A little over a week ago, I was able to get together with some of my former Oregon coworkers for dinner. It was so great! They make me laugh and feel like I'm part of the family. I love them dearly.
One thing that made this night interesting was that the two new kindergarten teachers that replaced me came (one was the one I had interviewed against but was later moved to a permanent position, and the other was the one hired to replace me after the first one was moved to a permanent position). Before they got there, I asked my former aide Kris how it was going with them and her response was "fine, but they're not you." After meeting them, they seem nice but they're very young. I'm sure they're doing fine, but I just find the whole thing so interesting. I would love to ask the superintendent what they have that I don't.
Later in the night, they were asking me about life and inevitably the topic of relationships (or the lack thereof) came up. Kris' daughter Ali was with us and she and Kris started talking about how Ali's friend Jeff would be perfect for me. He goes to my church, is an athletic trainer for the Badger football team, and is just an all-around nice, good-looking guy. This got the rest of my coworkers really excited and they started devising a way for me to meet him. We decided that I am going to meet him next weekend after the football game. I guess they usually go out to one of the bars by the stadium after the game, so I'll meet up with them after the game. I like that it will be a casual group thing with people I feel comfortable with.
Part of me is really excited. The more they told me about him, the more he sounded like the type of guy I've been looking for. But, last weekend, I started to struggle with some thoughts of inadequacy and overall lack of self esteem.
On Sunday, I was at my friend Kristin's for the Packer game. During one of the commercial breaks, she started to tell us about how she sat behind one of the hottest guys at church a couple of weeks ago. She went on to say that they talked a bit during the meet and greet but she had decided to try to ask him out if he stuck around after church. He didn't end up sticking around and she didn't get another chance to talk to him. At this point, I started to tell the girls about the guy my coworkers want to set me up with. As we talked, Kristin and I realized we were talking about the same guy! I felt bad at first, but Kristin was cool about it.
Later that night, my roommate Rachel texted me from church to tell me that she was sitting next to the guy at church! When she came home, she said I have some "competition" because she saw Kristin talking to him after church. I had been texting with Kristin and I know she isn't going to ask him out or anything because my friends are trying to set me up with him, but I didn't like that Rachel called it competition. I've spent too much of my life comparing myself to other girls and even thinking other girls have things that I don't that make them more desirable to guys. And of course, Kristin is tall, skinny, pretty, athletic, nice...so I suddenly felt uneasy about the whole thing.
I started thinking about the things I've heard about this guy which made me feel like this kind of guy wouldn't like a girl like me. If he's really as hot and fit as people are saying, why would he like little old me? I don't usually attract hot, athletic guys. I feel like those kind of guys like skinny, athletic girls. I then started thinking about the whole Kristin thing. If he didn't like Kristin, he definitely wouldn't like me. On the other hand, if he did like her, then there was no chance for me. I kept thinking about how it was just going to be a lost cause with me on the losing end.
All this thinking was driving me crazy and stressing me out. I quickly realized that I couldn't let myself think like that. If God is in ultimate control, anything can happen and He has it all planned out. God has shown me in the past that He can overcome things that feel like pretty big obstacles in my life, and without fail, it's been the right thing for my life. I'm slowly realizing that these self esteem struggles, or whatever you want to call them, are still evident in my mind. I thought I was doing better with feeling confident in and accepting who I am, but apparently it hasn't been completely surrendered. As I've thought more about it, my actions with guys in the past have made it pretty clear that I don't see myself the way God sees me. I've dated (if you can even call it dating...mostly just messing around with) guys I knew weren't good for me and clinging too much to them in order to feel wanted.
The sermon at church this morning really put things in perspective for me. Our pastor talked about three characteristics that followers of Christ have, with the last one being "faith that God can and will do what He promises." I call my self a follower of Christ, and I've had this faith in the past, but in this area of my life, I don't really live with this kind of faith. My actions don't show that I trust Him. In addition, I can't live my life thinking I'm not enough or finding my worth in guys. My identity needs to be in Christ, and believing He made me the way I am with a purpose. To help me with this, I picked up a book called You're Already Amazing (kind of a cheesy title, but it looks/sounds good) that helps women find and live in their strengths, and embrace who God made them to be without feeling like they need to do/have/be more. I'll update you with anything I learn from reading this book. Hopefully it'll be a lot!! :)
