Another Year Down

Another year has come and gone.  Man, it feels like these years go by faster and faster the older I get.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I love the New Year.  I love the idea of reflecting on the past year, thinking about lessons learned, things that went well and things that didn't, and making goals for the year to come.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  It's refreshing.

Overall, 2013 was a great year.  Sure, I had hard times and heartache, but it's all been for good.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I not only decided to get back into shape, but I stuck with it!  I signed up for a gym and a trainer, but gained so much more than muscle.  I learned how to eat better, how my body works, and workouts that will give me results.  More importantly, I gained a huge sense of accomplishment and realized that I am STRONG and can do so much more than I realize when I put my mind to it.  I gained a whole new sense of self, and now have the most positive self esteem I've had in my entire life.  It's a very welcome change to the way I used to view myself (think a lot of negative thoughts and comparison).

2.  I captained our frisbee team by myself this year, and we had a winning season!  It was the most fun I've had playing frisbee, and I made new friends along the way.  I also learned that I'm not a half-bad leader.

3.  I went overseas for the first time in my life.  It was such a scary step out of my comfort zone, but it was oh so good for me.  It was an incredible trip filled with new experiences, new friends (so many!!), uncertainty, new outlooks on the world, and lessons about me as a person.  I really struggled at certain points on the trip, mostly with feeling ineffective and wondering why I was there, but I learned so much about myself through that.  And now I have a special place in my heart for Africa - for its beauty and brokenness.  I saw and experienced so much brokenness and yet I feel like Africans are richer than we are in America.

4.  I had, yet another, relationship that ended.  Except this one was different.  I've really learned a lot from my relationship with Josh.  It's been almost a year since we first met and it's crazy to think about how I've changed because of him.  I don't know what 2014 holds for us (if anything), but I am so thankful that I know him and had the experiences I've had with him and his girls.  I've realized what I want in a relationship and I don't want to settle for anything less.  I've had glimpses of what it will be like to have a family and it's ignited an immense desire for a family of my own.  I've never had such a passion to be a wife or mother like I have now.  I've learned about myself as a partner in a relationship - ways I am strong and supportive, as well as things I do that I just need to not try to control on my own - and have had a glimpse at what a healthy relationship looks like.

5.  I've realized the importance of having deep, meaningful friendships.  I grew up as someone who was more of a "floater" and had a lot of acquaintances.  I've since been blessed with a lot of solid friendships, which have made me realize quality is far more valuable than quantity.  They've been a huge source of support this year and have helped me grow, laugh, cry, and smile.  We try to squeeze as much fun out of the stage of life we're in and it's been so much fun.  People tell me that I have a very fun life, and I tell them it's because I have such fun friends. :)

6.  Overall, I feel like I've really learned a lot about myself and who God has made me to be.  I've spent a lot of my life struggling with not liking who I am or even being unsure of who I really am.  I finally feel like I know who I am…and I finally like who I am.  Granted, there's still so much I can and want to work on, I've learned how to give myself grace, be okay with who I am, and trust God along this crazy path called life.

I don't really have many specific goals or resolutions for this new year.  I just want to continue on with what I learned and started in 2013 and see where God takes me.  I have little things here and there that I want to work on, but overall I'm just hopeful for what the new year will bring.

Bah Humbug

I was a Scrooge this Christmas.  I felt guilty for being in such a bad mood.  I mean, it's Christmas time - it's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" right?  It's a time to celebrate God sending his Son to be our Savior.  How can I not be joyful at a time meant for celebrating that?  

It didn't help that I caught a cold right before Christmas, so I wasn't feeling the greatest.  Nothing too horrible, but enough to be a nuisance.  On Christmas Eve, we always visit my dad's side of the family in northern Illinois.  This year, my dad was going to bring his fiancee (yes, that's right…I found out about this around late October/early November) and her 4 kids (plus one spouse).  I've had limited interactions with my dad's fiancee and had only met 2 of her 4 kids.  I'm not particularly close with my dad, and haven't really liked how he's handled the communication about his relationship and now wedding.  And by communication, I mean lack thereof.  Anyway, I wasn't feeling particularly social and wanting to do small talk with people I didn't know.  When they all showed up, my dad didn't introduce me to any of Shirley's kids.  The house was also super packed with close to 30 people, so it was kind of hard to make your way around to talk to people.  After a while, Shirley's daughter's husband introduced himself to my sister and I and did introductions with the rest of her kids.  The whole night just felt weird.  Lots has changed in my family (babies, weddings, etc.), which meant a lot  of family members don't come anymore and things feel different with the ones that are there.  And then add in this whole family of people I don't know.  To top my bad mood off, my dad didn't even get my sister or I anything for Christmas (actually not the first time that's happened), but yet was able to get his fiancee a huge rock for her finger.  Not that Christmas is all about the gifts, but that just didn't sit well with me.  

My dad's fiancee and her kids are nice people - I really don't have any problems with them as people.  I just have a problem with how my dad handles things.  He now has this new family that he's spending a ton of time with.  We had to remind my dad to include my sister and I in a family picture at Christmas - he was just going to do one of him and Shirley's family - to which he responded "oh…right".  After my parents got divorced, my dad turned into the kind of person who made promises he couldn't keep and someone who would cancel his time with us kids to go out on dates.  I've come to not trust my dad.  And frankly, I've shut down and hardened my heart towards a close relationship with him because I've been burned one too many times by him.  It's weird and kind of hurtful to see him now with his new family being the dad he never was to his "real" kids.  

On Christmas morning, I was hoping for a better mood.  Instead of staying at my mom and stepdad's Christmas eve night like we usually do, my sister and I stayed at my brother and sister-in-law's because they were going to host Christmas morning.  While it was fun to wake up to my little niece running around, it was weird not to wake up at home.  We had a yummy Christmas breakfast and then opened gifts.  Afterwards, I headed back to my mom's for Christmas with my stepfamily that afternoon.  At this point, my sour mood had returned and my cold was flaring up.  It didn't help that my stepfamily is super loud and somewhat obnoxious.  To top that off, we found out that my sister's boyfriend was going to propose to her that night.  I was excited for her, but I also felt this immediate pang of heartache thinking about my baby sister getting engaged, leaving me to literally be the only family member over the age of 18 not married (or in a serious relationship) on all 3 sides of my family.  

I suddenly realized I felt like I didn't fit in with my own family anymore.  Everyone has their own "other" life and I don't.  Christmas just made me feel sad.  I felt such a heartache at the ways my family has changed and evolved, while feeling like nothing has changed with me.  I feel stuck while everyone else has their own little families.  And what is hard is that I not only want it for myself so much, but I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what it feels like (or could feel like) with Josh and it hurts that I have to wait.  I went to the Nutcracker with Josh and the girls a couple of weeks ago, and it was so amazing.  It was a blast getting dressed up, going downtown with them, and watching them experience something I love so much for the first time.  I felt like my heart was going to burst with so much joy that afternoon.  The girls had a blast and were so excited and happy - it was just perfect.  I wish I could've bottled the day up so I could open it whenever I'm feeling down.  

