what i'm learning from 2011

Another year is coming to a close. I swear, these years go by faster the older I get. And yet, I feel like time is crawling at the same time. It's a weird paradox.

This year was quite the year. It was marked with some good times with friends, the beginning of the job I've been dreaming of, and the start of new friendships. It was also a hard year - moving away from home sort of last minute, saying goodbye to good friends moving away, and poor choices.

The biggest lesson I'm learning from 2011 is how to give up my own control and submit to God's power and authority. I recently read a blog article about a girl learning not to view God in the same way she views her Earthly father. I've often heard the comparison of our own fathers with God and how that can affect how we view God. For whatever reason, I never stopped to think if that was true in my own life. Lo and behold, it was!

My parents got divorced when I was in 8th grade. Before my dad moved out, he and I had a tense relationship. I was at the climax of puberty, and therefore was quite emotional. I was also growing up and becoming more of my own person rather than a little girl. That caused lots of tension. I was finding that as I grew up, I had similar issues with my dad that my mom had with him. Him moving out helped since he wasn't around all the time to argue with, but our relationship has always been strained. It's gotten a little better with each passing year, but I am in no way "daddy's little girl." After the divorce, my dad struggled to provide. He didn't make a lot of money and his jobs were never permanent. He had good intentions and wanted to show us that he was a dad that was there for his kids. Rather than just be there for us emotionally or support us in the ways he could, he felt like he had to make us promises - that he would buy us this or that, help us with rent, take us to this concert, take us on that vacation - but he never followed through on them. Ever. At first, it was comforting to think that my dad was going to help me out financially as I was trying to get out on my own. But, once I saw he never followed through with what he "promised," I stopped believing him. To this day, 14 years since the divorce, he still makes promises he can't keep. He still thinks he can live a certain kind of life when in reality he can't afford it. I've learned over the years to not trust my dad. I can't trust a single "promise" he makes. I can't count on him to help provide for me.

When I read that blog article the other day, I actually stopped to think about how I feel about my dad. And then I thought about the struggles I have with God. Woah...there was a connection! I struggle with thinking that God will provide for me and follow through with His promises. Despite past blessings He's given me, it's still a struggle in my heart. Rather than rest in God's promises, I worry. Would I ever get to do what I had a passion for and teach? Would He ever provide a Godly man to spend the rest of my life with? Would I ever feel settled and connected? My worries led me to think that He wouldn't follow through. I only saw all the ways I had messed up in my life and thought that my desires wouldn't be met. I couldn't trust God. So, I learned to take matters into my own hands. I found ways to satisfy my desires on my own. I even got to the point this summer where I basically flipped God off and did whatever the hell I wanted...only to find myself broken and empty.

And then I got my dream job...and found that I'm good at it. That's weird...I just spent the summer doing what I knew was wrong and landed an amazing job a week later. And then I met an amazing guy that makes me happier than I've ever been. Hmm...

Despite feeling like God has started satisfying some of my desires, I'm learning that I am NOT in control of this life...nor should I be. The biggest thing that is teaching me that is this whole thing with Janaque. I don't know if we're "meant to be" or whatever, but when I first met him and things started up with us, I was still in my old mindset: I must take advantage of him being here and enjoy every moment while I can! Who was in control? Me. Then he moved. I thought things were over and I'd just move on. Wrong. He wasn't just some random fling...he was turning out to be this incredible guy that was so much of what I've been looking for. So, my instinct was to just want to snatch him up and just date him long distance. So, I tried planning out how that would work. How often would we visit each other? How long would we do the long distance thing before one of us moving? Where would we live if it worked out? I've always thought the East Coast was nice...I wonder what it would take to get a Massachusetts teaching license?

I was worrying and stressing again...until I realized it's not in my control. It's not up to me because I have no idea what the future holds. J may be the guy for me...he may not. At this point, I know what I want and I know how I'd have it play out if I were the author of my life. But I'm not...so why am I stressing out about it? When I took things into my own hands in the past, they failed or I made big mistakes. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm ready to see what God has for me. I need to be patient...and to trust that God WILL follow through on His promises...in His own way.

It's so scary for me to do that. Nowhere does it say in the Bible that J and I will be together in the future. There's always the possibility that it won't work out. But, God does promise that He works for the good to those who love Him, that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He will always love us. His plans may be different than mine...but He promises that they are always GOOD! If J isn't the best for me, then the guy that is will be SO MUCH better for me than he is.

