Woah. Is this really happening?

A lot has happened in the last 4 days.

A little background to the last few days. In the spring of 2008, I went with Crusade to Florida for their annual spring break evangelism trip. I had already graduated, so I went as "pseudo-staff" to help out. A few students from UW-Platteville came with us...one of them being a guy named Mike. About a month and a half ago, I saw Mike at church here in Milwaukee. I didn't say hi to him because I didn't think he'd remember me. That night, he messaged me asking me if I had been at church because he saw me there, but wasn't sure if it was me because he thought I still lived in Madison. Then, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I saw him at a friend's birthday party. This time I actually said hi to him and we quickly caught up on life for a few minutes. When he left the party later, he gave me his card and told me to call him if I ever wanted to grab coffee or something. I kind of thought this was interesting because we didn't really know each other very well, despite both going to Florida.

Last Saturday, I went with 8 other people from church on a day trip to Chicago. Mike was one of the people in the group. We spent the whole day catching up and getting to know each other. I noticed that he almost always sat next to me all day. He just overall seemed to be paying attention to me quite a bit...definitely more than most guys usually do. I tried not to think anything of it, but I definitely had questions and was curious if there was something there.

When I got home from the trip, I decided to send him a message to tell him that I really enjoyed reconnecting with him. I was very tempted to tell him to call me if he ever wanted to hang out, but chose not to so he could take the initiative if he really was interested. He responded the next day saying that a year a half is way too long to wait to see each other again. I told him that I'd love to hang out with him more often and that he could call or text me anytime.

The next day (last Monday), he texted me asking me what I was up to that night. I had plans that night, but told him that I was free the rest of the week (except Christmas, of course). We made plans to see each other Tuesday night.

We ended up planning to meet at a restaurant/bar called Mo's Irish Pub for Tuesday night trivia. It's something he does pretty regularly with his sister and some friends. When we got there, he was the only one from his team that had come. So, we played trivia by ourselves. We had such a good time. After trivia ended, we stayed for another hour or so just talking. By the end of the night, we had made plans to see each other again the next day.

Yesterday (Wednesday), he texted me asking if I wanted to come over to his place to help him bake banana bread. I went over at about 3:30 and I ended up hanging out with him until 1 am. Not long after I got to his place, he remembered that he had an appointment to see an apartment, so I went with him. When we got back, we baked the banana bread and played with his brother's puppy that he was puppysitting. After the bread was done, he made dinner for us. Then we went downtown to see the lights and hang out at the outdoor skating rink. We watched skaters fall and drank Starbucks. On Tuesday, our original plan was to see a movie at the budget theater, so since we didn't do that on Tuesday, we drove down on Wednesday to catch a late show. It had been snowing all day/evening, so we got there much later than expected and missed the movie. We decided to catch the last movie that was playing...which was Zombieland. Not really a "date" movie, but still fun. After the movie, we went back to his place and talked until I left at 1 am.

I have really enjoyed the last two days with Mike. I feel really comfortable around him and we have a good time together. He hasn't come out and expressed specific feelings for me, but he's acted like he's interested. He opens doors for me. He's paid for most of the things we've done together. He even said I would be a cute meteorologist when I told him that I considered that as a career option for a short amount of time. And the fact that he wanted to see me two days in a row leads me to believe he's interested.

I still get very nervous though. In the past, I've had guys back away after spending time with me and getting to know me more. Granted, I never went out on official dates with those guys...but they showed interest in me and then backed away. So much of me is excited about the last few days, but I'm also a little scared. I'm starting to really like this guy. But what if it doesn't work out? What if he stops pursuing me and initiating dates? I know there's the other side...what if it does work? But for some reason, my mind wants to dwell on the negative questions. I haven't dated anyone in almost 7 years and have had few (normal) guys show interest in me. I've struggled a lot with my self-worth and thinking that someone would be interested in me someday in the last few years. So it seems unbelievable to me that Mike is truly interested. I want to believe it, but I still struggle with thinking that there are prettier girls he could be interested in.

