A lot has happened in the last 4 days.
A little background to the last few days. In the spring of 2008, I went with Crusade to Florida for their annual spring break evangelism trip. I had already graduated, so I went as "pseudo-staff" to help out. A few students from UW-Platteville came with us...one of them being a guy named Mike. About a month and a half ago, I saw Mike at church here in Milwaukee. I didn't say hi to him because I didn't think he'd remember me. That night, he messaged me asking me if I had been at church because he saw me there, but wasn't sure if it was me because he thought I still lived in Madison. Then, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I saw him at a friend's birthday party. This time I actually said hi to him and we quickly caught up on life for a few minutes. When he left the party later, he gave me his card and told me to call him if I ever wanted to grab coffee or something. I kind of thought this was interesting because we didn't really know each other very well, despite both going to Florida.
Last Saturday, I went with 8 other people from church on a day trip to Chicago. Mike was one of the people in the group. We spent the whole day catching up and getting to know each other. I noticed that he almost always sat next to me all day. He just overall seemed to be paying attention to me quite a bit...definitely more than most guys usually do. I tried not to think anything of it, but I definitely had questions and was curious if there was something there.
When I got home from the trip, I decided to send him a message to tell him that I really enjoyed reconnecting with him. I was very tempted to tell him to call me if he ever wanted to hang out, but chose not to so he could take the initiative if he really was interested. He responded the next day saying that a year a half is way too long to wait to see each other again. I told him that I'd love to hang out with him more often and that he could call or text me anytime.
The next day (last Monday), he texted me asking me what I was up to that night. I had plans that night, but told him that I was free the rest of the week (except Christmas, of course). We made plans to see each other Tuesday night.
We ended up planning to meet at a restaurant/bar called Mo's Irish Pub for Tuesday night trivia. It's something he does pretty regularly with his sister and some friends. When we got there, he was the only one from his team that had come. So, we played trivia by ourselves. We had such a good time. After trivia ended, we stayed for another hour or so just talking. By the end of the night, we had made plans to see each other again the next day.
Yesterday (Wednesday), he texted me asking if I wanted to come over to his place to help him bake banana bread. I went over at about 3:30 and I ended up hanging out with him until 1 am. Not long after I got to his place, he remembered that he had an appointment to see an apartment, so I went with him. When we got back, we baked the banana bread and played with his brother's puppy that he was puppysitting. After the bread was done, he made dinner for us. Then we went downtown to see the lights and hang out at the outdoor skating rink. We watched skaters fall and drank Starbucks. On Tuesday, our original plan was to see a movie at the budget theater, so since we didn't do that on Tuesday, we drove down on Wednesday to catch a late show. It had been snowing all day/evening, so we got there much later than expected and missed the movie. We decided to catch the last movie that was playing...which was Zombieland. Not really a "date" movie, but still fun. After the movie, we went back to his place and talked until I left at 1 am.
I have really enjoyed the last two days with Mike. I feel really comfortable around him and we have a good time together. He hasn't come out and expressed specific feelings for me, but he's acted like he's interested. He opens doors for me. He's paid for most of the things we've done together. He even said I would be a cute meteorologist when I told him that I considered that as a career option for a short amount of time. And the fact that he wanted to see me two days in a row leads me to believe he's interested.
I still get very nervous though. In the past, I've had guys back away after spending time with me and getting to know me more. Granted, I never went out on official dates with those guys...but they showed interest in me and then backed away. So much of me is excited about the last few days, but I'm also a little scared. I'm starting to really like this guy. But what if it doesn't work out? What if he stops pursuing me and initiating dates? I know there's the other side...what if it does work? But for some reason, my mind wants to dwell on the negative questions. I haven't dated anyone in almost 7 years and have had few (normal) guys show interest in me. I've struggled a lot with my self-worth and thinking that someone would be interested in me someday in the last few years. So it seems unbelievable to me that Mike is truly interested. I want to believe it, but I still struggle with thinking that there are prettier girls he could be interested in.
Nevertheless, it's happening and it's made me really trust God in this whole thing. When I came back from Chicago, I prayed for my heart, as well as for Mike. When I have an interest in someone, I pray for God's will to be done...if it's not His will for me to be with this person, I ask that He change my feelings. So far, my feelings for Mike have only grown. I need to continue to be in prayer about all of this. And I need to trust that God has my interests at heart and will take care of me. God can make anything happen...it's definitely possible that this could be the start of something big in my life. But if not, I still need to trust in God's bigger plan for me.
It's been hard not to get overly excited. My mind and heart want to run away into the future and what could be. I just keep praying that God will help me keep some perspective and carry me through this. I'll keep you guys updated! :)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Today is December 17. In my world, one thing comes to mind on this day each year:
It's my ex-boyfriend Andrew's birthday.
Quick recap for those who don't know. I met Andrew through my church's youth group retreats. We dated a bit junior year of high school, but took a break from dating until senior year of high school. We dated a little over a year, with MANY ups and downs. Problems arose once I went to college. He became emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and would get so angry with me at the drop of a hat. It was like walking on egg shells with him. Yet, when he wasn't mad at me, he was so loving to me. I loved him very much and we often talked about when we would get married.
We had such an unhealthy relationship. But, I was completely blind to it until after we broke up freshman year of college. Looking back, I realized how many things were wrong in that relationship and I have learned a lot from it. Looking back, I now know why God put him and our experiences in my life. I'm glad it didn't work out because it was so unhealthy. Yet, on this day, I think about him often. I think about what we went through. I told my sister earlier tonight that it was his birthday, and her response was, "Why do you remember that??" I don't know why his birthday is a date that sticks out in my mind. And I don't know why he comes to mind so often on this day.
He was terrible to me. There are many things I struggle with internally because of the things he said and did to me. I don't miss him. But why do I think about him? Why do I remember his birthday?
Even though I don't miss him, I do miss the idea of him. I do miss having someone to love. And having someone love me (most of the time) in return. I miss having that person to talk to each night. I miss having that companionship...that's only ours. I haven't dated anyone since Andrew and I broke up almost 7 years ago. And while I usually do okay with being single, certain days bring back memories. And those memories make me realize how long I've been single.
He's been happily married for about a year now. He was the abusive one...yet I'm the one who's alone. Not completely alone, I know. I have great friends and family, and an amazingly merciful God. But there are days I just feel...alone. Friday nights when everyone has plans and I'm sitting at home alone, watching movies and eating pizza. I've heard the cliche "it's worth the wait" talk, but it doesn't always feel true.
I'm glad December 17 only lasts one day.
It's my ex-boyfriend Andrew's birthday.
Quick recap for those who don't know. I met Andrew through my church's youth group retreats. We dated a bit junior year of high school, but took a break from dating until senior year of high school. We dated a little over a year, with MANY ups and downs. Problems arose once I went to college. He became emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and would get so angry with me at the drop of a hat. It was like walking on egg shells with him. Yet, when he wasn't mad at me, he was so loving to me. I loved him very much and we often talked about when we would get married.
We had such an unhealthy relationship. But, I was completely blind to it until after we broke up freshman year of college. Looking back, I realized how many things were wrong in that relationship and I have learned a lot from it. Looking back, I now know why God put him and our experiences in my life. I'm glad it didn't work out because it was so unhealthy. Yet, on this day, I think about him often. I think about what we went through. I told my sister earlier tonight that it was his birthday, and her response was, "Why do you remember that??" I don't know why his birthday is a date that sticks out in my mind. And I don't know why he comes to mind so often on this day.
He was terrible to me. There are many things I struggle with internally because of the things he said and did to me. I don't miss him. But why do I think about him? Why do I remember his birthday?
Even though I don't miss him, I do miss the idea of him. I do miss having someone to love. And having someone love me (most of the time) in return. I miss having that person to talk to each night. I miss having that companionship...that's only ours. I haven't dated anyone since Andrew and I broke up almost 7 years ago. And while I usually do okay with being single, certain days bring back memories. And those memories make me realize how long I've been single.
He's been happily married for about a year now. He was the abusive one...yet I'm the one who's alone. Not completely alone, I know. I have great friends and family, and an amazingly merciful God. But there are days I just feel...alone. Friday nights when everyone has plans and I'm sitting at home alone, watching movies and eating pizza. I've heard the cliche "it's worth the wait" talk, but it doesn't always feel true.
I'm glad December 17 only lasts one day.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I love my career.
I went to Heritage's Christmas vocal concert last Friday to see my former students perform and to say hi to some of my former coworkers. Of course it was fun to see the students, but talking to some of the parents was the highlight of the night. The parents I saw that night gave me the biggest hugs I've had in a while.
One dad was looking all over for me when he heard I was going to be there, and when I did find him, he kept talking about how mad he was that I'm not at the school anymore and how big of an impact I had on his daughter. He also told me that his family still prays for me.
Another mom told me that she prays all the time for me to find my way back to Heritage (although in the same breath, telling me that I'm probably better off where I'm at now).
A grandma (who I actually saw at church on Sunday, not at the concert) kept telling me how much her family misses me and how excited she was to see me.
Many times when I look back on last year, the stressful and negative moments take over my memories. It was the hardest, most stressful, frustrating, and draining year of my life. Yet, despite how many times I was frustrated with my class last year, their faces still light up when I visit. And their parents tell me all those wonderful things. It's hard for me to see that I made an impact on my students' lives, but it was really encouraging to hear that I had made a difference. It was encouraging to hear how much the students enjoyed their 3rd grade year.
I'm excited to see where God takes me after this year in my career. I will always let those encouraging words and memories bring me through the years to come.
I went to Heritage's Christmas vocal concert last Friday to see my former students perform and to say hi to some of my former coworkers. Of course it was fun to see the students, but talking to some of the parents was the highlight of the night. The parents I saw that night gave me the biggest hugs I've had in a while.
One dad was looking all over for me when he heard I was going to be there, and when I did find him, he kept talking about how mad he was that I'm not at the school anymore and how big of an impact I had on his daughter. He also told me that his family still prays for me.
Another mom told me that she prays all the time for me to find my way back to Heritage (although in the same breath, telling me that I'm probably better off where I'm at now).
A grandma (who I actually saw at church on Sunday, not at the concert) kept telling me how much her family misses me and how excited she was to see me.
Many times when I look back on last year, the stressful and negative moments take over my memories. It was the hardest, most stressful, frustrating, and draining year of my life. Yet, despite how many times I was frustrated with my class last year, their faces still light up when I visit. And their parents tell me all those wonderful things. It's hard for me to see that I made an impact on my students' lives, but it was really encouraging to hear that I had made a difference. It was encouraging to hear how much the students enjoyed their 3rd grade year.