I don't even feel the need to be married at this moment in life.  I know that isn't the end all, be all.  But I want to feel like I have that person (my lobster as Phoebe from Friends would say) and that I'm heading in the direction of starting a life and memories with someone.  Maybe I am with Josh…it's not totally out of the picture.  But in the meantime - in this strange stage of unknown - it's hard.  I can't get over how much of a heartache it gives me at times.  All the changes and all the uncertainty is hard to swallow at times.

I must say that I have been incredibly blessed to have such amazing girlfriends in my life, both near and far.  They are girls I can have fun with, scream at football with, but who are mostly in the same stage of life as me, so we lean on each other often.  It makes me feel a little less like something is wrong with me when they tell me they know how I'm feeling. ;)  I wouldn't be this sane without them.

I read this from a devotional almost a month ago and it's something I'm desperately trying to remember day to day.  I need to stop longing for the next season of my life to start and be thankful for the season I'm in, while resting in and waiting with the Lord.

"I was forever changed when I stopped looking to the next season to make my life better. I started looking to Jesus in my times of waiting, in my times of enduring, and in my times of just-getting-through. When I looked to Jesus, I realized that He would be with me in the Then but He was also with me in the Now. I didn’t need to get to a new season of life to know Him.

So, while you groan, while you wait with expectation, can you also look to Jesus and ask that He sit with you? We’re all waiting for something, and it’s a blessed thing to look straight in the face of Jesus and know that He’s waiting with us. Thank goodness."

All of my ambitions, hopes, and plans, I surrender these into Your hands

This weekend has been one of those weekends.  Nothing bad happened.  In fact, it was a great weekend because we celebrated Emily's 1st birthday yesterday.  However, the last few days have been ones where my insides literally ache for things I wish I had in my life.  A husband.  Kids.  A house of my own.  You know how it goes.

About a week ago, I went to a friend's housewarming party.  Josh was invited and was going to be there.  As always, I was excited to see him, but after our lunch date about a month prior, I wasn't really sure what to expect with how I'd feel when I saw him.  The party was fun and there was a good balance of Josh and I talking and us hanging out with other people.  But, I found it hard to not want to revert back to interacting with him the way I used to when we were dating.  It's hard not to flirt with him a little.  At the party, he was telling me about moving in a week and how much he hates packing.  I told him that I actually get a lot of joy out of packing a perfect box and to let me know if he wanted help packing.  

The following Wednesday, I asked him how his packing was going.  He said it was going really slowly and asked if I could help the next evening.  I went over on Thursday night, brought a pizza, and helped him pack, mostly with the girls' room.  It was such a fun night.  We got a lot done and worked well as a team.  At times, we would work in separate rooms and not talk a whole lot (which wasn't weird...I like when there isn't the pressure to always be talking) and other times we would work together packing a room up and talking the whole time.  I didn't feel like I needed him to tell me what needed to be done...I felt comfortable and just took charge of certain things that needed to be done.  I felt at home.  

After we finished packing, we sat and talked for almost 2 hours.  We talked about the girls, our families, work...things we usually talk about.  But, at one point in the conversation, he told me that the girls ask about me a lot.  That is such a bittersweet thing to hear.  It makes my heart so happy that the girls care about me so much that 3 months later, they're still asking about me.  But at the same time, it breaks my heart because I miss them so much.  I didn't ask what Josh tells them...I'm not sure I want to know.  Instead, I just expressed that I really miss them.  To that, Josh said that once they get settled in to their new apartment, we should get ice cream with the girls sometime.  I nodded in approval, but in my head I wasn't sure how I felt about that statement.  I would LOVE to see the girls again.  But what are they going to think?  I can just hear his youngest asking "Why don't we see you anymore?"  I have no idea what he's told them thus far...what would I say to a 5 year old asking that question?  Is it going to confuse them to see me again if Josh and I aren't together?  A big thing that scared Josh was how much the girls were involved in our relationship.  Why is he okay with this now?  If he goes through with inviting me to hang out with them, I will have to talk to him about all these questions and feelings first.  That's one thing we're both trying to be better about...saying something when something doesn't feel right or we're feeling uncertain.  

After that conversation, we just sat and looked at each other.  It was one of those moments where you could tell we both wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.  I wanted to say how much I miss him and still care about him.  Who knows what he was thinking.  It was straight out of My Best Friend's Wedding when there's a moment to say something, and then all of a sudden, the moment passes without anyone saying something.  Josh and I haven't talked about "us" since breaking up...I wasn't sure if bringing it up at that moment was the right thing to do.  I kind of want him to take the lead in that when/if he ever feels the need.  But part of me wishes I would've said something.  We had that problem in our relationship - I assumed he would say or do things when he felt ready, but he didn't.    Either way, ever since that moment, it's made me wonder if there could ever be the possibility of "us" again.  I know I said I can't sit and wait for him.  I'm not...in fact I have a first date this week with a guy a friend set me up with.  I'm not turning down the chance to meet other guys and pursue other possibilities.  But I just can't stop thinking about Josh and how I feel about him.  I seriously felt like we were married on Thursday when I was helping him pack.  At one point, I helped him fold some laundry and folded a pair of his boxers for goodness sakes (by accident...I thought they were a t-shirt when I picked them up :P)...but it wasn't weird.  It felt normal and like it was something we did all the time.  I feel like we're just so perfect for each other and it's so hard to not be able to do anything about it.  

Today at church I was reminded that no matter what my hopes and dreams are, I need to surrender them to God because He is in control and His way is best.  It's freeing and exciting to think that God could have an even better plan than what I could dream up, but it's SO hard to wait expectantly and patiently.  My heart aches when I think of how much I miss Josh's girls and family, and how much I care about Josh.  Only time will tell.  In the meantime, I'll just take things day by day and trust the Lord knows what He's doing. ;)

Keeping Busy

Yikes, life feels so crazy during the school year.  Working 10+ hour days, lifegroup, and now high school home group (I agreed to help lead a high school group in Waunakee this year) makes for some busy weeks.  My weekends are often filled with fun things with friends too.  Luckily I'm an extrovert and enjoy having things going on, as long as I have a day or two in the week to unwind.

Lots has happened on the boy front in the last month or so.  Josh and I have kept in touch through Facebook a bit since seeing each other in August.  It was really hard for me to not talk to him completely.  Last week, I sent him a link from something from church and he responded a few days later.  In his response, he asked me how I was and how school was going, and then told me he was running sound at church on Sunday and asked me to stop by.  Instead of just stopping by, I decided to ask if he wanted to grab lunch.  I didn't realize it until after I asked, but I realized I needed some clarity and closure from this lunch date.  It's been hard for me to feel like I could move on in the last few months because I "had this feeling" it wasn't over.  Whether or not that is true, I still need to move on with my life.  Anyway, we met up after church and went to Panera.  It was great to see him and to have a chance to catch up.  But, I did have some clarity.  In our conversation, we talked about how things were with his ex-wife and with the whole custody situation.  As he was talking, I realized nothing has changed.  Things with his ex-wife are the same...how he's feeling about it all are the same.  He's been divorced for 3 1/2 years...and he's still dealing with it.  How much longer will it go on?  Will he ever be ready for a relationship?  I realized I can't just sit and wait for him to be ready.  I know I said I wasn't going to just wait for him, but in my heart, I was.  I dreamed of him realizing how much life sucks without me and telling me he was wrong for breaking up with me.  But after seeing him last weekend, I realized that may never happen.  I can't hold out for something I hope will happen.  While it's sad to let go of, I realized it's something I need to do.  I will still miss him and I will always love him in some way, but I feel like this is something I need to do.

