Mike and I had another "us" talk last week. I wasn't really surprised by what he said...but it was good to hear him say it.
Basically he said that because he's unemployed and doesn't know what his life will look like in the near future, he feels like he can't commit to a relationship right now. He enjoys hanging out with me and still would like to do that...but that's all it will be. I then tried explaining that while I also enjoy hanging out with him, I need to look out for my heart. I'm a girl so my heart gets involved pretty easily.
I felt really good after our conversation. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders because Mike brought up the subject, so I didn't need to worry about trying to initiate the conversation. And I didn't need to wonder what he was thinking or feeling. I don't have to try to interpret his words or actions because I know where he's at. I felt really good about the whole situation over the weekend.
Last Monday, he decided to come to my HUB group (bible study). He has family night every other week, so he decided to start coming to our HUB on the off weeks. For some reason, that night was hard. I'm glad I got to see him, but my heart felt heavy. It was hard for me to watch him talk to other people when he and I hardly got to talk.
After doing some processing the last few days, it's becoming a harder reality to swallow that there's this guy that is interested in me (and that I like too), but can't/doesn't want to date me. I really like him and it's hard some days to remember that I'm not with him when I see him. I had the closest taste of a relationship I've had in the past 7 years and I just long to be loved by someone. It felt so good to have someone pay attention to me and be interested in me. But it hurts to think that I can't be with him. I want to trust God that I will have that again someday, but it's hard. So hard. Why did He put me through all this with Mike? It's like giving a child a taste of an ice cream sundae, but then telling him he can't have any more. My friend Gracia helped me look at it from a positive point of view the other night. She said that maybe God just wanted me to know that I am lovable by others (guys) and that He has something great planned for me. That was uplifting. That thought helps me get through the tough parts. On Wednesday, I went to Impact at my church and sat behind Mike. I found myself looking at him and focusing on him, so I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see him and focused on God and the words we were singing. I need to do that more.
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