Well, here it is. The eve of my 30th birthday. Crazy. I don't feel that old. And had you asked me 10 years ago what my life would be like at 30, it certainly wouldn't be this. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. My singleness has allowed me to develop so many awesome friendships with so many amazing women. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I still feel like there's a part of me that's "untapped." I've gotten pretty good at living for myself. As a single person, it's hard not to be selfish. Granted, I try to do things for others and show love to those closest to me. But, who am I kidding? I could be better at this. Anyway, I've discovered this part of me that loves to serve others and help when it's needed. And what feels untapped is my desire to do that for a family. I feel like I got a taste of that with Josh and I can't seem to shake how badly I want it. I hate doing laundry when it's just my laundry. It's not affecting anyone else, so I let it sit in the basket for a week before putting it away or folding it. It drives me crazy that I do that, but it's just me so I don't care enough to do something about it or expend the energy. And yet, when it's for someone else - serving someone else - it brings me joy. I've helped Josh fold his laundry and pack his apartment, and I enjoyed every minute. I was with someone I cared about and serving him, knowing it was helping him with something he doesn't like.
My 20s were all about discovering who I am and mostly focused on me. Now I hope my 30s can be focused on others. So friends, if you're reading this, hold me accountable to this and please don't hesitate to ever ask me to help with anything! I'd do just about anything at the drop of a hat for those I care about, but I'm still working on learning how to figure out what needs need to be met before it's asked of me. So while I don't have my own family, I do have so many amazing friends in my life. I hope I'm able to better show you love in the next 10 years (and more!) of my life. Even if I'm not able to physically be there for you, I hope I can become someone who prays for you more. Because I'll be the first to admit, I suck at this right now and as your friend, I apologize that this isn't something more prevalent in my life yet. I'm working on it. :)
I've spent some time recently thinking back on the past decade of my life. I can't believe how quickly it went and how much I've changed and learned about myself. I've had so many laughs, and believe it or not, many tears (although mostly private). I've had fun times and I've made mistakes, big and small. I've met more people than I can hardly keep track of, but have kept the ones that matter most closest to me. What amazes me most is how constant God has been, despite me being anything but constant! I've wandered, messed up, been selfish, and leaned on my own strength all too many times…and yet, the last decade is sprinkled with ways God has shown me grace, helped me learn and grow, and led me down the path He's marked out for me. I wouldn't change anything for a second - all the good and bad - because it's made me who I am today and brought some amazing people into my life. It's all a part of the story God has written for me…why would I change the story the Great Author has for me?? We all know I certainly can't write it any better, even though I try sometimes. So, here's to the next chapter of my life before me. Most people freak out about turning older, but for me, it's a new chapter filled with blank pages. Pages that will be filled with laughter and heartbreak. Pages that are already written by the One who knows me and loves me best, but are yet to be discovered.
So...read on. :)
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