The other day, I had a bit of a meltdown. I was crabby because my computer stopped working and I was just feeling off. I was missing J like crazy (he's been in Canada for the last week and a half and is there for another week) and his emails seemed to be getting shorter. I quickly found myself freaking out. What if J changes his mind about me and decides he doesn't like me anymore and never wants to date me? What if he meets someone in Massachusetts and decides she's better than me? What if I said or did something that annoyed him? I soon found myself crying because I couldn't talk to him, I missed him, and I felt completely out of control of the situation. The thoughts that were going through my head were eating me alive.

I don't believe it was a coincidence that my computer stopped working that night (it magically worked just fine the next morning). I realized that I needed to spend time with God before I went completely insane. I don't even remember what I read that night, but I do remember just laying out all my fears and thoughts before God on tear-stained journal pages. My fears are legitimate things that could happen, but suddenly I realized that they weren't something I needed to stress about. My focus should be on seeking God in ALL situations...whether things are going great or crappy. My heart needs to trust God and all that He promises...even if it's different than what I think I want. I need to learn to rest in Him.

In order to keep on track with this, I need to make some tangible goals for my life (here you go Miranda!):

1. Have a NOR once a week.

2. Read 1 Christian devotional or "self-help" book every month.

3. Blog about what God is teaching me or doing in my life once a week.

4. Read through the entire Bible with Blackhawk in 2012.

That's all I have for now...if I think of more, I'll let you guys know. :)

Striving for Colossians 1:9-12

Well, Janaque and I made it 1 week without talking. It was quite the week. I spent some time thinking and praying about where things were going. I spent some time talking to close friends and asking for advice. Up until the day before we were going to talk again, I still felt far from a decision and felt just as confused as when the week started.

I then realized that I was trying to justify why it was good for Janaque to try dating...I wasn't willing to listen to the people that were telling me reasons I shouldn't date him right now. I got a couple of hard emails to read that basically laid out all the things I need to work on before focusing on a relationship. They were hard to read because they had a lot of truth in them...and they weren't things I wanted to hear. However, once I stopped being defensive, I thought more about what they were saying. And once I did that, God made it pretty clear what the right decision was.

Talking to Janaque only confirmed what I felt like God was telling me the right decision was. He got the same advice from some of the people he talked to and was on the same page as I as we discussed it. I told him that it's been a couple of years since I've been actually single...not involved with any guy period. My discussions with some of my friends showed me that there are many things I need to work on in my heart and walk with God before I can focus on another boy...no matter how great I think he is. In addition to things I feel like I need to work on, I don't know what my job situation holds for me after this year (I'm in an interim position that can last as long as 3 years but can also be as short as just this year). In order to do this, I'm going to not date or consider dating anyone until school is out in the summer. From his side, the people he talked to all thought we should take more time to get to know each other. He also needs to figure out where his life is going in the near future. He needs to find a job for the next year or so and he'd like to apply to medical schools. We decided to just take the next few months to continue to get to know each other and see where God leads us. If it's meant for us to be together, God will cause our lives to run parallel.

Despite my peace about our decision, it's still hard at times. Janaque and I have decided not to talk everyday in order to give us some boundaries, but not talking every day is difficult at times. When we do talk, I'm reminded of how much I miss him being here. Last night, I went to bed after Skyping with him and my heart just ached. I miss him. It's going to take some time.

Tonight during my night of reflection, I was reading a couple of things that made me think. My church has been going back to various parts of Isaiah recently, so I decided to read through the whole book to get some context on the verses they have been highlighting. One thing that stuck out to me tonight was God's power and control over everything. He spoke through Isaiah and told him exactly how He was going to redeem the Israelites. He calmed the fears of the king of Judah by telling him specifically what was going to happen in the future. God already had everything all mapped out. So, rather than worrying about figuring out what the future holds, if I believe the Word to be Truth, I need to rest in the fact that God already has it figured out for me. Why do we worry so much??

I then looked up passages that talked about being patient because that's one struggle I have...being patient for what God has planned. It's hard for me to wait for something I can't see coming ahead. I'm a planner. I like to know what lies ahead. So, rather than being patient and doing what I know is right, I take things into my own hands and make decisions based on the here and now. I do what I want because it's something I know. I want to just throw caution to the wind and date Janaque despite him living 1,000 miles away because I know I like him, he likes me, and he makes me happy. But, that might not be what's best for us right now...or ever. I don't like not knowing, but I need to practice being patient and making good decisions in the meantime.