I'm excited to see where God takes me after this year in my career. I will always let those encouraging words and memories bring me through the years to come.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It's been quite a busy week. Well, compared to my normal schedule anyway. On Monday, I hung out with a couple of girls from my Bible study to watch the Packer game. We had a blast watching the game and talking about which Packers we think are cute. ;) I'm really enjoying getting to know them better.
On Tuesday, I went with a small group of people from my Bible study to volunteer at a halfway house called Jeremy House. It's a temporary home for people with mental illnesses. We cooked them dinner and just hung out with a few residents for about an hour and a half. The whole thing was totally out of my comfort zone. To start, I'm not a good cook. And I'm not great at making conversation with people I don't know...let alone people with mental illnesses. But it turned out to be kind of nice. There was one resident named Sue there that was interesting to talk to. She is a recovering alcoholic and told us about how her 27 year old daughter stopped talking to her because of her addiction. She got teary-eyed when she told us that her only Christmas wish was to talk to her daughter again. It was sad to hear Sue's story. But she was very grateful for the meal and the company. I'm glad we were able to be a dim light in a lot of darkness in her life right now.
On Wednesday, when just about everyone else in the area had a snow day, I ended up having to sub for one of the kindergarten teachers I work with. Because of the weather, the district ran out of subs, so I had to step in. The day went pretty well. It definitely helped that I have been working in the classroom since the end of September and I know the routines and kids well. The kiddos were pretty hyped up about the snow, so it was a busy and challenging day at times. But, it was fun to be the teacher again and have a chance to show my principal that I am capable of handling things on my own.
I had kind of another hard night with my family tonight. Nothing to the extent of Thanksgiving, but enough to make me feel kind of down. At dinner, my sister was talking about how her boyfriend only likes his fish beer battered or fried (we were eating fish for dinner). It's been a running joke that her boyfriend and I are basically the same person...we have many things in common. Well, I also happen to only like my fish fried, so I mentioned that that was another thing he and I have in common. My stepdad responded with "Wow, it's scary to think there's more than one of you running around." Normally, I'd just laugh and let it roll. But it bothered me. Why am I so bothered by this kind of thing now? Sometimes, I get to the point where I just feel like crying. I feel like my family either is making fun of me or annoyed with me. I have friends here (who I'm very grateful for), but the friends who know me best live out of town and talking to them online every now and then just doesn't replace being with them. I think things just seem harder around the holidays. It's hard enough to be single, let alone feel hurt by my family and feel so far away from my closest friends. I usually characterize myself as an extrovert, but more and more lately I've been finding myself just wanting to be alone. If you know me at all, you know that isn't like me. I feel selfish for feeling this way, especially after my experience volunteering at Jeremy House. Overall, I have a great life. I have so many things going for me and my problems really aren't that big. So I think I just need to push aside my measly complaints and try to focus on putting other people's needs ahead of mine. We'll see how that goes.
On Tuesday, I went with a small group of people from my Bible study to volunteer at a halfway house called Jeremy House. It's a temporary home for people with mental illnesses. We cooked them dinner and just hung out with a few residents for about an hour and a half. The whole thing was totally out of my comfort zone. To start, I'm not a good cook. And I'm not great at making conversation with people I don't know...let alone people with mental illnesses. But it turned out to be kind of nice. There was one resident named Sue there that was interesting to talk to. She is a recovering alcoholic and told us about how her 27 year old daughter stopped talking to her because of her addiction. She got teary-eyed when she told us that her only Christmas wish was to talk to her daughter again. It was sad to hear Sue's story. But she was very grateful for the meal and the company. I'm glad we were able to be a dim light in a lot of darkness in her life right now.
On Wednesday, when just about everyone else in the area had a snow day, I ended up having to sub for one of the kindergarten teachers I work with. Because of the weather, the district ran out of subs, so I had to step in. The day went pretty well. It definitely helped that I have been working in the classroom since the end of September and I know the routines and kids well. The kiddos were pretty hyped up about the snow, so it was a busy and challenging day at times. But, it was fun to be the teacher again and have a chance to show my principal that I am capable of handling things on my own.
I had kind of another hard night with my family tonight. Nothing to the extent of Thanksgiving, but enough to make me feel kind of down. At dinner, my sister was talking about how her boyfriend only likes his fish beer battered or fried (we were eating fish for dinner). It's been a running joke that her boyfriend and I are basically the same person...we have many things in common. Well, I also happen to only like my fish fried, so I mentioned that that was another thing he and I have in common. My stepdad responded with "Wow, it's scary to think there's more than one of you running around." Normally, I'd just laugh and let it roll. But it bothered me. Why am I so bothered by this kind of thing now? Sometimes, I get to the point where I just feel like crying. I feel like my family either is making fun of me or annoyed with me. I have friends here (who I'm very grateful for), but the friends who know me best live out of town and talking to them online every now and then just doesn't replace being with them. I think things just seem harder around the holidays. It's hard enough to be single, let alone feel hurt by my family and feel so far away from my closest friends. I usually characterize myself as an extrovert, but more and more lately I've been finding myself just wanting to be alone. If you know me at all, you know that isn't like me. I feel selfish for feeling this way, especially after my experience volunteering at Jeremy House. Overall, I have a great life. I have so many things going for me and my problems really aren't that big. So I think I just need to push aside my measly complaints and try to focus on putting other people's needs ahead of mine. We'll see how that goes.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Kindergartenism #24:
Josie: "These used to be new shoes. (shows me her shoes that are starting to break) They're old now. They're 16 years old!"
Kindergartenism #25:
Nathan and Cameron talking while waiting in line for the bubbler.
Cameron: "We'd have to go to the money store." (I didn't catch what they were talking about prior to this)
Nathan: "You don't go to the money store! You go to a bank to get money!"
Josie: "These used to be new shoes. (shows me her shoes that are starting to break) They're old now. They're 16 years old!"
Kindergartenism #25:
Nathan and Cameron talking while waiting in line for the bubbler.
Cameron: "We'd have to go to the money store." (I didn't catch what they were talking about prior to this)
Nathan: "You don't go to the money store! You go to a bank to get money!"
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Kindergartenism #21:
During a reading group reading a book about a pig taking a trip to see her family...
Me: "What is the title of this book?"
All the kids: "Pig's Trip"
Me: "What do you think this book will be about?"
Andy: "A pig falling down."
Me: "Haha, you're right, trip can mean to fall down. But I think this book is about a different kind of trip."
Kindergartenism #22:
Multiple kids: "IT'S SNOWING!!!!"
Ashton (a kiddo who barely knows his alphabet): "It's Christmas outside!! It's a winter wonderland!"
Kindergartenism #23:
Raziel: "Look, it's snowing outside! That means it's Christmas!"
Me: "No, Raziel. Snow means it's winter. Christmas is still coming."
Raziel: "No! Snow means it's Christmas!"
Me: "Are we opening presents today? It's not Christmas today."
Raziel: "No! It is Christmas outside!"
During a reading group reading a book about a pig taking a trip to see her family...
Me: "What is the title of this book?"
All the kids: "Pig's Trip"
Me: "What do you think this book will be about?"
Andy: "A pig falling down."
Me: "Haha, you're right, trip can mean to fall down. But I think this book is about a different kind of trip."
Kindergartenism #22:
Multiple kids: "IT'S SNOWING!!!!"
Ashton (a kiddo who barely knows his alphabet): "It's Christmas outside!! It's a winter wonderland!"
Kindergartenism #23:
Raziel: "Look, it's snowing outside! That means it's Christmas!"
Me: "No, Raziel. Snow means it's winter. Christmas is still coming."
Raziel: "No! Snow means it's Christmas!"
Me: "Are we opening presents today? It's not Christmas today."
Raziel: "No! It is Christmas outside!"
Saturday, November 28, 2009
in a funk...
I spent Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. Every year, we switch off celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at my grandparent's house in Rochester, Minnesota. This year, we had fun as always, but had a few minor glitches. My cousin Patrick got the stomach flu on Thanksgiving Day, so we had to deal with a puking 6-year old all day. Poor kid. This year, we tried cooking the turkey in a roaster instead of the oven. My mom ended up putting the turkey in the roaster upside-down, so it didn't look too pretty when it was finished. The meat was juicy though!
My family also decided to attempt to brave Black Friday this year for the first time. We all got up around 4 am and fought the crowds at Toys R Us and Target. I'm not sure if it was worth it yet. It was kind of fun to get up early and go shopping, but we got a little crabby with each other and I was just exhausted all day.
I enjoyed seeing my family this week. It's always fun to see my little cousins and my aunts and uncles. But for some reason, I was super crabby. Especially yesterday...getting up at 4 am didn't help that. I felt like I was the butt of many jokes this week. I can handle being joked about every now and then. I'm usually pretty laid back about that and feel like I can let it roll off my back and laugh along. But for some reason, it kept getting to me this week. I'm sure most of them were said all in fun, but they started to accumulate and pile up on me. It felt like I was being joked about by some people more than just being talked to. Granted, many of the jokes came from my brother and sister - whose job it is to give me a hard time - but they didn't harass each other in return...it was all directed at me. According to my sister, it's just so easy to make fun of me. I'm glad I give my family so many things to joke about and entertain themselves with.
Maybe I'm just feeling more sensitive lately. Or maybe I'm PMSing early. Whatever it was, I just couldn't shake it. Comments like "I know what Mom wants the most for Christmas this year...you to move out!" just make me feel hurt and unloved. My brother lived at home for almost a year when he failed out of his program in college and my sister lives at home now. Yet, I'm the one who's being told my mom can't wait until I leave. Ouch.
So, in response to all this, I became super cranky. I was very short with my family and stayed pretty quiet the rest of the day. If they talked to me, I was quick to bite off their heads. Not the best way to handle it, I know. Looking back, I feel bad for reacting that way. But I was hurt (and very tired).
I feel like I'm in a weird funk. Usually this time of year gets me super excited and I go all out. I start listening to Christmas music the minute we're done with Thanksgiving and pull out all my Christmas movies. I'm not at all excited right now. Instead, all I feel like doing is laying around and doing nothing productive. Now I'm finding myself feeling extra sensitive or cranky about things. I know I need to spend time with the Lord and just lay everything at His feet...but I have no motivation or desire. I told a couple people in my bible study last week that I've been learning a lot of great things at church and in bible study, but I haven't applied any of it. I've been filling my head but my heart is stagnant.
I hate feeling this way, but I need to be proactive about getting out my funk instead of letting it get the best of me. Not always easy, but I need to trust that God will help me through.
My family also decided to attempt to brave Black Friday this year for the first time. We all got up around 4 am and fought the crowds at Toys R Us and Target. I'm not sure if it was worth it yet. It was kind of fun to get up early and go shopping, but we got a little crabby with each other and I was just exhausted all day.
