About a week ago, I went to a friend's housewarming party. Josh was invited and was going to be there. As always, I was excited to see him, but after our lunch date about a month prior, I wasn't really sure what to expect with how I'd feel when I saw him. The party was fun and there was a good balance of Josh and I talking and us hanging out with other people. But, I found it hard to not want to revert back to interacting with him the way I used to when we were dating. It's hard not to flirt with him a little. At the party, he was telling me about moving in a week and how much he hates packing. I told him that I actually get a lot of joy out of packing a perfect box and to let me know if he wanted help packing.
The following Wednesday, I asked him how his packing was going. He said it was going really slowly and asked if I could help the next evening. I went over on Thursday night, brought a pizza, and helped him pack, mostly with the girls' room. It was such a fun night. We got a lot done and worked well as a team. At times, we would work in separate rooms and not talk a whole lot (which wasn't weird...I like when there isn't the pressure to always be talking) and other times we would work together packing a room up and talking the whole time. I didn't feel like I needed him to tell me what needed to be done...I felt comfortable and just took charge of certain things that needed to be done. I felt at home.
After we finished packing, we sat and talked for almost 2 hours. We talked about the girls, our families, work...things we usually talk about. But, at one point in the conversation, he told me that the girls ask about me a lot. That is such a bittersweet thing to hear. It makes my heart so happy that the girls care about me so much that 3 months later, they're still asking about me. But at the same time, it breaks my heart because I miss them so much. I didn't ask what Josh tells them...I'm not sure I want to know. Instead, I just expressed that I really miss them. To that, Josh said that once they get settled in to their new apartment, we should get ice cream with the girls sometime. I nodded in approval, but in my head I wasn't sure how I felt about that statement. I would LOVE to see the girls again. But what are they going to think? I can just hear his youngest asking "Why don't we see you anymore?" I have no idea what he's told them thus far...what would I say to a 5 year old asking that question? Is it going to confuse them to see me again if Josh and I aren't together? A big thing that scared Josh was how much the girls were involved in our relationship. Why is he okay with this now? If he goes through with inviting me to hang out with them, I will have to talk to him about all these questions and feelings first. That's one thing we're both trying to be better about...saying something when something doesn't feel right or we're feeling uncertain.
After that conversation, we just sat and looked at each other. It was one of those moments where you could tell we both wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. I wanted to say how much I miss him and still care about him. Who knows what he was thinking. It was straight out of My Best Friend's Wedding when there's a moment to say something, and then all of a sudden, the moment passes without anyone saying something. Josh and I haven't talked about "us" since breaking up...I wasn't sure if bringing it up at that moment was the right thing to do. I kind of want him to take the lead in that when/if he ever feels the need. But part of me wishes I would've said something. We had that problem in our relationship - I assumed he would say or do things when he felt ready, but he didn't. Either way, ever since that moment, it's made me wonder if there could ever be the possibility of "us" again. I know I said I can't sit and wait for him. I'm not...in fact I have a first date this week with a guy a friend set me up with. I'm not turning down the chance to meet other guys and pursue other possibilities. But I just can't stop thinking about Josh and how I feel about him. I seriously felt like we were married on Thursday when I was helping him pack. At one point, I helped him fold some laundry and folded a pair of his boxers for goodness sakes (by accident...I thought they were a t-shirt when I picked them up :P)...but it wasn't weird. It felt normal and like it was something we did all the time. I feel like we're just so perfect for each other and it's so hard to not be able to do anything about it.
Today at church I was reminded that no matter what my hopes and dreams are, I need to surrender them to God because He is in control and His way is best. It's freeing and exciting to think that God could have an even better plan than what I could dream up, but it's SO hard to wait expectantly and patiently. My heart aches when I think of how much I miss Josh's girls and family, and how much I care about Josh. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I'll just take things day by day and trust the Lord knows what He's doing. ;)
