A New Chapter

Well, here it is.  The eve of my 30th birthday.  Crazy.  I don't feel that old.  And had you asked me 10 years ago what my life would be like at 30, it certainly wouldn't be this.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life.  My singleness has allowed me to develop so many awesome friendships with so many amazing women.  I wouldn't trade that for the world.  But I still feel like there's a part of me that's "untapped."  I've gotten pretty good at living for myself.  As a single person, it's hard not to be selfish.  Granted, I try to do things for others and show love to those closest to me.   But, who am I kidding?  I could be better at this.  Anyway, I've discovered this part of me that loves to serve others and help when it's needed.  And what feels untapped is my desire to do that for a family.  I feel like I got a taste of that with Josh and I can't seem to shake how badly I want it.  I hate doing laundry when it's just my laundry.  It's not affecting anyone else, so I let it sit in the basket for a week before putting it away or folding it.  It drives me crazy that I do that, but it's just me so I don't care enough to do something about it or expend the energy.  And yet, when it's for someone else - serving someone else - it brings me joy.  I've helped Josh fold his laundry and pack his apartment, and I enjoyed every minute.  I was with someone I cared about and serving him, knowing it was helping him with something he doesn't like.

My 20s were all about discovering who I am and mostly focused on me.  Now I hope my 30s can be focused on others.  So friends, if you're reading this, hold me accountable to this and please don't hesitate to ever ask me to help with anything!  I'd do just about anything at the drop of a hat for those I care about, but I'm still working on learning how to figure out what needs need to be met before it's asked of me.  So while I don't have my own family, I do have so many amazing friends in my life.  I hope I'm able to better show you love in the next 10 years (and more!) of my life.  Even if I'm not able to physically be there for you, I hope I can become someone who prays for you more.  Because I'll be the first to admit, I suck at this right now and as your friend, I apologize that this isn't something more prevalent in my life yet.  I'm working on it. :)

I've spent some time recently thinking back on the past decade of my life.  I can't believe how quickly it went and how much I've changed and learned about myself.  I've had so many laughs, and believe it or not, many tears (although mostly private).  I've had fun times and I've made mistakes, big and small.  I've met more people than I can hardly keep track of, but have kept the ones that matter most closest to me.  What amazes me most is how constant God has been, despite me being anything but constant!  I've wandered, messed up, been selfish, and leaned on my own strength all too many times…and yet, the last decade is sprinkled with ways God has shown me grace, helped me learn and grow, and led me down the path He's marked out for me.  I wouldn't change anything for a second - all the good and bad - because it's made me who I am today and brought some amazing people into my life.  It's all a part of the story God has written for me…why would I change the story the Great Author has for me??  We all know I certainly can't write it any better, even though I try sometimes.  So, here's to the next chapter of my life before me.  Most people freak out about turning older, but for me, it's a new chapter filled with blank pages.  Pages that will be filled with laughter and heartbreak.  Pages that are already written by the One who knows me and loves me best, but are yet to be discovered.

So...read on. :)

FRUSTRATION

Last weekend, I went to a college roommate's wedding.  I wasn't expecting to have much fun because I was only going to know a handful of people.  But, I had a great time catching up and reminiscing with another college roommate.  After dinner, we made our way to the dance floor, and over the course of the night, I had 3 guys interested in talking and/or dancing with me.  One of them was a guy that the bride's mom wanted to set me up with.  He was a charming and fun guy, and I had a great time dancing with him.  But, I don't think he's a Christian and that's a big deal for me.

On my drive home, I was feeling conflicted.  I had a great time at the wedding, but I just had this feeling of frustration.  I had 3 guys show interest in me at this wedding…and yet the 1 guy I want seems to be taking forever to decide what he wants.  I know it's not something wrong with me that's causing Josh to be so indecisive.  But at the same time, I just want him to see what other people see in me.  Maybe he does see it, but I want him to act on it.  What girl doesn't want a guy to care about her so much that he doesn't want to hold back?

Since Josh's birthday on January 6, I decided to try a little experiment.  I decided to not initiate contact with him until my birthday party (next weekend - essentially, a month later) to see if he would initiate anything.  I had asked him if I could treat him to a birthday drink and he said he was busy that week and the following week he was traveling for work.  So, I told him he knows where to find me if he wants to cash in on it and then I took a step back.  Well, the month is almost over and I haven't heard a thing from him, aside from random Facebook comments every now and then.  I'm so frustrated and confused.  How can you tell me you want to start over, want me to build a relationship with your girls, and want to focus on our friendship right now and then NOT TALK TO ME??  Did he not mean those words?  Did he mean them, but is afraid to say or do anything?  Is he just too busy?  Ughhhhh I'm just at a loss for what to do.  Every guy I meet just doesn't even come close to Josh.  I'm still keeping my eyes open but it just doesn't look promising.  I know what I want.  I know who I want.  Why does it have to be so hard?  I feel like some people have it so easy.  Not that I want my life to be easy all the time, but I feel like I've had my fair share of trials and faith-building experiences.  I wish something - just one thing - would happen easily.  I'm sure someday I will look back at this and laugh or just shake my head, but for now I'm frustrated.