Today is December 17. In my world, one thing comes to mind on this day each year:

It's my ex-boyfriend Andrew's birthday.

Quick recap for those who don't know. I met Andrew through my church's youth group retreats. We dated a bit junior year of high school, but took a break from dating until senior year of high school. We dated a little over a year, with MANY ups and downs. Problems arose once I went to college. He became emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and would get so angry with me at the drop of a hat. It was like walking on egg shells with him. Yet, when he wasn't mad at me, he was so loving to me. I loved him very much and we often talked about when we would get married.

We had such an unhealthy relationship. But, I was completely blind to it until after we broke up freshman year of college. Looking back, I realized how many things were wrong in that relationship and I have learned a lot from it. Looking back, I now know why God put him and our experiences in my life. I'm glad it didn't work out because it was so unhealthy. Yet, on this day, I think about him often. I think about what we went through. I told my sister earlier tonight that it was his birthday, and her response was, "Why do you remember that??" I don't know why his birthday is a date that sticks out in my mind. And I don't know why he comes to mind so often on this day.

He was terrible to me. There are many things I struggle with internally because of the things he said and did to me. I don't miss him. But why do I think about him? Why do I remember his birthday?

Even though I don't miss him, I do miss the idea of him. I do miss having someone to love. And having someone love me (most of the time) in return. I miss having that person to talk to each night. I miss having that companionship...that's only ours. I haven't dated anyone since Andrew and I broke up almost 7 years ago. And while I usually do okay with being single, certain days bring back memories. And those memories make me realize how long I've been single.

He's been happily married for about a year now. He was the abusive one...yet I'm the one who's alone. Not completely alone, I know. I have great friends and family, and an amazingly merciful God. But there are days I just feel...alone. Friday nights when everyone has plans and I'm sitting at home alone, watching movies and eating pizza. I've heard the cliche "it's worth the wait" talk, but it doesn't always feel true.

I'm glad December 17 only lasts one day.