In just 23 short days, I feel like 2012 has been pretty transforming for me already. The Eat This Book challenge at Blackhawk is really helping me to understand the Bible in a whole new way and I've been able to learn more a lot more about God's character through it.

I've been working a lot on trusting God through everything and truly believing in His plan over my own. It's been cool to read through Genesis and Exodus, and just watch God's plan weave through generation after generation. It's easy to dismiss the first few chapters because they make up so little of the actual Bible, but once I really thought about how many years pass from when God makes his covenant to Abraham to when God frees His people from Egypt in Exodus, it amazed me how His promises have held steadfast.

Despite feeling like I'm learning a lot, I obviously still have my days where it feels harder to leave it all up to God and not worry. This week was one of those weeks. For various reasons, Janaque and I didn't talk much this week. We Skyped last Tuesday but then didn't talk again until last night. In between, he didn't text me much. If he did respond to a text, it usually wasn't until hours later. I was trying not to become the "clingy girl," but it was hard to not hear from him much and not really know why. Partially because of the time of the month and partially because I'm a girl, it ate away at my mind. Satan really knows how to pick at your fears! Am I annoying him? Is he suddenly not interested in me? Is he mad at me? What is he doing that he's so busy he can't text me? Ahhhh I hate being a girl sometimes!!!

I still don't know the answers to some of those questions, but it was definitely a test of whether I was going to trust God and find comfort in Him, or let my fears eat away at me. Some days, I chose to rest in God. Other days, it was harder to do for whatever reason. The ironic thing was that when I chose to lay my fears at God's feet and just ask for Him to comfort my heart and mind, Janaque would respond almost immediately with something that quieted my fears. It happened multiple times this week. However, the days that I let myself dwell on my fears, I would feel uneasy all day.

I don't really know why I have such strong fears with Janaque sometimes. Part of me thinks it's because I'm used to the type of guy I've been with in the past...one that just interested in a fling, is not considerate of girls' feelings, or that just all of a sudden decides he's not interested anymore. Another part of me thinks that it's because this is the first time I'm feeling this happy with a guy and I'm terrified of it ending. I'm finding myself reverting back to my old way of thinking sometimes, where I didn't think I deserved anything good and good things were going to be taken away from me or kept from me.

No matter what is causing these fears, I need to learn to find my happiness and joy in God, not Janaque. Janaque is not perfect and will inevitably let me down in some way. Even if we end up spending the rest of our lives together, there will unaviodably be trials in our relationship. I absolutely cannot rely on our relationship to be my main source of joy. God is the only one who is unchangeable and can ALWAYS be relied upon. He will ALWAYS love me. He will ALWAYS guide me along His path. He will ALWAYS be with me. Even when it feels like He is silent. Even when times are tough. He is my rock in a shaky world.

I have no doubt that this whole thing with Janaque has been a huge source of growth for me. Not only can I pick out reasons why I think it's been so good for us that he moved, it has really helped me to rely on God throughout it all. It's a situation I feel totally out of control of, it's made me deal with lies I was believing about myself and God, and it's helping me trust Him for guidance in whatever happens in the future. Even though it's not an ideal situation from a selfish point of view, I don't think I would have it any other way.