I enjoyed seeing my family this week. It's always fun to see my little cousins and my aunts and uncles. But for some reason, I was super crabby. Especially yesterday...getting up at 4 am didn't help that. I felt like I was the butt of many jokes this week. I can handle being joked about every now and then. I'm usually pretty laid back about that and feel like I can let it roll off my back and laugh along. But for some reason, it kept getting to me this week. I'm sure most of them were said all in fun, but they started to accumulate and pile up on me. It felt like I was being joked about by some people more than just being talked to. Granted, many of the jokes came from my brother and sister - whose job it is to give me a hard time - but they didn't harass each other in return...it was all directed at me. According to my sister, it's just so easy to make fun of me. I'm glad I give my family so many things to joke about and entertain themselves with.
Maybe I'm just feeling more sensitive lately. Or maybe I'm PMSing early. Whatever it was, I just couldn't shake it. Comments like "I know what Mom wants the most for Christmas this year...you to move out!" just make me feel hurt and unloved. My brother lived at home for almost a year when he failed out of his program in college and my sister lives at home now. Yet, I'm the one who's being told my mom can't wait until I leave. Ouch.
So, in response to all this, I became super cranky. I was very short with my family and stayed pretty quiet the rest of the day. If they talked to me, I was quick to bite off their heads. Not the best way to handle it, I know. Looking back, I feel bad for reacting that way. But I was hurt (and very tired).
I feel like I'm in a weird funk. Usually this time of year gets me super excited and I go all out. I start listening to Christmas music the minute we're done with Thanksgiving and pull out all my Christmas movies. I'm not at all excited right now. Instead, all I feel like doing is laying around and doing nothing productive. Now I'm finding myself feeling extra sensitive or cranky about things. I know I need to spend time with the Lord and just lay everything at His feet...but I have no motivation or desire. I told a couple people in my bible study last week that I've been learning a lot of great things at church and in bible study, but I haven't applied any of it. I've been filling my head but my heart is stagnant.
I hate feeling this way, but I need to be proactive about getting out my funk instead of letting it get the best of me. Not always easy, but I need to trust that God will help me through.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Kindergartenism #19:
Logan: "I have a volcano at home. It's a pretend one."
Me: "Wow. Does it shoot out lava?"
Logan: "Yeah! It has real lava!"
Kindergartenism #20:
(While reading a book that mentions a boy and his grandpa entering to win $10 million)
Me: "Can you imagine winning that much money? There are a lot of things you could do with that!"
Mason: "I could buy 14 new lego sets!!"
Logan: "I have a volcano at home. It's a pretend one."
Me: "Wow. Does it shoot out lava?"
Logan: "Yeah! It has real lava!"
Kindergartenism #20:
(While reading a book that mentions a boy and his grandpa entering to win $10 million)
Me: "Can you imagine winning that much money? There are a lot of things you could do with that!"
Mason: "I could buy 14 new lego sets!!"
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Kindergartenism #18:
During a reading group on a book about a train trip...
Me: "Have any of you ever ridden on a train?"
Josh: "I have!"
Me: "Where did you go?"
Josh: "I rode on the Polar Express."
(The kids start laughing)
Me: "Let's let Josh finish his story. What else do you want to tell us about it, Josh?"
Josh: "Well...you know...there's not much else to tell."
Not much has been new lately. I recently joined a gym with Jenny and Lindsey, which has been fun. I prefer running indoors on a treadmill than outside. I know, I'm probably crazy for thinking that. But it's easier for me. I'd rather be able to distract myself with a TV screen and music on my iPod.
As I continue to get involved with Impact (the 20's group at my church), it's been easier for me to get distracted by guys. By this, I mean that I find myself scoping them out and thinking about which ones I think are cute or whatever. Usually, I am okay with being single and it's not something that distracts me too much. Granted, I don't enjoy being single, but I've been trying to focus on building relationships with the women in my life rather than worry about finding a boy. But, as I meet more people, it's hard to keep that focus sometimes. It's so frustrating...I meet a guy that I think is cool or attractive and BAM...he's married or has a girlfriend. Many times, I find that most of the guys that are single are the socially awkward ones. And, of course, they're also the ones that aren't afraid to talk to you or even try to ask you out. When I do happen to meet a guy that is single and not awkward, I immediately feel like I'm invisible. I start thinking that I don't have enough to offer, or so-and-so is prettier, or that I'm not exciting enough. I don't want church or Impact to be focused around boys, and I don't want to think these thoughts of myself because I know they're not true (although they feel true sometimes), but that's not always the case. I've been lucky enough to find some good friends at church that are also single, so that helps. I know things will happen according to the Lord's plan for me...and that plan is so much better than I can make it. I just need to remind myself of that...daily.
During a reading group on a book about a train trip...
Me: "Have any of you ever ridden on a train?"
Josh: "I have!"
Me: "Where did you go?"
Josh: "I rode on the Polar Express."
(The kids start laughing)
Me: "Let's let Josh finish his story. What else do you want to tell us about it, Josh?"
Josh: "Well...you know...there's not much else to tell."
Not much has been new lately. I recently joined a gym with Jenny and Lindsey, which has been fun. I prefer running indoors on a treadmill than outside. I know, I'm probably crazy for thinking that. But it's easier for me. I'd rather be able to distract myself with a TV screen and music on my iPod.
As I continue to get involved with Impact (the 20's group at my church), it's been easier for me to get distracted by guys. By this, I mean that I find myself scoping them out and thinking about which ones I think are cute or whatever. Usually, I am okay with being single and it's not something that distracts me too much. Granted, I don't enjoy being single, but I've been trying to focus on building relationships with the women in my life rather than worry about finding a boy. But, as I meet more people, it's hard to keep that focus sometimes. It's so frustrating...I meet a guy that I think is cool or attractive and BAM...he's married or has a girlfriend. Many times, I find that most of the guys that are single are the socially awkward ones. And, of course, they're also the ones that aren't afraid to talk to you or even try to ask you out. When I do happen to meet a guy that is single and not awkward, I immediately feel like I'm invisible. I start thinking that I don't have enough to offer, or so-and-so is prettier, or that I'm not exciting enough. I don't want church or Impact to be focused around boys, and I don't want to think these thoughts of myself because I know they're not true (although they feel true sometimes), but that's not always the case. I've been lucky enough to find some good friends at church that are also single, so that helps. I know things will happen according to the Lord's plan for me...and that plan is so much better than I can make it. I just need to remind myself of that...daily.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Kindergartenism #17:
Nathan: "My grandma lives 100 million billion miles away!"
Me: "Wow that's far! Where does she live?"
Nathan: "Georgia."
So recently, I've become addicted to the game Word Twist on Facebook. It's exactly like Text Twist, if you've ever heard of/played it online. I've been mostly facing against Holly, who is crazy good at it. Partially why I'm so addicted because I am determined to beat her. But out of hundreds of games (okay, so maybe not quite hundreds), I've only won once. My day will come again.
My friend Lindsey and I have been looking at apartments lately. On Sunday, we drove around for a couple hours and called a bunch of places. We saw a place last night and we're looking at another one tomorrow night. Although I'm enjoying not paying rent right now, I'm excited to have my own place again.
Nathan: "My grandma lives 100 million billion miles away!"
Me: "Wow that's far! Where does she live?"
Nathan: "Georgia."
So recently, I've become addicted to the game Word Twist on Facebook. It's exactly like Text Twist, if you've ever heard of/played it online. I've been mostly facing against Holly, who is crazy good at it. Partially why I'm so addicted because I am determined to beat her. But out of hundreds of games (okay, so maybe not quite hundreds), I've only won once. My day will come again.
My friend Lindsey and I have been looking at apartments lately. On Sunday, we drove around for a couple hours and called a bunch of places. We saw a place last night and we're looking at another one tomorrow night. Although I'm enjoying not paying rent right now, I'm excited to have my own place again.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Kindergartenism #15:
Me (while sitting with the kids in the house area): "Raziel, are you a soccer player?"
Raziel: "Yes. I'm a teenager."
Ashton (dressed up in a man's dress coat): "I'm the dad." (calls to the other kids in the house area) "Who wants to date me?"
Kindergartenism #16:
Jack: " I have a girlfriend."
Me: "You have a girlfriend?? Aren't you a little young to have a girlfriend?"
Jack: "No. She's older than me."
I went to Madison this past weekend for a Halloween party. Oh yeah, and to see my rockstar friends. :) It's so ironic that I spent Halloween in Madison. When I was a college student, I came home just about every Halloween weekend to escape the madness. I HATED Halloween when I was in college. But, this weekend I wasn't staying anywhere near campus and the party was hosted by someone from church, so I figured it would be a safe bet.
I had so much fun. I drove up Friday afternoon and picked Holly up from work. We went to the grocery store and then she made an AMAZING dinner for us. Spinach lasagna, Caesar salad, vanilla muffins, and a strawberry angel food cake dessert. So good. We played a little Settlers and watched Harry Potter 5 (woohoo!). On Saturday, Jennifer and I went and saw "Where the Wild Things Are"...fun movie! On Saturday night, I totally convinced (maybe guilt tripped is a better phrase) Holly to come with us to the party. She hates parties and didn't want to go, but was already feeling bored by the time we started to get ready. We had just watched Step Up 2, so using some inspiration from the movie, she put together a thug costume (or K. Fed as some people liked to call her). She really got into her costume and danced the whole night. We enjoyed looking ridiculous and convincing other people to look ridiculous with us. :P
Aside from the terrible Packer game, it was a great weekend. :)
Me (while sitting with the kids in the house area): "Raziel, are you a soccer player?"
Raziel: "Yes. I'm a teenager."
Ashton (dressed up in a man's dress coat): "I'm the dad." (calls to the other kids in the house area) "Who wants to date me?"
Kindergartenism #16:
Jack: " I have a girlfriend."
Me: "You have a girlfriend?? Aren't you a little young to have a girlfriend?"
Jack: "No. She's older than me."
I went to Madison this past weekend for a Halloween party. Oh yeah, and to see my rockstar friends. :) It's so ironic that I spent Halloween in Madison. When I was a college student, I came home just about every Halloween weekend to escape the madness. I HATED Halloween when I was in college. But, this weekend I wasn't staying anywhere near campus and the party was hosted by someone from church, so I figured it would be a safe bet.
