Another Year Down

Another year has come and gone.  Man, it feels like these years go by faster and faster the older I get.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I love the New Year.  I love the idea of reflecting on the past year, thinking about lessons learned, things that went well and things that didn't, and making goals for the year to come.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  It's refreshing.

Overall, 2013 was a great year.  Sure, I had hard times and heartache, but it's all been for good.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I not only decided to get back into shape, but I stuck with it!  I signed up for a gym and a trainer, but gained so much more than muscle.  I learned how to eat better, how my body works, and workouts that will give me results.  More importantly, I gained a huge sense of accomplishment and realized that I am STRONG and can do so much more than I realize when I put my mind to it.  I gained a whole new sense of self, and now have the most positive self esteem I've had in my entire life.  It's a very welcome change to the way I used to view myself (think a lot of negative thoughts and comparison).

2.  I captained our frisbee team by myself this year, and we had a winning season!  It was the most fun I've had playing frisbee, and I made new friends along the way.  I also learned that I'm not a half-bad leader.

3.  I went overseas for the first time in my life.  It was such a scary step out of my comfort zone, but it was oh so good for me.  It was an incredible trip filled with new experiences, new friends (so many!!), uncertainty, new outlooks on the world, and lessons about me as a person.  I really struggled at certain points on the trip, mostly with feeling ineffective and wondering why I was there, but I learned so much about myself through that.  And now I have a special place in my heart for Africa - for its beauty and brokenness.  I saw and experienced so much brokenness and yet I feel like Africans are richer than we are in America.

4.  I had, yet another, relationship that ended.  Except this one was different.  I've really learned a lot from my relationship with Josh.  It's been almost a year since we first met and it's crazy to think about how I've changed because of him.  I don't know what 2014 holds for us (if anything), but I am so thankful that I know him and had the experiences I've had with him and his girls.  I've realized what I want in a relationship and I don't want to settle for anything less.  I've had glimpses of what it will be like to have a family and it's ignited an immense desire for a family of my own.  I've never had such a passion to be a wife or mother like I have now.  I've learned about myself as a partner in a relationship - ways I am strong and supportive, as well as things I do that I just need to not try to control on my own - and have had a glimpse at what a healthy relationship looks like.

5.  I've realized the importance of having deep, meaningful friendships.  I grew up as someone who was more of a "floater" and had a lot of acquaintances.  I've since been blessed with a lot of solid friendships, which have made me realize quality is far more valuable than quantity.  They've been a huge source of support this year and have helped me grow, laugh, cry, and smile.  We try to squeeze as much fun out of the stage of life we're in and it's been so much fun.  People tell me that I have a very fun life, and I tell them it's because I have such fun friends. :)

6.  Overall, I feel like I've really learned a lot about myself and who God has made me to be.  I've spent a lot of my life struggling with not liking who I am or even being unsure of who I really am.  I finally feel like I know who I am…and I finally like who I am.  Granted, there's still so much I can and want to work on, I've learned how to give myself grace, be okay with who I am, and trust God along this crazy path called life.

I don't really have many specific goals or resolutions for this new year.  I just want to continue on with what I learned and started in 2013 and see where God takes me.  I have little things here and there that I want to work on, but overall I'm just hopeful for what the new year will bring.

Bah Humbug

I was a Scrooge this Christmas.  I felt guilty for being in such a bad mood.  I mean, it's Christmas time - it's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" right?  It's a time to celebrate God sending his Son to be our Savior.  How can I not be joyful at a time meant for celebrating that?  

It didn't help that I caught a cold right before Christmas, so I wasn't feeling the greatest.  Nothing too horrible, but enough to be a nuisance.  On Christmas Eve, we always visit my dad's side of the family in northern Illinois.  This year, my dad was going to bring his fiancee (yes, that's right…I found out about this around late October/early November) and her 4 kids (plus one spouse).  I've had limited interactions with my dad's fiancee and had only met 2 of her 4 kids.  I'm not particularly close with my dad, and haven't really liked how he's handled the communication about his relationship and now wedding.  And by communication, I mean lack thereof.  Anyway, I wasn't feeling particularly social and wanting to do small talk with people I didn't know.  When they all showed up, my dad didn't introduce me to any of Shirley's kids.  The house was also super packed with close to 30 people, so it was kind of hard to make your way around to talk to people.  After a while, Shirley's daughter's husband introduced himself to my sister and I and did introductions with the rest of her kids.  The whole night just felt weird.  Lots has changed in my family (babies, weddings, etc.), which meant a lot  of family members don't come anymore and things feel different with the ones that are there.  And then add in this whole family of people I don't know.  To top my bad mood off, my dad didn't even get my sister or I anything for Christmas (actually not the first time that's happened), but yet was able to get his fiancee a huge rock for her finger.  Not that Christmas is all about the gifts, but that just didn't sit well with me.  

