It's been a while since I've posted anything significant on here. I mean, kindergartenisms are important and all, but they don't really keep anyone updated on my life...and that was the original intent of this blog. ;)
Life has had ups and downs the past few weeks. I actually have been putting off blogging to avoid processing some of the things going on...so healthy, right? Where to start?
A couple of weekends ago, I went to the spring retreat with Impact, the young adult group at my church. It was a random mix of people - many of whom I didn't know at all - but it was a good time. The speaker ended up being a guy named Bob, who turned out to be my friend MK from Madison's boyfriend...and she came with him! What a small world. It was really fun to see her. Bob talked about how we can write a better story for our lives. He challenged us to look at our lives and find the things (sin, idols, challenges) that hinder us from walking closely to God. It was easy to find many things I need to work on in my walk with God. There have been things in my life that I've struggled with for a long time that I haven't been able to change...or haven't tried hard enough to change, I should say. But he reminded us that God is the God of the impossible...there is nothing He can't get us through. The various things I struggle with all stem from one area in my life I need to improve...meeting with God regularly. I went through a phase in college where I felt so close to Him and I had regular quiet times. Since college, it's been a struggle for me to "fit" God into my busy schedule...but it's not because I don't have the time. I don’t make it a big enough priority in my life. I’ve taken a couple small steps to work on that...we’ll see how it goes. Please hold me accountable to this...that’s something I need more of in my life.
Last Friday, I found out that the 2nd grade opening at my school is going to be filled by another person from my school. I was trying not to bank on me getting that job, but it was a big possibility. When I heard the news, my heart sank. The reality of having to leave yet another school (a school I’ve come to really love) and go through yet another job transition struck me. I’m disappointed...frustrated...anxious to just settle down and keep a job for more than a year. I know in my head that God has something planned for me next year. It’s just a matter of making that head knowledge true heart knowledge too. It’s hard to not feel frustrated and worried about next year. I have applied to a couple of openings within my district, so I’m hoping I have more of a chance now that I’ve worked in the district for a year. In case it doesn’t, I’ve also started applying to openings in other districts. I’ll keep you updated.
And finally, Mike stuff. It wouldn’t be my blog without something about that kid. I finally felt like I got to the point where I was happy just being friends with him. There were things I saw in his life and character that made me realize he wasn’t someone I should be dating. We continued to hang out as friends and I was having a blast because I wasn’t worried about feelings. He went on the retreat a couple of weeks ago too and met a girl there named Katie. On the drive home, I was trying to sleep in the backseat while he and our friend Ryan talked. I wasn’t fully asleep (which Ryan apparently knew but Mike must have thought I was asleep) so I heard him tell Ryan that he thought Katie was really cute. They talked a bit about her and whether she could “keep up” with Mike (as he put it). My heart fell to my stomach. So much for feeling “over” Mike. Things didn’t really change between Mike and I for a couple of weeks after the retreat though, so slowly I forgot about the whole Katie thing. Last night, our friends Jenny and Tory had a birthday party and Katie came. Mike realized she was there and talked to her for the majority of the night. I could tell he was really into her. Later tonight, I’m going to Ryan’s to play Settlers with Mike and some other friends...including Katie, who was invited by none other than Mike. Why do I care so much??? He’s not someone I should be dating or even interested in. Ryan and I had an interesting talk last night after the birthday party..he told me that when Mike and I were “seeing each other”, I wasn’t the only girl he was interested in or even spending time with. I never really knew that, but it really didn’t surprise me. Still, it really hurt to hear. There are so many things about him that frustrate me...yet I can’t completely get over him. Despite those frustrations, we have such a good time and he makes me feel really happy when I’m around him. He gives me attention and makes me feel important to him and I like that...that is, until last night when he was with Katie. Now I just feel sad. I feel like I’m something that has faded and something new and shiny came along. I shouldn’t be interested in someone who is interested, or even pursues, multiple girls at once. There are other things about him and his life that are red flags...yet that doesn’t change how I’m feeling. He’s become a big part of my life and a friend that I’ve come to care about. But, I’ve realized that I need to learn how to find my identity in Christ rather in a guy...or anyone for that matter. I need to learn how to not let someone’s opinion of me or actions toward me affect what I think of me. Rather than letting this whole Mike thing make me feel unlovable or hurt, I need to learn how to be confident in how God sees me and how He has made me. I am PERFECT in God’s eyes...no one should ever make me feel less than that. So much easier said than done...
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