I had so much fun. I drove up Friday afternoon and picked Holly up from work. We went to the grocery store and then she made an AMAZING dinner for us. Spinach lasagna, Caesar salad, vanilla muffins, and a strawberry angel food cake dessert. So good. We played a little Settlers and watched Harry Potter 5 (woohoo!). On Saturday, Jennifer and I went and saw "Where the Wild Things Are"...fun movie! On Saturday night, I totally convinced (maybe guilt tripped is a better phrase) Holly to come with us to the party. She hates parties and didn't want to go, but was already feeling bored by the time we started to get ready. We had just watched Step Up 2, so using some inspiration from the movie, she put together a thug costume (or K. Fed as some people liked to call her). She really got into her costume and danced the whole night. We enjoyed looking ridiculous and convincing other people to look ridiculous with us. :P
Aside from the terrible Packer game, it was a great weekend. :)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I went to visit Heritage today. It was so great to see my old coworkers. Most of them I've seen recently...some of the them I see regularly. Either way, it was still great to say hi to everyone.
Then I saw my old kiddos. Well, those that are still at the school. They are such fun kids. They drove me crazy last year...but they're fun. They were super excited to see me and were all curious about what I'm doing now. One girl even asked if I was going to come back and teach there again. I couldn't believe how big they'd all grown! Some of them are close to my height...crazy.
One of my little gems of course had such funny things to say while I was there:
"Miss Hansen, you will always be part of the HCS heart."
"Do you still have my mom's email address? You should email her and we should go to the mall some weekend."
They will hold a special place in my heart. But I am very happy in the place I'm at now. :)
Then I saw my old kiddos. Well, those that are still at the school. They are such fun kids. They drove me crazy last year...but they're fun. They were super excited to see me and were all curious about what I'm doing now. One girl even asked if I was going to come back and teach there again. I couldn't believe how big they'd all grown! Some of them are close to my height...crazy.
One of my little gems of course had such funny things to say while I was there:
"Miss Hansen, you will always be part of the HCS heart."
"Do you still have my mom's email address? You should email her and we should go to the mall some weekend."
They will hold a special place in my heart. But I am very happy in the place I'm at now. :)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Kindergartenism #14:
Carson: "What is glue made out of?" (referring to a gluestick)
Me: "That's a great question. I have no idea."
Carson: "I think it's made out of marshmallow."
Me: "Marshmallow?? Then we'd be able to eat it!"
Grant: "Maybe we should Google it. Google knows everything, you know." (Google was pronounced "googowe" because he can't say his L's.)
Me: "Yeah, that would be a good idea."
Kelsey: "Yeah, Google knows everything! One time my dad Googled the mysteries of macaroni and cheese!"
Tomorrow is our Halloween (technically "fall") costume party. I'm dressing up as a cowgirl. It will be chaotic and fun all at the same time. :)
Tonight I had bible study. We're studying 1 John. Tonight we (the girls...we split up into separate groups) talked about love. God's love for us. Our love for other people. How we receive (or maybe don't) love from others. Basically, we realized together that we ALL want to feel and be loved by others. By God. By friends. By family. And of course...by guys. It was one of the best bible studies because we all connected on a heart level. We're all going through (or have been through) the same feelings and have the same wants and needs. And we talked about how we can be there for each other in the ways that we all need. I decided to be vulnerable and share how I get anxious that I will lose people's love or feel like I don't deserve to be loved by others. And I found out...I'm not alone. Almost everyone said they've been there or are there. I'm not just some weirdo with crazy issues. It's something a lot of women struggle with and it was reassuring to realize that. I'm excited to see the ways God is going to work through this group, particularly the women. I'm really enjoying getting to know them better and feeling like I am gaining a solid group of people to connect with and lean on.
God is so good and faithful. :)
Carson: "What is glue made out of?" (referring to a gluestick)
Me: "That's a great question. I have no idea."
Carson: "I think it's made out of marshmallow."
Me: "Marshmallow?? Then we'd be able to eat it!"
Grant: "Maybe we should Google it. Google knows everything, you know." (Google was pronounced "googowe" because he can't say his L's.)
Me: "Yeah, that would be a good idea."
Kelsey: "Yeah, Google knows everything! One time my dad Googled the mysteries of macaroni and cheese!"
Tomorrow is our Halloween (technically "fall") costume party. I'm dressing up as a cowgirl. It will be chaotic and fun all at the same time. :)
Tonight I had bible study. We're studying 1 John. Tonight we (the girls...we split up into separate groups) talked about love. God's love for us. Our love for other people. How we receive (or maybe don't) love from others. Basically, we realized together that we ALL want to feel and be loved by others. By God. By friends. By family. And of course...by guys. It was one of the best bible studies because we all connected on a heart level. We're all going through (or have been through) the same feelings and have the same wants and needs. And we talked about how we can be there for each other in the ways that we all need. I decided to be vulnerable and share how I get anxious that I will lose people's love or feel like I don't deserve to be loved by others. And I found out...I'm not alone. Almost everyone said they've been there or are there. I'm not just some weirdo with crazy issues. It's something a lot of women struggle with and it was reassuring to realize that. I'm excited to see the ways God is going to work through this group, particularly the women. I'm really enjoying getting to know them better and feeling like I am gaining a solid group of people to connect with and lean on.
God is so good and faithful. :)
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Kindergartenism #13:
I was pulling small groups of kids into the hall to read with me.
"Oh Miss Hansen, I thought you were Mrs. Mabie" (our other kindergarten assistant)
"Nope, it's just me."
"You look a lot like her. Except she has a lot more wrinkles on her face."
So, I did it. Today I did my first 5k. I was so nervous leading up to it. I trained pretty hard for it this summer but once I started my new job, my training tapered off to about once a week. So I didn't end up running quite as much as I would've liked (or probably could've about a month ago), but I still ran about half of it while walking every few minutes. Someone decided to put a hill at the end of the race, so when I got to it, I knew the end was just around the corner and I sprinted up the hill. Bad idea. Once I got to the top of the hill and turned the corner, I lost all of my energy. I wanted to sprint across the finish line, but I literally felt like I had used every ounce of energy left in my body and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. But I couldn't stop...there was no way I was going to walk across the finish line. I jogged across the finish line at about 36 minutes and 30 seconds. They didn't display the time with seconds and I forgot to stop my watch at the end, so my time is approximate until they post the times online. But I did it. I'm pretty happy with my time. I can't believe I did something like this in the first place, so I'm not going to complain! I did the 5k with Jenny and Lindsey (friends from Heritage), which was great. It was so nice to have friends to encourage and celebrate with. We all want to join a gym together to keep up with our running and then do another 5k in April. Crazy!
I finally feel like I have a life here. My weeks are filled with bible study and Impact (my church's 20s-30s group) and other events that go with that. I also hang out with Jenny and/or Lindsey almost every week. It's great to have people to connect with here. People I can get to know and hang out with at church. People I can just call up and hang out with. And I'm finding that most of the people I've met here are in the same stage of life as me...out of college, single, and just looking for people to connect with. It's nice to not feel alone here anymore. :)
I was pulling small groups of kids into the hall to read with me.
"Oh Miss Hansen, I thought you were Mrs. Mabie" (our other kindergarten assistant)
"Nope, it's just me."
"You look a lot like her. Except she has a lot more wrinkles on her face."
So, I did it. Today I did my first 5k. I was so nervous leading up to it. I trained pretty hard for it this summer but once I started my new job, my training tapered off to about once a week. So I didn't end up running quite as much as I would've liked (or probably could've about a month ago), but I still ran about half of it while walking every few minutes. Someone decided to put a hill at the end of the race, so when I got to it, I knew the end was just around the corner and I sprinted up the hill. Bad idea. Once I got to the top of the hill and turned the corner, I lost all of my energy. I wanted to sprint across the finish line, but I literally felt like I had used every ounce of energy left in my body and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. But I couldn't stop...there was no way I was going to walk across the finish line. I jogged across the finish line at about 36 minutes and 30 seconds. They didn't display the time with seconds and I forgot to stop my watch at the end, so my time is approximate until they post the times online. But I did it. I'm pretty happy with my time. I can't believe I did something like this in the first place, so I'm not going to complain! I did the 5k with Jenny and Lindsey (friends from Heritage), which was great. It was so nice to have friends to encourage and celebrate with. We all want to join a gym together to keep up with our running and then do another 5k in April. Crazy!
I finally feel like I have a life here. My weeks are filled with bible study and Impact (my church's 20s-30s group) and other events that go with that. I also hang out with Jenny and/or Lindsey almost every week. It's great to have people to connect with here. People I can get to know and hang out with at church. People I can just call up and hang out with. And I'm finding that most of the people I've met here are in the same stage of life as me...out of college, single, and just looking for people to connect with. It's nice to not feel alone here anymore. :)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Kindergartenism #7:
Me: "Hi Josie! How was your weekend? What did you do?"
Josie: "We went to Mexico."
Me: "Mexico? The country? Did you drive?"
Josie: "Yes, we drove."
Me: "How long did it take you?"
Josie: "200."
Me: "200 minutes? 200 hours? 200 days?"
Josie: "200 hours."
Me: "Wow, that's a long trip!"
Kindergartenism #8:
Raziel (while looking at a book of Goldilocks and the Three Bears): "I know why they call her Goldilocks."
Me: "Why?"
Raziel: "Because she keeps unlocking houses and going in them!"
So I found out today that one of our new little kiddos' moms was on the news yesterday because of child neglect. We had been informed that her mom was not allowed to pick her up from school, but we didn't really know the whole story. Now we do. It's really sad. Here's the story: http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/64160417.html
Last weekend I went to Miranda's grandma's farm about an hour west of Madison. We went because Holly's sister Heather was in town from Indy, so we thought it would be a fun thing to do since she's been to Madison a couple of times before. It was a great fall weekend. We took walks with all the dogs through the cornfields, went to the apple orchard and bought apples, visited Miranda's aunt and uncle's house and played with all her cousins' kids, saw cows (Heather let the calves suck her fingers! I wasn't so into that...), went to church with the family, and ate LOTS of good homecooked meals! It was a great time. I love those girls so much. :)
On Monday, I had coffee with Annie and then went to my new Bible study. My coffee date was so good. It was great to catch up with her. Annie was one of my former 3rd grade co-workers at Heritage, so we often went to each other to vent and we became pretty good friends. She told me a little about what the school is going through and her struggles this year. I'm sad to hear the school is still having a hard time, but I'm thankful that God had another plan for me. I've realized that my year there was meant for me to build relationships. Yes, it gave me experience which helps too, but when looking back, I've realized that the friendships I made there are the biggest things I took away from it. Now, I have a great job that I love and I have time to invest in the friendships I made at Heritage.
I've really enjoyed the new Bible study I started going to. It's much bigger, but I feel like the people there are a better fit for me. There are a ton of women that are really involved and that I connect with. I counted last Monday and found out there are now 9 teachers in my Bible study of 20-25! That alone is a great connecting point for me. So, it's been fun getting to know some of them. Tonight, I'm going to Impact, my church's 20's group meeting (same as Access for those of you in Madison). I didn't go regularly last year because I didn't have time at night to do anything other than schoolwork. Now that I have time at night and have met some Impact people through my Bible study, I thought I'd give it a try tonight and see how it goes!
