What a week.

Janaque broke things off between us last Wednesday. The day before he planned to come to surprise me with a visit for my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

I don't really know who reads this anymore, so I'm sorry if you've already heard this once (or more!).

Last Wednesday, Janaque and I were talking on the phone on my way home from Lifegroup. It was a pretty normal, routine conversation. Once I got home, I told him I should probably go to bed. However, he kept talking and I couldn't really figure out why he wouldn't let me go to bed. He told me all about how he had a good, long talk with his sister that day. He talked to her about things he's struggling with, things he's feeling stressed/overwhelmed with, and about me. After their talk, it became apparent to him that he wasn't in the right place to emotionally invest in a relationship right now. He didn't think he could invest the amount he wanted to nor the amount he felt I deserved. He told me (vaguely) about a couple of things he's struggling with as well as fears he had if we were to keep trying things long distance while he was going through stuff.

He wrestled all that day with when the best time would be to tell me. He decided he needed to be upfront with me right away instead of pretending things were okay. He especially didn't think it was fair to pretend things were okay, have an amazing weekend together for my birthday (in which he would've met a lot of my friends in Milwaukee and my parents), and then break things off. I agreed that option would've been a jerky move. However, telling me right before my birthday put a huge damper on the whole weekend. My birthday is my favorite day of the year and this was the first year that I actually wasn't excited for my birthday. If you know me at all, you know it's kind of a big deal for me to not be excited for my birthday.

He told me that he was still planning on coming so he could see other friends, but he let me decide if we would see each other. He knew it was a blow to me and understood if it was going to be too hard to see him. I told him that I wanted to see him. If anything, we needed to talk about things more in person. He came over Thursday night and we had a really good talk. After I cried on his shoulder when I saw him and he gave me a hug of course. I am a mess these days.

After talking on Thursday night, we just decided to enjoy being with each other one last time (for however long that ends up being) rather than sitting around just being sad. We picked up where we left things when he moved and it felt like he hadn't even been gone. We hung out most of the day on Friday and literally did nothing together...and it was amazing. It felt like a honeymoon (or what I imagine a honeymoon feeling like), where you don't want to go anywhere because you just want to hold each other and be close. The original plan was for him to join my sister and I on a day trip to Chicago on Saturday for my birthday, but in light of the recent events, he didn't feel like that was appropriate. I didn't know if I was going to be able to come back to Madison on Saturday after Chicago, so we said our goodbyes on Friday.

After Chicago, I got to my parents' house around 10:00 pm. It was late and it had been a long day, but I ultimately decided I needed to see Janaque one more time before he left. It killed me to know he was so close and I wasn't with him. So, I drove back to Madison Saturday night and he and I hung out Saturday night and Sunday morning. It was the best decision I made. I was afraid of it making things harder or it making me sadder, but I decided that things were about as hard and as sad as they could get. I'd rather be sad and with Janaque than sad and alone. For whatever reason, the post-Chicago visit felt happier. We both just felt happy to be with each other one more time. We tried not to think about him leaving and us not being together anymore.

This past week has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever experienced. I'm not an emotional person, so I'm extra exhausted. I can't seem to stop crying when I think about him, about what we had (even all that time we had to get to know each other over the phone), and what could've been. I don't really know why it's hitting me like this. I feel like I lost someone I've loved for years, not someone I've only known for 5 months and casually dated for 3 months. I feel kind of foolish when I find myself crying over it because it shouldn't be hitting me like this.

I think my emotions are a culmination of things. Over the weekend, it was partly due to disappointment and ruined birthday plans. When I found out he was going to surprise me for my birthday (my sister spilled the beans to me early), I've never been so excited for something in my life. I dreamt of all the weekend was going to hold and I could hardly contain my excitement. When it all fell apart, it felt devastating. The other factor to my emotions are just sadness over the happiness being over. He made me happier than I've ever been with someone. I can't really explain why. I felt loved. I felt special. He made me laugh. I felt alive. I'm not only going to miss feeling like that, but I'm going to miss HIM. Who he is. How he made me feel. Being a part of his life and including him in mine, even 1,000 miles apart.

I'm not mad at Janaque for any of this and completely understand why he needs to do this. I want him to be able to do this. I want what's best for him. I'm extremely frustrated with life though. My initial reaction to all this was frustration and confusion. Not only was I losing Janaque, it happened over my birthday. I still don't understand why God has chosen for things to happen this way. Before the weekend, I was even feeling like it was so cruel of God to rip this all away from me on my birthday. I know God does things for a reason and for our good, but my birthday?? C'mon God, really?

I've gotten to the point where I almost feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. Whether it's a job, friends, or this, I feel like as soon as I'm happy with where I'm at in life or what I have, it's ripped away from me. I've become VERY skeptical when I'm starting to feel really happy about something. I love the job I have now. My gut tells me it won't last past this year. I find some of the best friends I've ever had, and they move all over the country. It makes me not want to open up past a certain point to other people here. Although I was very happy with Janaque, I was often uneasy or scared to think it could last. My gut told me that it was all too good to be true. And it was. I'm so tired of feeling like I won't experience happiness in my life. I just feel like it's going to be stripped away from me. When will it be my turn, God? Why does everyone else around me get to experience it? What's wrong with me that I have to wait like this?

Despite all these feelings, I've been desperately trying to hold onto truth. I've been learning a lot about God and His character as my church has been reading through the Bible in a year together. I've learned that God has an ultimate plan and He doesn't waver from it...even if it takes 400 years for His plan to start to unfold like it did with the Israelites while they were slaves in Egypt. I've been trying to think back to other times in my life when I felt like things were falling apart, only for it to end up being a good thing. If I don't try to cling to these truths, I'll fall apart. I can't carry myself or hold myself up. I'm an emotional mess...I'm not strong enough to do that. I shouldn't have to. That's why Jesus came for us. I don't understand God's plan and I even have times where I'm frustrated or upset at how God is choosing to unfold His plan. But it's God. The God I believe in is loving. He always does what is best for us. He is ALWAYS good. It's hard for me to say that with a lot of belief behind it these days, but I choose to believe it. I want to believe God has something better for me. It can only get better, right?