A couple of days before I saw Josh, I actually went out on a date with another guy.  About a week prior, a guy named Jeremiah messaged me because he saw me tagged in someone's pictures from the 80s run.  We messaged back and forth throughout the week and he asked me out for last Friday.  I met him at his place in Waunakee and we rode his motorcycle out to a trail in Lodi.  We hiked up the trail to eat a picnic and watch the sun set over Lake Wisconsin.  Afterwards, we drove back to his place and hung out around his fire pit.  Before I met him, I asked a few people who were friends with him on Facebook about him.  Most people had only met him once or twice, but let's just say he didn't get rave reviews.  Because of this, I wasn't super excited for our date.  But, we actually had a pretty nice time.  He doesn't show a lot of emotion initially and kind of comes off a little harsh, so I can see why people who don't know him well didn't have the best impression of him.  But once we both got comfortable, he opened up and softened up a bit.  We had enjoyable conversation and he made me laugh.  We've texted a little this week and are hanging out again on Thursday.  I had fun with him, but I'm not totally sure how I feel about him.  There are some things I still would like to know about him, like his faith, before I really know how I feel.  If anything, I felt encouraged on Friday.  It was encouraging to have fun with another guy and feel like I could move on from Josh.  It reassured me that life isn't over without Josh.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about life.  I love my friends and the fun times we have.  My job is demanding and tiring and hard this year, more than ever before, but day by day we make little gains.  Despite Josh not wanting to be with me, I'm feeling overall pretty good that a boy saw me in a ridiculous picture and liked what he saw, so much so that he felt the desire to pursue getting to know me.  Life will move on and God is with me every step of the way.  My life isn't what I thought it would be at almost 30 and there are so many things I ache to have in my life someday.  But, I was reminded this past week that every beautiful fall leaf, sunset, or cloud I see is God's nudge reminding me He's with me.  I can't ask for more than that.

Ulysses

I've been obsessed with Josh Garrels lately.  He came to Blackhawk back in April to open up for Jars of Clay as part of the Pulse Arts Conference.  I've been hooked ever since.

His music really resonates with me.  Aside from his musicality just being phenomenal, his lyrics have a way of hitting my heart right where it's at.  On the one album I have on my iPod, there are 5 straight songs that I could listen to on repeat.  They all have something in the lyrics that hit my heart in different ways.

One of those songs is called Ulysses.  The lyrics in this song really speak to how I've been feeling about Josh lately.  In my last post, I said that I overall have felt pretty good about how things ended between us.  To be completely honest, I haven't felt as sure about it the last couple of weeks.  I've been a wreck at times.  I can't even count on my fingers how many times I've shed tears while driving in my car, usually listening to Josh Garrels songs.  I've cried myself to sleep a couple of times.  I even found myself crying at the end of Cast Away tonight.  I never cry at movies.  Ever.

Don't worry, I'm not walking around moping all day.  But I will say that the smile you see on my face isn't always real.  I am usually pretty good at putting on a strong front when I'm around people. But by myself, it all comes out, lately in the form of tears.

I have some amazing women in my life who all have been stellar friends during this time.  They have taken time to get together with me one-on-one, kept me busy with fun things, and sent me gifts that make me laugh.  I am incredibly thankful for all of them, even if they aren't physically near me.  I deeply appreciate their support.  But to be honest, it doesn't bring Josh back.  There's still a hole in my heart that girlfriends or gifts can't fill.  A hole that is so incredibly gaping and obvious as I attend weddings, hear of more friends engaged, or see pictures of people having the time of their lives with a spouse and/or children.  I have a great time with my friends when I'm with them.  But I have never experienced so much happiness and fulfillment outside of being with Josh.  It felt different than any happiness I've had before, and I would do anything to have it back.

So, that's where I'm at.  I miss Josh more than I can explain.  I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions ranging from sadness to frustration to confusion.  Sad that I can't see or talk to him (or the girls) regularly.  Frustrated that I can't have my turn to experience what I long for so much.  Confused as to why it's happening this way.  And I don't really know what to do with that.

Sorry for being a bit of a downer.  But I want to be real with where I'm at.  I'm honestly not sitting around expecting Josh to come running back to me.  I know there's a big chance I have to move on with my life.  But that's going to take some time...and some desperate prayers to God to work in my heart.  I've prayed at times more fervently than ever before, desperate for God to heal my heart.  Feeling like this sucks and I know He's the only one that can do anything about it.  It doesn't feel like anything is working yet, but I have to keep praying.  Begging that if I'm not supposed to be with Josh someday, He would take these feelings away and help me move on.  And if Josh and I are supposed to be together again someday, I pray that I would find peace in the meantime.  No matter, I have to constantly remind myself that this all isn't happening because God doesn't love me.  It doesn't feel a whole lot like love right now, but I'm sure it will someday, somehow.

"Ulysses" by Josh Garrels

I’m holding on to hope that one day this could be made right. 
I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights. 
Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night 
But oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light. 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 
Until, I find, my love 

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown 
Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones 
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home 
Carry me with the, memories of the, beauty I have known 

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long 
By the light of moon I will press on 

So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home 
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone 
I want to hold, her in, my arms

Taking a Break from the Kenya Posts

So I kinda dropped the ball on my Kenya posts!  I promise I'll come back to finish up the rest of my trip.  Today I'm going to take a break with posting about Kenya.

A little over 2 weeks ago, Josh and I broke up.  I sort of sensed it coming because he seemed to pull away ever since I got back from Kenya.  His custody trial was the week after I got back (Thursday and Friday), so I just assumed he was stressed about that.  

The week of his custody trial came and went, and I didn't see him that entire week.  We talked on the phone a couple of times, but most of our communication was through a few texts throughout the week. I knew he was stressed, but something just didn't feel right.  I was trying to be supportive without smothering, but he wasn't really letting me in.  I wanted to respect the space I thought he was showing me he needed, but I was sad that he didn't want to let me comfort him.  Finally on Sunday, after not seeing him for a week and after his custody stuff was settled, I asked if I could see him.  He told me to come over in the evening because he wanted to spend the afternoon processing everything that had happened.  

On my way over to his house, I had this weird feeling that this was going to be it.  Something just didn't feel right...he wasn't the same Josh I had known for the past 4 months.  When I got there and he didn't hug me, I knew my gut feeling was right.  Despite that, he mixed us up some cocktails and we sat out on his porch for about 2 hours, just having normal conversation.  We made our way inside due to the bugs and that's when he finally brought up how he was feeling.  It basically came down to us being on different levels of emotion and commitment to the relationship.  That was something I knew and expected when I went into the relationship, figuring if he hadn't dated since being divorced, he probably wasn't going to jump into things quickly.  Because of this, I let him take the lead with various steps of our relationship - involving the girls, meeting and getting involved with family, etc.  He took all of those steps, and took them relatively early, so I allowed myself to open up my heart.  Those steps implied that he was feeling confident in our relationship and where it was headed, and therefore wanted to invest our time with those closest to him.  After our breakup, I found out he didn't have the feelings behind what those steps implied.  It really hurt to hear that.

