In just 23 short days, I feel like 2012 has been pretty transforming for me already. The Eat This Book challenge at Blackhawk is really helping me to understand the Bible in a whole new way and I've been able to learn more a lot more about God's character through it.

I've been working a lot on trusting God through everything and truly believing in His plan over my own. It's been cool to read through Genesis and Exodus, and just watch God's plan weave through generation after generation. It's easy to dismiss the first few chapters because they make up so little of the actual Bible, but once I really thought about how many years pass from when God makes his covenant to Abraham to when God frees His people from Egypt in Exodus, it amazed me how His promises have held steadfast.

Despite feeling like I'm learning a lot, I obviously still have my days where it feels harder to leave it all up to God and not worry. This week was one of those weeks. For various reasons, Janaque and I didn't talk much this week. We Skyped last Tuesday but then didn't talk again until last night. In between, he didn't text me much. If he did respond to a text, it usually wasn't until hours later. I was trying not to become the "clingy girl," but it was hard to not hear from him much and not really know why. Partially because of the time of the month and partially because I'm a girl, it ate away at my mind. Satan really knows how to pick at your fears! Am I annoying him? Is he suddenly not interested in me? Is he mad at me? What is he doing that he's so busy he can't text me? Ahhhh I hate being a girl sometimes!!!

I still don't know the answers to some of those questions, but it was definitely a test of whether I was going to trust God and find comfort in Him, or let my fears eat away at me. Some days, I chose to rest in God. Other days, it was harder to do for whatever reason. The ironic thing was that when I chose to lay my fears at God's feet and just ask for Him to comfort my heart and mind, Janaque would respond almost immediately with something that quieted my fears. It happened multiple times this week. However, the days that I let myself dwell on my fears, I would feel uneasy all day.

I don't really know why I have such strong fears with Janaque sometimes. Part of me thinks it's because I'm used to the type of guy I've been with in the past...one that just interested in a fling, is not considerate of girls' feelings, or that just all of a sudden decides he's not interested anymore. Another part of me thinks that it's because this is the first time I'm feeling this happy with a guy and I'm terrified of it ending. I'm finding myself reverting back to my old way of thinking sometimes, where I didn't think I deserved anything good and good things were going to be taken away from me or kept from me.

No matter what is causing these fears, I need to learn to find my happiness and joy in God, not Janaque. Janaque is not perfect and will inevitably let me down in some way. Even if we end up spending the rest of our lives together, there will unaviodably be trials in our relationship. I absolutely cannot rely on our relationship to be my main source of joy. God is the only one who is unchangeable and can ALWAYS be relied upon. He will ALWAYS love me. He will ALWAYS guide me along His path. He will ALWAYS be with me. Even when it feels like He is silent. Even when times are tough. He is my rock in a shaky world.

I have no doubt that this whole thing with Janaque has been a huge source of growth for me. Not only can I pick out reasons why I think it's been so good for us that he moved, it has really helped me to rely on God throughout it all. It's a situation I feel totally out of control of, it's made me deal with lies I was believing about myself and God, and it's helping me trust Him for guidance in whatever happens in the future. Even though it's not an ideal situation from a selfish point of view, I don't think I would have it any other way.

Learning To Trust Again

I love when God makes a lesson clear to you through multiple ways. Last time I blogged, I wrote about how I've struggled with trusting God and surrendering complete control to Him. Tonight, the theme of trust jumped out of everything I read or listened to. You can hear God when you take the time to listen...

Right now, I'm reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's the author's journey in finding the joys among life's stresses and busyness through recording 1,000 gifts she's blessed with, and the lessons she learns along the way. Tonight's chapter? Trusting God.

One of the things that struck me from this chapter was when the author pointed out us trying to take control of things in our lives and not trusting God's ability is basically disbelief in God. She even went as far as to say it's basically atheism. If we truly believe in God, we must believe in the truths about God...including His power, ability, and goodness. When we try to take control of things in our lives and struggle to trust God, we're basically telling Him we don't think He can handle, fix, help, or do something in a situation. And if we don't think He can do something, we're not really believing.

In order to develop trust (true, deep, unfailing trust), we must look back at all the ways God has blessed us and helped us in the past. This will help us learn and realize God's power because we're able to look at things He's already done...and know He can do more.

It made me think about when I'm driving. There's a stretch on my way to work where there's a large bend in the road before a stoplight. Every morning, I always look ahead to the light to see if I should be stopping for a red light or if I can keep going through for a green light. Probably the safe thing to do, but there's plenty of time to prepare for a stop after the bend if needed. There's really no reason I need to look ahead so early. But I do it every morning. That's how I work. I like to see what's ahead. I like to know what I need to prepare for.

Instead, trusting God, as I'm slowly learning, is more like driving at night. Rather than being able to see far ahead down the road, you're limited to only seeing a few feet in front of you. You have to trust that the road is always going to be there in front of you, and that the car you're driving is going to get you to where you need to go, despite you not being able to fully see.

I'm reading through Genesis right now with my church's Bible-in-a-year plan. Pastor Chris explained how the story of creation is more of a story to teach us about the Creator. It shows us His power. His creativity. His sovereignty. If God can create a world like this - a universe like this - why can't He do anything else?? Why do I doubt His ability lead me in my tiny life? Genesis is bleeding with God's own creation sinning over and over again, right from the beginning...only for God to respond with blessing and redemption over and over again. Why do I doubt that He is good and will bless and redeem me? He had an entire plan of redemption for the Israelites that spanned generations. Each person and event had a specific purpose. Why wouldn't God have a specific purpose for each person and event in my life?

I still have a long way to go. There are no major decisions looming in my immediate future (in the next 4 months or so anyway), so it's easier to say these things now with confidence. The true test will be when I am faced with decisions or hard moments in life.