With Dan, I knew he wasn't right for me. Yes, we got along well and I loved hanging out with him. He's a great friend. But, deep down I knew there were things about him that were bad for me to be getting involved with romantically. He was the first one where I knew 100% I shouldn't be involved with him and I did it anyway. I didn't even try to justify it or find good things about him to try to outweigh the "bad". I just deliberately went against what I knew was right because I didn't want to face reality.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I try to justify why it's okay for me to get involved with different guys, even when I know it's wrong?
I've decided it comes down to a lack of trust. I don't trust that God will provide someone better for me. Sure, I say that I believe He will. But deep down in my heart, I don't trust Him. At least my actions don't show that I do. Talk about a dagger in God's heart. Ouch.
It is REALLY hard for me to truly believe that there are decent guys still out there. I see everyone else I know finding them, but instead of believing there's still one out there for me, I think they're all being snatched up by my friends...leaving no one left for me.
If you look at my past history of boys, it makes total sense that I would think this way. Every guy that I've dated (however you want to define that term) looked like a "good guy" on the outside. But as time went on, he'd turn out to not be the good guy I thought he was. Every. Single. Time. But instead of dumping him when I find out or figure out he isn't as good as I thought, I hang on and try to justify why he "isn't that bad". That's when I let myself get hurt. I'm afraid to let go of what I've found because deep down, I don't know if I'll find someone better. Or at least someone better that likes me back. So I hang on, get myself in trouble, and ultimately end up hurting.
Some of this comes down to a lack of self-respect. Not only do I not fully believe there are still decent guys out there, if there was, I don't believe a decent guy would want to be with me. As a good friend told me, I don't believe God's truths about myself. For a while, I thought I was getting better at this. It's been a struggle for a long time. And I have gotten better. But obviously it's not a struggle that's conquered. I do know I have good qualities but do I really believe that I am a co-heir with Christ? That I'm fearfully and wonderfully made? That God delights in me more than the birds in the air or the flowers on the land? I only see the ways I've failed God. Repeatedly. Why should I be blessed with a wonderful husband?
Lucky for me, that's not what God sees. He covers us with grace every single time we mess up. He doesn't see us for our failures...He sees us in His image. I don't get it. I never will. It doesn't matter that I don't get it. I need to learn to live IN it. No matter what I think I deserve (or don't deserve). I need to learn to accept God's grace for me and live in complete faith. I'm done trying to take things into my own hands. I'm done being hurt by boys or my poor choices with them.
I'm not going to lie...it's going to suck. It's not fun to deny what your flesh wants. If I had it my way, I'd just throw caution to the wind and be with Dan (or some other guy that doesn't live in Texas...) and live it up. I enjoyed every second of my summer with him...I won't lie about that. But that kind of life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling as the life I'm learning to believe I will have if I follow after God. It'll be hard now but I'm trusting it'll be worth it in the end.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever." Ephesians 3:20-21
Thanks for your honest post. Just earlier today, I was wondering how you were doing with the whole Dan situation, especially now that he's been gone a little over a month. Honestly, his move--although hard--was likely a blessing for you so that you could break free and find someone who is worthy of the wonderful young woman you are!
ReplyDeleteI understand how you're feeling about the trust idea too. I have trust issues with God in other facets of life, so I've been there. I wish I was still regularly surrounded by a Christian community to help me process it all, but I feel very alone in it now. Granted, I could put more effort into reaching out in my new church, but something else always seems to come up... Oh well.
Know that you are loved by God, appreciated by friends, and bound to be embraced by a wonderful man when the time is right. Don't forget the book we read last summer--it has some great reminders in it. :-)