Because I am someone who takes time to process things and because I felt a little blindsided, I didn't have very many coherent thoughts the night we broke up.  So I processed through how I was feeling and sent him an email the next night.  I wanted him to understand what the steps he took in our relationship told me and what they did to my heart.  He responded saying he was going to take some time to hear what I was saying and respond thoughtfully.  After a few days and no response from him, we both decided talking face to face was going to be much easier.  

About a week after we broke up, we got together to talk face to face.  I was hurt, but I wanted him to have a chance to explain himself more before I got too upset.  Our talk was so good.  He walked me through the thought processes he had when making decisions in our relationship (like how much to involve the kids) and why he decided what he did.  I learned that he is still operating in a mindset from when he was in an unhealthy marriage.  He thought I would've been upset if the girls weren't a part of our relationship and thought that's what I expected.  When he started feeling unsure and uneasy about how quickly our relationship was progressing, he got scared to say something because he's used to hard conversations turning into yelling and fighting.  In reality, we were on the same page the entire time but just didn't know it.  I told him repeatedly that I wished he had just said something.  I told him that I never expected the girls (or our families) to be a part of our relationship right away and was looking to him to decide when he was ready.  There were so many "should'ves" in our conversation and I said multiple times that I wish we had a redo button.  We simply did not communicate well - he out of fear and me out of wanting to give him space and not seem pushy.  Had we just had this conversation earlier in our relationship, things would've gone so much differently.  But it didn't and there's probably a good reason for it.

By the end of our talk, we felt a huge sense of relief and peace.  Both of us went into our talk feeling anxious but once we talked things through and understood each other better, we felt much better.  I realized through our talk that he has so much healing he needs to do still.  He still operates out of fear and insecurities, and he needs time to sort through all that and figure out who he is apart from his ex-wife.  As hard as it is to lose him, I know this is what he needs and I felt so much peace about just letting him go.  We could certainly feel God's presence in our conversation that night and we felt very comforted by Him.  We knew this was the right thing for now.  We ended our talk by holding hands and praying for each other.  I told him he needs space right now and he needs to decide what that looks like.  

Overall, I have continued to feel a huge peace about how things ended between Josh and I.  I know this is the right thing for the time being.  But I also have this weird sense that this isn't it between us.  Throughout our relationship, I felt like things were just so right between us.  I couldn't really explain it, but it just felt so perfect.  When it ended, I was devastated that he didn't feel the same way.  But after we talked, I was reminded that it wasn't something about me that caused the break up, it was the brokenness and hurt that Josh still has in his heart and mind.  He told me how much he cares about me...it was nice to hear that from him.  So when we ended our talk, I just had this sense that God was telling me, "let him go...this isn't the end."  I don't know how much weight to put into gut feelings though, so I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Josh to be ready.  It very well may be that my gut feeling is wrong and we may need to move on.  So in the time being, I'm going to go on with my life.  If another guy that I'm interested in comes along, I'll pursue that.  If Josh comes back, great.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep praying that God would work in my heart and mold it to whatever He has planned.

Despite my huge sense of peace, I've still had my hard days.  The first of those came last Sunday.  Pastor Chris did a sermon on Psalm 23 as a part of our summer Praying the Psalms series.  By the end of the sermon and into the closing worship, I was in tears.  It's a psalm that verbalizes what I've trusted in and believed in all week, thus giving me the confidence that this is the right thing.  But for some reason, it was hard that day.  I think some of it was mourning the loss of what Josh and I had, especially after feeling the lack of Josh's presence at various times over the weekend.  I think some of it was also the realization that even though God is with me through it all, it's not always going to be easy or feel good.  Being a Christ-follower sometimes means loss - and that hurts.  I think I had to mourn that.  I don't want the loss right now.  It hurts to lose someone you love.  (Yes, I said it...I love Josh.  I was always afraid to say it out loud, but I've known it for a while.)  But, I also realized that day that I have a choice to make.  I can choose to continue to mourn and let my heart grow bitter because of the loss, or I can choose to believe Psalm 23 is truth.  The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He guides me along the right paths.  His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.  I choose to believe this is a part of God's bigger and better plan.  It seems like what I had - what Josh and I had - was so right and so perfect.  But it turns out God has something more right and more perfect.  That's hard to comprehend.  But I can't wait to see what that is.  In the meantime, "He refreshes my soul."

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Kenya -- Day 5

Tuesday 6/25 - Loitoktok Medical Camp
After a couple of hours of "sleep" (between someone chopping wood until the wee hours of the night and sleeping on the floor, we didn't get much solid sleep), we woke up bright and early to catch a glimpse of Mt. Kilimanjaro's peak.  Since June is the beginning of winter in Kenya, it was overcast just about everyday.  However, at dawn or right before dusk, the clouds would often break.  Getting up at the crack of dawn proved to be worth it once we made our way across the street to get a good view of the mountain.  We all stood in awe of God and His creation as we watched the sun rise and cast shadows on the peak.  Pictures don't do it justice.

We returned to the camp to grab a breakfast of eggs, toast, and tea before the craziness of the day.  Even before the start of the medical camp at 8:00 am, people started to show up and wait.  This was the first medical camp Beacon of Hope had done in Loitoktok, so we didn't really know how many people to expect.  The night before, we had delegated roles for everyone and I was made a "runner".  My job was to take the patients from the doctor/clinic area and to walk them to their next location - HIV testing, cervical cancer testing, or pharmacy.  The set-up of this medical camp wasn't ideal because the location of the pharmacy was a long walk across an open area of dirt.  At first, I didn't really feel like my job was super important, but after walking about a dozen patients all the way to the pharmacy in the first hour or less, I quickly realized how long this day was going to be.  As soon as I would return from walking one patient over, a doctor would have another patient ready to go.  Because the patients were mostly Maasai people, most didn't speak English or even Swahili.  The doctors and nurses used local translators, but I wasn't able to speak to the patients I walked with.  They often walked out of the clinic looking confused and lost, which required me to speak directly to the doctor or refer to their paperwork to know where to take them.  

Because I couldn't talk to the patients, I often didn't know their stories.  However, the doctors learned the most about these people and what brought them to the clinic.  We quickly learned that many of the people that visited us had never seen a doctor before.  There is a hospital in the general area, but so many of these people's mode of transportation is by foot, making medical care very inaccessible.  In addition, many of the Maasai people are farmers, and therefore can't afford medical care even if they had access to it.  The doctors shared many cool stories with us afterwards, but I'll just share a couple.