I was led to Colossians 1:9-12: "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his people in the kingdom of light." Those are things I should be striving for. Those are the things that "please him in every way". It says in John that in order to bear fruit, we need to remain connected to God and allow Him to trim the branches that aren't producing fruit. That will in turn help us (me) grow in the knowledge of God and become stronger with endurance and patience.

God's not going to abandon me. He's not going to leave me high and dry. I need to just trust Him. I don't know why that's so hard for me sometimes. But I pray that I'm able to remain in Him...and that each day gets easier as I grow in patience and wait for Him.

Decision...

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks, but it's been a crazy busy last 3 weeks.

Last time, I wrote about hanging out with my Lifegroup and a guy named Janaque from my LG who was moving to Massachusetts. Well, about 2 weeks before he moved away, we realized that all of our hanging out was becoming more than friends. I didn't think I liked him initially, but the more I hung out with him and got to know him, the more I liked him. We then had a decision to make...not see each other the last 2 weeks he was in town, or continue to hang out and essentially "date" for those 2 weeks. We chose the latter. ;) To make a long story short, we saw each other just about every day/night those 2 weeks and it was probably the best 2 weeks I've ever had. We realized that we were making him moving away harder on us, but I honestly didn't think it would be that hard after only knowing him well for about a month and "dating" for 2 weeks.

I was wrong.

Janaque moved away last Tuesday and it sucked...royally. I couldn't believe how much I fell for this guy in those short 2 weeks. We thought the smart thing would be to just try to be friends and keep boundaries on how often we talked. That lasted about a day. We couldn't hold back talking to each other. We talked last Saturday night for about 4 hours and in that conversation, realized we had a big decision to make. We couldn't keep things the way they were without any kind of definition. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Do we try the friend thing or do we try the long distance dating thing? The "I like you but I'm not actually dating you" thing wasn't going to work.

The "just be friends" route would be much safer. My type A logical brain likes that option. How could I possibly date and feel this way about someone after only 2 weeks of dating?? Trying a long distance relationship just seems foolish. But, just being friends means we'd probably have to not talk as much...I don't know if that would be possible.

On the other hand, a long distance relationship would mean a ton of risk and commitment. It would mean lots of money in flights to visit and trying to grow closer/continue to get to know each other from afar. And, ultimately if things worked out, it would mean one of us would have to sacrifice and move. Yikes.

We decided we couldn't make that decision in the spur of the moment. We decided we needed to pray about it. A lot. And talk to those closest to us to get advice. To do that, we decided not to talk (phone/text/email/FB) for a week so we could spend some quality time with the Lord about it. It's only been 2 days and I'm going crazy. I don't think I can last a whole week without talking to him. But, it has allowed me some sweet time with Jesus.

Obviously I need to talk to him to see where he's at with all this, but these last 2 days have showed me that I don't want to be "just friends" and not talk as much. I miss him too much. It scares the crap out of me though. A long distance relationship takes a lot of commitment. Any kind of relationship is risky. Can I really be feeling this way after 2 weeks?? How do I know this is really real and not just the beginning "honeymoon" stage?

I really just need to not let my head freak out and rest in God. I need to trust that He has everything under control. If it's meant to be, it'll all work out. If not, He'll let us know that too. I'll keep you posted. :)

"Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for You are God my Savior,
and my hope is in You all day long."
Psalm 25:4-5

I had an awesome weekend! I went to a game night at my new friend Janaque's (pronounced juh-nake) on Friday night...kind of a last hurrah before he moves away in 2 weeks. Saturday, my lifegroup did some clean up at the Arboretum in the morning, went out to lunch together, and then played some frisbee. Saturday night, Janaque and I had a movie night together and ended up staying up really late talking and getting to know each other more. Sunday was purely lazy...and amazing. I think I watched 7 hours of football (while doing schoolwork and other things)...glorious.

This weekend was so good for me. It felt amazing to have plans in Madison and to feel like I have a friend group. It kind of made me sad though. I'm having such a great time with Janaque. He's like my little buddy here (he's 4 years younger than me...making him almost my younger sister's age and kind of like a little brother). We have so much fun. I can just call him up out of the blue and we can find random (and not-so-random) things to talk about for much longer than planned. He's an extrovert like me, so he's almost always up for hanging out on the spur of the moment. But...he's moving in 2 weeks. I told him the other day (when we were talking about how we were bummed that we just became friends a couple weeks ago) that it's just how my life works. I don't fully understand why it's working out like this. But, I'm not going to lie...I'm bummed that it is.

