I then realized that I was trying to justify why it was good for Janaque to try dating...I wasn't willing to listen to the people that were telling me reasons I shouldn't date him right now. I got a couple of hard emails to read that basically laid out all the things I need to work on before focusing on a relationship. They were hard to read because they had a lot of truth in them...and they weren't things I wanted to hear. However, once I stopped being defensive, I thought more about what they were saying. And once I did that, God made it pretty clear what the right decision was.
Talking to Janaque only confirmed what I felt like God was telling me the right decision was. He got the same advice from some of the people he talked to and was on the same page as I as we discussed it. I told him that it's been a couple of years since I've been actually single...not involved with any guy period. My discussions with some of my friends showed me that there are many things I need to work on in my heart and walk with God before I can focus on another boy...no matter how great I think he is. In addition to things I feel like I need to work on, I don't know what my job situation holds for me after this year (I'm in an interim position that can last as long as 3 years but can also be as short as just this year). In order to do this, I'm going to not date or consider dating anyone until school is out in the summer. From his side, the people he talked to all thought we should take more time to get to know each other. He also needs to figure out where his life is going in the near future. He needs to find a job for the next year or so and he'd like to apply to medical schools. We decided to just take the next few months to continue to get to know each other and see where God leads us. If it's meant for us to be together, God will cause our lives to run parallel.
Despite my peace about our decision, it's still hard at times. Janaque and I have decided not to talk everyday in order to give us some boundaries, but not talking every day is difficult at times. When we do talk, I'm reminded of how much I miss him being here. Last night, I went to bed after Skyping with him and my heart just ached. I miss him. It's going to take some time.
Tonight during my night of reflection, I was reading a couple of things that made me think. My church has been going back to various parts of Isaiah recently, so I decided to read through the whole book to get some context on the verses they have been highlighting. One thing that stuck out to me tonight was God's power and control over everything. He spoke through Isaiah and told him exactly how He was going to redeem the Israelites. He calmed the fears of the king of Judah by telling him specifically what was going to happen in the future. God already had everything all mapped out. So, rather than worrying about figuring out what the future holds, if I believe the Word to be Truth, I need to rest in the fact that God already has it figured out for me. Why do we worry so much??
I then looked up passages that talked about being patient because that's one struggle I have...being patient for what God has planned. It's hard for me to wait for something I can't see coming ahead. I'm a planner. I like to know what lies ahead. So, rather than being patient and doing what I know is right, I take things into my own hands and make decisions based on the here and now. I do what I want because it's something I know. I want to just throw caution to the wind and date Janaque despite him living 1,000 miles away because I know I like him, he likes me, and he makes me happy. But, that might not be what's best for us right now...or ever. I don't like not knowing, but I need to practice being patient and making good decisions in the meantime.
I was led to Colossians 1:9-12: "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light." Those are things I should be striving for. Those are the things that "please him in every way". It says in John that in order to bear fruit, we need to remain connected to God and allow Him to trim the branches that aren't producing fruit. That will in turn help us (me) grow in the knowledge of God and become stronger with endurance and patience.
God's not going to abandon me. He's not going to leave me high and dry. I need to just trust Him. I don't know why that's so hard for me sometimes. But I pray that I'm able to remain in Him...and that each day gets easier as I grow in patience and wait for Him.
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