One Maasai man came missing a leg, hobbling in on a homemade crutch and walking stick, and wearing the traditional Maasai dress.  One of our American doctors, Todd, saw him and told us that many years ago, he was attacked by a lion.  The initial attack left him wounded, but he still had his leg.  A few years later, he was attacked by a lion again, in which he lost almost his entire leg.  He was able to get around using his homemade crutch, but his leg stub rubbed the crutch every time he took a step, causing a large open sore.  Todd was able to treat the open wound, and got him in touch with someone who could provide him with a covering for his stub so it wouldn't continue getting injured with each step he took.  I can't even imagine how much this little treatment changed this man's life.  We actually had a few men come in claiming they had been attacked by lions, which makes sense when you realize they live in the Serengeti.  We also learned that a traditional Maasai rite of passage is to catch a lion, which I imagine would result in a lot of injuries.  Talk about cultures being worlds apart.

Another man brought in a young child, around 4 or 5 years old.  The man said the boy had never been able to walk.  Our doctors were able to determine that the child had Cerebral Palsy, explain to the man what that meant, and got him in touch with the local hospital to get the boy braces for his legs.  So cool.

Discussing with a translator trying to figure out what this patient needs

Befriending a little boy who was waiting for his father to finish with a doctor

Walking a Maasai woman the lengthy walk to the pharmacy

There was a consistent long line all day and people waited for hours.  All I could think about was how quickly Americans would complain or give up if heaven forbid we ever have to wait a fraction of how long these people voluntarily waited.

My fellow runner partner, Mick!

Maasai beauty

I feel like this is straight out of National Geographic!

Kenya -- Days 3 & 4

Sunday 6/23
For church on Sunday, we went to Nairobi Chapel - Rongai.  Nairobi Chapel is a church similar to Blackhawk in that it has many venues around the Nairobi area.  The Rongai campus reminded us a lot of Blackhawk - Fitchburg (or so I was told...I haven't been to the Fitchburg venue yet).  The atmosphere felt very similar to church in the States, but once the music started, it suddenly felt completely different!  The music they played was upbeat, some of it was in English and some in Swahili, and just about every song included dancing!  Not only did the Kenyans do their own little dances to the music, but the worship leaders led the whole congregation in various dance moves!  With this only being our 2nd full day in Kenya, I was feeling pretty out of my comfort zone.  I loved watching everyone during worship though.  There was so much joy and praise in the room - enough to blanket the entire city.  Everyone was just so joyful and so in love with the Lord.  It was hard not to smile.  After church, Nairobi Chapel had a newcomers tea.  We went outside to a tent set up next to the church and were served tea and mandazis.  Since Kenya was colonized by the British, there are still many British influences in the culture, and tea is one of them.  The Kenyans have tea and mandazis every day around 10:00 am (and also sometimes in the afternoon).  The tea is a chai-type of tea mixed with milk and offered with sugar on the side.  It wasn't as good as a chai you might get at Starbucks or something, but it wasn't bad.  At the newcomers tea, some of the worship team sat and had tea with us.  At our table, we talked to Linstrom, one of the vocalists and "emcees" of the service.  (Kenyan church services have "emcees" that talk about announcements, things happening in the church, and lead the congregation in a "question of the day" where everyone discusses a topic related to the sermon or something happening in the church).  Linstrom works full-time as a tax guy and loved asking us about what life is like in Wisconsin.  He couldn't quite fathom the thought of snowy and cold winters.  ;)  This was my first experience really talking to and getting to know one of the locals.  It was awesome to hear what his life is like in Kenya, and note the similarities and differences.  We all talked about how cool it would be for our churches to do some sort of exchange program, where we could go to Kenya and work with Nairobi Chapel, and they could come to Wisconsin and work with Blackhawk.  If anything, Linstrom would love to visit the States, so Kristin and I exchanged email addresses with him and have since connected with him on Facebook.

After church, we went to Ken and Jane Wathome's house for lunch.  Jane Wathome is the founder of Beacon of Hope and is an incredible woman.  She has such a heart for the people of her country and is doing so many things to spread the love of Jesus to the sick and poor in many parts of Kenya.  Ken and Jane have a beautiful house with an incredible patio/backyard.  I've never seen such a beautifully manicured lawn and landscaping!  We ate a ton of amazing food, connected to wifi for the first time since landing in Kenya, and enjoyed a relaxing afternoon of fellowship with her family.  It was the afternoon we had all been needing.

Ken and Jane Wathome's house

Our team enjoying an amazing lunch in the backyard of the Wathomes'

Later on Sunday, a few of us visited the Karen Blixen museum.  I have yet to see it, but the movie Out of Africa was about Karen Blixen.  She was an influential woman to the Kenya in the early 20th century and helped many people in her community.  She lived not far from where we were staying in the town of Karen (named after her), so her house was made into a museum.  It was interesting to hear about her life.  The team is planning an Out of Africa viewing party sometime this summer for those of us who haven't seen it. :)

Us at the Karen Blixen museum

Karen Blixen museum

Monday 6/24
In the morning, we went to Beacon of Hope for their daily devotional time.  All of the Beacon staff (except the teachers) gather every morning for worship and teaching.  The worship time was simple - one man, David, leading the singing, and everyone's voices.  Now, we have some very talented musicians at Blackhawk and even on our team, but let me tell ya, Kenyans can sing!  Their harmonies are unmatchable.  It was so cool to just listen to their voices sing praises in Swahili.  After learning a few Swahili songs, we heard a devotional from Beacon's chaplain.

After devotions and tea time, we started loading things up to begin the long drive to our first medical camp location, Loitoktok ("Loy-tock-tock").  Loitoktok is a small rural community located near the Kenya-Tanzania border, near the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro, and part of the Masai Mara (the Kenyan side of the Serengeti).  The Masai Mara is home to the Maasai tribe.  As we drove through the Masai Mara, it felt like we had stepped back into time.  The land was wide open in every direction with hardly any sign of civilization.  Every now and then, we would see small huts with Maasai people tending to cattle or walking with large walking sticks.  Many of them still wear the traditional Maasai tribal dress, which consists of bright red and blue fabric worn as shawls or skirts.  All of them stretch out their earlobes and have circles branded on their cheeks.  The women wear a ton of brightly colored jewelry on their ears and heads.

Woman in traditional Maasai dress that visited our medical camp

One thing we learned pretty quickly is that the Kenyans' view of time is very different than Americans. We are so used to sticking to a schedule, not being late, and being efficient so that we can get as much done in a certain amount of time as possible.  That's not how the Kenyans work.  Time is usually a general guideline, and we quickly learned not to really trust the amount of time we were told by a Kenyan.  Our drive to Loitoktok was one of our first lessons in this.  We were told that it would be a 3 hour drive, 4 at the most.  5 1/2 hours later, we finally made it to the church where the medical camp was going to be.  Mealtimes are another example of how time is not of as much importance.  While we are very used to lunch or dinner being at a certain time, we never really knew when our next mealtime would be.  When we got to Loitoktok, it was "dinnertime" according to our American internal clocks; however there was a lot of work to be done before we could think about food.  We met the church pastor that was hosting us and his family, and started setting things up for the medical camp.  Of course, a big group of "Mzungus" (white people) rolling into a tiny community like Loitoktok would attract some attention.  Some of the neighborhood children noticed us and quickly started hanging around our site.  A few of us tried to talk to them, but most of them didn't know much English.  Either way, they were freaking adorable and we did our best to play and interact with them.  Afterwards, we ate dinner and had a worship/devotional time with our team, the Beacon of Hope team, and the local church's team.  It included a lot of dancing and laughing.  Shortly after, all the women set up sleeping bags in the "youth room", the men set up in the church, and we attempted to get a few hours of sleep before a long medical camp day.

