It's been kind of strange being back in Madison. Sometimes it feels like I'm just visiting (like I did when I lived here for a summer) and then I'll just head back to Milwaukee eventually. I'm going to Milwaukee next weekend for a concert and a wedding and just realized the other day that I have to actually find a place to stay. It's weird to think about.

The hardest part about being back is the community. I had such a great community here when I first lived here. Since then, my friends have either moved away or have gotten married. I feel like the new girl again. As an extrovert, it's hard sometimes. I don't have anyone to watch sports with (my roommates don't care for sports). I don't really feel like I have people I can call up to do something on a Saturday night. I joined a new life group here (bible study) but of course it's going to take some time before I feel connected to people. We're still in that awkward getting-to-know you phase. I tried texting one of my life group leaders, Nate, to see if he wanted to get a group of people together to watch the Brewers game (it happened to be the game we clinched the division...I had a feeling it would happen that night and I really wanted to see it)...I didn't hear back from him until after the game and instead, I listened to the game on the radio at home while doing schoolwork.

I just don't feel very connected right now. I sat by myself at church today feeling very alone. The few people I did recognize were there with their new spouse/significant other. Every time I move, this phase is always inevitable. I know it's going to take time to build up community again here. I think it's hard moving back to a city you once lived because I have so many good memories here with such good friends. It's hard being here without those people.

It's also made me miss the friends I have back in Milwaukee. I miss having people I could just call up to hang out on a random night. I miss having plans and things to do with people. Moving kind of shows you who your true friends are. There have been 2 instances already where people I know from Milwaukee have come to Madison for various reasons and didn't tell me or ask if I wanted to meet up with them. Is that what it's going to be like? I've already had people tell me Madison is "too far" to drive for whatever reason. That's hard for me to understand. I'm someone who is willing to go out of my way to see a friend. I guess we aren't all like that.

The extrovert in me is going crazy for some quality people time. "People time" at work doesn't count because it's just that...work. I have one roommate that is hardly ever here and that works an opposite schedule than me and another roommate who likes to keep to herself. I'm just praying that God brings along some solid connections for me here because I think I might otherwise go crazy. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing life alone.

Immeasurably more...

Since my whirlwind of a summer with Dan, I've tried to process a little bit why I end up in the same position with guys over and over again. I get caught up in them, despite seeing a red flag or two with them. I make bad choices with them. I end up hurt or sad in the end. Repeat.

With Dan, I knew he wasn't right for me. Yes, we got along well and I loved hanging out with him. He's a great friend. But, deep down I knew there were things about him that were bad for me to be getting involved with romantically. He was the first one where I knew 100% I shouldn't be involved with him and I did it anyway. I didn't even try to justify it or find good things about him to try to outweigh the "bad". I just deliberately went against what I knew was right because I didn't want to face reality.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I try to justify why it's okay for me to get involved with different guys, even when I know it's wrong?

I've decided it comes down to a lack of trust. I don't trust that God will provide someone better for me. Sure, I say that I believe He will. But deep down in my heart, I don't trust Him. At least my actions don't show that I do. Talk about a dagger in God's heart. Ouch.

It is REALLY hard for me to truly believe that there are decent guys still out there. I see everyone else I know finding them, but instead of believing there's still one out there for me, I think they're all being snatched up by my friends...leaving no one left for me.

If you look at my past history of boys, it makes total sense that I would think this way. Every guy that I've dated (however you want to define that term) looked like a "good guy" on the outside. But as time went on, he'd turn out to not be the good guy I thought he was. Every. Single. Time. But instead of dumping him when I find out or figure out he isn't as good as I thought, I hang on and try to justify why he "isn't that bad". That's when I let myself get hurt. I'm afraid to let go of what I've found because deep down, I don't know if I'll find someone better. Or at least someone better that likes me back. So I hang on, get myself in trouble, and ultimately end up hurting.