Me: "Hi Josie! How was your weekend? What did you do?"
Josie: "We went to Mexico."
Me: "Mexico? The country? Did you drive?"
Josie: "Yes, we drove."
Me: "How long did it take you?"
Josie: "200."
Me: "200 minutes? 200 hours? 200 days?"
Josie: "200 hours."
Me: "Wow, that's a long trip!"
Kindergartenism #8:
Raziel (while looking at a book of Goldilocks and the Three Bears): "I know why they call her Goldilocks."
Me: "Why?"
Raziel: "Because she keeps unlocking houses and going in them!"
So I found out today that one of our new little kiddos' moms was on the news yesterday because of child neglect. We had been informed that her mom was not allowed to pick her up from school, but we didn't really know the whole story. Now we do. It's really sad. Here's the story: http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/64160417.html
Last weekend I went to Miranda's grandma's farm about an hour west of Madison. We went because Holly's sister Heather was in town from Indy, so we thought it would be a fun thing to do since she's been to Madison a couple of times before. It was a great fall weekend. We took walks with all the dogs through the cornfields, went to the apple orchard and bought apples, visited Miranda's aunt and uncle's house and played with all her cousins' kids, saw cows (Heather let the calves suck her fingers! I wasn't so into that...), went to church with the family, and ate LOTS of good homecooked meals! It was a great time. I love those girls so much. :)
On Monday, I had coffee with Annie and then went to my new Bible study. My coffee date was so good. It was great to catch up with her. Annie was one of my former 3rd grade co-workers at Heritage, so we often went to each other to vent and we became pretty good friends. She told me a little about what the school is going through and her struggles this year. I'm sad to hear the school is still having a hard time, but I'm thankful that God had another plan for me. I've realized that my year there was meant for me to build relationships. Yes, it gave me experience which helps too, but when looking back, I've realized that the friendships I made there are the biggest things I took away from it. Now, I have a great job that I love and I have time to invest in the friendships I made at Heritage.
I've really enjoyed the new Bible study I started going to. It's much bigger, but I feel like the people there are a better fit for me. There are a ton of women that are really involved and that I connect with. I counted last Monday and found out there are now 9 teachers in my Bible study of 20-25! That alone is a great connecting point for me. So, it's been fun getting to know some of them. Tonight, I'm going to Impact, my church's 20's group meeting (same as Access for those of you in Madison). I didn't go regularly last year because I didn't have time at night to do anything other than schoolwork. Now that I have time at night and have met some Impact people through my Bible study, I thought I'd give it a try tonight and see how it goes!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Kindergartenism #5:
"If you see a house with a pumpkin outside, it's mine."
Kindergartenism #6:
Logan (while walking through the woods on our field trip): "I want to leave. I'm scared. Are there any gorillas?"
Me: "No Logan, gorillas don't live in Wisconsin."
Logan: "Are there lions and tigers?"
Me: "No."
Logan: "Are there monkeys?"
Me: "No Logan."
Logan: "Is there quicksand?"
Me: "No Logan, you don't need to be scared. If we see an animal, I will protect you."
Kindergarten is going really well. I love working with these kids. They are so precious. I love teaching many grade levels, but there's something about kindergarten that is so fun and exciting.
We have a couple of kiddos that have pretty tough home lives. One of the teachers had to contact social services because a student showed up to school with a burn mark apparently from his brother holding his finger to a lighter while the mom slept through everything. One of our new kids was absent from school for 2 days because her mom apparently ran off with her. I can't believe some kids live like this. We wonder why kids these days have so many problems. It makes me happy that there are good schools for kids to go to and feel safe and loved in. The student that we called social services about hugged me today and told me he loved me (he is a very angry child, so that's a pretty rare moment). I wonder how many times he's heard that at home. After meeting his mom today, I can't imagine many. I just can't imagine having a child and not raising him/her in the best possible environment.
"If you see a house with a pumpkin outside, it's mine."
Kindergartenism #6:
Logan (while walking through the woods on our field trip): "I want to leave. I'm scared. Are there any gorillas?"
Me: "No Logan, gorillas don't live in Wisconsin."
Logan: "Are there lions and tigers?"
Me: "No."
Logan: "Are there monkeys?"
Me: "No Logan."
Logan: "Is there quicksand?"
Me: "No Logan, you don't need to be scared. If we see an animal, I will protect you."
Kindergarten is going really well. I love working with these kids. They are so precious. I love teaching many grade levels, but there's something about kindergarten that is so fun and exciting.
We have a couple of kiddos that have pretty tough home lives. One of the teachers had to contact social services because a student showed up to school with a burn mark apparently from his brother holding his finger to a lighter while the mom slept through everything. One of our new kids was absent from school for 2 days because her mom apparently ran off with her. I can't believe some kids live like this. We wonder why kids these days have so many problems. It makes me happy that there are good schools for kids to go to and feel safe and loved in. The student that we called social services about hugged me today and told me he loved me (he is a very angry child, so that's a pretty rare moment). I wonder how many times he's heard that at home. After meeting his mom today, I can't imagine many. I just can't imagine having a child and not raising him/her in the best possible environment.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Last weekend, I went to Appleton to visit Miranda and see Holly. It was really fun. We spent the day on Saturday in Door County going to a few different state parks, doing some wine tasting, checking out some shops and markets, and lastly going to a fish boil (Yes, I ate fish that wasn't fried!). It was the first time I'd seen both of them since coming back to Milwaukee...which had only been 2 weeks, but it felt much longer. :)
Although the weekend was really fun, I left with a fear that I've felt in the past after moving...
"out of sight, out of mind"
I know in my head that's not true with my friends, but sometimes I feel like it. I feel like (or should I say I fear?) if I don't make an initiative with people, I won't hear from anyone. Or, I feel just plain out of the loop. I hate feeling left out. I know that's a natural part of living in another place, but I feel like I'm the only one left out of the loop sometimes. There were many times this weekend where I had no clue about something happening in someone's life.
I have a deep need to feel loved and sometimes it just manifests itself in anxiety or fear. Fearing that people might stop loving me or that people will/do see something in me that they don't like. I hate it. I hate feeling like I have problems and can't just enjoy what I have with my friends. I really am blessed with amazing friends, and yet I still dwell on these fears at times rather than feeling thankful for what (and who) I do have.
So, now I question why I feel this way. Do I need to initiate more with people? I feel like I do a good job of calling or communicating with friends that live out-of-town. But if I'm feeling like this, is it my fault? Am I selfish and just expecting others to communicate with me? How much of this is fear and anxiety, and how much of this might be truth? I have no idea how to answer those questions.
If you feel like you can offer any insight from the perspective of one of my friends, please don't hesitate to share. :)
Although the weekend was really fun, I left with a fear that I've felt in the past after moving...
"out of sight, out of mind"
I know in my head that's not true with my friends, but sometimes I feel like it. I feel like (or should I say I fear?) if I don't make an initiative with people, I won't hear from anyone. Or, I feel just plain out of the loop. I hate feeling left out. I know that's a natural part of living in another place, but I feel like I'm the only one left out of the loop sometimes. There were many times this weekend where I had no clue about something happening in someone's life.
I have a deep need to feel loved and sometimes it just manifests itself in anxiety or fear. Fearing that people might stop loving me or that people will/do see something in me that they don't like. I hate it. I hate feeling like I have problems and can't just enjoy what I have with my friends. I really am blessed with amazing friends, and yet I still dwell on these fears at times rather than feeling thankful for what (and who) I do have.
So, now I question why I feel this way. Do I need to initiate more with people? I feel like I do a good job of calling or communicating with friends that live out-of-town. But if I'm feeling like this, is it my fault? Am I selfish and just expecting others to communicate with me? How much of this is fear and anxiety, and how much of this might be truth? I have no idea how to answer those questions.
If you feel like you can offer any insight from the perspective of one of my friends, please don't hesitate to share. :)
Friday, October 2, 2009
As Carson is playing with magnetic words at playtime:
Carson: "Where is an 's'?"
Me: "What sentence did you make?"
Carson: "I want hot girl"
On Monday, we have 2 new kinders starting at our school. That brings each class to a whopping 26 students!! Insane. Due to such large classes and the amount of new assessments this year (over 5 per student 3 times a year!), the school is trying to decide if they should hire another full-time assistant or make me a third full-time kindergarten teacher. Yikes! It would be kind of hard on the kiddos who have to switch and some parents would be in an uproar if they make a third class. However, it would bring each class down to 17 or 18...a NORMAL kindergarten class size. My life could dramatically change very soon...
I'm off to Appleton to hang with Miranda and Holly! I'm SO excited. It's only been a couple of weeks since I've seen them, but I haven't talked to them much and I just miss them terribly. We were supposed to run in a 5K tomorrow morning, but it was cancelled due to a low number of participants. So, I think all we have planned is going to Door County tomorrow. :) Should be fun!
Carson: "Where is an 's'?"
Me: "What sentence did you make?"
Carson: "I want hot girl"
On Monday, we have 2 new kinders starting at our school. That brings each class to a whopping 26 students!! Insane. Due to such large classes and the amount of new assessments this year (over 5 per student 3 times a year!), the school is trying to decide if they should hire another full-time assistant or make me a third full-time kindergarten teacher. Yikes! It would be kind of hard on the kiddos who have to switch and some parents would be in an uproar if they make a third class. However, it would bring each class down to 17 or 18...a NORMAL kindergarten class size. My life could dramatically change very soon...
I'm off to Appleton to hang with Miranda and Holly! I'm SO excited. It's only been a couple of weeks since I've seen them, but I haven't talked to them much and I just miss them terribly. We were supposed to run in a 5K tomorrow morning, but it was cancelled due to a low number of participants. So, I think all we have planned is going to Door County tomorrow. :) Should be fun!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Me: "Wow, Mason! You spelled all of your words right!"
Mason: Yeah, I know. I can read everything you know."
Me: "Everything?"
Mason: "Yep. Well, except when I get stuck."
In other news, I tried out a new Bible study last night. My friend Shelley from Heritage leads a co-ed one on Monday nights, so I asked her about it. I didn't feel very connected to the Bible study I was in last year, so I decided to look around. There are at least 20 people in this study so we talked as a whole group for a bit, and then broke up into 3 smaller groups to discuss the passage being studied. Each week the small discussion groups change, so I'll have a chance to get to know the other people in the group. I really enjoyed the people I met last night. I met some fun women and I felt comfortable right away. I definitely plan on sticking with this study this year. :)
Mason: Yeah, I know. I can read everything you know."