Colleen and I with some of the local children!

My favorite local Loitoktok child.  Her name was Wongatti (sp?) and followed me around everywhere. :)

Setting up the camp inside the church.  We hung sheets to make "cubicles" for each of the doctors to have their own space to see patients.

Kenya -- Days 1 & 2

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Kenya!  I still can't believe I did something like this.  I usually am afraid to go out of my comfort zone, and this trip certainly did that!  I'm so glad I did though.  It was quite the experience.  We did so much on our trip, so I'm going to break the trip down and summarize a day or two at a time.

I went with a team of 17 people from Blackhawk, ranging in age from 19 to mid-50s, and consisting of mostly doctors/nurses and teachers/educators.  Once in Kenya, we met up with 3 other men who joined our team for the week.

Friday 6/21
After a long trip (16 hours in a plane), we made it to Kenya late on Friday night (Kenya time).  We picked up some necessities and headed straight to the guest house for bed.  We stayed at Kijiji (pronounced "ka-jee-jee") Guest House in Karen, a suburb of Nairobi.  Kijiji (or "the Jeej" as we started calling it halfway through the trip) consisted of 2 large, round buildings with many 2 or 3-person bedrooms, and one cottage big enough for 4 people.  I stayed in the cottage with Colleen (whom I shared a bedroom with), Julie, and Tara.  We eventually deemed our cottage "The Ladies Lounge" because we were the only ones with a living room area and kitchen.  The accommodations were pretty nice for Kenya.  The bathrooms/showers were similar to nicer camping bathrooms in the States.  We slept in beds like you would find at a summer camp.  I slept pretty hard every night I was there, so they must not have been that bad. ;)

Outside view of our "Ladies Lounge" cottage at Kijiji

Saturday 6/22
Saturday morning, we woke up bright and early, and grabbed breakfast at the Kijiji cafeteria.  One of my biggest worries was the food, but we actually ate a lot of things you would eat in the States.  Breakfast usually consisted of eggs, toast, and sausage (although the sausage was very different than ours...rumor has it that it could've been chicken or even warthog!).  Some days we even had french toast.  After breakfast, we drove to Beacon of Hope, the organization our church partners with and that we were working with for the week.  BOH helps women with or affected by AIDS, in addition to running a clinic for AIDS testing, treatment, and education, and a primary school for ages 3-8.  BOH teaches women with or affected by AIDS various skills to help them provide for their family.  Women there can learn weaving, sewing, beadwork, or cooking.  The products they make are then sold and the profits go to the women.  BOH is growing quickly, so when we went on Saturday morning for a tour, we were able to see the new buildings in the process of being built.  They are building a youth center, where teens can spend time and take classes on music, art, cooking, etc., a guest house for groups like us to come and stay, a large group gathering room for large group meetings and morning devotions, and a new school building to house more grades than the school has now.  It was so cool to see all they are doing for the community.  After the tour, the teachers on our team met with the teachers of BOH Academy to discuss our plans for the 2 days we were going to spend with them.  They had given us a list of things they wanted our help with and for us to bring, so we had to narrow down what we would have time to accomplish.

Afterwards, we grabbed a quick lunch at a coffee shop (similar to Panera), and headed to another organization our church is involved with called Care of Creation.  COC teaches local farmers good farming practices in order to help preserve the land.  There is a lot of deforestation happening in parts of Kenya due to people mainly relying on fire as a heating source for cooking.  Farmers also don't use the land wisely when they farm, so COC is helping them farm in order to prevent erosion and to use space wisely.  We were served tea and mandazis (like a donut) upon arrival, heard all about what COC is doing, and then saw some of their garden plots, demonstrating the farming practices they teach.

That night, we got dinner at Kijiji and had a laid-back evening.  A few people came over to our cottage to hang out and then went to bed.

The main building at Beacon of Hope

Beacon of Hope Academy

Life has been pretty busy lately, so I haven't been very good about blogging.  Now that school is out and I won't be working this summer, hopefully I will be better at keeping you guys updated.

Things with Josh are going wonderfully.  He is an amazing man.  The amount of communication and openness in our relationship has been much more than I'm used to, but I love and appreciate it.  Josh is going through a tough custody battle right now and has been put through the ringer in attempts to keep his kids and get more time with them.  I feel so badly for all that he's been and is going through.  This has definitely made our relationship go to a different level right away.  Although there's not much I can physically do to help him, it has caused me to think about how I can be supportive of him and help him through this time.  It has definitely made me stop and think, "Wow, I'm really an adult now."  I've never experienced divorce from this side of things, and I don't have any experience with the court system.  I'm definitely learning a lot.  It really sucks and I'm praying for a positive outcome when it's all said and done in July.

One thing that I'm learning about myself through my relationship with Josh is that I have a lot of fears.  I've been in some not-so-healthy relationships in the past, which contribute to these fears.  Recently, I've been finding myself having slight freak-out moments where I start to worry that Josh is pulling away or that he will say he's not interested in me anymore.  In my past relationships, the guys have always been the ones to end things between us, oftentimes out of nowhere.  Even in my longest relationship of over a year where I thought I was going to marry the guy, he ended things.  I am absolutely terrified of that happening with Josh.  I care about Josh a lot and can without a doubt see a future with him.  He is so much of what I want and need in a partner, and then some.  I'm terrified of losing that.  If Josh is stressed and seems a little more distant (I still can't figure out if it's just me thinking he's being distant or if he really is), I start to worry.  I've experienced these slight freak-outs in past relationships, but this time it's causing me to think about how I can curb them before they fester.  I'm trying to use them as an opportunity to just pray and lay it all at God's feet.  He ultimately has my future in His hands, and whether Josh is in it or not, He knows what's best for me.  This is hard for me to believe at times, but I've definitely seen how God's plan is always the best, which is a good reminder.  Josh has also gone through a lot of heartache with his divorce and we talked the other day about some of the fears he has with getting married again someday.  I'm hoping we can lean on each other to help us through the fears we both have, rather than letting them bother us.

In other news, I'm going to Kenya in a week!!  I will definitely write some posts about my trip when I get back!

Blown Away by Grace

It turns out patience pays off.  In my last post, I wrote about how I was trying to be patient with things with Josh.  A few days after I wrote that post, Josh and I went out on another date.  At the end of the date, I went to his place to hang out and we ended up having the "DTR" talk.  More on that in a minute.

Rewind a few days.  I had gone to the zoo with him and his girls about a week before and that outing left me very confused about what we were.  We had gone out a couple of times but he hadn't shown any outward interest, and then all of a sudden I was meeting his kids.  Well, it turns out that day was a "test" - a test to see how I fit in and how the girls acted around me and thought of me.  It could not have gone better.  The day felt fun and comfortable and he told me his girls (especially his youngest who is pretty shy around new people) were completely themselves around me.  It was also a pivotal day for me as well, which I didn't realize until afterwards.  Meeting his kids that he talked about so much and seeing him in "dad" mode calmed a lot of my fears and hesitations.  He's a great dad and I can see a lot of his amazing character when he's with his kids.  The fact that the day felt so comfortable and fun also made me realize that I want a family and am ready for a family...and I need to break down any expectations of how that might play out.