Some of this comes down to a lack of self-respect. Not only do I not fully believe there are still decent guys out there, if there was, I don't believe a decent guy would want to be with me. As a good friend told me, I don't believe God's truths about myself. For a while, I thought I was getting better at this. It's been a struggle for a long time. And I have gotten better. But obviously it's not a struggle that's conquered. I do know I have good qualities but do I really believe that I am a co-heir with Christ? That I'm fearfully and wonderfully made? That God delights in me more than the birds in the air or the flowers on the land? I only see the ways I've failed God. Repeatedly. Why should I be blessed with a wonderful husband?

Lucky for me, that's not what God sees. He covers us with grace every single time we mess up. He doesn't see us for our failures...He sees us in His image. I don't get it. I never will. It doesn't matter that I don't get it. I need to learn to live IN it. No matter what I think I deserve (or don't deserve). I need to learn to accept God's grace for me and live in complete faith. I'm done trying to take things into my own hands. I'm done being hurt by boys or my poor choices with them.

I'm not going to lie...it's going to suck. It's not fun to deny what your flesh wants. If I had it my way, I'd just throw caution to the wind and be with Dan (or some other guy that doesn't live in Texas...) and live it up. I enjoyed every second of my summer with him...I won't lie about that. But that kind of life wouldn't be nearly as fulfilling as the life I'm learning to believe I will have if I follow after God. It'll be hard now but I'm trusting it'll be worth it in the end.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever." Ephesians 3:20-21

2 days down, 178 to go

The first two days of school have come and gone. And I'm still alive and able to write about it! :P

Our district has it so that 1/2 of each kindergarten class comes the first day of school and the other 1/2 comes the second day of school. It definitely made the first two days much easier! Part of me liked only having 11 and 9 kids at a time (for obvious reasons), but Tuesday with all 20 is going to be like starting all over. Tuesday is going to be like the first day all over again. Yikes.

Overall, I really like my class. They're all very sweet! I can already pick out the kiddos that will wear on my patience and the ones that will have a hard time following directions though. Nothing (hopefully) too bad. With some of the kiddos I've dealt with in the past, my kids this year seem very tame.

I'm really enjoying my coworkers! They're very different than the teachers I worked with last year (who I loved as well!), but I feel like I fit in pretty well. One thing I really love is how encouraging they all are. I still don't know who everyone is or everyone's name, but despite that, I'm always being asked how things are going and how I'm doing. I've also been told multiple times how great of a teacher I am...even after only the first day! It amazes me how much these people believe in me and how much potential they see in me so early on. It's very clear to me that this is something God has ordained because no other district or school I applied to in the past 4 years saw my potential and were willing to give me a chance despite not having a lot of full-time classroom teaching experience.

I feel like there is more I can tell you guys about the first couple of days, but my brain is so tired that it was hard for me to even write those last couple of paragraphs. I'll try to keep you guys updated. :)

grace and redemption

I really should be going to bed right now. Tomorrow is the first day I have to get up early-ish for work. I'm only meeting with the teacher I'm taking over for, so it's nothing too official, but I should probably be somewhat awake and alert. But, I'm a night owl and not the least bit tired.

So I mentioned in my last post about my life getting to a point where I wasn't making the best decisions. For some reason, I got to a point where I was having fun enjoying life...life my way. I let myself drift away from God. I was enjoying being in charge of my own life.