Me: "Everything?"
Mason: "Yep. Well, except when I get stuck."
In other news, I tried out a new Bible study last night. My friend Shelley from Heritage leads a co-ed one on Monday nights, so I asked her about it. I didn't feel very connected to the Bible study I was in last year, so I decided to look around. There are at least 20 people in this study so we talked as a whole group for a bit, and then broke up into 3 smaller groups to discuss the passage being studied. Each week the small discussion groups change, so I'll have a chance to get to know the other people in the group. I really enjoyed the people I met last night. I met some fun women and I felt comfortable right away. I definitely plan on sticking with this study this year. :)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Kindergarteners say the darndest things!
I decided that since I will probably hear so many funny little kid sayings this year, I'm going to document as many as possible. Here are a couple from my first week!
A student playing in the house center: "You can use the credit card. (hands me a pretend credit card) Then you won't have to pay any money!"
Desiree to the student teacher in the house center: "Your credit card doesn't work. It's been denied!" (think she's heard that one somewhere before??)
More to come later!
A student playing in the house center: "You can use the credit card. (hands me a pretend credit card) Then you won't have to pay any money!"
Desiree to the student teacher in the house center: "Your credit card doesn't work. It's been denied!" (think she's heard that one somewhere before??)
More to come later!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Life in kindergarten!
I finished my first week of work! Whew, I'm exhausted! I'm really enjoying it though. I work with both kindergarten classrooms at Lincoln Elementary in Wauwatosa. Each class has 25 students (one class will soon have 26!) so I have lots of kiddos to work with! I pretty much had all their names down by the end of the second day...go me! The teachers and I sat down and made a schedule for me earlier this week. I basically help out in one classroom for an hour or two, and then switch to the other class...and go back and forth all day. It's hectic and tiring, but it's fun. I love kindergarten. I love the kids' curiosity and excitement. I love their cute sayings. And they're so adorable! I'm learning a ton from the two teachers I work with. And they know I'm a certified teacher, so they want to give me plenty of teaching responsibility. But, one of the best parts about this job is that I have no outside work! I don't really know what to do with my time after work. It's a good problem to have though. :)
Overall, being back in Milwaukee has been good. Last night, I went to the Heritage homecoming game and saw a lot of my former coworkers and even a few students. It was a blast and so good for my heart. Those people are my family here and I've really missed them. I kept hearing how much they all miss me at Heritage, but they're all genuinely excited for my new job. I miss my girls from Madison like crazy and I haven't really gotten to talk to them much since coming back to Milwaukee, but it helps knowing that I have people here that care about me and that I enjoy spending time with. I'm excited to see what changes this year will bring!
Overall, being back in Milwaukee has been good. Last night, I went to the Heritage homecoming game and saw a lot of my former coworkers and even a few students. It was a blast and so good for my heart. Those people are my family here and I've really missed them. I kept hearing how much they all miss me at Heritage, but they're all genuinely excited for my new job. I miss my girls from Madison like crazy and I haven't really gotten to talk to them much since coming back to Milwaukee, but it helps knowing that I have people here that care about me and that I enjoy spending time with. I'm excited to see what changes this year will bring!
Friday, September 18, 2009
God is good. period.
Wow, God blows my mind. If you haven't heard yet, I got a job! I applied a couple weeks ago to a few teacher assistant positions in Wauwatosa, but honestly, didn't think much of it because I didn't have much hope. On Tuesday, I got a call about interviewing for one of these positions. I had to ask what positions they were because I'd applied to so many! I interviewed on Thursday, and it was probably one of the shortest interviews I've had...15 minutes. It went well and I felt pretty confident about it. Today, I got the call offering me the kindergarten teacher's aide position...the one I wanted the most. I start sometime next week, so I'll leave Madison on Sunday or Monday.
The last few months have been pretty hard. Fun...good...but hard. The Lord really worked on my heart this summer...once I actually slowed down enough to hear Him. It was hard to not lose heart and give up. I wanted to give up on trying to find a job because I didn't think there was anything that people would see in me that would set me apart from the others. I felt lonely despite being in the city I love living with my closest friends. But, over the last month or so, I've been slapped in the face by love (sound familiar Holly? :P) I have realized just how loved I am. The support I had when I had a job lead was incredible...I've never experienced so many people pulling for me and praying for me. I attempted to overcome a huge challenge (running) and have been successful (I went for a 25 minute run today and I was blown away by how much easier it's become)...and again, I have so many people encouraging me and telling me they're proud of me. And now I have a school that's excited to hire me...ME! The principal told me today that he was really impressed with my interview and how knowledgeable I am for a new teacher.
I've always known in my mind that God loves me and has my interests at heart. It's been something I've been told since childhood. But this summer, it was hard for me to believe it in my heart...truly believe it deep down. When the summer began, I had lost my job (a job I loved), was living at home again, and felt incredibly lonely. Yes, Jesus loves me...but I didn't understand why my life looked like it did. But, that's what it took for me to slow down, look up, and run into His arms. I neglected His strength and support last year...one of the hardest years of my life, and I didn't turn to Him. My heart became numb and I stopped feeling anything. I was so tired of feeling sad, defeated, tired, stressed...so I stopped feeling altogether. It took my life taking a u-turn for me to stop and realize I need Him.
I turned away from Him...and yet He still held my hand and led me to a better life. He was my last priority, but I was His first. He surrounded me with incredible friends this summer that never stop loving me for me. He whispered to me during church and helped me realize that I shouldn't give up on Him. And now He's blessed me with this great job opportunity.
The journey isn't over. In fact, a new one is just beginning. I'm heading back to Milwaukee and starting a completely new phase of my life. But, instead of going into it upset that I'm leaving something comfortable like I did last year, I'm going into it on the other side of an emotional and spiritual desert...refreshed and renewed.
The last few months have been pretty hard. Fun...good...but hard. The Lord really worked on my heart this summer...once I actually slowed down enough to hear Him. It was hard to not lose heart and give up. I wanted to give up on trying to find a job because I didn't think there was anything that people would see in me that would set me apart from the others. I felt lonely despite being in the city I love living with my closest friends. But, over the last month or so, I've been slapped in the face by love (sound familiar Holly? :P) I have realized just how loved I am. The support I had when I had a job lead was incredible...I've never experienced so many people pulling for me and praying for me. I attempted to overcome a huge challenge (running) and have been successful (I went for a 25 minute run today and I was blown away by how much easier it's become)...and again, I have so many people encouraging me and telling me they're proud of me. And now I have a school that's excited to hire me...ME! The principal told me today that he was really impressed with my interview and how knowledgeable I am for a new teacher.
I've always known in my mind that God loves me and has my interests at heart. It's been something I've been told since childhood. But this summer, it was hard for me to believe it in my heart...truly believe it deep down. When the summer began, I had lost my job (a job I loved), was living at home again, and felt incredibly lonely. Yes, Jesus loves me...but I didn't understand why my life looked like it did. But, that's what it took for me to slow down, look up, and run into His arms. I neglected His strength and support last year...one of the hardest years of my life, and I didn't turn to Him. My heart became numb and I stopped feeling anything. I was so tired of feeling sad, defeated, tired, stressed...so I stopped feeling altogether. It took my life taking a u-turn for me to stop and realize I need Him.
I turned away from Him...and yet He still held my hand and led me to a better life. He was my last priority, but I was His first. He surrounded me with incredible friends this summer that never stop loving me for me. He whispered to me during church and helped me realize that I shouldn't give up on Him. And now He's blessed me with this great job opportunity.
The journey isn't over. In fact, a new one is just beginning. I'm heading back to Milwaukee and starting a completely new phase of my life. But, instead of going into it upset that I'm leaving something comfortable like I did last year, I'm going into it on the other side of an emotional and spiritual desert...refreshed and renewed.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Never let go
Well, all schools are officially underway. Most public schools started on Sept. 1 and Heritage started on Sept. 9. Which means I officially am stuck with subbing for now. Which is fine - I figured that's what would happen - but schools starting means my chances of landing a full-time teaching job are over until next school year.
Both first days of school were hard days for me. It's hard for me to read Facebook status updates of my friends that are teachers about their first days of school. It's hard for me to realize that I had a full-time job, but now I'm back to where I started. I thought my job searching days were over last year. I thought I'd get to teach full-time at Heritage for as long as I wanted, or as long as I felt like it was the place for me.
I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I have sooo many ideas of how I want to do things differently or things I want to try in the classroom. I get so excited about new teaching ideas and it just sucks that I can't use them.
It's interesting that despite how hard of a year I had last year, I still am anxious to teach. There were many bad things about last year, but as I think back on last year, the good things outweigh the bad in my mind. Instead of being weighed down by the negative, I realize that there are things I would do differently and I'm anxious to try them out and attempt to further "perfect" my teaching.
Yesterday in church, we sang the song "Never Let Go".
It's so easy for me to want to give up on the idea of me getting a full-time teaching job. And it's so easy for me to not want to have a heart of praise. But, my feelings and circumstances don't change God's goodness. The fact that things aren't going the way I want them doesn't mean that God isn't doing something good in my life. I've been able to use this time off to do lots of things I normally wouldn't do (like train for a 5K, what??) and bless people I care about.
It was comforting to be reminded yesterday that God will never let go of me. Never. Sometimes it feels like He is more distant. It's easy to feel that way when things aren't going the way I'd like. But, He's still holding my hand through this. It makes me think of a little kid holding his dad's hand. When they're walking down a sidewalk alone, it's easy for the kid to hold on to his dad's hand. But, in a large crowd, it's hard to hold on. But that dad will never let go of his child's hand...he actually will hold onto it harder to help lead the child through the crowd. God is the same way. He's holding my hand through the crowd. He doesn't want to lose me as I go through this time of my life where I can't see what's ahead. That's comforting. Things will turn out okay in the end. :)
Both first days of school were hard days for me. It's hard for me to read Facebook status updates of my friends that are teachers about their first days of school. It's hard for me to realize that I had a full-time job, but now I'm back to where I started. I thought my job searching days were over last year. I thought I'd get to teach full-time at Heritage for as long as I wanted, or as long as I felt like it was the place for me.
I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I have sooo many ideas of how I want to do things differently or things I want to try in the classroom. I get so excited about new teaching ideas and it just sucks that I can't use them.
It's interesting that despite how hard of a year I had last year, I still am anxious to teach. There were many bad things about last year, but as I think back on last year, the good things outweigh the bad in my mind. Instead of being weighed down by the negative, I realize that there are things I would do differently and I'm anxious to try them out and attempt to further "perfect" my teaching.
Yesterday in church, we sang the song "Never Let Go".