In spite of all this, I feel like God is trying to teach me something big. I just listened to yesterday's sermon from church online. It was about God's holiness and Tim used the passage in Isaiah 6 to paint the picture. Basically, the takeaway was that God's holiness is good (it's all-powerful and gives us life) but it also exposes our sin and requires that our sin be dealt with in order for us to be in God's presence. Thankfully, Jesus paid the ultimate price for our sins so that we can experience God personally. However, that doesn't mean we get to walk away scotch free when we sin. Yes, we are forgiven and can have access to eternal life. But we still need to deal with the sins in our life. And, as is shown in Isaiah, that refining is necessary, but will hurt. We've become so addicted and adapted to our sinful ways (personally and as a human race), that turning from them and dealing with them is going to be painful and hard. But it's absolutely necessary to experience life in Christ.

Like other times, the basic concept of all this isn't new. But, I think I've gotten accustomed to expecting life to be relatively easy and for repentance to be as simple as telling God "I'm sorry". I made so many horrible choices this past summer. I've struggled with the same sins for years, knowing that they were trouble areas for me, without a ton of success in walking away from them. I think I'm starting to realize that after the choices I deliberately made to do the complete opposite of what I knew was right, I'm having to deal with them before I can move on in my life. In the past, I've just gone right along with life...making it really easy to forget about areas of sin that I struggle with and secretly hoping that God would too. This time is different. God has blessed me with some community here in Madison so far, but I think I need to use this time of "less" community to focus on myself and God. This past weekend with Janaque is a good example. I found a good friend...an extrovert like me. So what do I do? Spend hours upon hours with him. Even though it wasn't necessarily bad, it's easy for me to get caught up in hanging out with friends and not take any time for myself or God. And that's only going to get me right back to where I was this past summer.

I struggle with unhealthy boundaries with boys I'm attracted to, among many other things...so to rid myself of that struggle (or at least allow for God to work in that area), He has to cleanse me of those situations. And, as Tim said in the sermon, it's not fun and might even hurt. It sucks to have your best friends move away, to be plucked from a comfortable and familiar place, and to move to a place that is familiar but not at the same time. But, I trust that God has a land of nourishment for me on the other side of this desert. In the meantime, HE needs to be my nourishment so that I can learn to make God my nourishment at all times, whether I'm in a desert or not.

Last weekend, Miranda asked me what I liked about being back in Madison. My first response was the city itself...I love this city. Despite that though, I haven't done much to enjoy it since moving back. Sad day.

It was kind of a thought provoking question. I don't dislike living here. I've always loved Madison. But it's so different. I met my best friends in Madison. But, none of them live here anymore. The people I do still know are just acquaintances. I went to a Halloween party with some people from church this past Saturday. I knew a handful of people. It was fun to hang out and meet new people, but I was quickly reminded of how long I've been gone. Conversations with the people I did know only lasted a brief few minutes. After the general, surface-level questions, they quickly moved on to hanging out with people they were closer with. I tried to open up and have a good time, but it just didn't feel right. I was clearly the newbie outsider...and I felt like it. If I were in the same situation with friends from Milwaukee, that party would've been a blast.

I'm enjoying my Lifegroup through church and it's nice to have a small group of people to see every week. Sadly, the one person I've connected the most with is a guy (don't worry, not in a romantic way...I'm not attracted to him) who is moving back home to the East coast at the end of the month. It figures the one person I connect the most with and enjoy the most is leaving...it's pretty much the story of my life.

I don't know why I'm struggling with this so much. How many times have I moved in my life?? Almost too many to count. So I should know that transition always takes time. Why am I expecting community to happen instantly? Actually, I don't think that it was that I was expecting it to happen so quickly. I think it's just that I long for it so much. This in between transition time is so hard for me as an extrovert. It makes me miss my close friends all that much more.

I just wish I could speed up time...

Learning to be Content

I'm starting to realize it's hard for me to feel content with where God has me in my life. For a long time, I longed for a teaching job. Little did I realize God was just preparing me for one with 4 years of "less-than-ideal" (in my mind) teaching-related jobs. And now, despite having a great job that I love and am good at, I now have something else to long for...a relationship. I see (what seems like) everyone around me getting into relationships, getting married, and having babies. And my first reaction is one of envy and longing. I don't even want babies right now! Why do I care??