Nevertheless, it's happening and it's made me really trust God in this whole thing. When I came back from Chicago, I prayed for my heart, as well as for Mike. When I have an interest in someone, I pray for God's will to be done...if it's not His will for me to be with this person, I ask that He change my feelings. So far, my feelings for Mike have only grown. I need to continue to be in prayer about all of this. And I need to trust that God has my interests at heart and will take care of me. God can make anything happen...it's definitely possible that this could be the start of something big in my life. But if not, I still need to trust in God's bigger plan for me.

It's been hard not to get overly excited. My mind and heart want to run away into the future and what could be. I just keep praying that God will help me keep some perspective and carry me through this. I'll keep you guys updated! :)

Today is December 17. In my world, one thing comes to mind on this day each year:

It's my ex-boyfriend Andrew's birthday.

Quick recap for those who don't know. I met Andrew through my church's youth group retreats. We dated a bit junior year of high school, but took a break from dating until senior year of high school. We dated a little over a year, with MANY ups and downs. Problems arose once I went to college. He became emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and would get so angry with me at the drop of a hat. It was like walking on egg shells with him. Yet, when he wasn't mad at me, he was so loving to me. I loved him very much and we often talked about when we would get married.

We had such an unhealthy relationship. But, I was completely blind to it until after we broke up freshman year of college. Looking back, I realized how many things were wrong in that relationship and I have learned a lot from it. Looking back, I now know why God put him and our experiences in my life. I'm glad it didn't work out because it was so unhealthy. Yet, on this day, I think about him often. I think about what we went through. I told my sister earlier tonight that it was his birthday, and her response was, "Why do you remember that??" I don't know why his birthday is a date that sticks out in my mind. And I don't know why he comes to mind so often on this day.

He was terrible to me. There are many things I struggle with internally because of the things he said and did to me. I don't miss him. But why do I think about him? Why do I remember his birthday?

Even though I don't miss him, I do miss the idea of him. I do miss having someone to love. And having someone love me (most of the time) in return. I miss having that person to talk to each night. I miss having that companionship...that's only ours. I haven't dated anyone since Andrew and I broke up almost 7 years ago. And while I usually do okay with being single, certain days bring back memories. And those memories make me realize how long I've been single.

He's been happily married for about a year now. He was the abusive one...yet I'm the one who's alone. Not completely alone, I know. I have great friends and family, and an amazingly merciful God. But there are days I just feel...alone. Friday nights when everyone has plans and I'm sitting at home alone, watching movies and eating pizza. I've heard the cliche "it's worth the wait" talk, but it doesn't always feel true.

I'm glad December 17 only lasts one day.

I love my career.

I went to Heritage's Christmas vocal concert last Friday to see my former students perform and to say hi to some of my former coworkers. Of course it was fun to see the students, but talking to some of the parents was the highlight of the night. The parents I saw that night gave me the biggest hugs I've had in a while.

One dad was looking all over for me when he heard I was going to be there, and when I did find him, he kept talking about how mad he was that I'm not at the school anymore and how big of an impact I had on his daughter. He also told me that his family still prays for me.

Another mom told me that she prays all the time for me to find my way back to Heritage (although in the same breath, telling me that I'm probably better off where I'm at now).

A grandma (who I actually saw at church on Sunday, not at the concert) kept telling me how much her family misses me and how excited she was to see me.

Many times when I look back on last year, the stressful and negative moments take over my memories. It was the hardest, most stressful, frustrating, and draining year of my life. Yet, despite how many times I was frustrated with my class last year, their faces still light up when I visit. And their parents tell me all those wonderful things. It's hard for me to see that I made an impact on my students' lives, but it was really encouraging to hear that I had made a difference. It was encouraging to hear how much the students enjoyed their 3rd grade year.

I'm excited to see where God takes me after this year in my career. I will always let those encouraging words and memories bring me through the years to come.