Okay...fast forward to the DTR date.  Josh told me that he invited me to meet his kids because they are his life and if he's with someone, it's important that she fit who they are as a family and that his kids are comfortable with her.  He said he saw a side of his youngest daughter at the zoo that only comes out when she's with family (never with people she doesn't know) and then on the drive home, she asked when I was coming back.  He said that day was so important for him and it confirmed that he wants to pursue a relationship with me.  I told him all about how I was hesitant at first about the fact that he has kids but how those fears were calmed after I met them at the zoo.  We talked into the wee hours of the morning (on a school night...oops!) and it was like a wall just crumbled between us.  As soon as we brought it all out in the open, there was no question anymore of how we each felt.

The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of late nights, hours of getting to know each other on a deeper level, and fun times with friends, family, and the girls.  It has been the best 3 weeks and things only keep getting better the more we get to know each other and the more the girls and I get to know each other.  I never want time with him to end.

In the last week or so, we've had the difficult but good talk about everything that happened in his divorce, struggles he's had in the past, and struggles I've had in the past.  If I hadn't already thought things just felt right between us, I certainly did after that conversation.  I'm just continually blown away at God's grace and perfect timing in each of our lives.  We would not have been good for each other even a year ago.  And not only that, but it is amazing how God is using things we've each struggled with to bring us closer to each other and relate to each other.  Darkness in my past is now turning out to be something God is using to bring life to our relationship.  I have no words for how amazed I am at how God works.

For so long, I didn't believe that there were any decent men out there that met my expectations and I didn't trust that God could provide the kind of man I truly longed for.  I kept hearing people tell me to be patient, that patience pays off in the end, and that God will provide in the way He sees is good for me and that it will be better than anything I can imagine.  Every time I heard something like that, I just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, I know."  I never really believed it to be true...until now.

A Lesson in Patience and Trust

As most of you know, I met a guy through a friend from church about 2 months ago.  We've been going out on casual dates and have spent a lot of time getting to know each other.  Here's a little backstory to refresh your memory...

In January, I got a phone call from my friend Rachel who told me she wanted to set me up with her friend Josh.  When I hear that phrase, I immediately think "no way", which is weird because people have never actually gone through with the set-ups, so I don't have any bad experiences to cause me to say no.  Anyway, to be polite, I said I was willing to meet him.  I then asked her to tell me about him.  She said he's 34, a graphic designer, runs the sound board at church (all sounded good so far...)...and he is divorced with 2 kids.  I already wasn't super thrilled with the idea, but now I find out he has kids??  No way...I'm not there in my life yet...not doing it.  I want kids someday, but the thought of dating a guy that already had kids was weird to me, and for some reason caused me to shut out the idea of anything working out.  Rachel is also divorced with a kid, so I didn't express my slight freak-out to her out loud, and again to be polite, I said sure.  A couple of days later, Rachel called me back and said that instead of setting up a blind date, she was going to invite both of us to her birthday party to meet in a more casual environment.  I felt much better about that idea, but still wasn't expecting anything.

I went to the birthday party, and after many attempts at introducing us (Rachel said she wasn't going to tell Josh she was wanting to set us up), we finally met.  He was cute and seemed really...normal.  We ended up sitting on the couch and talking for about 2 hours.  I walked away from the party feeling a little ashamed that I had shut him out in my mind when Rachel first told me about him.  This guy actually seemed pretty great...who was I to judge him based on his circumstances?  I decided that I needed to get to know him and his story before making any conclusions.

Since February, we've gone out on a couple of dates, gone to church, and have spent many hours chatting on the phone and Facebook.  The more I learn about Josh, the more I feel badly for the way I reacted when Rachel told me about him.  I realized that I don't feel as old as I am, and that I need to grow up and realize I'm an adult and this is real life.  Now that I'm closing in on my 30s, I've realized we all have a past and baggage from that past, but that doesn't necessarily define who we are now.  While I still don't know the whole story of his divorce, I've learned bits and pieces of what happened and have spent some time getting to know his character.  I've realized that divorce doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with someone, and coming from a divorced family I've actually been able to relate to him in that area.  I get it.  He's someone who has learned from his past, can see the good God brings out of the darkness, and has strived to be the best dad to his kids.  Something that I immediately thought was a flaw has now become something that makes me respect him all the more.

Because of his past and the fact that he has kids, Josh has taken things very slowly.  I often jumped into relationships with guys that I knew were wrong for me, and were ultimately guys that liked to jump into things quickly.  I learned to like that because it meant there wasn't really a question of whether they liked me.  I also have realized that I like to try to take control of situations in order to ensure things happen.  In past relationships, if I hadn't heard from the guy in the amount of time acceptable to me, I would find excuses to send texts, messages, or phone calls to make sure he hadn't forgotten about me.  I jumped in wholeheartedly with these guys because I feared they wouldn't like me otherwise.  I handled relationships horribly and it's no wonder I found my heart bruised and broken.

Things with Josh have been on a completely different level.  Because kids are involved, he has taken things pretty slowly...a lot slower than I'm used to.  While that has been hard at times, I'm learning a good lesson in patience.  And I'm actually finding it quite refreshing to take it at a slower pace.  I'm getting to know Josh really well, and that is driving my decision for whether I am interested in him or not, rather than just physical attraction being the driving force.  I am attracted to him, but a physical relationship isn't the foundation.  In the past, I was afraid to let things happen in God's timing.  I felt like I had to take control for things to happen.  I'm not completely sitting back and expecting everything to happen to me, but I'm not trying to force things to move quicker.  I respect that Josh is taking things slowly.  I still find myself dreaming about what could be, but being patient makes all the little things Josh does to initiate all that much more exciting.  Rather than worrying about if he's interested in me despite not holding my hand or calling me all the time, I'm enjoying the times we have together and trusting that God's timing and plan are perfect.  :)

Stronger

One thing I wanted to get back into this year was working out on a regular basis.  It's one of those things that I know I should be doing, but have never really been super excited about it.  I feel a little lost when I walk into a gym and end up just hopping on a bike or elliptical and going until the "calories burned" is an acceptable amount.  And then I go home and undo it all by eating M&Ms.  :P

So, at the end of January, I joined one of the local gyms in Waunakee.  As part of signing up, each new member gets a complimentary training session with one of the personal trainers.  I signed up for my session and thought nothing more of it.

