since Shirley was refusing to. Amanda moved out the next day. As if that wasn't enough, Shirley also put a restraining order on Amanda so she'll be arrested if she comes to the house.
So, that has become my life over the last week. Like I said, when it rains, it pours.
I haven't talked to Janaque since he left Wisconsin after visiting 2 weeks ago and now Amanda has moved out, leaving me with a roommate I don't talk to. I'm feeling kind of alone these days.
It's very easy to feel discouraged right now. Sometimes, I just want to give up. But, throughout all this crap, I've been reminded time and again that my suffering is for a greater purpose - a GOOD purpose.
Despite that promise and reminders of that promise, I still struggle with feeling sadness or discouragement for how things have turned out recently. What happened with Janaque and me is all for good reason. I don't doubt this is what he needs. I probably need this too. But what do I do with these feelings? Do I try to forget about him? Do I pray that my feelings for him go away? I suppose time will tell. I haven't quite figured out the reason for the roommate drama, but nevertheless, my focus needs to be redirected. I once again let myself get caught up with a boy. Even when I thought I was surrendering things to God, I was really only picking and choosing what I wanted to surrender. Suddenly, my desires and dreams became the focus. So, God decided it was necessary to take away what I was choosing to cling onto and what was comfortable in order to fulfill His greater purposes and teach me. It's hard because it's easy to think that God will do what makes us happy. I want to get married...that isn't a bad dream to have. But sometimes we have to lose what makes us happy now to experience true blessing and life later. That makes it SO hard to hold onto the hope that this suffering will lead to greater life and TRUE joy (not just happiness in circumstances). But, if I TRULY say I believe in God - Yahweh - I have to stand firm in that belief at ALL times, no matter the circumstances.
I just started reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. It is so what I need to read right now. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it already. Tonight I read about Jesus going to the Mount of Olives the night before his crucifixion. Crabb pointed out that Jesus went to the mountain to cry and plead with God. Jesus himself struggled with desiring the same thing God desired ("Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me." Luke 22:42a). He didn't necessarily like the idea of having to be crucified, and he asked that God would consider changing His mind. But the next part is the clincher: "Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Luke 22:42b Imagine if Jesus hadn't held God's will higher than His own. Imagine if God had just given Jesus what He desired. We wouldn't have a Savior that gave us a way to Heaven! Jesus' suffering was necessary for God's bigger plan. And it ended up being good in the end.
What I'm slowly learning is that it's not that I'm not allowed to be happy (see previous post). God does want to bless us and allow us to experience His love. But, our joy needs to be in Him, not our circumstances. God never promised us a life full of happiness, the perfect husband, 2 1/2 kids, and a house with a white picket fence. There will be times of trial (boy do I know that!) and there will also be times of joy. Our faith in God must be steady no matter what life throws at us.
"Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more."
Psalm 71:20-21
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