what i'm learning from 2011

Another year is coming to a close. I swear, these years go by faster the older I get. And yet, I feel like time is crawling at the same time. It's a weird paradox.

This year was quite the year. It was marked with some good times with friends, the beginning of the job I've been dreaming of, and the start of new friendships. It was also a hard year - moving away from home sort of last minute, saying goodbye to good friends moving away, and poor choices.

The biggest lesson I'm learning from 2011 is how to give up my own control and submit to God's power and authority. I recently read a blog article about a girl learning not to view God in the same way she views her Earthly father. I've often heard the comparison of our own fathers with God and how that can affect how we view God. For whatever reason, I never stopped to think if that was true in my own life. Lo and behold, it was!

My parents got divorced when I was in 8th grade. Before my dad moved out, he and I had a tense relationship. I was at the climax of puberty, and therefore was quite emotional. I was also growing up and becoming more of my own person rather than a little girl. That caused lots of tension. I was finding that as I grew up, I had similar issues with my dad that my mom had with him. Him moving out helped since he wasn't around all the time to argue with, but our relationship has always been strained. It's gotten a little better with each passing year, but I am in no way "daddy's little girl." After the divorce, my dad struggled to provide. He didn't make a lot of money and his jobs were never permanent. He had good intentions and wanted to show us that he was a dad that was there for his kids. Rather than just be there for us emotionally or support us in the ways he could, he felt like he had to make us promises - that he would buy us this or that, help us with rent, take us to this concert, take us on that vacation - but he never followed through on them. Ever. At first, it was comforting to think that my dad was going to help me out financially as I was trying to get out on my own. But, once I saw he never followed through with what he "promised," I stopped believing him. To this day, 14 years since the divorce, he still makes promises he can't keep. He still thinks he can live a certain kind of life when in reality he can't afford it. I've learned over the years to not trust my dad. I can't trust a single "promise" he makes. I can't count on him to help provide for me.

When I read that blog article the other day, I actually stopped to think about how I feel about my dad. And then I thought about the struggles I have with God. Woah...there was a connection! I struggle with thinking that God will provide for me and follow through with His promises. Despite past blessings He's given me, it's still a struggle in my heart. Rather than rest in God's promises, I worry. Would I ever get to do what I had a passion for and teach? Would He ever provide a Godly man to spend the rest of my life with? Would I ever feel settled and connected? My worries led me to think that He wouldn't follow through. I only saw all the ways I had messed up in my life and thought that my desires wouldn't be met. I couldn't trust God. So, I learned to take matters into my own hands. I found ways to satisfy my desires on my own. I even got to the point this summer where I basically flipped God off and did whatever the hell I wanted...only to find myself broken and empty.

And then I got my dream job...and found that I'm good at it. That's weird...I just spent the summer doing what I knew was wrong and landed an amazing job a week later. And then I met an amazing guy that makes me happier than I've ever been. Hmm...

Despite feeling like God has started satisfying some of my desires, I'm learning that I am NOT in control of this life...nor should I be. The biggest thing that is teaching me that is this whole thing with Janaque. I don't know if we're "meant to be" or whatever, but when I first met him and things started up with us, I was still in my old mindset: I must take advantage of him being here and enjoy every moment while I can! Who was in control? Me. Then he moved. I thought things were over and I'd just move on. Wrong. He wasn't just some random fling...he was turning out to be this incredible guy that was so much of what I've been looking for. So, my instinct was to just want to snatch him up and just date him long distance. So, I tried planning out how that would work. How often would we visit each other? How long would we do the long distance thing before one of us moving? Where would we live if it worked out? I've always thought the East Coast was nice...I wonder what it would take to get a Massachusetts teaching license?

I was worrying and stressing again...until I realized it's not in my control. It's not up to me because I have no idea what the future holds. J may be the guy for me...he may not. At this point, I know what I want and I know how I'd have it play out if I were the author of my life. But I'm not...so why am I stressing out about it? When I took things into my own hands in the past, they failed or I made big mistakes. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm ready to see what God has for me. I need to be patient...and to trust that God WILL follow through on His promises...in His own way.

It's so scary for me to do that. Nowhere does it say in the Bible that J and I will be together in the future. There's always the possibility that it won't work out. But, God does promise that He works for the good to those who love Him, that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He will always love us. His plans may be different than mine...but He promises that they are always GOOD! If J isn't the best for me, then the guy that is will be SO MUCH better for me than he is.