My dad's fiancee and her kids are nice people - I really don't have any problems with them as people.  I just have a problem with how my dad handles things.  He now has this new family that he's spending a ton of time with.  We had to remind my dad to include my sister and I in a family picture at Christmas - he was just going to do one of him and Shirley's family - to which he responded "oh…right".  After my parents got divorced, my dad turned into the kind of person who made promises he couldn't keep and someone who would cancel his time with us kids to go out on dates.  I've come to not trust my dad.  And frankly, I've shut down and hardened my heart towards a close relationship with him because I've been burned one too many times by him.  It's weird and kind of hurtful to see him now with his new family being the dad he never was to his "real" kids.  

On Christmas morning, I was hoping for a better mood.  Instead of staying at my mom and stepdad's Christmas eve night like we usually do, my sister and I stayed at my brother and sister-in-law's because they were going to host Christmas morning.  While it was fun to wake up to my little niece running around, it was weird not to wake up at home.  We had a yummy Christmas breakfast and then opened gifts.  Afterwards, I headed back to my mom's for Christmas with my stepfamily that afternoon.  At this point, my sour mood had returned and my cold was flaring up.  It didn't help that my stepfamily is super loud and somewhat obnoxious.  To top that off, we found out that my sister's boyfriend was going to propose to her that night.  I was excited for her, but I also felt this immediate pang of heartache thinking about my baby sister getting engaged, leaving me to literally be the only family member over the age of 18 not married (or in a serious relationship) on all 3 sides of my family.  

I suddenly realized I felt like I didn't fit in with my own family anymore.  Everyone has their own "other" life and I don't.  Christmas just made me feel sad.  I felt such a heartache at the ways my family has changed and evolved, while feeling like nothing has changed with me.  I feel stuck while everyone else has their own little families.  And what is hard is that I not only want it for myself so much, but I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what it feels like (or could feel like) with Josh and it hurts that I have to wait.  I went to the Nutcracker with Josh and the girls a couple of weeks ago, and it was so amazing.  It was a blast getting dressed up, going downtown with them, and watching them experience something I love so much for the first time.  I felt like my heart was going to burst with so much joy that afternoon.  The girls had a blast and were so excited and happy - it was just perfect.  I wish I could've bottled the day up so I could open it whenever I'm feeling down.  

I don't even feel the need to be married at this moment in life.  I know that isn't the end all, be all.  But I want to feel like I have that person (my lobster as Phoebe from Friends would say) and that I'm heading in the direction of starting a life and memories with someone.  Maybe I am with Josh…it's not totally out of the picture.  But in the meantime - in this strange stage of unknown - it's hard.  I can't get over how much of a heartache it gives me at times.  All the changes and all the uncertainty is hard to swallow at times.

I must say that I have been incredibly blessed to have such amazing girlfriends in my life, both near and far.  They are girls I can have fun with, scream at football with, but who are mostly in the same stage of life as me, so we lean on each other often.  It makes me feel a little less like something is wrong with me when they tell me they know how I'm feeling. ;)  I wouldn't be this sane without them.

I read this from a devotional almost a month ago and it's something I'm desperately trying to remember day to day.  I need to stop longing for the next season of my life to start and be thankful for the season I'm in, while resting in and waiting with the Lord.

"I was forever changed when I stopped looking to the next season to make my life better. I started looking to Jesus in my times of waiting, in my times of enduring, and in my times of just-getting-through. When I looked to Jesus, I realized that He would be with me in the Then but He was also with me in the Now. I didn’t need to get to a new season of life to know Him.

So, while you groan, while you wait with expectation, can you also look to Jesus and ask that He sit with you? We’re all waiting for something, and it’s a blessed thing to look straight in the face of Jesus and know that He’s waiting with us. Thank goodness."