Keeping Busy

Yikes, life feels so crazy during the school year.  Working 10+ hour days, lifegroup, and now high school home group (I agreed to help lead a high school group in Waunakee this year) makes for some busy weeks.  My weekends are often filled with fun things with friends too.  Luckily I'm an extrovert and enjoy having things going on, as long as I have a day or two in the week to unwind.

Lots has happened on the boy front in the last month or so.  Josh and I have kept in touch through Facebook a bit since seeing each other in August.  It was really hard for me to not talk to him completely.  Last week, I sent him a link from something from church and he responded a few days later.  In his response, he asked me how I was and how school was going, and then told me he was running sound at church on Sunday and asked me to stop by.  Instead of just stopping by, I decided to ask if he wanted to grab lunch.  I didn't realize it until after I asked, but I realized I needed some clarity and closure from this lunch date.  It's been hard for me to feel like I could move on in the last few months because I "had this feeling" it wasn't over.  Whether or not that is true, I still need to move on with my life.  Anyway, we met up after church and went to Panera.  It was great to see him and to have a chance to catch up.  But, I did have some clarity.  In our conversation, we talked about how things were with his ex-wife and with the whole custody situation.  As he was talking, I realized nothing has changed.  Things with his ex-wife are the same...how he's feeling about it all are the same.  He's been divorced for 3 1/2 years...and he's still dealing with it.  How much longer will it go on?  Will he ever be ready for a relationship?  I realized I can't just sit and wait for him to be ready.  I know I said I wasn't going to just wait for him, but in my heart, I was.  I dreamed of him realizing how much life sucks without me and telling me he was wrong for breaking up with me.  But after seeing him last weekend, I realized that may never happen.  I can't hold out for something I hope will happen.  While it's sad to let go of, I realized it's something I need to do.  I will still miss him and I will always love him in some way, but I feel like this is something I need to do.

A couple of days before I saw Josh, I actually went out on a date with another guy.  About a week prior, a guy named Jeremiah messaged me because he saw me tagged in someone's pictures from the 80s run.  We messaged back and forth throughout the week and he asked me out for last Friday.  I met him at his place in Waunakee and we rode his motorcycle out to a trail in Lodi.  We hiked up the trail to eat a picnic and watch the sun set over Lake Wisconsin.  Afterwards, we drove back to his place and hung out around his fire pit.  Before I met him, I asked a few people who were friends with him on Facebook about him.  Most people had only met him once or twice, but let's just say he didn't get rave reviews.  Because of this, I wasn't super excited for our date.  But, we actually had a pretty nice time.  He doesn't show a lot of emotion initially and kind of comes off a little harsh, so I can see why people who don't know him well didn't have the best impression of him.  But once we both got comfortable, he opened up and softened up a bit.  We had enjoyable conversation and he made me laugh.  We've texted a little this week and are hanging out again on Thursday.  I had fun with him, but I'm not totally sure how I feel about him.  There are some things I still would like to know about him, like his faith, before I really know how I feel.  If anything, I felt encouraged on Friday.  It was encouraging to have fun with another guy and feel like I could move on from Josh.  It reassured me that life isn't over without Josh.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about life.  I love my friends and the fun times we have.  My job is demanding and tiring and hard this year, more than ever before, but day by day we make little gains.  Despite Josh not wanting to be with me, I'm feeling overall pretty good that a boy saw me in a ridiculous picture and liked what he saw, so much so that he felt the desire to pursue getting to know me.  Life will move on and God is with me every step of the way.  My life isn't what I thought it would be at almost 30 and there are so many things I ache to have in my life someday.  But, I was reminded this past week that every beautiful fall leaf, sunset, or cloud I see is God's nudge reminding me He's with me.  I can't ask for more than that.