The other day, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was crabby because my computer stopped working and I was just feeling off. I was missing J like crazy (he's been in Canada for the last week and a half and is there for another week) and his emails seemed to be getting shorter. I quickly found myself freaking out. What if J changes his mind about me and decides he doesn't like me anymore and never wants to date me? What if he meets someone in Massachusetts and decides she's better than me? What if I said or did something that annoyed him? I soon found myself crying because I couldn't talk to him, I missed him, and I felt completely out of control of the situation. The thoughts that were going through my head were eating me alive.

I don't believe it was a coincidence that my computer stopped working that night (it magically worked just fine the next morning). I realized that I needed to spend time with God before I went completely insane. I don't even remember what I read that night, but I do remember just laying out all my fears and thoughts before God on tear-stained journal pages. My fears are legitimate things that could happen, but suddenly I realized that they weren't something I needed to stress about. My focus should be on seeking God in ALL situations...whether things are going great or crappy. My heart needs to trust God and all that He promises...even if it's different than what I think I want. I need to learn to rest in Him.

In order to keep on track with this, I need to make some tangible goals for my life (here you go Miranda!):

1. Have a NOR once a week.

2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self-help" book every month.

3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week.

4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012.

That's all I have for now...if I think of more, I'll let you guys know. :)

Striving for Colossians 1:9-12

Well, Janaque and I made it 1 week without talking. It was quite the week. I spent some time thinking and praying about where things were going. I spent some time talking to close friends and asking for advice. Up until the day before we were going to talk again, I still felt far from a decision and felt just as confused as when the week started.

I then realized that I was trying to justify why it was good for Janaque to try dating...I wasn't willing to listen to the people that were telling me reasons I shouldn't date him right now. I got a couple of hard emails to read that basically laid out all the things I need to work on before focusing on a relationship. They were hard to read because they had a lot of truth in them...and they weren't things I wanted to hear. However, once I stopped being defensive, I thought more about what they were saying. And once I did that, God made it pretty clear what the right decision was.

Talking to Janaque only confirmed what I felt like God was telling me the right decision was. He got the same advice from some of the people he talked to and was on the same page as I as we discussed it. I told him that it's been a couple of years since I've been actually single...not involved with any guy period. My discussions with some of my friends showed me that there are many things I need to work on in my heart and walk with God before I can focus on another boy...no matter how great I think he is. In addition to things I feel like I need to work on, I don't know what my job situation holds for me after this year (I'm in an interim position that can last as long as 3 years but can also be as short as just this year). In order to do this, I'm going to not date or consider dating anyone until school is out in the summer. From his side, the people he talked to all thought we should take more time to get to know each other. He also needs to figure out where his life is going in the near future. He needs to find a job for the next year or so and he'd like to apply to medical schools. We decided to just take the next few months to continue to get to know each other and see where God leads us. If it's meant for us to be together, God will cause our lives to run parallel.

Despite my peace about our decision, it's still hard at times. Janaque and I have decided not to talk everyday in order to give us some boundaries, but not talking every day is difficult at times. When we do talk, I'm reminded of how much I miss him being here. Last night, I went to bed after Skyping with him and my heart just ached. I miss him. It's going to take some time.

Tonight during my night of reflection, I was reading a couple of things that made me think. My church has been going back to various parts of Isaiah recently, so I decided to read through the whole book to get some context on the verses they have been highlighting. One thing that stuck out to me tonight was God's power and control over everything. He spoke through Isaiah and told him exactly how He was going to redeem the Israelites. He calmed the fears of the king of Judah by telling him specifically what was going to happen in the future. God already had everything all mapped out. So, rather than worrying about figuring out what the future holds, if I believe the Word to be Truth, I need to rest in the fact that God already has it figured out for me. Why do we worry so much??

I then looked up passages that talked about being patient because that's one struggle I have...being patient for what God has planned. It's hard for me to wait for something I can't see coming ahead. I'm a planner. I like to know what lies ahead. So, rather than being patient and doing what I know is right, I take things into my own hands and make decisions based on the here and now. I do what I want because it's something I know. I want to just throw caution to the wind and date Janaque despite him living 1,000 miles away because I know I like him, he likes me, and he makes me happy. But, that might not be what's best for us right now...or ever. I don't like not knowing, but I need to practice being patient and making good decisions in the meantime.

I was led to Colossians 1:9-12: "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light." Those are things I should be striving for. Those are the things that "please him in every way". It says in John that in order to bear fruit, we need to remain connected to God and allow Him to trim the branches that aren't producing fruit. That will in turn help us (me) grow in the knowledge of God and become stronger with endurance and patience.

God's not going to abandon me. He's not going to leave me high and dry. I need to just trust Him. I don't know why that's so hard for me sometimes. But I pray that I'm able to remain in Him...and that each day gets easier as I grow in patience and wait for Him.