"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to this trouble but until that day comes
Still I will praise you, still I will praise you Lord
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, you never let go of me"
It's so easy for me to want to give up on the idea of me getting a full-time teaching job. And it's so easy for me to not want to have a heart of praise. But, my feelings and circumstances don't change God's goodness. The fact that things aren't going the way I want them doesn't mean that God isn't doing something good in my life. I've been able to use this time off to do lots of things I normally wouldn't do (like train for a 5K, what??) and bless people I care about.
It was comforting to be reminded yesterday that God will never let go of me. Never. Sometimes it feels like He is more distant. It's easy to feel that way when things aren't going the way I'd like. But, He's still holding my hand through this. It makes me think of a little kid holding his dad's hand. When they're walking down a sidewalk alone, it's easy for the kid to hold on to his dad's hand. But, in a large crowd, it's hard to hold on. But that dad will never let go of his child's hand...he actually will hold onto it harder to help lead the child through the crowd. God is the same way. He's holding my hand through the crowd. He doesn't want to lose me as I go through this time of my life where I can't see what's ahead. That's comforting. Things will turn out okay in the end. :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
A lesson in Philippians 4:13
As many of you know, I've been training for a 5K. Over the summer, Jenny (co-worker from Heritage) brought up the idea of doing a 5K in the fall, and without much thought, I said yes.
If you know me well enough, you know that I am not a runner. And you know that I do not make decisions easily. My mom used to get so annoyed with me as a kid because I could easily take 10 minutes to pick out a candy bar at the grocery store. But that's a different issue.
I do not have good memories of running in school. Whenever we had to do the mile run in P.E., I was always one of the last ones to finish. I was the one that made the entire class wait while I huffed and puffed around the track before we could go on with the rest of class. It was humiliating.
But, for some reason, I decided to take on this challenge. I'm not one to take challenges in my life. I like to stay within my comfort zone and keep life easy. But, I liked the idea of having something to work for while I'm unemployed. It makes me feel less like a complete bum. ;)
Anyway, Jenny told me about this "couch to 5K" training program. It's a 9 week program that uses alternating running and walking to work your way up to running 3 miles. I liked the idea of the program and it seemed like something I could actually have a shot at doing. So, in August, I started training.
So far, the training has been going well. I had to repeat a week because I went from running on a treadmill to running outside (it's so much harder to run outside!). As soon as I finally felt comfortable with where my schedule was at, it got much harder. Today, I went running with Holly after she got off work. I had to alternate walking 5 min. and running 8 min. The most I had run up to this point was 5 min. at a time, so 8 min. was a bit more challenging. Well, it turned out to be a lot more challenging. If it wasn't for Holly, I would've given up on myself. She was an awesome motivator and wouldn't let me quit. It was almost like being on The Biggest Loser and having my own personal Bob...except without the yelling. :)
At the end of my last 8 min. interval run, I couldn't breathe. As I was running, it felt like my throat was getting smaller and it was getting hard to breathe. Once I stopped running, I tried to catch my breath, but it was hard to take deep enough breaths. I started hyperventilating and crying. I've never not been able to breathe, so I freaked out. Luckily, I had Holly with me and she helped me calm down and catch my breath. I finally caught my breath, but I felt so embarrassed. We were on a trail just outside of the UW-Madison campus, so there were a ton of students out for afternoon runs. I felt so stupid. Who cries after running?? (Kind of like a "there's no crying in baseball!" moment...except insert running.) Holly reassured me that I wasn't stupid and she told me repeatedly how proud she was of me for not giving up on my running. She's such a rockstar friend. :)
I definitely don't give myself enough credit. I compare myself to other people and then beat myself up when I don't match up. I'm glad I was able to finish my run today, but I felt like a wimp because I could barely get through it and so many other people can do things like run marathons.
In the spring of sixth grade, I decided to sign up for the baseball team. I had just moved to Wisconsin in the winter, but I knew I loved baseball (surprised? :P), so I signed up. I ended up being the only girl on the team. Before practices even started, the boys at school made fun of me for joining. They said things like "You're a girl...can you even hit the ball??" I quit before the season started. I let myself believe what they said was true. In my mind, I thought, "I don't have any experience playing baseball...of course I'm going to suck." But, I will never know if that was true because I didn't give myself a chance. I quit and didn't play a sport until I joined a frisbee team...12 years later. I let those stupid middle school boys dictate the rest of my school-age years. Ever since then, I've let myself believe that I won't succeed in something like sports. So, now, when my running gets hard, my mind immediately starts thinking, "You can't do this. This is too hard. You're not athletic...why would you convince yourself you could even try to run this much? You're not as skinny as that girl that just passed you...you don't stand a chance..."
It's so hard to keep going when that's all that goes through my head. But, I want to prove myself wrong. I want to prove those stupid middle school boys wrong. I may not be the fittest or the skinniest or the fastest, but I have the potential to do this. I have Jesus on my side and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. That needs to be my motivator. HE needs to be my motivator (although, Holly's a great one too!).
If you know me well enough, you know that I am not a runner. And you know that I do not make decisions easily. My mom used to get so annoyed with me as a kid because I could easily take 10 minutes to pick out a candy bar at the grocery store. But that's a different issue.
I do not have good memories of running in school. Whenever we had to do the mile run in P.E., I was always one of the last ones to finish. I was the one that made the entire class wait while I huffed and puffed around the track before we could go on with the rest of class. It was humiliating.
But, for some reason, I decided to take on this challenge. I'm not one to take challenges in my life. I like to stay within my comfort zone and keep life easy. But, I liked the idea of having something to work for while I'm unemployed. It makes me feel less like a complete bum. ;)
Anyway, Jenny told me about this "couch to 5K" training program. It's a 9 week program that uses alternating running and walking to work your way up to running 3 miles. I liked the idea of the program and it seemed like something I could actually have a shot at doing. So, in August, I started training.
So far, the training has been going well. I had to repeat a week because I went from running on a treadmill to running outside (it's so much harder to run outside!). As soon as I finally felt comfortable with where my schedule was at, it got much harder. Today, I went running with Holly after she got off work. I had to alternate walking 5 min. and running 8 min. The most I had run up to this point was 5 min. at a time, so 8 min. was a bit more challenging. Well, it turned out to be a lot more challenging. If it wasn't for Holly, I would've given up on myself. She was an awesome motivator and wouldn't let me quit. It was almost like being on The Biggest Loser and having my own personal Bob...except without the yelling. :)
At the end of my last 8 min. interval run, I couldn't breathe. As I was running, it felt like my throat was getting smaller and it was getting hard to breathe. Once I stopped running, I tried to catch my breath, but it was hard to take deep enough breaths. I started hyperventilating and crying. I've never not been able to breathe, so I freaked out. Luckily, I had Holly with me and she helped me calm down and catch my breath. I finally caught my breath, but I felt so embarrassed. We were on a trail just outside of the UW-Madison campus, so there were a ton of students out for afternoon runs. I felt so stupid. Who cries after running?? (Kind of like a "there's no crying in baseball!" moment...except insert running.) Holly reassured me that I wasn't stupid and she told me repeatedly how proud she was of me for not giving up on my running. She's such a rockstar friend. :)
I definitely don't give myself enough credit. I compare myself to other people and then beat myself up when I don't match up. I'm glad I was able to finish my run today, but I felt like a wimp because I could barely get through it and so many other people can do things like run marathons.
In the spring of sixth grade, I decided to sign up for the baseball team. I had just moved to Wisconsin in the winter, but I knew I loved baseball (surprised? :P), so I signed up. I ended up being the only girl on the team. Before practices even started, the boys at school made fun of me for joining. They said things like "You're a girl...can you even hit the ball??" I quit before the season started. I let myself believe what they said was true. In my mind, I thought, "I don't have any experience playing baseball...of course I'm going to suck." But, I will never know if that was true because I didn't give myself a chance. I quit and didn't play a sport until I joined a frisbee team...12 years later. I let those stupid middle school boys dictate the rest of my school-age years. Ever since then, I've let myself believe that I won't succeed in something like sports. So, now, when my running gets hard, my mind immediately starts thinking, "You can't do this. This is too hard. You're not athletic...why would you convince yourself you could even try to run this much? You're not as skinny as that girl that just passed you...you don't stand a chance..."
It's so hard to keep going when that's all that goes through my head. But, I want to prove myself wrong. I want to prove those stupid middle school boys wrong. I may not be the fittest or the skinniest or the fastest, but I have the potential to do this. I have Jesus on my side and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. That needs to be my motivator. HE needs to be my motivator (although, Holly's a great one too!).
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
For it is in giving that we receive...
During worship at church on Sunday, we read a prayer out loud as a congregation that really spoke to me. It goes something like this:
I posted a week or so ago about being in Madison to help Jennifer (and Holly), and my fear of doing things to be noticed/loved/whatever. I fear having selfish motives. This prayer at church spoke to me because it talks about how we need to do things to make things better for others. Instead of focusing on ourselves and what we get out of certain situations, we need to focus on other people and how they are being affected. And in this, we will receive the love, understanding, consolation, etc. that we long for.
Sometimes when I'm down, I sit and dwell on how I'm feeling and sulk that I'm feeling that way. How is that going to change anything? If I want to feel loved by others, I need to be someone that others want to love. Rather than focusing on me, I need to focus on being someone who brings light to people (both friends and strangers)...someone who gives of themselves to help others...someone who loves unconditionally.
Jesus lived a hard life where he was often mistreated. Even though He is the God of the universe, He lived a life of persecution and serving on this Earth. Yet, when we read about Him, He never dwelled on how hard his life was, or sulked about how He was tired or being mistreated or didn't feel loved. He knew His Father loved Him and He came to the world to give that love to others. I should be doing the same. This life isn't about me. It's about spreading God's love to others. While pouring into others, they will in turn pour into me. God will provide the right people in my life to help me on this journey. But, I can't expect people to pour into me while I'm just sitting on my butt worrying about myself.
I often feel like I blend into the crowd and get lost in the shadows. What if I was someone who loved "out loud" more? I bet I wouldn't feel lost in the shadows as much...
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.
I posted a week or so ago about being in Madison to help Jennifer (and Holly), and my fear of doing things to be noticed/loved/whatever. I fear having selfish motives. This prayer at church spoke to me because it talks about how we need to do things to make things better for others. Instead of focusing on ourselves and what we get out of certain situations, we need to focus on other people and how they are being affected. And in this, we will receive the love, understanding, consolation, etc. that we long for.
Sometimes when I'm down, I sit and dwell on how I'm feeling and sulk that I'm feeling that way. How is that going to change anything? If I want to feel loved by others, I need to be someone that others want to love. Rather than focusing on me, I need to focus on being someone who brings light to people (both friends and strangers)...someone who gives of themselves to help others...someone who loves unconditionally.