Instead of wanting what others have, I need to learn to be content (and thankful!) for what I have and where I am now. Otherwise I'm never going to be content with where I am in life...ever. Just like with my "less-than-ideal" jobs, they all served a specific purpose and prepared me for what was ahead. Could I have gotten more from those experiences if I had just learned (or let God help me) to be content in that season of life rather than worry? What can I get out of my season of singleness when I'm content with where God has me and focus on what God is trying to teach me?

I think partially why this is such a strong desire is because I have a romanticized idea of what marriage will be like. I've seen friend after friend get married. Their first response? "Married life is AMAZING!" Who wouldn't want to experience that if it's really that great? I also think it's partly because I'm longing for close community here in Madison. People that I know who are in relationships or are married always have someone to do something with. And more often than not, that significant other is someone with shared interests. I so badly long for someone to spend time with that enjoys the same things I do. Instead, I need to learn how to be content with what I have and where I am now. I need to learn how to say (and truly mean) that God is ENOUGH. All I need.

Getting married or teaching can't be my ultimate goals. Leaning on God and fully trusting Him need to be my goals. Those are things that will ultimately matter in life. God cares about our character and hearts, not what we accomplished.

Praying for peace...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Extrovert to the core

This past weekend, I had an amazing weekend. Possibly one of the best of my life!

Rewind.

Friday night: After a crazy Friday afternoon at school (we took the whole school to the Oregon homecoming parade!), I rushed to get the bare minimum ready for Monday and took off to Milwaukee. I picked Cassie up and we went to Turner Hall downtown to see Mat Kearney. When I bought the tickets, it said online that the concert was at 7:00. However, when we got there (right around 7), there was a big line out the door, waiting to get in. We quickly found out that the doors weren't opening until 7:30 and the opening act wasn't starting until 8:30. It ended up being perfect because I for sure thought we were going to be getting there right as the concert was starting. The tickets were general admission, so when we got inside, they had chairs and small tables set up throughout the hall. Cassie and I sat down in a couple of chairs, but quickly saw a small group of people standing up at the very front at the stage. It didn't take us long to decide that was where we wanted to watch the concert! To make a long, amazing concert short, we saw Mat Kearney from the very front and eventually got to shake his hand. Incredible.

Saturday night: On Saturday, my friends from Elmbrook Church in MKE, Reed and Sarah, got married. I wasn't sure who was going to be at the wedding because they know so many people from church and are the type of people that are friends with everyone. I wasn't sure where they made the cut-off. It ended up being kind of a random group of people, but it ended up being really fun. There were enough of my "closer" friends there that it was fun and wasn't the usual reminder of the fact that I'm single at yet another wedding. My friend Sevea and I ended up dancing the night away...and one of my favorite things is a good wedding dance! :)

Sunday: Miranda put her name in a lottery for Brewers playoff tickets a while back and was chosen to buy some! So, she and I went to the game on Sunday! On top of that, Anna was sitting 4 rows behind us with her fiancé and parents! Miller Park is one of my "happy places" just during a regular season game...imagine it during a playoff game!! It was one of the most incredible things I've ever been to! The energy in the park was absolutely insane! And on top of that, we won the game...so that was just a little bit cool. ;)

This weekend really reminded how much of an extrovert I am. Most people that I know would be burnt out by such a busy weekend. Instead, I was so energized by it! After being in a place where my social life, or people time if you will, has been significantly cut down, it felt so good to be around people I enjoy and who know me well. When I'm around those people in my life, I am so much more outgoing! I feel like the new people I have met here in Madison don't really know the "real" me. Not that I'm being fake with them. But when I'm around people I enjoy and know well, I come out of my shell so much more. I look forward to the day where I can feel like that around the people I've met here. It always takes me a bit when I meet someone to feel comfortable around them and like I can really be my "true" self. The girl who is crazy about sports and loves to yell and cheer on my favorite team. The girl who can quote Friends like it's my job and relate multiple situations a day to the show. The girl who loves being invested in, feeling needed and loved, and longs for deep meaningful relationships. The girl who loves having something to do with people.

I have noticed that each move has made this "warm up" time with new people shorter. When I first moved to Wisconsin in 6th grade, 4 previous moves had made me the shyest girl around. My best friend from high school would be the first person to tell you how long it took me to open up. Now, I wouldn't characterize myself as shy per say. For whatever reason, it just takes me a little bit to show people all sides of me. But, each time I have to do it, it takes a little bit less time.