Rewind a bit. Around last January or so, I was at Jose's, a Mexican restaurant we would often frequent after Impact for drinks and free chips and salsa. It was actually only my second or third time joining the Jose's crew...I usually went to TGI Fridays after Impact. I was sitting on the end of one of the long tables we were seated at, sitting next to people I didn't really know. I was casually talking to a guy at the head of the table (we'll call him John...I don't remember his name). John worked at a cell phone store, so we were talking about my (relatively) new iPhone and my favorite apps. During our conversation, a guy joined us at the end of the table. I found out his name was Dan and he jumped right into our convo. Continuing our discussion, I mentioned that my Sports Center app was one of my most used apps, making it one of my favorites. Dan's eyes lit up and quickly asked me what teams I followed. After mentioning that I love the Packers, Brewers, and Badgers, his eyes lit up even more. Needless to say, he was impressed that a girl (who on the outside looked like a girly girl) was that into sports. We chatted for a few more minutes and then he left.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. I went with my friend Ryan to Mike's brother's band's concert (follow that? :P). Dan was there and started talking to me. Except that I didn't remember who he was. I recognized him, but he had to remind me where we had met. We started casually talking and quickly realized we had a lot of the same interests. Conversation flowed so naturally. I found myself feeling incredibly comfortable with someone I hardly knew...not something that usually happens for me. It usually takes me a while before I open up and feel comfortable around someone new. Once the concert started, Dan asked my friend Renee and me if we wanted go to the front and dance. Again, not something I would usually do with someone I just met. But, I went and had an absolute blast.

From March until about May, we only saw each other randomly at Impact or I'm Not a Pilot concerts (Mike's brother's band). It was also during this time that he told me he was planning on moving to Texas sometime in the summer. I was bummed to hear this because I was enjoying getting to know him, but we had just become friends so it wasn't anything too devastating.

In the beginning of May, Ryan had his annual Cinqo de Mayo party (this year it was on Siete de Mayo) and he invited Dan, who was slowly becoming part of our little friend group. Again, Dan and I had a blast hanging out, being silly, and dancing. I was really enjoying hanging out with him. Impact ended in May and our last official event was a Brewers game. Dan came to the tailgate (in the pouring rain!!) but wasn't going to go to the game. I eventually convinced him to go and we, again, had a blast.

Throughout the summer, we started hanging out more and more. Always in a group, but we'd go to movies, hang out at friends' houses, or watch Brewers games at the bar. Multiple times, after seeing a movie or hanging out somewhere, we'd end up chatting in the parking lot for hours after everyone else had left. We would just start talking and before we knew it, 2 or 3 hours had gone by...except those 2 or 3 hours felt like 10 minutes. Talking to him felt so natural and we had so much in common. In the back of my mind, a little voice kept reminding me that he was moving. But I was having so much fun with him and I didn't want to be reminded that he was leaving. I had found a great friend. He brought out a side of me that only occasionally comes out. A goofy, fun-loving, outgoing side. I had never laughed more than when I was with him. We could talk sports one minute, be laughing about something stupid the next, and then be talking about something serious even the next minute. I had never felt so connected to someone before.

One night mid-July, we decided to have a little party at Ryan's house. My friend Kristina had just lost her job and we decided that we needed to have a night where we just put life's stresses behind us. In the past, we've had to deal with friends driving home when they shouldn't have after drinking, so beforehand we decided to make it a sleepover so nobody was driving home after drinking too much. Dan of course was invited to this little party and not long into it, we decided to have a dance party. We'd had dance parties before, but this time Dan and I danced together. I tried not to think anything of it and went on just enjoying the night. Later in the night, I laid down on Ryan's futon and Mike and Dan decided to sit on top of me and tickle me. Mike eventually gave up, but Dan kept going. Before I knew it, he had leaned in and started kissing me. I don't know if it's the connection I was telling myself we had or if it's really the way he kisses, but his kisses are the best I've ever had. There was something about his kiss that made me weak in the knees. From that point on, I was hooked. I was trying to just see him as a friend, despite being attracted to him, because I knew he was planning on moving. But as soon as our friendship turned into something more, I threw it all to the wind. I no longer cared that he was moving. All I knew was that I really liked him and didn't want the kissing to end.

The next month became a fling with Dan. Many times when we hung out with people, we would find an excuse to sneak away alone. Then it turned into finding excuses to sleep over at each other's places. It quickly became a regular thing. And most times, it revolved around us drinking and then making not-so-good choices.

The sad thing is that I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was going to hurt in the end. I knew I was doing something that was disappointing God. But I wanted to do it anyway. I wanted to soak up every minute I had with him. I was enjoying living in a fantasy...where morals and real life didn't exist.