It's been quite a busy week. Well, compared to my normal schedule anyway. On Monday, I hung out with a couple of girls from my Bible study to watch the Packer game. We had a blast watching the game and talking about which Packers we think are cute. ;) I'm really enjoying getting to know them better.

On Tuesday, I went with a small group of people from my Bible study to volunteer at a halfway house called Jeremy House. It's a temporary home for people with mental illnesses. We cooked them dinner and just hung out with a few residents for about an hour and a half. The whole thing was totally out of my comfort zone. To start, I'm not a good cook. And I'm not great at making conversation with people I don't know...let alone people with mental illnesses. But it turned out to be kind of nice. There was one resident named Sue there that was interesting to talk to. She is a recovering alcoholic and told us about how her 27 year old daughter stopped talking to her because of her addiction. She got teary-eyed when she told us that her only Christmas wish was to talk to her daughter again. It was sad to hear Sue's story. But she was very grateful for the meal and the company. I'm glad we were able to be a dim light in a lot of darkness in her life right now.

On Wednesday, when just about everyone else in the area had a snow day, I ended up having to sub for one of the kindergarten teachers I work with. Because of the weather, the district ran out of subs, so I had to step in. The day went pretty well. It definitely helped that I have been working in the classroom since the end of September and I know the routines and kids well. The kiddos were pretty hyped up about the snow, so it was a busy and challenging day at times. But, it was fun to be the teacher again and have a chance to show my principal that I am capable of handling things on my own.

I had kind of another hard night with my family tonight. Nothing to the extent of Thanksgiving, but enough to make me feel kind of down. At dinner, my sister was talking about how her boyfriend only likes his fish beer battered or fried (we were eating fish for dinner). It's been a running joke that her boyfriend and I are basically the same person...we have many things in common. Well, I also happen to only like my fish fried, so I mentioned that that was another thing he and I have in common. My stepdad responded with "Wow, it's scary to think there's more than one of you running around." Normally, I'd just laugh and let it roll. But it bothered me. Why am I so bothered by this kind of thing now? Sometimes, I get to the point where I just feel like crying. I feel like my family either is making fun of me or annoyed with me. I have friends here (who I'm very grateful for), but the friends who know me best live out of town and talking to them online every now and then just doesn't replace being with them. I think things just seem harder around the holidays. It's hard enough to be single, let alone feel hurt by my family and feel so far away from my closest friends. I usually characterize myself as an extrovert, but more and more lately I've been finding myself just wanting to be alone. If you know me at all, you know that isn't like me. I feel selfish for feeling this way, especially after my experience volunteering at Jeremy House. Overall, I have a great life. I have so many things going for me and my problems really aren't that big. So I think I just need to push aside my measly complaints and try to focus on putting other people's needs ahead of mine. We'll see how that goes.

Kindergartenism #24:
Josie: "These used to be new shoes. (shows me her shoes that are starting to break) They're old now. They're 16 years old!"

Kindergartenism #25:
Nathan and Cameron talking while waiting in line for the bubbler.
Cameron: "We'd have to go to the money store." (I didn't catch what they were talking about prior to this)
Nathan: "You don't go to the money store! You go to a bank to get money!"

Kindergartenism #21:
During a reading group reading a book about a pig taking a trip to see her family...
Me: "What is the title of this book?"
All the kids: "Pig's Trip"
Me: "What do you think this book will be about?"
Andy: "A pig falling down."
Me: "Haha, you're right, trip can mean to fall down. But I think this book is about a different kind of trip."

Kindergartenism #22:
Multiple kids: "IT'S SNOWING!!!!"
Ashton (a kiddo who barely knows his alphabet): "It's Christmas outside!! It's a winter wonderland!"

Kindergartenism #23:
Raziel: "Look, it's snowing outside! That means it's Christmas!"
Me: "No, Raziel. Snow means it's winter. Christmas is still coming."
Raziel: "No! Snow means it's Christmas!"
Me: "Are we opening presents today? It's not Christmas today."
Raziel: "No! It is Christmas outside!"