I've been obsessed with Josh Garrels lately. He came to Blackhawk back in April to open up for Jars of Clay as part of the Pulse Arts Conference. I've been hooked ever since.
His music really resonates with me. Aside from his musicality just being phenomenal, his lyrics have a way of hitting my heart right where it's at. On the one album I have on my iPod, there are 5 straight songs that I could listen to on repeat. They all have something in the lyrics that hit my heart in different ways.
One of those songs is called Ulysses. The lyrics in this song really speak to how I've been feeling about Josh lately. In my last post, I said that I overall have felt pretty good about how things ended between us. To be completely honest, I haven't felt as sure about it the last couple of weeks. I've been a wreck at times. I can't even count on my fingers how many times I've shed tears while driving in my car, usually listening to Josh Garrels songs. I've cried myself to sleep a couple of times. I even found myself crying at the end of Cast Away tonight. I never cry at movies. Ever.
Don't worry, I'm not walking around moping all day. But I will say that the smile you see on my face isn't always real. I am usually pretty good at putting on a strong front when I'm around people. But by myself, it all comes out, lately in the form of tears.
I have some amazing women in my life who all have been stellar friends during this time. They have taken time to get together with me one-on-one, kept me busy with fun things, and sent me gifts that make me laugh. I am incredibly thankful for all of them, even if they aren't physically near me. I deeply appreciate their support. But to be honest, it doesn't bring Josh back. There's still a hole in my heart that girlfriends or gifts can't fill. A hole that is so incredibly gaping and obvious as I attend weddings, hear of more friends engaged, or see pictures of people having the time of their lives with a spouse and/or children. I have a great time with my friends when I'm with them. But I have never experienced so much happiness and fulfillment outside of being with Josh. It felt different than any happiness I've had before, and I would do anything to have it back.
So, that's where I'm at. I miss Josh more than I can explain. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions ranging from sadness to frustration to confusion. Sad that I can't see or talk to him (or the girls) regularly. Frustrated that I can't have my turn to experience what I long for so much. Confused as to why it's happening this way. And I don't really know what to do with that.
Sorry for being a bit of a downer. But I want to be real with where I'm at. I'm honestly not sitting around expecting Josh to come running back to me. I know there's a big chance I have to move on with my life. But that's going to take some time...and some desperate prayers to God to work in my heart. I've prayed at times more fervently than ever before, desperate for God to heal my heart. Feeling like this sucks and I know He's the only one that can do anything about it. It doesn't feel like anything is working yet, but I have to keep praying. Begging that if I'm not supposed to be with Josh someday, He would take these feelings away and help me move on. And if Josh and I are supposed to be together again someday, I pray that I would find peace in the meantime. No matter, I have to constantly remind myself that this all isn't happening because God doesn't love me. It doesn't feel a whole lot like love right now, but I'm sure it will someday, somehow.
"Ulysses" by Josh Garrels
I’m holding on to hope that one day this could be made right.
I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights.
Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night
But oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light.
I’m sailing home to you I wont be long
By the light of moon I will press on
Until, I find, my love
Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown
Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home
Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known
I’m sailing home to you I wont be long
By the light of moon I will press on
So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone
I want to hold, her in, my arms