He moved to Texas a little over a week ago. I knew I was going to miss him, but some days it really sucks. Part of me misses him because of the girl in me that likes to feel wanted and attractive. But most of me misses HIM...who he his, the friendship we created, the connection we have. I miss his energy. I miss goofing around with him. I miss his sense of humor. Discussing the Brewers over text just isn't the same.

The hard part is that I know without a doubt that moving to Texas was the right thing for him. There are things in his life that he needs to work on and figure out, and he was just feeling in a rut in Wisconsin. It's also good for me that he's not here because if he were, it would've been much harder to stop the fling we got into.

One thing I've experienced since Dan left is God's unfailing and unmistakeable presence. I deliberately turned my back on God this summer. I made choices that I KNEW were sinful. And yet...God made Himself known to me, covered me in grace, and blessed me when I didn't deserve a darn thing. WHAT?! I don't understand it...I don't think I ever will. All I know is that even though my flesh wants Dan to come back and to be with him, God has something greater for me...for us. Both of us are in big transition periods in our lives and I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened at the peak of our little fling. Some days it's really hard to cling to the truth that God has something better for me. In my head, Dan is just what I wanted. But I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on God and He will take care of me. It'll all be okay.

A New Adventure...Finally!!

I FINALLY got a teaching position!!! Albeit, it's a temporary position, but it's a teaching job nonetheless!! I'm taking over for a kindergarten teacher that is doing an administrative internship. So basically that means that she's pursuing becoming a principal and can do an internship for up to 3 years. Which means I could be teaching for her for up to 3 years. Or, after a year or two, I could pursue a more permanent position in the district and would have a pretty good chance of getting one (so I'm told). Either way, it's great experience!

This new job means yet another move. But the good news is that I'm heading back to the Madison area! Despite most of my close Madison friends being gone, I'm excited to head back to the city that I love. Not that I don't love Milwaukee...but it's nice that I'll be moving to a city I'm familiar with. I have a church there. I know where I can get plugged in. I still have a few acquaintances. I know where things are. I don't usually welcome a move like this, but I feel ready and excited for it. I've had a couple good friends move out-of-state within the past month and I think it'll be easier for me if I'm in a new place too. Being here without them just reminds me that they're gone. I also was getting into some not-healthy habits while living here. I started drinking a lot more. I got involved with guys that weren't good for me (more on that later). I think a change will be good for me.

I read my last few posts from the last year. It's interesting to see why God brought me through the waiting period with my job. This time last year, I was so frustrated with life. I couldn't understand why God would allow me to lose my kindergarten aide job (a job I loved) at the end of the summer. But then, He provided me with my literacy aide job...a job that taught me so much and has made me so much more knowledgeable. I feel ready and confident because of the jobs I've had thus far. It's amazing to look back at the last 4 years since graduating college and see how each job has built upon the last. I can see the reason God put me in each job. I can even start to understand why He made me wait. Granted, this coming year will in no way be easy. But, I definitely feel more ready than ever. More ready and more prepared than I would've been even a year ago.

I also feel like God totally went before me when I interviewed for Oregon. I walked away from it feeling like it went pretty well, but it wasn't any different than any other interview I've had in the past...interviews for jobs I didn't get. I even felt like I didn't do all that great and wasn't able to communicate the best at the 2nd interview. And yet, I was offered the job within 45 minutes of leaving the 2nd interview. My new principal is beyond excited to have me working at her school. She knows that I am a knowledgeable and talented teacher. I already feel comfortable and welcomed from the few people I've met. I know this was God-ordained. It came at a time in my life when I least deserved it (again...more on that later). And yet, it all feels almost too perfect (aside from having to move rather quickly). Nothing I've done should have my principal this excited to have me a part of her staff. God has paved the path long before I stepped foot on it. It's a shame I ever doubted.