I showed up to my training session not really knowing what to expect.  I met the trainer, Michael, who was nothing like Bob or Jillian on The Biggest Loser.  The workout was really hard and the entire time, I kept thinking I hated every minute of it.  Afterwards (well, the next day), I met with the "head trainer" and we talked through why I joined the gym, what goals I have for myself, and the reality of achieving those goals based on my current lifestyle.  It was very informative.  I never really thought I had a horribly unhealthy lifestyle (I didn't), but I quickly learned there were a couple things I could change to make a big difference (eating a bigger breakfast, eating little snacks more often to keep my metabolism going, etc.).  When it came to the part where I had to decide if I wanted to sign up for personal training, I had a hard time deciding (if you know me at all, you know this isn't a surprise :P).  It was expensive and I hated the workout the day before, but something inside of me liked the idea of investing in myself and the thought of someone helping me attain my goals that I felt like were not realistic on my own.  In the end, I decided to go for it.  I've never really invested in myself before...29 seemed like a good year to start. :)

I've been working with my trainer for a month now.  In the beginning, he had me run a mile, do sit ups for a minute, and do push ups for a minute.  Now that it's been a month, we did it again to see how far I've come.  I expected a little improvement, but I didn't expect the results I got.  I ran the mile almost a minute and a half faster (11:40 to 10:19), did 7 more sit ups, and did 15 more push ups.  And, I lost 4 lbs (1 lb/week which is what we're shooting for), which we discovered after measuring body fat percentage, was all fat.

I don't have a lot of weight to lose, but one of my goals was to "tone up", which in reality is losing weight.  While that goal is being worked on, I'm learning a lot more about myself through this.  At church, Pastor Chris talked about how effort put forth = results gained.  Little effort (in this case, he was referring to reading the Bible) results in little change.  Especially when life gets hard or busy, I put in little effort into things.  I kind of shut down and do the minimum to get by because it's tiring to think of doing more.  But, this program at my gym meant that I not only was going to have to work out regularly, I was going to have to make changes to my diet and schedule...and someone was going to hold me accountable.  I've learned that I can actually do it...and it's not that hard!  The thought of getting up 30 minutes earlier to actually cook and eat breakfast, versus just eating a granola bar in the car, was a horrendous thought...until I did it.  Getting up earlier and actually eating a good breakfast gives me so much more energy during the day, therefore making it easier to do each day!

Probably the biggest thing for me has been my perception of myself through all of this.  I remember blogging about this a few years ago (read here), but I've never considered myself athletic.  I've let other people tell me things that are ultimately untrue, but I've believed them and as a result, haven't ever let myself take the risk of trying to change that.  I believed these lies way back in middle school, which led me to never join a sport in high school, and to see myself as a sub-par frisbee player.  Early last fall, a few of us biked to New Glarus (about 20 miles one way) for a friend's birthday.  I love biking and was told the pace would be "no one left behind", so I thought I'd be able to survive it.  Well, 10 miles in, I found myself left behind by my friends.  When they took a break and I finally caught up, they'd take off again, leaving me in the dust.  I somehow made it to New Glarus, but I felt horrible.  Not only did my knees hurt more than they've ever hurt before, but my confidence was shaken and I felt horrible about myself.  It brought up so many feelings and thoughts I had grown up telling myself were true.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry.  But this training program has done wonders for my mind and confidence.  Having someone tell you regularly that you're "rocking" all of the exercises given to you (which is partially his job, but I've seen him train other people, and he doesn't tell them that all the time) is encouraging.  I've even had people at the gym watch me while I'm training with Michael and they've said things like "Oh my gosh, if I tried that, I'd fall flat on my face!" or (from another trainer) "That's hardcore, man!"  They're talking about me!  I've never impressed anyone with something I can do...ever.  I've always felt like I was always a step behind other people...not fast enough, not strong enough, etc.  And now that I'm able to compare how I did exercises a month ago (more like struggle through them) to how I can do them now and feel strong when I do them, it only boosts my confidence more.  This seriously is probably one of the best things I could've done for myself...and I'm never looking back.

For the first time in my entire 29 years on this earth, I can say that I am strong, confident, and athletic.  And this is only after 1 month of this program...I can't wait to see what 6 months will bring. :)

2013: A Year of ?

Another year has come and gone.  2012 was one of the hardest years I've had in a while.

- I said goodbye to a guy that I was completely convinced I was going to be with for a very long time.
- I had emotionally draining, stressful roommate drama that even went so far as to involve the cops.
- I lost my job at a school I felt like was home and had to say goodbye to amazing coworkers that became good friends and a great community.
- I endured the job search once again.
- My great aunt passed away, which was the first close family member death in 15 years.

I honestly don't think I've cried so much in a year as I did in 2012.  Many of those hard things above not only made me cry, but they made me ugly cry.  Oy.  Guess I'm not totally dead inside.

But, with those tough things came some great things.  In fact, most of those hard things happened within the first half of 2012.  The second half brought some awesome things.

- I co-captained a frisbee team and had a blast making losing fun.
- I grew closer to an awesome group of girls who I can laugh with, be spontaneous with, but also be real with and find support in.
- My niece Emily was born :)
- I found a new job doing what I love.
- I found a new (normal!) roommate that I get along with.
- I've continued to keep in touch and spend time with some close friends from my last school, which have included dinner dates, girls' movie nights, pool floating, a Badger game, and a Halloween party.

I love the New Year.  I love reflecting upon the previous year, the good and the bad, and feeling the motivation to work on new goals.  I went back and read the goals I made for 2012.  I stuck to them okay, but I think I want to keep some of them (for a form of some of them) to hopefully continue to make them habits, not just goals to be accomplished once in a year.  For 2012, I wanted to:

1.  Have a NOR (Night of Reflection) once a week. - I stuck to this pretty well for a good portion of the year, but I've kinda fallen away from it recently.

2.  Read 1 Christian devotional or "self help" book a month.  - This is a lofty goal considering I'm not a huge reader during the school year.  I'd like to keep the goal of always reading at least 1 devotional-type book, but I'm not going to put a time limit on it.

3.  Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week. - Again, I didn't really stick to this timeline, but I'd like to continue blogging on a somewhat regular basis to give myself time to stop and process life, as well as share it with those closest to me.

4.  Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012. - I stuck to this pretty well (I read 75%!), despite having to skip a few sections due to falling behind.  The goal of this for Blackhawk was to make Bible reading a habit, not necessarily just reading through the Bible in a year.  I feel like that goal was accomplished in me.  I have made the time I get ready in the morning when I listen to the Bible passage for the day, and I enjoy reading on lazy weekend mornings.  In 2013, I'd like to use the other plans on my Bible app to keep me in the Word daily.

The one goal I'm adding to 2013 is to work on finding/learning what my strengths are and figuring out how to use those to serve others.  For Kenya, we had to take a spiritual gifts assessment, which was interesting.  When I think of my strengths, I usually only can say I'm a good teacher.  So, it was interesting to see what other things this assessment said I was good at.  I'm also currently reading a book called You're Already Amazing, which helps women find their strengths, realize they are made exactly the way God wants, and live in a way that uses those strengths.  Like I said before, I usually just see teaching as my strength.  But, to be honest, the last thing I want to do on a Sunday is volunteer with/teach kids.  That's what I do all week!  I feel like it would just burn me out.  So, this year, I'd like to realize my other strengths and learn how to use them to serve (at church, at school, with my friends, with my Kenya team, etc.).  I'm tired of thinking about what I need/want to work on...it's time to start thinking about how I'm already a great person!

Happy New Year!  Bring it 2013! :)