Jesus lived a hard life where he was often mistreated. Even though He is the God of the universe, He lived a life of persecution and serving on this Earth. Yet, when we read about Him, He never dwelled on how hard his life was, or sulked about how He was tired or being mistreated or didn't feel loved. He knew His Father loved Him and He came to the world to give that love to others. I should be doing the same. This life isn't about me. It's about spreading God's love to others. While pouring into others, they will in turn pour into me. God will provide the right people in my life to help me on this journey. But, I can't expect people to pour into me while I'm just sitting on my butt worrying about myself.
I often feel like I blend into the crowd and get lost in the shadows. What if I was someone who loved "out loud" more? I bet I wouldn't feel lost in the shadows as much...
Friday, September 4, 2009
Trying to be creative
I felt like being creative and getting a new blog background. In other words, I need a life... :P
Monday, August 31, 2009
My life continues to be crazy...
My life is so unpredictable right now. I came to Madison over the weekend to help Miranda and Holly move. I then stayed on Sunday to help Holly clean and get her new room in order. Well, that led to me staying the night Sunday night (I can be easily persuaded). As Holly, Jennifer, and I were hanging out before bed, we were talking about how I probably won't be working until the end of the month because either schools aren't hiring new subs until then, or there just won't be sub jobs until then. This conversation led to Jennifer asking me if I would consider staying in Madison for a few weeks to help her (she injured her foot a couple of weeks ago) since she can't drive right now. So...I'm back in Madison. It's been pretty fun so far, even though I make multiple drives to campus (about a 15 min. drive) each day. I get to stay at their apartment for free, so I really can't complain. And, it gives me a couple more weeks with them. :)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a pushover. It took them asking me to stay once before I told them I would...even though it meant making a trip to Milwaukee and back in one afternoon. I love feeling needed by people, though. So, the thought of being there for someone and knowing that I'm helping out and making a difference is important to me. And if that means driving all over the place for them or helping move/unpack, it's worth it for me. It makes me feel good to know that I'm helping someone I love. But, I also think sometimes I fear that I do things for people because I know it'll make me feel more loved by others. I really don't want my motivation for helping others to be selfish...but I love the affirmation/attention/love I get. I love knowing that I'm appreciated. And I think sometimes, subconsciously, I want to help people out because I want them to love me...appreciate me...in fear that maybe I would go unnoticed if I didn't.
What a twisted mindset. But, deep down I have a huge need to feel loved. Even though I know my friends care about me, sometimes my twisted mind makes me question that unless I'm told that someone loves or appreciates me, or I get a hug or pat on the back from someone. Am I alone in this? Or is this normal? Why can't I just accept the fact that people do care about me instead of needing them to constantly tell me or show me? I think sometimes I worry that people care about other people more than me. Which is okay...I don't need to be the most important person in everyone's life. But for some reason, my mind tells me something's wrong with me if I'm not. It tells me that there's something I don't have that people are looking for or value. I know it's not true, but my heart doesn't believe the truth all the time.
This is something I've been wrestling with for a long time. Sometimes it goes away, but it seems to always find a way back. I need to find a way to make truth not only permeate my mind, but my heart also. I need to get to a point where lies don't have control over my mind, but where truth can overcome them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a pushover. It took them asking me to stay once before I told them I would...even though it meant making a trip to Milwaukee and back in one afternoon. I love feeling needed by people, though. So, the thought of being there for someone and knowing that I'm helping out and making a difference is important to me. And if that means driving all over the place for them or helping move/unpack, it's worth it for me. It makes me feel good to know that I'm helping someone I love. But, I also think sometimes I fear that I do things for people because I know it'll make me feel more loved by others. I really don't want my motivation for helping others to be selfish...but I love the affirmation/attention/love I get. I love knowing that I'm appreciated. And I think sometimes, subconsciously, I want to help people out because I want them to love me...appreciate me...in fear that maybe I would go unnoticed if I didn't.
What a twisted mindset. But, deep down I have a huge need to feel loved. Even though I know my friends care about me, sometimes my twisted mind makes me question that unless I'm told that someone loves or appreciates me, or I get a hug or pat on the back from someone. Am I alone in this? Or is this normal? Why can't I just accept the fact that people do care about me instead of needing them to constantly tell me or show me? I think sometimes I worry that people care about other people more than me. Which is okay...I don't need to be the most important person in everyone's life. But for some reason, my mind tells me something's wrong with me if I'm not. It tells me that there's something I don't have that people are looking for or value. I know it's not true, but my heart doesn't believe the truth all the time.
This is something I've been wrestling with for a long time. Sometimes it goes away, but it seems to always find a way back. I need to find a way to make truth not only permeate my mind, but my heart also. I need to get to a point where lies don't have control over my mind, but where truth can overcome them.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The other day, I went to Holly's first fall frisbee game with Jennifer. A girl from my summer team was on the opposing team and was sharing Holly's water, so she often came over to where we were sitting to get a drink. One of the times she came over, she asked me if I was playing in fall league. I started to answer her, explaining that I was moving back to Milwaukee later in the week, but she walked away in the middle of my explanation (literally 2 sentences). Jennifer couldn't believe she had done that, but my first reaction was that it wasn't much different to how many people on my summer team treat me. I gave Jennifer the example of when Holly and I missed 2 weeks worth of games due to being out of town (for different reasons). When we returned, everyone on our team was so excited that Holly was back...while not a single person realized I had even been gone for 2 weeks. Either that, or they did realize, but just didn't care. My reaction to things like this is "What's new? It's the story of my life."
I was quickly told by both Holly and Jennifer on the way home that it doesn't have to be like that. People treat me like that because I let them. I sort of agree with this and have been known to let friends of mine walk over me and mistreat me, but I feel like it's different with people I don't know. Before I even get to know people, I feel like I'm cast into the shadows right away. I can't even count how many times I have to be introduced to people multiple times until they remember they've met me. I always thought it was because I'm quiet around people I don't know, especially when I'm not comfortable. That's who I am...someone who is quiet until I get to know people and feel more comfortable. I don't understand why that causes people to ignore me or not notice me or whatever.
Do I have to change who I am to change how people perceive me?
What do I do when I meet someone new that causes them to not remember me?
Do I come off as stuck up? Boring? Not interested in them?
The girls told me that it's one thing to be quiet and be okay with it...it's another thing to be quiet but not be okay with how people respond to it. Sometimes we have to do things out of our comfort zone. The only way I am going to be able to change how people act towards me is to change how I act towards them first.
That scares me.
I don't know how to go about it. I don't know how to suddenly become more talkative or outgoing or confident. I don't feel like I act uninterested when I meet new people, but I guess I need to put more effort into making conversation. I need to be more proactive about getting to know people. I love it when people take time out to ask me questions...get to know me...get to know my heart. I need to try to take the initiative in doing the same with others. It's not that I don't want to...it's just hard for me to do. It's not something that comes naturally. I want to be someone who people remember. I want to be someone who not only cares about others, but shows it. Sometimes...I just want to be someone else.
I was quickly told by both Holly and Jennifer on the way home that it doesn't have to be like that. People treat me like that because I let them. I sort of agree with this and have been known to let friends of mine walk over me and mistreat me, but I feel like it's different with people I don't know. Before I even get to know people, I feel like I'm cast into the shadows right away. I can't even count how many times I have to be introduced to people multiple times until they remember they've met me. I always thought it was because I'm quiet around people I don't know, especially when I'm not comfortable. That's who I am...someone who is quiet until I get to know people and feel more comfortable. I don't understand why that causes people to ignore me or not notice me or whatever.
Do I have to change who I am to change how people perceive me?
What do I do when I meet someone new that causes them to not remember me?
Do I come off as stuck up? Boring? Not interested in them?
The girls told me that it's one thing to be quiet and be okay with it...it's another thing to be quiet but not be okay with how people respond to it. Sometimes we have to do things out of our comfort zone. The only way I am going to be able to change how people act towards me is to change how I act towards them first.
That scares me.
I don't know how to go about it. I don't know how to suddenly become more talkative or outgoing or confident. I don't feel like I act uninterested when I meet new people, but I guess I need to put more effort into making conversation. I need to be more proactive about getting to know people. I love it when people take time out to ask me questions...get to know me...get to know my heart. I need to try to take the initiative in doing the same with others. It's not that I don't want to...it's just hard for me to do. It's not something that comes naturally. I want to be someone who people remember. I want to be someone who not only cares about others, but shows it. Sometimes...I just want to be someone else.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
T-1 day until Milwaukee...
As you all know, I spent the summer in Madison. It was great to get away from everything, relax, and try to figure out the next step of my life. I was met with some issues in my life and heart that I didn't really realize were there until I slowed down...I'll post on those later. At times, it was a hard summer...I guess that just goes along with the hard year I had...but it was also a refreshing summer. As I get closer to heading back to Milwaukee, I often think back on when I first moved back to Milwaukee to start at Heritage a year ago. It feels like ages ago, and at the same time, the past year went by so fast. I remember how miserable I was. Leaving Madison was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...and I've moved a lot in my life. I felt like I had finally found solid community and I was suddenly ripped from it. I found myself having to rebuild community...again. I've never felt so lonely and depressed in my life. But, God knows how to provide for His children. Despite going through a very difficult first year of teaching, I was blessed with amazing coworkers. Now, a year later, I'm in a completely different place. For the first time in a very long time, I'm at peace about being in Milwaukee. It's been hard at times to come to terms with being let go at Heritage, but I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. The school is still going through a lot of bumps in the road and apparently God felt like it wasn't the best situation for me. It was frustrating to go through the summer and come up empty handed in the job department. But, I've decided to go back to subbing and get my foot in the door of a couple districts in the Milwaukee area...and I'm ok with it. Some days will be hard...some days my heart will ache for my own classroom and some consistency...but I did all I could to find a full-time teaching job and I'm confident that God has something else planned for me. I also feel at peace about some of the friendships I've made in Milwaukee. I've met some awesome, solid women that have just been good for my heart. They make me feel loved and cared for...just what I need. And I get to live with one of them this year, which will be awesome. :) So, it's been cool to think about how things worked out this past year, despite it being so hard. And now, one day before heading back, I find myself actually excited about what lies ahead. I've learned that home isn't just a city...it's wherever you make it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
hi friends. if you were invited to this blog, that means you are someone important in my life that i want to keep updated on my crazy life. i felt very removed from the people important to me last year when i made the move to milwaukee, so upon returning, this is my attempt to stay more connected with you and share how and what i'm doing. feel free to post comments and let me know people are actually reading this thing. :)
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