I'm hoping to be better at blogging...especially now that I will be moving once again. I will be incredibly busy this year, but I'm hoping to use this as a chance to slow down and actually process life a bit. And maybe document a few funny kid quotes. :)

Stuck.

Last weekend was our family camping trip with my mom's side of the family. It was filled with hiking, games, playing with the kids, and lots of food like usual. The thing with seeing my extended family though is, because we only see each other a couple times a year, everyone always asks for an update on our lives. And I feel like everyone had something exciting or positive to report. My brother got a promotion. My sister finished school and bought my uncle's car. My mom and stepdad moved into their new house and bought a new car. Then it was my turn.

"Do you have a permanent job yet?"

Nope.

"Boyfriend prospects?"

Negative.

I have zilch to report.

My life is about the same it was last summer. And the summer before that. And the summer before that. You get the point. Besides being in a new apartment (which no one even asked about), I'm in the same place yet again. Single with an uncertain future.

It feels much harder this year. Everything. Being single. Watching my friends and family get married and have babies. Not having a teaching job. As Holly told me a few weeks ago with a big smile on her face, God must have some big plans in store. I choose to believe that with her. I don't believe God is a God that puts desires in us just for fun. I don't know how patient I can be though. I've never felt such an uneasiness inside me before. It's on the verge of being physically uncomfortable. It feels like my body wants to run but my legs can't move. Like I have all this energy but no way to get it out. I have these desires in me that just want to burst out of me...but I can't fulfill them. I'm stuck. I want my life to move forward...I'm ready to move on to the next phases of life...but I can't. I have absolutely no control over it. It's not a fun feeling.

In times like these, all I can do to move forward is to run towards God. That's easier some days than others. Some days I feel frustrated and upset. Other days, I'm thankful that God is putting me through this time to bring me closer to Him. It's just one giant rollercoaster ride. Rather than praying for a specific job, I've found myself just praying for peace. I know God will provide for me - I have to trust that in times like this. But He's my only source of peace. I can't find it anywhere else.

"A future awaits those who seek peace." Psalm 37:37b

Taking my life off pause

I have been avoiding things lately. My job future is uncertain. There are many things about me that need changing or working on. Instead of being proactive and doing something about the things I'm not happy with or stressed about, I shut my thoughts and emotions off. I keep myself busy so I "don't have time or energy" to work on things. Or when I'm not busy, I become a lazy blob with no motivation to do anything. I'm not quite sure why I shut myself off sometimes. I think it's because I get overwhelmed with whatever is going on or whatever I'm feeling. It's easier to shut down and just be than to deal with life. But where is that going to get me? Not very far.

I'm stressed (once again) about job stuff. This year with everything going on politically, I feel like (and have been pretty much told) my chances of finding a teaching job are next to nothing. But I have a God that can do anything and only wants the best for me...yet I'm not putting my faith in Him. I'm not living out what I say I believe. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. And then when I think about how I've messed up (and keep messing up), I feel like God won't bless me. I let Satan get in my head and let me believe God is disappointed in me. Which then leads me to not spend any time with Him because I'm ashamed for letting Him down. It's so stupid. I know in my head it's all not true, but I don't let my heart believe it. It's been a common problem for me. I hate feeling like I don't deserve anything. I see people around me getting into relationships, getting married, or getting their dream job and I think to myself that I don't deserve that. I haven't been putting God first in my life and I'm constantly messing up - why would He bless me and give me the things I long for? But that's what is so mind-blowing...He doesn't hold anything against us. It's hard for me to live like I believe that though.

I don't know why I let my head get in the way of my heart. It is something that is so hard for me. I know I can't do things on my own - yet I continue to try. I know I need to lean on God for support - yet I still find support elsewhere. It's going to take a lot to change the way I think and see things. But I'm ready to try. I'm tired of living my life on pause. I want to press play and change some of the things I know need changing. I'm tired of living like a hypocrite, saying I believe one thing, but living like I believe another. I don't want to turn my mind and emotions off. I want to experience the freedom and grace I have in Christ.