A little over 2 weeks ago, Josh and I broke up. I sort of sensed it coming because he seemed to pull away ever since I got back from Kenya. His custody trial was the week after I got back (Thursday and Friday), so I just assumed he was stressed about that.
The week of his custody trial came and went, and I didn't see him that entire week. We talked on the phone a couple of times, but most of our communication was through a few texts throughout the week. I knew he was stressed, but something just didn't feel right. I was trying to be supportive without smothering, but he wasn't really letting me in. I wanted to respect the space I thought he was showing me he needed, but I was sad that he didn't want to let me comfort him. Finally on Sunday, after not seeing him for a week and after his custody stuff was settled, I asked if I could see him. He told me to come over in the evening because he wanted to spend the afternoon processing everything that had happened.
On my way over to his house, I had this weird feeling that this was going to be it. Something just didn't feel right...he wasn't the same Josh I had known for the past 4 months. When I got there and he didn't hug me, I knew my gut feeling was right. Despite that, he mixed us up some cocktails and we sat out on his porch for about 2 hours, just having normal conversation. We made our way inside due to the bugs and that's when he finally brought up how he was feeling. It basically came down to us being on different levels of emotion and commitment to the relationship. That was something I knew and expected when I went into the relationship, figuring if he hadn't dated since being divorced, he probably wasn't going to jump into things quickly. Because of this, I let him take the lead with various steps of our relationship - involving the girls, meeting and getting involved with family, etc. He took all of those steps, and took them relatively early, so I allowed myself to open up my heart. Those steps implied that he was feeling confident in our relationship and where it was headed, and therefore wanted to invest our time with those closest to him. After our breakup, I found out he didn't have the feelings behind what those steps implied. It really hurt to hear that.
Because I am someone who takes time to process things and because I felt a little blindsided, I didn't have very many coherent thoughts the night we broke up. So I processed through how I was feeling and sent him an email the next night. I wanted him to understand what the steps he took in our relationship told me and what they did to my heart. He responded saying he was going to take some time to hear what I was saying and respond thoughtfully. After a few days and no response from him, we both decided talking face to face was going to be much easier.
About a week after we broke up, we got together to talk face to face. I was hurt, but I wanted him to have a chance to explain himself more before I got too upset. Our talk was so good. He walked me through the thought processes he had when making decisions in our relationship (like how much to involve the kids) and why he decided what he did. I learned that he is still operating in a mindset from when he was in an unhealthy marriage. He thought I would've been upset if the girls weren't a part of our relationship and thought that's what I expected. When he started feeling unsure and uneasy about how quickly our relationship was progressing, he got scared to say something because he's used to hard conversations turning into yelling and fighting. In reality, we were on the same page the entire time but just didn't know it. I told him repeatedly that I wished he had just said something. I told him that I never expected the girls (or our families) to be a part of our relationship right away and was looking to him to decide when he was ready. There were so many "should'ves" in our conversation and I said multiple times that I wish we had a redo button. We simply did not communicate well - he out of fear and me out of wanting to give him space and not seem pushy. Had we just had this conversation earlier in our relationship, things would've gone so much differently. But it didn't and there's probably a good reason for it.
By the end of our talk, we felt a huge sense of relief and peace. Both of us went into our talk feeling anxious but once we talked things through and understood each other better, we felt much better. I realized through our talk that he has so much healing he needs to do still. He still operates out of fear and insecurities, and he needs time to sort through all that and figure out who he is apart from his ex-wife. As hard as it is to lose him, I know this is what he needs and I felt so much peace about just letting him go. We could certainly feel God's presence in our conversation that night and we felt very comforted by Him. We knew this was the right thing for now. We ended our talk by holding hands and praying for each other. I told him he needs space right now and he needs to decide what that looks like.
Overall, I have continued to feel a huge peace about how things ended between Josh and I. I know this is the right thing for the time being. But I also have this weird sense that this isn't it between us. Throughout our relationship, I felt like things were just so right between us. I couldn't really explain it, but it just felt so perfect. When it ended, I was devastated that he didn't feel the same way. But after we talked, I was reminded that it wasn't something about me that caused the break up, it was the brokenness and hurt that Josh still has in his heart and mind. He told me how much he cares about me...it was nice to hear that from him. So when we ended our talk, I just had this sense that God was telling me, "let him go...this isn't the end." I don't know how much weight to put into gut feelings though, so I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Josh to be ready. It very well may be that my gut feeling is wrong and we may need to move on. So in the time being, I'm going to go on with my life. If another guy that I'm interested in comes along, I'll pursue that. If Josh comes back, great. In the meantime, I'm going to keep praying that God would work in my heart and mold it to whatever He has planned.
Despite my huge sense of peace, I've still had my hard days. The first of those came last Sunday. Pastor Chris did a sermon on Psalm 23 as a part of our summer Praying the Psalms series. By the end of the sermon and into the closing worship, I was in tears. It's a psalm that verbalizes what I've trusted in and believed in all week, thus giving me the confidence that this is the right thing. But for some reason, it was hard that day. I think some of it was mourning the loss of what Josh and I had, especially after feeling the lack of Josh's presence at various times over the weekend. I think some of it was also the realization that even though God is with me through it all, it's not always going to be easy or feel good. Being a Christ-follower sometimes means loss - and that hurts. I think I had to mourn that. I don't want the loss right now. It hurts to lose someone you love. (Yes, I said it...I love Josh. I was always afraid to say it out loud, but I've known it for a while.) But, I also realized that day that I have a choice to make. I can choose to continue to mourn and let my heart grow bitter because of the loss, or I can choose to believe Psalm 23 is truth. The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He guides me along the right paths. His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. I choose to believe this is a part of God's bigger and better plan. It seems like what I had - what Josh and I had - was so right and so perfect. But it turns out God has something more right and more perfect. That's hard to comprehend. But I can't wait to see what that is. In the meantime, "He refreshes my soul."
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
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